(no subject)

[tinebaby]

today i went to visit a stage four cancer patient with my mom. my mom talked me into going thinking it would be a good idea since i am studying to be a nurse. anyways the experience was extremely emotional. this lady is old anyways but the cancer had completely eaten her from what seems like the outside in. i didn't recognize her, granted last time i saw her was years ago but it was clear the damage that her disease had done. she was life-less, sunken-in, incoharant, cold, immobile, unable to eat or swallow. i examined her and panicked all of those traits means that death is coming fast. i told my mom that she needed to be taken to a hospital a soon as possible. but my mother said the hospital had already released her to die in peace at her home; nothing more can be done for her.....i cant do anything for her. i looked at her pictures of when she was young, she was beautiful...happy. i wondered if shes scared or if she just wants to go. cancer has claimed the life of many of my ancestors and i fear that it might be flowing through my veins as i type waiting to put on death row. i wonder if i will ever have to see my mother in that position after all tumors are the offspring of cancer. what triumphant and admirable disease cancer is, it sneaks up on you, multiplies and travels through your blood at a fast rate, it never rests, and it a few years it will be the number one killer of americans. a hospice nurse appeared later in the evening to examine her. as she spoke i wrote down what she was saying; this information is valuable to me. anyways i do not intent to study oncology ever. i would let my emotions get to me and ruin my life. i guess i just havent accepted the fact that death comes to us all sooner or later.

oh and btw i miss you....a lot. i know i can be cold and heartless but my intentions were never to hurt you. you're not perfect i know you know, but neither am i. i just want to put things behind us. I love you<3

PS NIKKII IS COMING HOME TOMORROW!! YAY!