Hi, my name is Cat and I'm an adrenaline junkie
I went to the doctor at the beginning of the day for an insomnia check-up. She told me if I didn't start prioritizing an extreme life makeover and cut all unnecessary work from my schedule she was going to force me into sick leave. Yes, yes, I told her, but much of my work is at home so sick leave or not I will still be doing it.
At the end of the day I talked to my advisor. After an hour-long chat about what I want to talk to her about during advisement next week, she gently told me that if I didn't cut all unnecessary work from my schedule she would strangle me personally. Okay, I told her, you are totally right. I know she's correct in saying I have to make that decision, I'm absolutely convinced she's correct that I need to change my lifestyle and not just try to fit more into the day...and I left our chat calculating how much unnecessary work I could cram into the five days I have between now and when I promised to report to her on which projects I'm going to recuse myself from.
It's kind of sick. I wasn't thinking about who I wanted to hang with for the weekend, or what I wanted to get out and see or do. I wasn't even thinking about what I wanted to make for slow food dinner or which books I might like to sit down and read. I was thinking about how to pack the most work that is literally making me sick into my schedule as possible. Strike that--it's more than "kind of" sick, it's full-on twisted. It's like I'm at an AA meeting planning which bar to go to afterward. WTF.
The thing about this unnecessary work is that while my behavior indicates that it must be rewarding on some level, it's expansive rather than concrete; it keeps being regurgitated rather than allowing me to tick off any accomplishment boxes; it's exhausting rather than enlightening, empowering or fun; and it requires far more labor than I get any kind of credit for. In other words, it's not a refreshing break from my doctoral work but a bane upon it.
What do I get out of it (aside from insomnia, that is)? The adrenaline rush of performing an impossible task to the satisfaction of external judges who couldn't give a sh*t, an unimportant merit on my CV, insight into the edge of mental breakdown, far too many craptastic lj entries on the same topic. I'm pretty sure it's the adrenaline rush that got me started down this road, and that the same adrenaline rush is going to be the hardest thing to give up.
What, aside from crack cocaine, can I redesign my life around? How does one live a life that doesn't revolve around adrenaline highs without suffering from devastating boredom?
At the end of the day I talked to my advisor. After an hour-long chat about what I want to talk to her about during advisement next week, she gently told me that if I didn't cut all unnecessary work from my schedule she would strangle me personally. Okay, I told her, you are totally right. I know she's correct in saying I have to make that decision, I'm absolutely convinced she's correct that I need to change my lifestyle and not just try to fit more into the day...and I left our chat calculating how much unnecessary work I could cram into the five days I have between now and when I promised to report to her on which projects I'm going to recuse myself from.
It's kind of sick. I wasn't thinking about who I wanted to hang with for the weekend, or what I wanted to get out and see or do. I wasn't even thinking about what I wanted to make for slow food dinner or which books I might like to sit down and read. I was thinking about how to pack the most work that is literally making me sick into my schedule as possible. Strike that--it's more than "kind of" sick, it's full-on twisted. It's like I'm at an AA meeting planning which bar to go to afterward. WTF.
The thing about this unnecessary work is that while my behavior indicates that it must be rewarding on some level, it's expansive rather than concrete; it keeps being regurgitated rather than allowing me to tick off any accomplishment boxes; it's exhausting rather than enlightening, empowering or fun; and it requires far more labor than I get any kind of credit for. In other words, it's not a refreshing break from my doctoral work but a bane upon it.
What do I get out of it (aside from insomnia, that is)? The adrenaline rush of performing an impossible task to the satisfaction of external judges who couldn't give a sh*t, an unimportant merit on my CV, insight into the edge of mental breakdown, far too many craptastic lj entries on the same topic. I'm pretty sure it's the adrenaline rush that got me started down this road, and that the same adrenaline rush is going to be the hardest thing to give up.
What, aside from crack cocaine, can I redesign my life around? How does one live a life that doesn't revolve around adrenaline highs without suffering from devastating boredom?