first post
I'll forgo the "I'm a newbie" introduction. I never really do very well with those anyway. I posted this to my main page a few days ago, then after finding this community, decided to post it here as well.
PG-13 language to follow.
A dialog over coffee
“Coffee.”
“Make it two.”
“Do you know what you want to eat yet?”
“Not a clue.”
“Can't make a decision of such import without copious quantities of caffeine. This may take some time.”
“OK, be right back.”
“Shitty place.”
“Good coffee, though.”
“Doubt it.”
“Granted, to you, if a single serving of coffee doesn't contain at least OD levels of caffeine, you equate it to water.”
“Brewed coffee merely introduces nearly boiling water to coarsely -ground coffee beans, on its way to a storage receptacle. Espresso forces very high temperature water through finely ground coffee powder in such a volatile, energetic fashion, that what you have at the end is the nearest one can approach to the pure essence of coffee, to be consumed immediately, by one person. Do you realize that I use as much coffee for two cups as they use for twenty? Besides, the LD50 of caffeine is 40 times higher than the OD level.”
“You take coffee too seriously.”
“It's my one vice.”
“What's that then?”
“Besides cigarettes.”
“When was the last day you didn't get drunk?”
“Alcohol, cigarettes, coffee… That's my one vice.”
“I counted three.”
“They go together. Get drunk, smoke cigarettes during. It's requisite. All smokers smoke when they drink, most drinkers are also smokers. All the truly proficient ones are. Stay up all night drinking and smoking, drink coffee the next morning, or later the same morning, if you prefer, to recover. Smoke during. Also requisite. Any doctor who puts a smoker on a plan to make him a non-smoker tells him to avoid alcohol and caffeine for two weeks prior to quitting, and for at least one month following his last cigarette. I won't give up caffeine, I'd rather not give up alcohol, it's cheaper than therapy, therefore, I can’t give up smoking. One vice.”
“By that logic, life is a vice.”
“Then you won’t be surprised if I agree with that statement.”
“If life is a vice, then is death a virtue?”
“Death is part of the cycle of life, and therefore inseparable from it. Therefore, death is also a vice.”
“Which grips more tightly?”
“Depends on your point of view, religiously speaking. Which lasts longer?”
“To a Christian, depends on where you go afterwards. If to Heaven, Life is eternal, if to Hell, Death.”
“To an atheist Death is eternal as well.”
“To a Buddhist death is a gateway to the next incarnation.”
“Then life.”
“Until Nirvana.”
“Wouldn't that be life eternal as well?”
“It would be nothing.”
“You can't be nothing.”
“No paraphrasing Stoppard.”
“Here you go, two coffees.”
“Do you have sugar in pouring jars, or just these packets?”
“Just the packs.”
“We'll need more packs.”
“Okie-dokie. Y'all know what you want to eat yet?”
“Not just yet.”
“Once again…”
“Not enough caffeine.”
“Right.”
“Sounds like a case of the Mondays =) “
“It's Wednesday.”
“I'll be back in a little bit.”
“We'll endeavor to be prepared for your return.”
“That wasn't nice.”
“I'm rarely nice, and never before coffee. Especially to perky people.”
“She's paid to be perky.”
“Feh. I hate that word.”
“Feh?”
“Y'all.”
“It's in Webster’s now.”
“It should be excised. It's a contraction of a grammatically inefficient, if not incorrect, phrase. 'You' can be, by context, plural. 'You all', is unnecessary and cumbersome. Also, inaccurate when addressing a group numbering less than three. Or, Joe Pesci forbid, one person. I would actually prefer 'you guys', or even 'yous' to 'you all', or even worse, 'y’all'.”
“'Ain't' is in Webster's as well.”
“You're provoking me now, aren't you?”
“Always.”
“Alright then, just what in the hell does 'ain't' mean, anyway? Obviously it's a contraction of some sort, but of what? Judging from the context in which the word is most frequently used, the most likely meaning is 'is not'. That makes no sense. 'Ai' sounds nothing like 'is'. Then again, the 'word', if you will, is just as frequently used in the plural, suggesting a contraction of 'are not' instead.”
“Could be both.”
“Obviously, it's used as such.”
“'A' for 'are', 'I' for 'is'… it could be a construct designed to take the place of two words. Colloquial shorthand, if you will.”
“Mother of Darwin… It makes so much sense, it couldn't possibly be true.”
“It feels right, though, doesn't it?”
“I need a drink.”
“More coffee?”
“I was thinking of something stronger.”
“We don't serve alcohol, sir.”
“I suspected.”
“Are you ready to order?”
“May as well, you first.”
“Colorado omelet.”
“Denver omelet… belay that; I don't like the idea of being inside you; make that a steak omelet.”
“Okie dokie, anything else to drink with that?”
“Coke.”
“Dr. Pibb.”
“Okaaaay…”
“Dr. Pibb?”
“Everyone either has Dr. Pepper or Mr. Pibb. You can never tell which unless you know whether they serve Coke or Pepsi. Therefore, I play it safe and ask for Dr. Pibb. Apparently it's not a terribly original statement, because everyone understands me, and brings whichever they have.”
“You could always look at the menu.”
“I can never find the actual names of the sodas they serve. It's usually just 'Soda' or 'Soft Drink'. Half the time, I can't even find that much.”
“You of course bring this up after she takes the menus away.”
“You brought it up.”
“You lured me into it.”
“Flattery. I'm not that smart, and if I was, you'd never admit it.”
“You're right, and I'll never have to.”
“I always beat you at Scrabble.”
“I always beat you at chess.”
“Well, I spank your ass at darts.”
“That's not fair, you're left-handed, I'm right-handed.”
“Whatever.”
“I miss the '80's.”
“Bullshit. The '80's sucked.”
“You didn't think so at the time.”
“I couldn't help it, I was a kid. Besides, after the '70's, how could anyone, at the time, think of the '80's as anything but awesome?”
“You even hold onto the colloquialisms of the decade.”
“Dialectic influence. It's like growing up with an accent, you never entirely shake it. And you’re distracting me from my point.”
“That's my job.”
“What was my point?”
“Shoo.”
“Eh?”
“Job complete, among other meanings.”
“That's a new one.”
“Just picked it up.”
“Ever notice that the more you hang out with certain people, the more of their colloquialisms and mannerisms you pick up?”
“I have noticed.”
“But never from people you don't particularly like, at least that I've noticed. Do you think that it's a matter of emulating people you respect, or possibly picking up bits of their speech and such in order to create communicative shorthand? Subconsciously, of course.”
“You don't spend as much time with people you don't like, and when you do have to, you don't pay attention to anything they do except that which annoys you.”
“True, so it could be dialectic influence then as well.”
“My point precisely.”
“Do you think it is, then?”
“Not really. I'm more of the opinion that it's primarily a combination of the first two, with only minor and relatively inconsequential modifications from the third.”
“Why'd you bring it up then?”
“Merely an option that merits consideration, that's all.”
“Here you go, one steak omelet… and one Colorado omelet.”
“Thanks.”
“Enjoy.”
“We intend to.”
“Hey Mable.”
“Yeah, Earl?”
“What's up with that guy over there with the two coffees and the two omelets?”
“I dunno. He's been talking to himself the whole time. Almost like he thinks someone else is there. But he's drinkin' both of the coffees, one with cream, one without.”
“Yeah, an' he's eatin' both omelets too.”
“I tell ya Earl, it's creepy.”
“Shit, Mable. So long as the one I can see is the one pickin' up the check, I don't give a damn.”
PG-13 language to follow.
A dialog over coffee
“Coffee.”
“Make it two.”
“Do you know what you want to eat yet?”
“Not a clue.”
“Can't make a decision of such import without copious quantities of caffeine. This may take some time.”
“OK, be right back.”
“Shitty place.”
“Good coffee, though.”
“Doubt it.”
“Granted, to you, if a single serving of coffee doesn't contain at least OD levels of caffeine, you equate it to water.”
“Brewed coffee merely introduces nearly boiling water to coarsely -ground coffee beans, on its way to a storage receptacle. Espresso forces very high temperature water through finely ground coffee powder in such a volatile, energetic fashion, that what you have at the end is the nearest one can approach to the pure essence of coffee, to be consumed immediately, by one person. Do you realize that I use as much coffee for two cups as they use for twenty? Besides, the LD50 of caffeine is 40 times higher than the OD level.”
“You take coffee too seriously.”
“It's my one vice.”
“What's that then?”
“Besides cigarettes.”
“When was the last day you didn't get drunk?”
“Alcohol, cigarettes, coffee… That's my one vice.”
“I counted three.”
“They go together. Get drunk, smoke cigarettes during. It's requisite. All smokers smoke when they drink, most drinkers are also smokers. All the truly proficient ones are. Stay up all night drinking and smoking, drink coffee the next morning, or later the same morning, if you prefer, to recover. Smoke during. Also requisite. Any doctor who puts a smoker on a plan to make him a non-smoker tells him to avoid alcohol and caffeine for two weeks prior to quitting, and for at least one month following his last cigarette. I won't give up caffeine, I'd rather not give up alcohol, it's cheaper than therapy, therefore, I can’t give up smoking. One vice.”
“By that logic, life is a vice.”
“Then you won’t be surprised if I agree with that statement.”
“If life is a vice, then is death a virtue?”
“Death is part of the cycle of life, and therefore inseparable from it. Therefore, death is also a vice.”
“Which grips more tightly?”
“Depends on your point of view, religiously speaking. Which lasts longer?”
“To a Christian, depends on where you go afterwards. If to Heaven, Life is eternal, if to Hell, Death.”
“To an atheist Death is eternal as well.”
“To a Buddhist death is a gateway to the next incarnation.”
“Then life.”
“Until Nirvana.”
“Wouldn't that be life eternal as well?”
“It would be nothing.”
“You can't be nothing.”
“No paraphrasing Stoppard.”
“Here you go, two coffees.”
“Do you have sugar in pouring jars, or just these packets?”
“Just the packs.”
“We'll need more packs.”
“Okie-dokie. Y'all know what you want to eat yet?”
“Not just yet.”
“Once again…”
“Not enough caffeine.”
“Right.”
“Sounds like a case of the Mondays =) “
“It's Wednesday.”
“I'll be back in a little bit.”
“We'll endeavor to be prepared for your return.”
“That wasn't nice.”
“I'm rarely nice, and never before coffee. Especially to perky people.”
“She's paid to be perky.”
“Feh. I hate that word.”
“Feh?”
“Y'all.”
“It's in Webster’s now.”
“It should be excised. It's a contraction of a grammatically inefficient, if not incorrect, phrase. 'You' can be, by context, plural. 'You all', is unnecessary and cumbersome. Also, inaccurate when addressing a group numbering less than three. Or, Joe Pesci forbid, one person. I would actually prefer 'you guys', or even 'yous' to 'you all', or even worse, 'y’all'.”
“'Ain't' is in Webster's as well.”
“You're provoking me now, aren't you?”
“Always.”
“Alright then, just what in the hell does 'ain't' mean, anyway? Obviously it's a contraction of some sort, but of what? Judging from the context in which the word is most frequently used, the most likely meaning is 'is not'. That makes no sense. 'Ai' sounds nothing like 'is'. Then again, the 'word', if you will, is just as frequently used in the plural, suggesting a contraction of 'are not' instead.”
“Could be both.”
“Obviously, it's used as such.”
“'A' for 'are', 'I' for 'is'… it could be a construct designed to take the place of two words. Colloquial shorthand, if you will.”
“Mother of Darwin… It makes so much sense, it couldn't possibly be true.”
“It feels right, though, doesn't it?”
“I need a drink.”
“More coffee?”
“I was thinking of something stronger.”
“We don't serve alcohol, sir.”
“I suspected.”
“Are you ready to order?”
“May as well, you first.”
“Colorado omelet.”
“Denver omelet… belay that; I don't like the idea of being inside you; make that a steak omelet.”
“Okie dokie, anything else to drink with that?”
“Coke.”
“Dr. Pibb.”
“Okaaaay…”
“Dr. Pibb?”
“Everyone either has Dr. Pepper or Mr. Pibb. You can never tell which unless you know whether they serve Coke or Pepsi. Therefore, I play it safe and ask for Dr. Pibb. Apparently it's not a terribly original statement, because everyone understands me, and brings whichever they have.”
“You could always look at the menu.”
“I can never find the actual names of the sodas they serve. It's usually just 'Soda' or 'Soft Drink'. Half the time, I can't even find that much.”
“You of course bring this up after she takes the menus away.”
“You brought it up.”
“You lured me into it.”
“Flattery. I'm not that smart, and if I was, you'd never admit it.”
“You're right, and I'll never have to.”
“I always beat you at Scrabble.”
“I always beat you at chess.”
“Well, I spank your ass at darts.”
“That's not fair, you're left-handed, I'm right-handed.”
“Whatever.”
“I miss the '80's.”
“Bullshit. The '80's sucked.”
“You didn't think so at the time.”
“I couldn't help it, I was a kid. Besides, after the '70's, how could anyone, at the time, think of the '80's as anything but awesome?”
“You even hold onto the colloquialisms of the decade.”
“Dialectic influence. It's like growing up with an accent, you never entirely shake it. And you’re distracting me from my point.”
“That's my job.”
“What was my point?”
“Shoo.”
“Eh?”
“Job complete, among other meanings.”
“That's a new one.”
“Just picked it up.”
“Ever notice that the more you hang out with certain people, the more of their colloquialisms and mannerisms you pick up?”
“I have noticed.”
“But never from people you don't particularly like, at least that I've noticed. Do you think that it's a matter of emulating people you respect, or possibly picking up bits of their speech and such in order to create communicative shorthand? Subconsciously, of course.”
“You don't spend as much time with people you don't like, and when you do have to, you don't pay attention to anything they do except that which annoys you.”
“True, so it could be dialectic influence then as well.”
“My point precisely.”
“Do you think it is, then?”
“Not really. I'm more of the opinion that it's primarily a combination of the first two, with only minor and relatively inconsequential modifications from the third.”
“Why'd you bring it up then?”
“Merely an option that merits consideration, that's all.”
“Here you go, one steak omelet… and one Colorado omelet.”
“Thanks.”
“Enjoy.”
“We intend to.”
“Hey Mable.”
“Yeah, Earl?”
“What's up with that guy over there with the two coffees and the two omelets?”
“I dunno. He's been talking to himself the whole time. Almost like he thinks someone else is there. But he's drinkin' both of the coffees, one with cream, one without.”
“Yeah, an' he's eatin' both omelets too.”
“I tell ya Earl, it's creepy.”
“Shit, Mable. So long as the one I can see is the one pickin' up the check, I don't give a damn.”