"Going through the Old Diary"

[tinhuviel]

It's a song title from a piece on "Haunted Box of Switches" by Barry Andrews, and it feels like that's what I've been doing. In all actuality, I've been going through dresser drawers. I found my old Rider-Waite deck, my Celtic Tarot, and the box for the Robin Wood Tarot but, in lieu of cards, there was instead a wax poppet, a wooden heart, a

Comments

Envy? Or anxiety?

[spencer_diehard]

Your post struck a chord with me.

Part of me wishes I had, somewhere along my path as Pagan, been trusted and embraced enough to be intiated in ANY sort of way, to be that bonded, like family, to others...

But then I recall the training/initiation process I went through to be able to do Reiki healing. I really-really struggled with a desire to confront, to escape... I had surges of suspicious rage and things that felt like claustrophobia...

I tell myself I am a Pagan solitaire, a witch... I am not sure there is a witch anywhere who would sincerely agree with me, or regard me as a likely 'fit' for their coven, or family, or whatever.

My husband and I recently reflected on how we came to be living in such profound iscolation, eternal pergatory... The one good I see is the kids are not lazy, take nothing for granted, and have an intense investment in being both 'true' to the family, and 'true' to their own callings, their own futures, personal unfoldment...

Yeah, the one thing I detest about many-many people who HAVE secure community membership is they get petty, cruel, and complacent.

So, I am solitaire, and the only one I know who would call me 'witch.'

Or maybe just a little of both?

[sapphirescarlet]

And your comment struck a chord with me. I don't know you, and my belief system is likely different (because it's different from everyone else's I know) but I feel much the same. I am solitary, and my status as 'witch' is often questionable. Yet I know it, in myself, through means that I am incapable of putting into words.

Perhaps you are alone. But still you're not.

Re: Or maybe just a little of both?

[spencer_diehard]

Yes, I "know" it, too. My gut brought me to this place. I just don't understand why I linger in 'self-defined' space for so long. I thought that being true to myself would lead to 'the promised land' of 'whole' people 'like' myself.

I really appreciate your comment, though. I had just gone off to brood over my situation, and came back to hear a certain amount of acknowledgement and validation from another human being, and I liked it.

But I did, just this morning, talking with my husband, observe the situation, and the only 'silver lining' I could see was the result or influence it has on the kids --- how NOT 'spoiled' they are, and how good their priorities and personal disciplines are.

But I am getting to where I am scared to dream -- I am so tired of disappointment. (Regarding my own life. Not the kids'.)

Thank you for helping me feel a little less alone, anyway. Gonna check out your LJ bio, now.

[sapphirescarlet]

I think my efforts to make my child a better person than I am is one of the best results of my own decision to acknowledge and embrace my personal beliefs, too. Again, I can relate, despite the differences. My bio portrays me as a bit odd, so in that aspect it's accurate.

Comfort zones

[spencer_diehard]

Among the things I've identified as "me," I've taken the labels: bisexual, Polyamorous. But I am also a survivor of child sex abuse with a lifetime of investment in putting things 'right,' including a lot of contemplation...

I recently quit a Pagan girlfriend who shared similar healing issues, and also kinda destroyed her FIRST marriage and child with her emotional issues and promiscuous inclinations. (An issue survivors often have to deal with --- having been groomed to confuse their 'worth' in relationship, and confusing 'love' with lust...)

In any case, she had a whole new family with four young beautiful children, and was living a very cautiously monogamous life. I am not sure what undermined it. I THINK it might be the highly sexualized climate of our local Pagan community. I think her husband was persuaded into a friend-fuck situation, and then he encouraged her to be similarly liberated. I don't think he appreciates what a can of worms he opened up.

In any case --- I am extremely circumspect about sexual issues, being selective, having very thought-out boundaries.

(A huge influence is the reality of having an older brother in prison, doing time for exploiting his daughter --- a problem that started with abusing me, and transferred...)

I have deeeeeeeeep thoughts about what "healthy" sexual contexts and relationships entail, and, in that regards, I am pretty conservative, ESPECIALLY for a Pagan.

Re: Comfort zones

[sapphirescarlet]

Wow.

"wow"

[spencer_diehard]

Don't know if that "wow" is about all the words I used, or how it probably contrasts with your own self image, and boundary needs versus emotional needs.

I am fifty, with a certain amount of trial-and-error mileage on myself. Seen the consequences of all kinds of 'solutions.' Still don't have solid answers, really, but definitely opinionated, all the same.

Re: "wow"

[sapphirescarlet]

I guess it was just from the amount of information you imparted. I tend to personalize most of what I read - and I, like you, am definitely opinionated. While our core belief systems vary quite widely, I have a great deal of respect and admiration for you, based on what I've read in your journal, and here. Especially admiration for your self-realization and attempts to repair the damage done by others. It's something I want to do for myself, and I suspect you could teach me a lot about my view of sexuality and my value as a person. My boundary needs and emotional needs are so skewed I fear they will never be rectified. And I'm not 100% sure I want them to be.

I'm in the process of moving my belongings from one office to another, so I must tear myself away from this beast of a computer. I was reluctant last night to ask if I might friend you, for I fear that my personal journal is likely too fluffy and self-absorbed to hold your interest. But I know I could learn a lot from you, and I'd like to try, without you feeling like you must 'friend' me in return.

"friend" away

[spencer_diehard]

The significant thing, the bottom line, for me, is for people not to 'bond' on false premise. That's what the local Pagan friend did. She and I were essentially of the same resolve, or so she said. Even though she was devoutly "monogamous" and I identify as "poly" -- the business of shared issues and shared resolves --- that felt like a betrayal.

(Some people are very needy of numbers, of a sense of 'popularity,' and they don't care what price they pay.)

However, you say the truth about your own resolves and conduct, and accept mine, and that's enough for me.

I will be "friending" you, too.

lovely!

[sapphirescarlet]

Then I look forward to reading and being read.