An Infallible Reason 8
8: but here in this moment, like the eye of the storm,
it all came clear to me
“I have a problem.”
“Of course you do, why else would you call me?” Morgana says through a mouthful of her breakfast.
“Cute. Merlin told me he wanted to move back to his apartment.” The silence that follows is neither natural nor comforting. Usually, Morgana will have an opinion pretty quickly and while she may not voice it immediately, she will give it away in minute details of her behaviour that Arthur has long since learnt to read. This time, though, he only hears her chew the rest of her bite and swallow it before she replies.
“And?”
“And I don't think he should go!” Arthur replies, frustrated. He's had a headache since that morning when he yelled at Merlin (You'd better still be here when I come back!) and Merlin yelled at him (Fuck you, Arthur, you're not my boss anymore!) and it all escalated into an argument over something honestly best solved in a mature discussion between two adults. But Arthur, as many have pointed out, can sometimes be a tiny bit less than mature.
Truth be told, he's worried. He doesn't spend a lot of time at home anymore because it's difficult to see Merlin suffering, and it's just easier to pretend to have other things to do. It's not what a good friend, or a good person for that matter, does, but Arthur's been feeling the pressure to excel at everything he does for too long, and he needs a break. Which doesn't mean he's forgotten that Merlin lives with him for a reason. The fact that he keeps finding Merlin on the balcony, leaning over the railings and looking down, is a sure way to keep him remembering.
So, when Merlin announced that he wanted to go back home, Arthur panicked, worst possible scenarios of what Merlin could do with no one around flashing through his mind. So he lashed out and expressly forbid Merlin to leave. Granted, that might not have been the smartest move, but Arthur was only doing it to protect his friend. He's getting seriously tired of his actions being misinterpreted as need for control, when all he's doing is trying to keep everything running smoothly, trying to make all those close to him happy and safe; it's all he's ever wanted. It's part of the reason why he suggested security as their business to his father years ago. It's kind of ironic how he failed at his job with Merlin, even though his job is what he was dedicated to most. Now he can't let himself fail again.
“You don't think he should go, or you don't want him to go?” Morgana asks, in that annoying flat tone which usually means that she thinks Arthur should do all the hard work of figuring out the right thing to do all by himself and that she's only an enabler.
“I think he's safer at my place, I'm there and he spends less time alone and it's more...” Even as he's saying it, he knows it's bullcrap. Merlin probably spends more time alone now that Arthur's trying to subtly avoid him, Arthur has already installed a state of the arts alarm system in Merlin's flat as well, and Arthur lives two floors higher than Merlin which technically makes his apartment more dangerous. And yet. Arthur wants Merlin to stay.
~*~
Arthur's whole day passes in nervous anticipation of going home; when he gets there, Merlin is where he usually is these days - he's sitting on the balcony, his legs squeezed under the railing and dangling over the edge. Arthur takes his time to change into more comfortable clothes, knowing this could be a very long conversation, and uses his opportunity to gather his wits and make a plan for what to say. While he was talking to Morgana, he suddenly realized that he needed to step up his game, because Merlin needs him.
Four months ago, it was enough to just be there, to make sure Merlin knew he had someone on his side. But things should have changed since then, Merlin should have made progress in his recovery and Arthur should have started doing more. But he didn't and that was a huge mistake. It's no wonder Merlin seems stuck in some sort of a loop, Arthur is finally realizing, when no one is trying to pull him out of it. But that's over now, Arthur will make sure of it. He will make up for lost time and he will redeem himself for running away from the problem with more than just feeling insanely guilty. He's opened a vacation at work, he's enlisted Morgana's help with keeping their father placated and well away from Arthur's life for the time being, he's even called some of the most prestigious (and expensive) psychotherapists in the area and arranged for some meetings. That was the easy part. Now he has to snap Merlin out of whatever haze he's in and make him participate.
He joins Merlin on the balcony and sits next to him, leaning against the railing. “Hey,” he says. Merlin just nods in his direction without even looking at him. “Thank you for staying,” Arthur adds, hoping that will set the tone for this conversation. He doesn't want another argument with Merlin, especially not now that he's decided to finally do what needs to be done, and he knows it's not gonna be easy. Over the last few weeks, he's learnt the hard way that it doesn't take long to provoke an emotional reaction out of Merlin, so he's planning on treading very, very carefully, because he needs Merlin level-headed and thinking straight, he needs Merlin to see the problem and its solution rationally, because that's the only way he might agree to talk about it - as cold, hard facts.
“Look, I wanted to... I wanted to apologize,” Arthur continues. Apologizing isn't something he does often, but in this case, Merlin more than deserves it. “I've been avoiding spending time with you.”
“I know,” Merlin replies quietly. His voice is flat, devoid of any emotion and Arthur can't tell if he's hurt or offended or if he just doesn't really care. “Which is why I don't understand why you would want me to stay here.”
It's a well known fact to anyone who's met Arthur that he's never been comfortable showing his feelings or talking about them. When he was a kid, he'd hide being sick because he didn't want anyone to think that he was weak. When he was a teenager, Morgana thought he hated her because he hadn't quite grown out of the siblings-who-love-each-other-beat-each-other phase. And then he met Merlin. Merlin wore his heart on his sleeve, he trusted people to the point of being naïve, he wanted to believe in the good in everyone. Now he doesn't anymore, and Arthur wants to fix that. He wants to do for Merlin what Merlin once did for him - teach him how to start really living. So he doesn't even hesitate in replying, “Because I want to help you.”
“How?” Merlin asks quietly.
Arthur is a bit thrown by the question. He actually hasn't gotten far in figuring that part out. “I... I don't know. Any way I can?”
“Arthur, I don't want you to feel like you have to help me. I'm... dealing with it.”
“No, you're not,” Arthur replies decisively. “You're doing anything but, I do mean literally anything. And I want to say that I understand, but I don't, because it wasn't me, something like this never happened to me, and you're right, I've been doing this as a duty, because I thought it was something I was supposed to do, because I felt responsible as a person who, however inadvertently still played a role in you being in that particular place at that particular time, so I never really asked anything because I never really wanted to know. But! I do now. I want to help you. Not because it's what is expected of me, but because... Because I care. I want you to be... normal, if not happy again.” When he first starts talking, he doesn't expect it to grow into such a rant, but he means every word of it. It's probably the most articulate he's ever been when telling something so personal to anyone and according to all he's ever been taught, he should feel more vulnerable than ever before, but he doesn't; it actually feels empowering, more of a battle cry than a confession and he has to reluctantly admit that Morgana's been right all along, he really is shit at understanding how humans work - business, he knows, technology, he knows, but so far, most of his assumptions about human psyche and interactions have been wrong.
“You always lead by example, don't you?” Merlin comments, just a slight hint of something in his voice that wasn't there before; it's the first joke, however understated, he's made in weeks and Arthur's proud he was the one who made it happen. He just hopes they can continue on the right track this time.
9: wings won't take me, heights don't phase me,
so take a step, but don't look down; take a step