I Am not OK
I've had a lot of people asking me lately if I were okay. The answer is No. I am not okay.
I go for days not eating or sleeping. My feelings are almost, if not moreso, as raw as the day Aunt Tudi died. Everything that can go wrong has done so, or will probably in the very near future. A day does not go by without my thinking of suicide at least once. Honestly, I have never been more lost than I am right now.
There are two houses here. There is the one I live in, the lonely little dark hole I've dug for myself. And then there is the one I shared with Aunt Tudi, where all her belongings still hover in stasis. Until the past few days, I've been able to keep the two separate, despite the growing necessity that I begin to clear Aunt Tudi's stuff out.
A perfect example of these two houses converging is my need to get the title for the car. This required my getting out the keys to the fire-proof boxes and going through each box until I found the documents I needed. Just this one simple act left me on the floor surrounded by paperwork in a daze. I felt like my heart had literally broken in two. The reason for this because, despite my being a Virgo, Aunt Tudi was always the more organised of the two of us. I had my role, and so did she. One of her roles was to keep documents like the car title in a neat little place where it could be easily found.
Which I did.
But it meant touching the Other House. It meant crossing over into a realm that I've been partially successful in avoiding all these long months.
And this is just minor example of what's been going on the past few days.
No. I'm not okay.
I'm trying to be, but I'm being an incredible failure at it. I'm even being a failure at just making it all go away. Cowardly to the very end. Or at least that's the way it looks for now.
I go for days not eating or sleeping. My feelings are almost, if not moreso, as raw as the day Aunt Tudi died. Everything that can go wrong has done so, or will probably in the very near future. A day does not go by without my thinking of suicide at least once. Honestly, I have never been more lost than I am right now.
There are two houses here. There is the one I live in, the lonely little dark hole I've dug for myself. And then there is the one I shared with Aunt Tudi, where all her belongings still hover in stasis. Until the past few days, I've been able to keep the two separate, despite the growing necessity that I begin to clear Aunt Tudi's stuff out.
A perfect example of these two houses converging is my need to get the title for the car. This required my getting out the keys to the fire-proof boxes and going through each box until I found the documents I needed. Just this one simple act left me on the floor surrounded by paperwork in a daze. I felt like my heart had literally broken in two. The reason for this because, despite my being a Virgo, Aunt Tudi was always the more organised of the two of us. I had my role, and so did she. One of her roles was to keep documents like the car title in a neat little place where it could be easily found.
Which I did.
But it meant touching the Other House. It meant crossing over into a realm that I've been partially successful in avoiding all these long months.
And this is just minor example of what's been going on the past few days.
No. I'm not okay.
I'm trying to be, but I'm being an incredible failure at it. I'm even being a failure at just making it all go away. Cowardly to the very end. Or at least that's the way it looks for now.