Transitioning and the Loss that Comes with It
In the past year, I have learnt that if you find yourself unable to behave in a manner more comfortable for those who have been your "friends" for years, and you begin to deal with issues that cannot be avoided in the best way you know how, there are many so-called friends who deem it perfectly feasible to abandon you when you probably need them the most.
Therapists most often place the burden of "isolating" on the individual going through such a transition, when I don't think it's that at all. I think it's finding oneself in the untenable situation of being cut loose at sea in a region of emotional water that is alien, frightening, and dangerous, without even a life raft or flotation device that might once have been provided by people who would have provided such a thing based on the convenience or comfort level for them.
I learned today that I was "blocked" on a social networking site because my attitude, albeit mostly jokingly, was intolerable to the person who blocked me. This person and I have for many years been at philosophical odds, which was a fascinating and educational dynamic to put it mildly, but we always found a common ground, and were always honest with one another regarding our feelings about life in general and our true love for one another. I felt I could always depend upon her for her honesty with me and I had hoped she felt the same about me. Apparently, since I have found it downright impossible to even pretend a tolerance of fluffy-bunniness over the past year, she has taken my position regarding such behaviour as personal and has blocked me from her life on certain levels.
Friendships should be friendships either 100% or not at all. At least, that's my opinion, be it humble or no. Am I hurt by this revelation? Yes. Surprised? I'd like to say so, but I'm really not. The most "tolerant" and "all-inclusive" people often turn out to be the most hypocritical, I've come to learn. This is someone I came to know in "real life," pre-Internet. She has always known I've walked a darker path. She seemed to have always accepted that, just as I accepted what I believed to be an irrational optimism in the face of obvious desolation.
And, like so many others have since Aunt Tudi's death, she's chosen to distance herself from me when I need people the most. My therapist says the best thing for me is to have more human contact. If I have to act in order to obtain such contact, I'm not really sure that's really all that healthy. One thing for certain is, though, my friends I've made through the Internet are much more precious to me now than ever before. If it weren't for many of you, I honestly doubt I'd be here at all right now. Take that for what it's worth, either a blessing, a curse, a burden, or an honour; none of the above, or a combination of them all. It's just a simple fact I'm putting out there.
For those who know when my joking is just that, joking, and take what I say and do with the big chunk of salt it requires, I commend you for your courage and your friendship. I am grateful to you, and I hope you love and trust me enough to tell me if I ever upset you by my actions either in word or deed. Despite my plunge into full-on agnosticism, I still do believe in the Threefold Law and "'An in harm none, do what ye will." It is not my intent to harm anyone, except for maybe myself at times. I respect everyone I know. That's why my friends base is comprised not just of Pagans and Liberals, but also of scientists, Conservatives, Christians, Muslims, Jews, Atheists, LGBTs, and so many others who decide to take on whatever labels you choose. I respect you all. I learn from you all. We all have something of worth to share with one another. If we shut off one aspect of such interaction, to me, it's like performing an amputation without the proper surgical tools and without anaesthetic.
Yes, my outlook on life has gotten considerably darker in the past year. I would think that's when friends rally around one another, when they see one of their own in pain. This is obviously how it does not work, not in this imperfect human world where one hurt exponentially leads to another. A major life change most definitely puts into perspective who your real family and real friends are. My circle is decidedly much smaller than I could have ever imagined, and it grieves me on a level I can't sufficiently translate into words. I'd like to say that I would be there for any one of you, in whatever situation you find yourself in, regardless of how convenient or inconvenient it might be for me. That's what friends are for, at least that's how I've always understood the definitiion.
I will say this, and it's an admission that literally kills me to make, but make it I must: this new development has driven me to tears. And it shakes my already tenuous faith in humanity and the power of friendship, if there is even such a power that actually exists. It's moments like this that gives credence to my proclivity to reclusiveness, just to turn my back on the entire world and die hopefully sooner than later alone, like I apparently am.
I've spent too many years of my life being friends to people who find it very easy to cut me off simply because our ideals don't match and I've become an inconvenience to them. If you surround yourself with people exactly like yourself, how do you ever hope to grow? You don't. It's only a proliferation of what you believe to be the one true and right way. It's narcissistic if you ask me.
There is no one true and right way. There is only the best way through it all, with the best people you can find, to help you get by and who will allow you to have the honour to do the same for them in whatever way you are capable. It's a learning experience. The greatest test is when the relationship is rocked by tragedy or joy, any extreme of any kind. If it can't hold up, it was a lie from the very beginning.
Over the past few months, I've been in awe of the number of lies that have wrapped around me in the guise of wondrous ribbons so full of beauty that they could make even the master Elvensmiths of Tolkien's universe weep in response. But pretty ribbons and empty words disintegrate when the actuality of the Real raises its all-too-often ugly head.
It's not even the end of the first month of 2013, but already have I experienced the best and worst of what humanity can offer. The funny thing is, the best comes from people I've never met in real life, and the worst comes from individuals with whom I've carried on a relationship for 15 years. If this is any indication of what 2013 holds for me, I easily foresee a redefinition of the words friendship and family.
Now excuse me while I go try to find my kleenex.
Therapists most often place the burden of "isolating" on the individual going through such a transition, when I don't think it's that at all. I think it's finding oneself in the untenable situation of being cut loose at sea in a region of emotional water that is alien, frightening, and dangerous, without even a life raft or flotation device that might once have been provided by people who would have provided such a thing based on the convenience or comfort level for them.
I learned today that I was "blocked" on a social networking site because my attitude, albeit mostly jokingly, was intolerable to the person who blocked me. This person and I have for many years been at philosophical odds, which was a fascinating and educational dynamic to put it mildly, but we always found a common ground, and were always honest with one another regarding our feelings about life in general and our true love for one another. I felt I could always depend upon her for her honesty with me and I had hoped she felt the same about me. Apparently, since I have found it downright impossible to even pretend a tolerance of fluffy-bunniness over the past year, she has taken my position regarding such behaviour as personal and has blocked me from her life on certain levels.
Friendships should be friendships either 100% or not at all. At least, that's my opinion, be it humble or no. Am I hurt by this revelation? Yes. Surprised? I'd like to say so, but I'm really not. The most "tolerant" and "all-inclusive" people often turn out to be the most hypocritical, I've come to learn. This is someone I came to know in "real life," pre-Internet. She has always known I've walked a darker path. She seemed to have always accepted that, just as I accepted what I believed to be an irrational optimism in the face of obvious desolation.
And, like so many others have since Aunt Tudi's death, she's chosen to distance herself from me when I need people the most. My therapist says the best thing for me is to have more human contact. If I have to act in order to obtain such contact, I'm not really sure that's really all that healthy. One thing for certain is, though, my friends I've made through the Internet are much more precious to me now than ever before. If it weren't for many of you, I honestly doubt I'd be here at all right now. Take that for what it's worth, either a blessing, a curse, a burden, or an honour; none of the above, or a combination of them all. It's just a simple fact I'm putting out there.
For those who know when my joking is just that, joking, and take what I say and do with the big chunk of salt it requires, I commend you for your courage and your friendship. I am grateful to you, and I hope you love and trust me enough to tell me if I ever upset you by my actions either in word or deed. Despite my plunge into full-on agnosticism, I still do believe in the Threefold Law and "'An in harm none, do what ye will." It is not my intent to harm anyone, except for maybe myself at times. I respect everyone I know. That's why my friends base is comprised not just of Pagans and Liberals, but also of scientists, Conservatives, Christians, Muslims, Jews, Atheists, LGBTs, and so many others who decide to take on whatever labels you choose. I respect you all. I learn from you all. We all have something of worth to share with one another. If we shut off one aspect of such interaction, to me, it's like performing an amputation without the proper surgical tools and without anaesthetic.
Yes, my outlook on life has gotten considerably darker in the past year. I would think that's when friends rally around one another, when they see one of their own in pain. This is obviously how it does not work, not in this imperfect human world where one hurt exponentially leads to another. A major life change most definitely puts into perspective who your real family and real friends are. My circle is decidedly much smaller than I could have ever imagined, and it grieves me on a level I can't sufficiently translate into words. I'd like to say that I would be there for any one of you, in whatever situation you find yourself in, regardless of how convenient or inconvenient it might be for me. That's what friends are for, at least that's how I've always understood the definitiion.
I will say this, and it's an admission that literally kills me to make, but make it I must: this new development has driven me to tears. And it shakes my already tenuous faith in humanity and the power of friendship, if there is even such a power that actually exists. It's moments like this that gives credence to my proclivity to reclusiveness, just to turn my back on the entire world and die hopefully sooner than later alone, like I apparently am.
I've spent too many years of my life being friends to people who find it very easy to cut me off simply because our ideals don't match and I've become an inconvenience to them. If you surround yourself with people exactly like yourself, how do you ever hope to grow? You don't. It's only a proliferation of what you believe to be the one true and right way. It's narcissistic if you ask me.
There is no one true and right way. There is only the best way through it all, with the best people you can find, to help you get by and who will allow you to have the honour to do the same for them in whatever way you are capable. It's a learning experience. The greatest test is when the relationship is rocked by tragedy or joy, any extreme of any kind. If it can't hold up, it was a lie from the very beginning.
Over the past few months, I've been in awe of the number of lies that have wrapped around me in the guise of wondrous ribbons so full of beauty that they could make even the master Elvensmiths of Tolkien's universe weep in response. But pretty ribbons and empty words disintegrate when the actuality of the Real raises its all-too-often ugly head.
It's not even the end of the first month of 2013, but already have I experienced the best and worst of what humanity can offer. The funny thing is, the best comes from people I've never met in real life, and the worst comes from individuals with whom I've carried on a relationship for 15 years. If this is any indication of what 2013 holds for me, I easily foresee a redefinition of the words friendship and family.
Now excuse me while I go try to find my kleenex.