(no subject)
AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!! i HATE this. i hate it so much. its not fair. this is crap. im so pissed off. WHY?!?!? i am second rate.
okay so yesterday at first i was like in the shock stage you know. telling myself yeah its okay not a big deal. dont worry about it life goes on. you knew it was going to happen. blah blah blah. then then the oh my god i cant believe im actually crying stage... im such a freaking idiot. yeah that wears off then i just got angry. thats the most fun stage. lol alicia and emily sorta pulled me out of it for a while. emily left me a 10 minute voice message on my cell phone. i had a great time listening to it ahhahah it cracked me up. i love her. i called alicia and she made me feel a million times better. zach got me hyper and i felt happy atleast. so i figured im so tired that ill be able to sleep easily. yeah right. thats when it hit me. i hate it. i realized what i lost. eh whatever lol yoyoyo. lol so this morning wasnt so great. zach cheered me up this morning i guess. went to anatomy and felt like crap. exsausted. i did absolutely nothing productive. not even really sure what we DID do in that class. doesnt matter. went to pottery...waited forever. went to sit down. and did nothing the whole class. i had this lid and i shaved it with a loop tool until it was just a huge pile of dust on the floor. spencer laughed. so yeah. nothing productive. went to lunch. ACKWARD! it sucks sooo much. french i just copied from the teacher so really didnt think. talked to alicia. made me feel worse. lol not the talking to alicia part but what was said part. got angry. good thing i had to drive someone home. otherwise i dunno what i would have done. im so angry i put myself out there and im such a freaking idiot. i dont know why im so hurt. i mean i do. but i feel like such a girl. i LIED! to my parents SEVERAL times! i lied and said i was staying at carly's and watching a movie but didnt and didnt hang out with emily for that time while she was here to freaking go to make sure he was okay. im just angry. oh and i am tough and im not made of glass and i am not dead. i swear. people have so little confidence in me. i was happy. i really was. i never would have...did what i did that day. but i dont regret it. BUT IT WAS ONLY 2 FREAKING DAYS BEFORE!im just hurt. but hey what can i do? its not fair. but complaining about it is going to get me no where. soooo ill work on it. i have great friends. who are awesome. i guess somemtimes you really do realize that you do have them...when you think you dont...yeah makes no sense but it does to me. anyway i hate giving up. i never give up. but it makes sense. i understand i really do. i just dont like being second. thats all. but hey seconds better than third. im a big girl. lol i can handle it.
so seamus "apologized". "well i didnt mean it like that" how the hell could you NOT mean it like that. "plus i didnt think it would get back to you!" JERK! whatever yoyoyo lol makes me smile everytime.
well new day tomorow. maybe itll be a new snowday. becuase ice days suck. okay so i feel much better. nice to get it out. i like this whole protected journal thing
okay so yesterday at first i was like in the shock stage you know. telling myself yeah its okay not a big deal. dont worry about it life goes on. you knew it was going to happen. blah blah blah. then then the oh my god i cant believe im actually crying stage... im such a freaking idiot. yeah that wears off then i just got angry. thats the most fun stage. lol alicia and emily sorta pulled me out of it for a while. emily left me a 10 minute voice message on my cell phone. i had a great time listening to it ahhahah it cracked me up. i love her. i called alicia and she made me feel a million times better. zach got me hyper and i felt happy atleast. so i figured im so tired that ill be able to sleep easily. yeah right. thats when it hit me. i hate it. i realized what i lost. eh whatever lol yoyoyo. lol so this morning wasnt so great. zach cheered me up this morning i guess. went to anatomy and felt like crap. exsausted. i did absolutely nothing productive. not even really sure what we DID do in that class. doesnt matter. went to pottery...waited forever. went to sit down. and did nothing the whole class. i had this lid and i shaved it with a loop tool until it was just a huge pile of dust on the floor. spencer laughed. so yeah. nothing productive. went to lunch. ACKWARD! it sucks sooo much. french i just copied from the teacher so really didnt think. talked to alicia. made me feel worse. lol not the talking to alicia part but what was said part. got angry. good thing i had to drive someone home. otherwise i dunno what i would have done. im so angry i put myself out there and im such a freaking idiot. i dont know why im so hurt. i mean i do. but i feel like such a girl. i LIED! to my parents SEVERAL times! i lied and said i was staying at carly's and watching a movie but didnt and didnt hang out with emily for that time while she was here to freaking go to make sure he was okay. im just angry. oh and i am tough and im not made of glass and i am not dead. i swear. people have so little confidence in me. i was happy. i really was. i never would have...did what i did that day. but i dont regret it. BUT IT WAS ONLY 2 FREAKING DAYS BEFORE!im just hurt. but hey what can i do? its not fair. but complaining about it is going to get me no where. soooo ill work on it. i have great friends. who are awesome. i guess somemtimes you really do realize that you do have them...when you think you dont...yeah makes no sense but it does to me. anyway i hate giving up. i never give up. but it makes sense. i understand i really do. i just dont like being second. thats all. but hey seconds better than third. im a big girl. lol i can handle it.
so seamus "apologized". "well i didnt mean it like that" how the hell could you NOT mean it like that. "plus i didnt think it would get back to you!" JERK! whatever yoyoyo lol makes me smile everytime.
well new day tomorow. maybe itll be a new snowday. becuase ice days suck. okay so i feel much better. nice to get it out. i like this whole protected journal thing