Yet Another Sabbatical
I go on a lot of vacations from the internet, or really I vacation a lot on the internet, and whichever way you look at it, this is one of those times when I'll either be returning more to real life, or taking some time off from the internet. Simply put, I won't be here for at the least, a month. No AIM, no LiveJournal, no Braintree site, just the occasional email checking (there are a few people I really care about that I only talk to online... I should probably start writing letters).
I didn't have my surgery today because as it turns out, I'm in awesome totally badass shape so the surgeon decided to use a local anesthetic instead of a general, so the surgery's been downgraded. On top of that, my period of non-activity has been shortened to four weeks. So basically I get to live a normal life for four weeks, of no working out, no singing, no real anything. AFTER those four weeks, though, I can go back to all of that good stuff, and I can actually start RUNNING again, which I haven't been able to do since I was 15.
God that's going to be an awesome fucking feeling, I loved running. Runner's World subscription, weighed 130 lbs., the whole nine yards. *gets misty*
But yeah, the sabbatical... I'm facing a huge change in my life right now. Everything's going to change yet again, and I'm really looking forward to it to be honest. I've had a hell of a month in terms of friends, and this latest escapade has me really hurt. I asked someone what's gone on lately between us, and they ended up answering that I lie a lot, that I don't eat (...?!), that I don't have a job (...?!?), and that I don't take care of myself in the general sense. That really, really hurt, in short. What took the cake, though, was when they said something about having to pay for me because my bank decided to penalize me without notifying me, so suddenly I'm hundreds of dollars short. I'm paraphrasing here, but this is what was said: "We're all pretty much used to having to pay for you when we go out. We didn't know if you actually didn't have any money in the account, or if you were lying about it to have us pay." I've been called a lot of things before, and I've had people judge me pretty harshly in the past. Yeah there were occasions when people were just trying to throw the biggest stones in sight and hope one hit home, but that's a rare event. Usually criticisms of me are somewhat grounded in reality, even if they're exaggerated for dramatic purposes, revenge, or whatever.
But not this time. This time was absolutely fucking ridiculous in how mean it was (this was in the midst of a civil conversation with a friend, mind you!), how low it was, and how unlike me it was. People have said a lot of things about me, and I know that they're mostly, in part, true. This time, though, the allegations, the assumptions, and the judgements were off by a lot.
I asked to be told, though, so it's impossible to be angry. I'm hurt, but more than that I'm disappointed. In four years of close friendship and this is the best the friend can do in knowing me?
I am self-righteous. I am confused, I am angry, and I am bitter. I care too much when other people hold promise to be someone I can love, and I don't care enough when others attempt to love me. I am too quick to fall in love with the idea of loving someone, and too slow to fall in love with the person. Because I've been a victim of other people's thoughtlessness once or twice, I play a victim in all the stories I tell. I am a sympathy whore. I sing, I write, I joke, I talk, all to please and rarely to please me. I buy far too much music, and cannot stop. I am addicted to the fact that by doing nice things for others, I can make them feel happy. I do not know what I will be when I grow up, and more importantly I don't care at the moment. I am where I am today because I took my life in my own hands, and once upon a time that was commonplace, but today we are a generation of children who feel that adulthood is a prize awarded when you reach your twenties, and not when you are responsible for yourself. Because of this, I feel that I am much more mature than a majority of my peers, and far less fortunate. But I am not a victim.
My greatest fear is that one day my self-confidence will be wasted on nights spent in vain reassuring myself that I am right. I have a handfull of people in my life who are proof that I am worthwhile to know, but the two people I have loved have told me otherwise. I hope to someday forgive them for that, but first I have to forgive myself for loving them when I knew I shouldn't. In the meantime, those that prove my validity as a person keep me going when I can't, and I hope they forgive me for that.
And I am still not a victim. My faults are my own, and what has happened to me is something I have to deal with, not those around me.
And that's that. I know what's wrong with me, and I've been dealing with it all along. Over the next month I'll be undergoing a physical change (where I start developing the ability to shoot webs from my wrists, among other things), so I figure, WHY not kill two birds with one stone? Which is exactly what I'll be doing. Thanks for paying attention everyone, I'll be back in a bit.
-Owen
I didn't have my surgery today because as it turns out, I'm in awesome totally badass shape so the surgeon decided to use a local anesthetic instead of a general, so the surgery's been downgraded. On top of that, my period of non-activity has been shortened to four weeks. So basically I get to live a normal life for four weeks, of no working out, no singing, no real anything. AFTER those four weeks, though, I can go back to all of that good stuff, and I can actually start RUNNING again, which I haven't been able to do since I was 15.
God that's going to be an awesome fucking feeling, I loved running. Runner's World subscription, weighed 130 lbs., the whole nine yards. *gets misty*
But yeah, the sabbatical... I'm facing a huge change in my life right now. Everything's going to change yet again, and I'm really looking forward to it to be honest. I've had a hell of a month in terms of friends, and this latest escapade has me really hurt. I asked someone what's gone on lately between us, and they ended up answering that I lie a lot, that I don't eat (...?!), that I don't have a job (...?!?), and that I don't take care of myself in the general sense. That really, really hurt, in short. What took the cake, though, was when they said something about having to pay for me because my bank decided to penalize me without notifying me, so suddenly I'm hundreds of dollars short. I'm paraphrasing here, but this is what was said: "We're all pretty much used to having to pay for you when we go out. We didn't know if you actually didn't have any money in the account, or if you were lying about it to have us pay." I've been called a lot of things before, and I've had people judge me pretty harshly in the past. Yeah there were occasions when people were just trying to throw the biggest stones in sight and hope one hit home, but that's a rare event. Usually criticisms of me are somewhat grounded in reality, even if they're exaggerated for dramatic purposes, revenge, or whatever.
But not this time. This time was absolutely fucking ridiculous in how mean it was (this was in the midst of a civil conversation with a friend, mind you!), how low it was, and how unlike me it was. People have said a lot of things about me, and I know that they're mostly, in part, true. This time, though, the allegations, the assumptions, and the judgements were off by a lot.
I asked to be told, though, so it's impossible to be angry. I'm hurt, but more than that I'm disappointed. In four years of close friendship and this is the best the friend can do in knowing me?
I am self-righteous. I am confused, I am angry, and I am bitter. I care too much when other people hold promise to be someone I can love, and I don't care enough when others attempt to love me. I am too quick to fall in love with the idea of loving someone, and too slow to fall in love with the person. Because I've been a victim of other people's thoughtlessness once or twice, I play a victim in all the stories I tell. I am a sympathy whore. I sing, I write, I joke, I talk, all to please and rarely to please me. I buy far too much music, and cannot stop. I am addicted to the fact that by doing nice things for others, I can make them feel happy. I do not know what I will be when I grow up, and more importantly I don't care at the moment. I am where I am today because I took my life in my own hands, and once upon a time that was commonplace, but today we are a generation of children who feel that adulthood is a prize awarded when you reach your twenties, and not when you are responsible for yourself. Because of this, I feel that I am much more mature than a majority of my peers, and far less fortunate. But I am not a victim.
My greatest fear is that one day my self-confidence will be wasted on nights spent in vain reassuring myself that I am right. I have a handfull of people in my life who are proof that I am worthwhile to know, but the two people I have loved have told me otherwise. I hope to someday forgive them for that, but first I have to forgive myself for loving them when I knew I shouldn't. In the meantime, those that prove my validity as a person keep me going when I can't, and I hope they forgive me for that.
And I am still not a victim. My faults are my own, and what has happened to me is something I have to deal with, not those around me.
And that's that. I know what's wrong with me, and I've been dealing with it all along. Over the next month I'll be undergoing a physical change (where I start developing the ability to shoot webs from my wrists, among other things), so I figure, WHY not kill two birds with one stone? Which is exactly what I'll be doing. Thanks for paying attention everyone, I'll be back in a bit.
-Owen