yay contradictions!
i am so anxious to "grow up" and "get on with my life". i want it NOW. i want a full time job, i want a car, i want to be living with kyle, paying bills (more than just my cell). i want to be finished college and have a "real" job.
but at the same time, i'm scared of all that, despite how badly i just want to GET ON WITH MY LIFE. all those "responsibilities". i want the responsibilities of being young. i don't want to have to worry about debt, about whether or not i have enough money to make it. about how i'm going to even pay for college. my parents arn't going to help me out, because i'd be "living in sin", and i wouldn't be going to go straight to college. i want to breathe for a few months. i have spent the last 15 years of my life in school, working towards this "education" that requires supposed "excellent grades". which i haven't gotten. i very well could have done well in school. but i chose to say 'fuck that' and spend countless nights awake, sometimes fucked up, sometimes just couldn't sleep. never getting a decent sleep, never interested in paying attention in class.
but i mean, who says grades are everything? there are people out there, working shit jobs, that have a university education. that spent the large amount of money, and it got them nowhere. technically, for what i'm doing, i don't even need a college education. but it's what's expected of me, i have always been taught that it isn't a choice to go to school. and that's fine. it's just the money. and i'm afraid of failing. what if i really can't do this? science isn't my forte. but yet i want to be a pharmacy technician. i've given up the thought that i will be an artist. i want some sort of security in what i do.
i've got it all plotted out. buy a car soon (you're all probably like, 'yeah right...she's been talking about getting a car for a year now), finish high school, move out of here and in with kyle, work for a while, go to durham college so i can live with kyle (millbrook), then move out of there with him and create a life. and then work until i retire. then die.
and i've been asked 'well, where is the time for you? where is the julie time?' and i don't know. i don't think i really care, either. i am so obsessed with being out in the world that i don't want to slow down and just relax. work a lame job for a year or two, do art and try that out. NO, "life" MUST go onwards!
i realize i'm contradicting myself by saying LET'S GET ON WITH LIFE! and wanting all the responsibilities and whatnot, but at the same time, being afraid because i don't want to fuck up. i don't want to make the wrong choices. and i realize that it's going to happen, regardless of how i do it. i WILL move out. i WILL have to face all these things no matter what i do.
...i guess i just have to get out there and go! if i fuck up, hopefully it won't be the end of the world.
i just want it all so much...
but at the same time, i'm scared of all that, despite how badly i just want to GET ON WITH MY LIFE. all those "responsibilities". i want the responsibilities of being young. i don't want to have to worry about debt, about whether or not i have enough money to make it. about how i'm going to even pay for college. my parents arn't going to help me out, because i'd be "living in sin", and i wouldn't be going to go straight to college. i want to breathe for a few months. i have spent the last 15 years of my life in school, working towards this "education" that requires supposed "excellent grades". which i haven't gotten. i very well could have done well in school. but i chose to say 'fuck that' and spend countless nights awake, sometimes fucked up, sometimes just couldn't sleep. never getting a decent sleep, never interested in paying attention in class.
but i mean, who says grades are everything? there are people out there, working shit jobs, that have a university education. that spent the large amount of money, and it got them nowhere. technically, for what i'm doing, i don't even need a college education. but it's what's expected of me, i have always been taught that it isn't a choice to go to school. and that's fine. it's just the money. and i'm afraid of failing. what if i really can't do this? science isn't my forte. but yet i want to be a pharmacy technician. i've given up the thought that i will be an artist. i want some sort of security in what i do.
i've got it all plotted out. buy a car soon (you're all probably like, 'yeah right...she's been talking about getting a car for a year now), finish high school, move out of here and in with kyle, work for a while, go to durham college so i can live with kyle (millbrook), then move out of there with him and create a life. and then work until i retire. then die.
and i've been asked 'well, where is the time for you? where is the julie time?' and i don't know. i don't think i really care, either. i am so obsessed with being out in the world that i don't want to slow down and just relax. work a lame job for a year or two, do art and try that out. NO, "life" MUST go onwards!
i realize i'm contradicting myself by saying LET'S GET ON WITH LIFE! and wanting all the responsibilities and whatnot, but at the same time, being afraid because i don't want to fuck up. i don't want to make the wrong choices. and i realize that it's going to happen, regardless of how i do it. i WILL move out. i WILL have to face all these things no matter what i do.
...i guess i just have to get out there and go! if i fuck up, hopefully it won't be the end of the world.
i just want it all so much...