Winter Kiss (1/3)
Fandom: Merlin (TV)
Rating: NC-17/E
Word Count: the whopping 8 times what was originally predicted - 16.5k
Category: Slash; Pairing(s): Merlin/Arthur Pendragon, various other background and temporary pairings
Characters: Merlin, Arthur Pendragon, Morgana, Gaius, Uther Pendragon, Gwaine, Lancelot, brifely Leon, Mordred, Gwen and others
Genre: Modern AU, (emotional) hurt/comfort, mild angst, fluff at times, developing relationship, friendship, family relationship, character study, life story
Warnings: explicit sexual content, minor character death, inexplicit homophobia and briefly bullying
Disclaimer: Don't own anything, don't make money from this, you know the drill.
Summary: Arthur's life seems somehow connected to winter - it starts with his birth, but that's only the first important thing that happens to him while it's snowing outside. (a.k.a. the story of lawyer!Arthur's life and how it gets better once studying-to-become-doctor!Merlin becomes part of it)
Also on AO3.
A/N: Title from the song by Young Guns.
Split into 3 parts because of my constant problems with LJ.
For the amazing chaosmaka, my lovely cheerleader who deserves all the fics to be written to celebrate her name :D
Feedback is always appreciated ^^
Winter Kiss
Arthur is born on the cold, windy evening of January 16th.
He won't remember it later, of course, but it's simultaneously the happiest and the saddest day of his father's life. His mother doesn't even get to see him, because her weak heart gives out on the way to the hospital and by the time they get there, she can only be pronounced dead on arrival as the doctors struggle to save him via emergency C-section. By the time he takes his first breath, his father has already been informed of his mother's fate and is outside the operating room, shaking the nurse who told him about Igraine's death, screaming that she must be wrong.
And that's how his life starts, in a cold, sterile room full of strangers dressed in light blue, with his mother's lifeless body not two feet away from him and a father who already can't forgive him for a mistake he's not even aware of making, while the wind howls outside and small, white flakes of wet snow make the slush even worse. His big sister is happy to see him, but she's four and she doesn't know yet, and even when she finds out, she won't understand, not for another few years. But then, Arthur doesn't understand either, and he won't for much longer than just a few years; he won't realize why he's treated like a prince, but his father won't hug him, sometimes can't even look at him, him who, with his blond hair and blue eyes, is the spitting image of his mother, the woman he never got a chance to meet, but whose shadow he will live in for the rest of his life.
~*~
It's mid-February, four years later, when Arthur first gets a taste of his father's bitterness. This, he does remember.
Arthur is sick. He's coughing and sneezing and he can't breathe through his nose, but Gaius, the family doctor, assures him he'll be fine. Arthur trusts Gaius, even though he's never felt worse in his, admittedly short, life. He takes the spoonful of syrup that Gaius brings up to his mouth and grimaces at the foul taste of it, but when, 15 minutes later, Gaius returns with Morgana (who's been declared equally sick and therefore unnecessarily isolated from her brother), he does actually feel better. So he does what every 4-year-old would - he asks questions.
“Gaius, why do I have blue eyes?” is the first thing that comes to mind.
Gaius gives him a smile that somehow doesn't quite look happy; Arthur is not sure why. “Because your mother and your father both have blue eyes,” he replies. He doesn't mention that the green of Morgana's eyes is a clear indication that she's not Uther's daughter, but Arthur's too young to understand genetics, so he doesn't figure it out anyway.
“And why do I have blond hair when Father's hair is grey?” Arthur asks then. Gaius answers his questions one after the other for hours because Arthur is four and he has a lot of questions. Morgana falls asleep at his side after a while and Arthur feels kinda tired too (which, Gaius informs him, is because the cough syrup makes him sleepy), but he forces his eyes to stay open until his father returns home and Gaius leaves. His father comes in after a while, tucks the blanket tighter around them both and strokes a hand through Morgana's hair. “Father, how come you never speak about Mom?” Arthur murmurs as he struggles to stay awake even just a minute longer.
His father's hand freezes and he stiffens, sitting up and drawing himself away from his children. “Your mother is dead, Arthur. There's not much to speak about,” he answers coldly.
Unfortunately for him, Arthur is too young to understand social cues, so he ploughs on, “What does that mean?”
“It means,” his father replies, standing up and crossing his arms, “that she would be here if it weren't for you.”
Arthur doesn't understand, but when his fathers strides out of the room and shuts the door so loudly Morgana wakes up, he knows never to bring up his mother again.
~*~
He spends more than a few days away from Morgana for the first time five winters later.
She's thirteen now, and he is only nine and he's no longer the fun little brother she shares snacks with, he's a nuisance when she has to babysit him and a don't mind Arthur, he's just a big baby, when he wants to hang out with her and she has friends over. She still buys him sweets and hugs him when their father yells at him, but it's different somehow, they don't understand each other anymore, she does make-up and goes out with boys, while he watches TV and reads and plays sports. Their father insists that they have very specific skills appropriate for their respective assigned roles, and Morgana hates it and she hates the expensive violin their father buys for her, and she hates the ballet lessons that make her feet hurt, and she hates her new pink dress, and she will do anything to piss their father off. Arthur doesn't like football either, but his father looks at him like he's a freak when he says that so he pretends he enjoys going to practice. He's good at it, anyway, so it doesn't matter. After all, Father always says that so long as you are good at something, you should do it, because it matters more to be the best than to love whatever it is that you're the best at.
That December, Morgana comes home late every night and her grades drop and she is constantly bringing over some Leon guy, so Father sends her away for the winter holidays to some girl camp. She comes back even more angry, breaks her violin and rips her dresses until all the clothes she has are either black or dark green, and she starts wearing red lipstick and black eyeliner and she starts dating a guy who is five years older than her and when Father tells her off she just snorts and replies that he should mind his own business and that he has no right to dictate her life.
Arthur doesn't know why this happens, he just knows that Morgana becomes even more distant than before, that she stops hugging him and that she starts acting like he did something wrong. He also knows he missed her, but when he tries to tell her that, she shuts the door in his face.
~*~
On his twelfth birthday, Arthur finds out that Morgana is not his sister.
It's the last year he's spending in that house because next year, he's starting boarding school. His father has a huge party organized, and every single one of Arthur's and Morgana's friends is invited, and their whole family is there, and his father's co-workers and some people that Arthur can swear he's never seen before but who keep telling him that they've known him since he was this tiny. He gets all kinds of gifts, from expensive watches to cuff links he has nothing to wear with, to remote control choppers and DVDs with his favourite movies.
Gaius gives him a book. Arthur's always had a feeling that Gaius understands him better than most grown-ups he knows, even though they don't see each other often. It's a textbook he'll need for his new school, about science and biology and there's a chapter marked with a yellow post-it.
That night, as soon as the party is over, Arthur takes the book and goes to his room where he quickly finds the chapter Gaius meant for him and starts reading. It's about a guy called Mendel and about his peas, and about genes and colours, and there's a scheme a few pages in dedicated to the inheritance of eye colour and the dominant and recessive genes participating in it. It very clearly says that a blue-eyed couple can only have blue-eyed children. Suddenly all the angry, screaming music and the dark clothes and the defiant remarks that Morgana's been living in for the last few years make much more sense.
~*~
Coming home for winter holidays next year is the sweetest relief, until it's the worst torture.
Arthur is by no means stupid, he knows that, but he's apparently not very academically inclined and also, in deep denial because he honestly never really made the connection between his old school's new computers or newly air-conditioned office or refurnished classrooms or new science lab and his suddenly amazing grades. In his old school, he was popular, and everyone wanted to hang out with him.
His new school is different. It's the best school money can buy, which is exactly why money can't buy it (not that his father hasn't tried, and tried very hard), so Arthur is left to his own devices, working his ass off to get grades that are only decent and far below his father's criteria for a successful child. But it's difficult to study when every few minutes somebody whose parents got screwed over by his father one too many times, or somebody who's there on a scholarship and actually had to be one of the best students in the country to get there, or somebody who just doesn't like him because he's new sticks their head into his room to call him a stupid sissy or to ask him if he's gonna run to his father and cry.
And then there's Gwaine, who's the worst of them all, until he's not. Gwaine is possibly the richest kid of everyone there, and that's saying something, but he doesn't act like it at all, he scoffs at all the designer clothes other kids get from their parents and he travels home by bus, not letting his parents pick him up in a limo (which they totally could and would, Arthur assumes), and he doesn't brag about all the cool stuff he has at home, and he doesn't carry the newest gadgets down the hallways hoping someone would ask him what they are. And still, somehow, he's arguably the most popular person there. He's three years older than Arthur, and he's handsome and smart and funny, and Arthur can appreciate his humour when it's not directed at him, but when it is, it's like being hit with a whip, quick and precise and stingingly painful. Then again, Gwaine teases everyone, and he hangs out with the scholarship kids, who are seen as the biggest losers there, and everyone still wants to be him or at least be close to him.
Arthur kind of secretly hates him until November 29th, when it's Morgana's birthday and he wants to be with her for it (even though her only reply to his greeting was a polite, but distant Thank you), but he's not, he's at this stupid school that he hates, studying stupid Spanish that he also hates, surrounded by stupid people he hates and he's having a really bad day. And then he turns the wrong corridor as he's walking back to his room and he runs into some older boys bullying this girl he sort of knows from his algebra lessons (and she's nice and pretty, but she's a scholarship kid, and she's Arthur's age, and also, she's Indian and has an accent that everyone laughs at), and something inside him snaps. He's no match for the guys standing in front of him and he really, really shouldn't get involved, and his father is going to be so mad, but it's not right, standing there and watching it happen, it's not okay to look away or close his eyes, because the look in the girl's eyes is pure desperation and fear, she's crying and they're laughing at it; it disgusts Arthur that someone can take pleasure in hurting another person like this so he calls out to them, tells them to stop.
It goes exactly as Arthur expected, they gang up on him, shove him against a wall, tease him until, only minutes later, Gwaine walks in on them and yells for them to stop. They run off and Arthur is left standing there in complete shock, because Gwaine just defended him. If there's anything Arthur knows about Gwaine, it's that the guy hates rich, spoilt kids, and Arthur fits that bill to a T.
“You all right?” Gwaine asks and Arthur can only nod, still nonplussed by Gwaine's sudden care for him. “I, uh. I saw what you did there. Very brave,” Gwaine continues, holding out a hand and helping Arthur stand properly. “I, er, guess you're, um, not as bad as I thought,” Gwaine eventually offers with a small smile. Arthur is still confused.
But that's how Arthur makes a friend for life. They start hanging out and Arthur finds out that Gwaine is, when you're on his good side, as protective and loving and loyal as he is scathing and hurtful when he doesn't like you. Gwaine makes Arthur's life at the school better, easier. Other kids still tease him and he still hates being there, but at least now he has someone on his side.
It's still good to go home for the holidays. It's nice to sleep in a bed that he knows, to wake up to a room that's his and, yes, it's good to be treated like he's a prince. But if Arthur is the prince of the household, his father is the king, and a cruel, demanding, unhappy one. Morgana is still in her rebellious, defiant phase and Arthur's grades are not what they should be, and a recent, more liberal law that was passed is making Uther grumpy, so soon enough, Arthur's holidays turn into hell on Earth. Dinners are awkward, days are lonely and the little time that Arthur tries to make theirs usually ends in his father yelling at him for being incompetent and for depending on his wealth to get anywhere. The words sting more than Arthur is willing to admit, because they're true and because he's heard them before in all the friends who no longer call and all the disappointed looks from his teachers and all the jabs from Gwaine.
So, when it gets really bad one day and Arthur storms out of the house without a jacket even though it's snowing outside and he's shaking from the cold within seconds, Arthur swears to himself that he won't be just the son of Uther Pendragon, he will be Arthur, and he won't depend on his money, or his family name, or his father, he will be himself and he will earn himself a spot in the world. Gwaine will be proud of him, Arthur thinks, watching the snowflakes melt on his palm.
~*~
At the end of February, he experiences his first love, first kiss and first heartbreak.
Her name is Sophia, she's his age and goes to his school; she's pretty and smart, but there's always something missing. Arthur dates her because she asks him and he's already fourteen so it's expected of him. It's not bad. But it's not spectacular. Usually, she's the one asking him out, she's the one touching his arm and she's the one who kisses him. Arthur sits with her awkwardly, mostly panicking over the fact that he has no clue what to do.
When she kisses him for the first time, it's wet and awkward and unpleasant, Arthur does what Gwaine told him to and Sophia smiles at him afterwards, but Arthur doesn't feel like repeating that ever again. He spends days wondering if there's something wrong with him, because everyone he knows just loves kissing and making out and he's a teenager for Christ's sake, he's supposed to be way into this. He imagines himself telling his father that he just doesn't like relationships and that no, thank you, but he doesn't want to date or get married or have kids. He can clearly picture his father's disappointed, outraged face, and that's what makes him swallow down his complaints and pretend he enjoys kissing Sophia.
Apparently, he's not very good at it, though, because she dumps him only a week later. At first, he's hurt and wonders what he did wrong, but as he walks back from the coffee place where they met up, he realizes he doesn't actually feel heartbroken, he just thinks he should. It's actually a relief to be without her, not to have to worry about always being the perfect gentleman or to always remember the dates and everything she says on them.
He goes back to Gwaine and Lancelot's room and tells them that he's not actually sorry about what happened, because they're the only people he trusts not to laugh at him and not to judge, and he is so grateful that he does actually have someone like that. Gwaine and Lancelot are the ones who teach him that it didn't matter whose child you are or what kind of legacy you are expected to carry on, what is important is to be yourself. They're the ones who teach Arthur that he needs to make his own decisions and create his own future. Arthur doesn't know that yet, but he already knows Gwaine and Lancelot are the true friends he's always wanted.
As predicted, they don't call him a freak and they seem to understand where he's coming from. When Arthur wonders out loud, not really expecting an answer, why he never really cared about Sophia, Lancelot just smiles secretively, but Gwaine laughs, puts a hand on the back of Arthur's neck and kisses him. And that, that feels heavenly, and Arthur never wants it to end, that is what he's felt like doing all along, that's what gives him the tingles.
“That's why you didn't care about Sophia,” Gwaine tells him and Arthur has to agree.
When he goes back to his own room that night, holding his jacket tightly around himself because god damn it, it's cold, Arthur wonders if he will ever be able to tell his father that he actually kinda sorta prefers guys. He doesn't think he's come quite that far from idolizing his father and needing his approval just yet.
~*~
It's a few days before Arthur's sixteenth birthday when Morgana brings home a girl, dark-skinned and with snowflakes in her long, brown curls. Morgana introduces her as Gwen, my girlfriend.
Uther yells at her until he is almost literally blue in the face. Morgana stands with her chin jutting out defiantly, an uncaring smirk on her face, almost like this is exactly what she wanted. Uther threatens to disown her, to kick her out, to destroy her, and she stands there, like she's challenging him to do just that. Gwen looks incredibly awkward, somewhat embarrassed and definitely unsure of what to do. Arthur stays out of it, just looking on from the door that he was just walking through when it all started. Uther throws around words like sick and unnatural and despicable and my daughter will not be a freak and Arthur listens, knowing that they're meant for him as well, even if Uther himself doesn't realize it.
It's difficult to hear and it makes him feel nauseous to know that his father is one of those people who will never accept him for who he is. It's not news to Arthur that his father is an old-fashioned, bigoted man, or that he expects too much or that Arthur will never live up to the ideal son his father has created in his head, it's not news that Arthur wants to be a different person from what his father expects him to be, but it still hurts to hear it so plainly, because this is his father, a man he's always loved and probably always will, a person he will always want to impress, his only living family.
But then he looks at Morgana, who's still standing in the middle of the room, strong and unmoved, proud and Arthur remembers in that one moment all the times when Morgana helped him, every hug she gave him, all the times when Morgana was his best and only friend. So no, he decides, Uther is not his only family. Morgana is his sister, if not by blood, then by choice.
“Father, Morgana can date whoever she wants,” he finds himself saying. He walks to stand by Morgana's side and the look she gives him is worth the way his father's eyes widen.
Things get better between him and his sister after that.
~*~
He gets drunk for the first time the week he goes back to school.
It's the last winter Gwaine and Lancelot are spending at that boarding school, so Arthur does everything he can to spend as much quality time with them as possible. It's kind of bittersweet, because as much fun as he has with them, he can never quite get away from thinking that it's the last time they're doing it.
Once Gwaine and Lancelot are gone, Arthur is left alone again. This time, though, it's okay, because he knows who he is and who he wants to be, and also a little bit because he texts with Morgana and Gwaine and Lancelot all the time, and he knows he's not really alone. He starts studying and his grades get better, he has two short, but very enjoyable relationships, and he decides to become a lawyer not only because his father wants him to be one, but also because he enjoys it. For the first time in his life, he is not actually pretending to be strong, he feels confident and powerful and he is looking forward to what the future brings.
~*~
It ends in November, but Arthur's whole winter is grey and dull and the snow that crunches under his boots is not as inviting as it was last winter.
College is everything Arthur expected it to be - exhausting, challenging, enlightening and fun. It's also unhealthy, but that may well be because Arthur procrastinates till the last possible minute and then has to forego sleep to get those few extra hours of studying.
He learns a lot. He learns about the legal system of the Roman Empire, and he learns the psychology of lying, they teach him how to talk to victims and how to crush people in examination, he masters the skill of working the courtroom in the mock trials they organize as part of their practice.
He also learns that his roommate from second year, Percival, is really hot and kisses really well. He learns that sex is kind of the best when it's quick and rough, but it's also really good when it's slow and lazy. In the two years that they spend together, Arthur learns he likes walking in the snow and kissing in the hallways, that he can throw a mean punch when someone insults those he cares about, that, although control is something he is constantly fighting to gain, it feels great to give it up as well.
When they go their separate ways in November, Arthur thinks that that's it, it's over, he will never love anyone the way he loves Percival. He mourns with lots of alcohol, a few one-night-stands and not just one failed exam. It feels like the worst winter of his life - the wind is harsher than it ever was, the snow is a nuisance, the skies are constantly grey and no amount of clothes and blankets makes him warm enough.
But then Morgana gets over Gwen (who broke up with her months ago), finds a new boyfriend and she's smiling again, going out and having fun and Arthur suddenly knows he'll be okay too.
~*~
They meet in early December...
Rating: NC-17/E
Word Count: the whopping 8 times what was originally predicted - 16.5k
Category: Slash; Pairing(s): Merlin/Arthur Pendragon, various other background and temporary pairings
Characters: Merlin, Arthur Pendragon, Morgana, Gaius, Uther Pendragon, Gwaine, Lancelot, brifely Leon, Mordred, Gwen and others
Genre: Modern AU, (emotional) hurt/comfort, mild angst, fluff at times, developing relationship, friendship, family relationship, character study, life story
Warnings: explicit sexual content, minor character death, inexplicit homophobia and briefly bullying
Disclaimer: Don't own anything, don't make money from this, you know the drill.
Summary: Arthur's life seems somehow connected to winter - it starts with his birth, but that's only the first important thing that happens to him while it's snowing outside. (a.k.a. the story of lawyer!Arthur's life and how it gets better once studying-to-become-doctor!Merlin becomes part of it)
Also on AO3.
A/N: Title from the song by Young Guns.
Split into 3 parts because of my constant problems with LJ.
For the amazing chaosmaka, my lovely cheerleader who deserves all the fics to be written to celebrate her name :D
Feedback is always appreciated ^^
Winter Kiss
Arthur is born on the cold, windy evening of January 16th.
He won't remember it later, of course, but it's simultaneously the happiest and the saddest day of his father's life. His mother doesn't even get to see him, because her weak heart gives out on the way to the hospital and by the time they get there, she can only be pronounced dead on arrival as the doctors struggle to save him via emergency C-section. By the time he takes his first breath, his father has already been informed of his mother's fate and is outside the operating room, shaking the nurse who told him about Igraine's death, screaming that she must be wrong.
And that's how his life starts, in a cold, sterile room full of strangers dressed in light blue, with his mother's lifeless body not two feet away from him and a father who already can't forgive him for a mistake he's not even aware of making, while the wind howls outside and small, white flakes of wet snow make the slush even worse. His big sister is happy to see him, but she's four and she doesn't know yet, and even when she finds out, she won't understand, not for another few years. But then, Arthur doesn't understand either, and he won't for much longer than just a few years; he won't realize why he's treated like a prince, but his father won't hug him, sometimes can't even look at him, him who, with his blond hair and blue eyes, is the spitting image of his mother, the woman he never got a chance to meet, but whose shadow he will live in for the rest of his life.
~*~
It's mid-February, four years later, when Arthur first gets a taste of his father's bitterness. This, he does remember.
Arthur is sick. He's coughing and sneezing and he can't breathe through his nose, but Gaius, the family doctor, assures him he'll be fine. Arthur trusts Gaius, even though he's never felt worse in his, admittedly short, life. He takes the spoonful of syrup that Gaius brings up to his mouth and grimaces at the foul taste of it, but when, 15 minutes later, Gaius returns with Morgana (who's been declared equally sick and therefore unnecessarily isolated from her brother), he does actually feel better. So he does what every 4-year-old would - he asks questions.
“Gaius, why do I have blue eyes?” is the first thing that comes to mind.
Gaius gives him a smile that somehow doesn't quite look happy; Arthur is not sure why. “Because your mother and your father both have blue eyes,” he replies. He doesn't mention that the green of Morgana's eyes is a clear indication that she's not Uther's daughter, but Arthur's too young to understand genetics, so he doesn't figure it out anyway.
“And why do I have blond hair when Father's hair is grey?” Arthur asks then. Gaius answers his questions one after the other for hours because Arthur is four and he has a lot of questions. Morgana falls asleep at his side after a while and Arthur feels kinda tired too (which, Gaius informs him, is because the cough syrup makes him sleepy), but he forces his eyes to stay open until his father returns home and Gaius leaves. His father comes in after a while, tucks the blanket tighter around them both and strokes a hand through Morgana's hair. “Father, how come you never speak about Mom?” Arthur murmurs as he struggles to stay awake even just a minute longer.
His father's hand freezes and he stiffens, sitting up and drawing himself away from his children. “Your mother is dead, Arthur. There's not much to speak about,” he answers coldly.
Unfortunately for him, Arthur is too young to understand social cues, so he ploughs on, “What does that mean?”
“It means,” his father replies, standing up and crossing his arms, “that she would be here if it weren't for you.”
Arthur doesn't understand, but when his fathers strides out of the room and shuts the door so loudly Morgana wakes up, he knows never to bring up his mother again.
~*~
He spends more than a few days away from Morgana for the first time five winters later.
She's thirteen now, and he is only nine and he's no longer the fun little brother she shares snacks with, he's a nuisance when she has to babysit him and a don't mind Arthur, he's just a big baby, when he wants to hang out with her and she has friends over. She still buys him sweets and hugs him when their father yells at him, but it's different somehow, they don't understand each other anymore, she does make-up and goes out with boys, while he watches TV and reads and plays sports. Their father insists that they have very specific skills appropriate for their respective assigned roles, and Morgana hates it and she hates the expensive violin their father buys for her, and she hates the ballet lessons that make her feet hurt, and she hates her new pink dress, and she will do anything to piss their father off. Arthur doesn't like football either, but his father looks at him like he's a freak when he says that so he pretends he enjoys going to practice. He's good at it, anyway, so it doesn't matter. After all, Father always says that so long as you are good at something, you should do it, because it matters more to be the best than to love whatever it is that you're the best at.
That December, Morgana comes home late every night and her grades drop and she is constantly bringing over some Leon guy, so Father sends her away for the winter holidays to some girl camp. She comes back even more angry, breaks her violin and rips her dresses until all the clothes she has are either black or dark green, and she starts wearing red lipstick and black eyeliner and she starts dating a guy who is five years older than her and when Father tells her off she just snorts and replies that he should mind his own business and that he has no right to dictate her life.
Arthur doesn't know why this happens, he just knows that Morgana becomes even more distant than before, that she stops hugging him and that she starts acting like he did something wrong. He also knows he missed her, but when he tries to tell her that, she shuts the door in his face.
~*~
On his twelfth birthday, Arthur finds out that Morgana is not his sister.
It's the last year he's spending in that house because next year, he's starting boarding school. His father has a huge party organized, and every single one of Arthur's and Morgana's friends is invited, and their whole family is there, and his father's co-workers and some people that Arthur can swear he's never seen before but who keep telling him that they've known him since he was this tiny. He gets all kinds of gifts, from expensive watches to cuff links he has nothing to wear with, to remote control choppers and DVDs with his favourite movies.
Gaius gives him a book. Arthur's always had a feeling that Gaius understands him better than most grown-ups he knows, even though they don't see each other often. It's a textbook he'll need for his new school, about science and biology and there's a chapter marked with a yellow post-it.
That night, as soon as the party is over, Arthur takes the book and goes to his room where he quickly finds the chapter Gaius meant for him and starts reading. It's about a guy called Mendel and about his peas, and about genes and colours, and there's a scheme a few pages in dedicated to the inheritance of eye colour and the dominant and recessive genes participating in it. It very clearly says that a blue-eyed couple can only have blue-eyed children. Suddenly all the angry, screaming music and the dark clothes and the defiant remarks that Morgana's been living in for the last few years make much more sense.
~*~
Coming home for winter holidays next year is the sweetest relief, until it's the worst torture.
Arthur is by no means stupid, he knows that, but he's apparently not very academically inclined and also, in deep denial because he honestly never really made the connection between his old school's new computers or newly air-conditioned office or refurnished classrooms or new science lab and his suddenly amazing grades. In his old school, he was popular, and everyone wanted to hang out with him.
His new school is different. It's the best school money can buy, which is exactly why money can't buy it (not that his father hasn't tried, and tried very hard), so Arthur is left to his own devices, working his ass off to get grades that are only decent and far below his father's criteria for a successful child. But it's difficult to study when every few minutes somebody whose parents got screwed over by his father one too many times, or somebody who's there on a scholarship and actually had to be one of the best students in the country to get there, or somebody who just doesn't like him because he's new sticks their head into his room to call him a stupid sissy or to ask him if he's gonna run to his father and cry.
And then there's Gwaine, who's the worst of them all, until he's not. Gwaine is possibly the richest kid of everyone there, and that's saying something, but he doesn't act like it at all, he scoffs at all the designer clothes other kids get from their parents and he travels home by bus, not letting his parents pick him up in a limo (which they totally could and would, Arthur assumes), and he doesn't brag about all the cool stuff he has at home, and he doesn't carry the newest gadgets down the hallways hoping someone would ask him what they are. And still, somehow, he's arguably the most popular person there. He's three years older than Arthur, and he's handsome and smart and funny, and Arthur can appreciate his humour when it's not directed at him, but when it is, it's like being hit with a whip, quick and precise and stingingly painful. Then again, Gwaine teases everyone, and he hangs out with the scholarship kids, who are seen as the biggest losers there, and everyone still wants to be him or at least be close to him.
Arthur kind of secretly hates him until November 29th, when it's Morgana's birthday and he wants to be with her for it (even though her only reply to his greeting was a polite, but distant Thank you), but he's not, he's at this stupid school that he hates, studying stupid Spanish that he also hates, surrounded by stupid people he hates and he's having a really bad day. And then he turns the wrong corridor as he's walking back to his room and he runs into some older boys bullying this girl he sort of knows from his algebra lessons (and she's nice and pretty, but she's a scholarship kid, and she's Arthur's age, and also, she's Indian and has an accent that everyone laughs at), and something inside him snaps. He's no match for the guys standing in front of him and he really, really shouldn't get involved, and his father is going to be so mad, but it's not right, standing there and watching it happen, it's not okay to look away or close his eyes, because the look in the girl's eyes is pure desperation and fear, she's crying and they're laughing at it; it disgusts Arthur that someone can take pleasure in hurting another person like this so he calls out to them, tells them to stop.
It goes exactly as Arthur expected, they gang up on him, shove him against a wall, tease him until, only minutes later, Gwaine walks in on them and yells for them to stop. They run off and Arthur is left standing there in complete shock, because Gwaine just defended him. If there's anything Arthur knows about Gwaine, it's that the guy hates rich, spoilt kids, and Arthur fits that bill to a T.
“You all right?” Gwaine asks and Arthur can only nod, still nonplussed by Gwaine's sudden care for him. “I, uh. I saw what you did there. Very brave,” Gwaine continues, holding out a hand and helping Arthur stand properly. “I, er, guess you're, um, not as bad as I thought,” Gwaine eventually offers with a small smile. Arthur is still confused.
But that's how Arthur makes a friend for life. They start hanging out and Arthur finds out that Gwaine is, when you're on his good side, as protective and loving and loyal as he is scathing and hurtful when he doesn't like you. Gwaine makes Arthur's life at the school better, easier. Other kids still tease him and he still hates being there, but at least now he has someone on his side.
It's still good to go home for the holidays. It's nice to sleep in a bed that he knows, to wake up to a room that's his and, yes, it's good to be treated like he's a prince. But if Arthur is the prince of the household, his father is the king, and a cruel, demanding, unhappy one. Morgana is still in her rebellious, defiant phase and Arthur's grades are not what they should be, and a recent, more liberal law that was passed is making Uther grumpy, so soon enough, Arthur's holidays turn into hell on Earth. Dinners are awkward, days are lonely and the little time that Arthur tries to make theirs usually ends in his father yelling at him for being incompetent and for depending on his wealth to get anywhere. The words sting more than Arthur is willing to admit, because they're true and because he's heard them before in all the friends who no longer call and all the disappointed looks from his teachers and all the jabs from Gwaine.
So, when it gets really bad one day and Arthur storms out of the house without a jacket even though it's snowing outside and he's shaking from the cold within seconds, Arthur swears to himself that he won't be just the son of Uther Pendragon, he will be Arthur, and he won't depend on his money, or his family name, or his father, he will be himself and he will earn himself a spot in the world. Gwaine will be proud of him, Arthur thinks, watching the snowflakes melt on his palm.
~*~
At the end of February, he experiences his first love, first kiss and first heartbreak.
Her name is Sophia, she's his age and goes to his school; she's pretty and smart, but there's always something missing. Arthur dates her because she asks him and he's already fourteen so it's expected of him. It's not bad. But it's not spectacular. Usually, she's the one asking him out, she's the one touching his arm and she's the one who kisses him. Arthur sits with her awkwardly, mostly panicking over the fact that he has no clue what to do.
When she kisses him for the first time, it's wet and awkward and unpleasant, Arthur does what Gwaine told him to and Sophia smiles at him afterwards, but Arthur doesn't feel like repeating that ever again. He spends days wondering if there's something wrong with him, because everyone he knows just loves kissing and making out and he's a teenager for Christ's sake, he's supposed to be way into this. He imagines himself telling his father that he just doesn't like relationships and that no, thank you, but he doesn't want to date or get married or have kids. He can clearly picture his father's disappointed, outraged face, and that's what makes him swallow down his complaints and pretend he enjoys kissing Sophia.
Apparently, he's not very good at it, though, because she dumps him only a week later. At first, he's hurt and wonders what he did wrong, but as he walks back from the coffee place where they met up, he realizes he doesn't actually feel heartbroken, he just thinks he should. It's actually a relief to be without her, not to have to worry about always being the perfect gentleman or to always remember the dates and everything she says on them.
He goes back to Gwaine and Lancelot's room and tells them that he's not actually sorry about what happened, because they're the only people he trusts not to laugh at him and not to judge, and he is so grateful that he does actually have someone like that. Gwaine and Lancelot are the ones who teach him that it didn't matter whose child you are or what kind of legacy you are expected to carry on, what is important is to be yourself. They're the ones who teach Arthur that he needs to make his own decisions and create his own future. Arthur doesn't know that yet, but he already knows Gwaine and Lancelot are the true friends he's always wanted.
As predicted, they don't call him a freak and they seem to understand where he's coming from. When Arthur wonders out loud, not really expecting an answer, why he never really cared about Sophia, Lancelot just smiles secretively, but Gwaine laughs, puts a hand on the back of Arthur's neck and kisses him. And that, that feels heavenly, and Arthur never wants it to end, that is what he's felt like doing all along, that's what gives him the tingles.
“That's why you didn't care about Sophia,” Gwaine tells him and Arthur has to agree.
When he goes back to his own room that night, holding his jacket tightly around himself because god damn it, it's cold, Arthur wonders if he will ever be able to tell his father that he actually kinda sorta prefers guys. He doesn't think he's come quite that far from idolizing his father and needing his approval just yet.
~*~
It's a few days before Arthur's sixteenth birthday when Morgana brings home a girl, dark-skinned and with snowflakes in her long, brown curls. Morgana introduces her as Gwen, my girlfriend.
Uther yells at her until he is almost literally blue in the face. Morgana stands with her chin jutting out defiantly, an uncaring smirk on her face, almost like this is exactly what she wanted. Uther threatens to disown her, to kick her out, to destroy her, and she stands there, like she's challenging him to do just that. Gwen looks incredibly awkward, somewhat embarrassed and definitely unsure of what to do. Arthur stays out of it, just looking on from the door that he was just walking through when it all started. Uther throws around words like sick and unnatural and despicable and my daughter will not be a freak and Arthur listens, knowing that they're meant for him as well, even if Uther himself doesn't realize it.
It's difficult to hear and it makes him feel nauseous to know that his father is one of those people who will never accept him for who he is. It's not news to Arthur that his father is an old-fashioned, bigoted man, or that he expects too much or that Arthur will never live up to the ideal son his father has created in his head, it's not news that Arthur wants to be a different person from what his father expects him to be, but it still hurts to hear it so plainly, because this is his father, a man he's always loved and probably always will, a person he will always want to impress, his only living family.
But then he looks at Morgana, who's still standing in the middle of the room, strong and unmoved, proud and Arthur remembers in that one moment all the times when Morgana helped him, every hug she gave him, all the times when Morgana was his best and only friend. So no, he decides, Uther is not his only family. Morgana is his sister, if not by blood, then by choice.
“Father, Morgana can date whoever she wants,” he finds himself saying. He walks to stand by Morgana's side and the look she gives him is worth the way his father's eyes widen.
Things get better between him and his sister after that.
~*~
He gets drunk for the first time the week he goes back to school.
It's the last winter Gwaine and Lancelot are spending at that boarding school, so Arthur does everything he can to spend as much quality time with them as possible. It's kind of bittersweet, because as much fun as he has with them, he can never quite get away from thinking that it's the last time they're doing it.
Once Gwaine and Lancelot are gone, Arthur is left alone again. This time, though, it's okay, because he knows who he is and who he wants to be, and also a little bit because he texts with Morgana and Gwaine and Lancelot all the time, and he knows he's not really alone. He starts studying and his grades get better, he has two short, but very enjoyable relationships, and he decides to become a lawyer not only because his father wants him to be one, but also because he enjoys it. For the first time in his life, he is not actually pretending to be strong, he feels confident and powerful and he is looking forward to what the future brings.
~*~
It ends in November, but Arthur's whole winter is grey and dull and the snow that crunches under his boots is not as inviting as it was last winter.
College is everything Arthur expected it to be - exhausting, challenging, enlightening and fun. It's also unhealthy, but that may well be because Arthur procrastinates till the last possible minute and then has to forego sleep to get those few extra hours of studying.
He learns a lot. He learns about the legal system of the Roman Empire, and he learns the psychology of lying, they teach him how to talk to victims and how to crush people in examination, he masters the skill of working the courtroom in the mock trials they organize as part of their practice.
He also learns that his roommate from second year, Percival, is really hot and kisses really well. He learns that sex is kind of the best when it's quick and rough, but it's also really good when it's slow and lazy. In the two years that they spend together, Arthur learns he likes walking in the snow and kissing in the hallways, that he can throw a mean punch when someone insults those he cares about, that, although control is something he is constantly fighting to gain, it feels great to give it up as well.
When they go their separate ways in November, Arthur thinks that that's it, it's over, he will never love anyone the way he loves Percival. He mourns with lots of alcohol, a few one-night-stands and not just one failed exam. It feels like the worst winter of his life - the wind is harsher than it ever was, the snow is a nuisance, the skies are constantly grey and no amount of clothes and blankets makes him warm enough.
But then Morgana gets over Gwen (who broke up with her months ago), finds a new boyfriend and she's smiling again, going out and having fun and Arthur suddenly knows he'll be okay too.
~*~
They meet in early December...