Equal parts horrifying and ridiculously amazing.
So last night I was lying on my bed fiddling around on my laptop. Stevie and Mike were hanging out on the couch down here. Mike volunteers to help Steven with his homework. Mike and Steven have a stronger bond in this house than almost anyone else has. Besides me and Mike, of course. So I'm dinking around and half-way listening to the conversation.
Mike: Ok, you're all done. Great job, Steven. Now you just have to have your mom sign this right here because it says that you have to have a parent sign it.
Steven: I don't want my mom to sign it. I want YOU to sign it. I want you to be my Dad, Mike.
This is the point where I completely freeze what I'm doing and sit there, paralytic, in both horror and elation.
Mike looks at me.
I look at him.
He gives Steven a hug and says
"Okay."
There's about a million thoughts running through my mind at that point. I've never been one of those people who date guys that aren't my kids' fathers and say "Okay, guys! You can start calling him 'Dad' now. It's been a few months, he's not going anywhere."
NO, no, no, no. That's not me at all. I will ask my kids if they like someone, just to get their perspective on the situation. I've never volunteered that they can start calling someone Dad if they feel like it. If anything, I usually completely avoid the situation.
Stevie goes on to say "So, you're my Dad now, Mike. Wanna play some Battleship, Dad?"
I am three hairs away from an anxiety attack. I can feel my scalp tingling and my face growing tight, which are the precursors to such an event. I realize then that I've never heard Steven call anyone Dad before. No one, not even his real father which, apropros, doesn't deserve to be called Dad ever. I've kept Steven away from him for good reasons. The guy was a complete bastard. Not only to me, but to everyone. And as much as I know that children need a father figure, I weighed it out and concluded that he would be better off with no father figure than to have the his biological dad be his. So Steven has seen him maaaaaaaybe three times ever, when he was a baby and too small to remember. And now this.
I dated Sandy for almost 3 years and he never called him that. Austin did, but only every now and then. 3 years, and I've only been dating Mike for 11 months and he's decided. It's almost funny, too. Steven is so calculating and smart about his decisions, even for a 5 year old, he's always been responsible and wise beyond his years. (Capricorn Moon, just like momma.) Is it weird that I feel confident in his decision making? I trust his decisions, I trust that he's thought about them enough to find the best answer for himself. And by the way, Steven has pretty much hated everyone I've ever dated. I think he's gotta a little bit of Oedipus in him somewhere. He's really protective of me, which I think is adorable and I appreciate to no end. He hated Colby. Everyday he would tell him to go home, that he didn't want him in his house. Lol. Between Steven and Violette, I've got my own little committee of personality judges. They've never done me wrong. If they don't like someone than it's almost guaranteed that they're not a good person. Everytime. So the fact that both of them like Mike is nothing short of a miracle. But what's not to like? Seriously, he's a better father figure than any of the kids' biologicals. He reads them books, helps them with homework, teaches them things, plays games with them. The dude is amazing with my kids. And none of it is prompted from me. He just does these things on his own merit. It's beautiful to watch. Truly, it is.
Mike comes over to me where I'm still lying on my bed, shellshocked. He kisses me and says "I'm scared." I say "Me, too. But it's going to be okay." And I kiss him again and hug him. He smiles at me and blushes and then goes back over to Steven to start setting up Battleship. And that's when I realize...I have nothing to bitch and complain about. What little gripes I have our completely outnumbered by the blessings that the universe has bestowed upon me. I've never felt happier. My family is whole. I've got the love of my life and my kids, and that's all I really need sometimes. Sure, the money situation isn't the best, but it could also be a lot worse. I have a good life. And it's times like these that remind me that instead of bitching about all the small trivial things, I need to realize just how much I have to be grateful for.
Steven: So now you're my Dad. And you're Nicky's Dad, too. And Violette's, AND Austin's. Are you ready to play battleship, Dad?
Mike: Sure am.
Me: Crying like a baby.
Mike: Ok, you're all done. Great job, Steven. Now you just have to have your mom sign this right here because it says that you have to have a parent sign it.
Steven: I don't want my mom to sign it. I want YOU to sign it. I want you to be my Dad, Mike.
This is the point where I completely freeze what I'm doing and sit there, paralytic, in both horror and elation.
Mike looks at me.
I look at him.
He gives Steven a hug and says
"Okay."
There's about a million thoughts running through my mind at that point. I've never been one of those people who date guys that aren't my kids' fathers and say "Okay, guys! You can start calling him 'Dad' now. It's been a few months, he's not going anywhere."
NO, no, no, no. That's not me at all. I will ask my kids if they like someone, just to get their perspective on the situation. I've never volunteered that they can start calling someone Dad if they feel like it. If anything, I usually completely avoid the situation.
Stevie goes on to say "So, you're my Dad now, Mike. Wanna play some Battleship, Dad?"
I am three hairs away from an anxiety attack. I can feel my scalp tingling and my face growing tight, which are the precursors to such an event. I realize then that I've never heard Steven call anyone Dad before. No one, not even his real father which, apropros, doesn't deserve to be called Dad ever. I've kept Steven away from him for good reasons. The guy was a complete bastard. Not only to me, but to everyone. And as much as I know that children need a father figure, I weighed it out and concluded that he would be better off with no father figure than to have the his biological dad be his. So Steven has seen him maaaaaaaybe three times ever, when he was a baby and too small to remember. And now this.
I dated Sandy for almost 3 years and he never called him that. Austin did, but only every now and then. 3 years, and I've only been dating Mike for 11 months and he's decided. It's almost funny, too. Steven is so calculating and smart about his decisions, even for a 5 year old, he's always been responsible and wise beyond his years. (Capricorn Moon, just like momma.) Is it weird that I feel confident in his decision making? I trust his decisions, I trust that he's thought about them enough to find the best answer for himself. And by the way, Steven has pretty much hated everyone I've ever dated. I think he's gotta a little bit of Oedipus in him somewhere. He's really protective of me, which I think is adorable and I appreciate to no end. He hated Colby. Everyday he would tell him to go home, that he didn't want him in his house. Lol. Between Steven and Violette, I've got my own little committee of personality judges. They've never done me wrong. If they don't like someone than it's almost guaranteed that they're not a good person. Everytime. So the fact that both of them like Mike is nothing short of a miracle. But what's not to like? Seriously, he's a better father figure than any of the kids' biologicals. He reads them books, helps them with homework, teaches them things, plays games with them. The dude is amazing with my kids. And none of it is prompted from me. He just does these things on his own merit. It's beautiful to watch. Truly, it is.
Mike comes over to me where I'm still lying on my bed, shellshocked. He kisses me and says "I'm scared." I say "Me, too. But it's going to be okay." And I kiss him again and hug him. He smiles at me and blushes and then goes back over to Steven to start setting up Battleship. And that's when I realize...I have nothing to bitch and complain about. What little gripes I have our completely outnumbered by the blessings that the universe has bestowed upon me. I've never felt happier. My family is whole. I've got the love of my life and my kids, and that's all I really need sometimes. Sure, the money situation isn't the best, but it could also be a lot worse. I have a good life. And it's times like these that remind me that instead of bitching about all the small trivial things, I need to realize just how much I have to be grateful for.
Steven: So now you're my Dad. And you're Nicky's Dad, too. And Violette's, AND Austin's. Are you ready to play battleship, Dad?
Mike: Sure am.
Me: Crying like a baby.