The State of the Tina.
Whew!
I cannot believe I actually made it through this week in... (*quickly double-checks*) one piece.
I mean, I had to have so many unpleasant conversations this week that I lost track. But you know what? I also got to have so many wonderfully supportive and uplifting conversations with my friends and family that it more than made up for those horridly unpleasant ones. Lord, I have got the most amazing network of people in my life. It makes me more thankful than words can say. But here's an attempt anyway:
THANK YOU, ONE AND ALL!
So things are really moving along here. I put in my offical application for the job in Baltimore (which, for those of you who don't know, is at CTY, natch). I've now let both my major professor and my department head know that there is a very good chance I will be leaving soon and found out what I need to do to go on an official leave of absence and put my fellowship on hold for a year. I've been investigating apartments and such in Baltimore, and have a meeting next week with my leasing office here to find out what the penalty will be for breaking my lease four months early (let's hope it's not too ridiculous). I took on a second job tutoring at the local community college (math, if you can believe it) to help save up a bit of money for the move and just in case it takes a little while for the CTY job to get started. I've also started breaking the news to some other folks like my sister, my guru (Ella), and other friends back home.
So I guess this is really happening. Had appointments with both my counselor and a lady she recommended I meet with at the career center on campus, and they both seem to truly think that this is a completely normal and healthy thing to do, which helps. Ella also said as much to me, along with reassuring me that almsot every academic has had the kinds of doubts I'm having right now and managed to survive it. Plus she reminded me, as she's said very many times before, that there is more than one path to a Ph.D., and if I choose not to pursue it in this way (which on paper seems like the easiest and fastest one), that doesn't for a minute mean that I won't get there someday.
Two interesting points to ponder, courtesy the same ladies I mentioned in the above paragraph:
* Do you know how many American women have been accepted into a Ph.D. program? 0.4% That's less than one half of one percent. Makes me feel like I've already accomplished something just by being here, you know?
* Also, the career counselor told me that whenever she gets a student who wants to leave school for one reason or another, it's only the kids from a blue-collar background who have fears of not returning. She said the white-collar kids never seem to doubt that they will come back and finish their degree. Food for thought, no? At least I already have the experience behind me of dropping out (well, flunking out, really) of school and then going back and eventually finishing, albeit it at a different college.
Well, I am gonna put my feet up tonight and treat myself to pizza and a fun movie. Tomorrow I'll be opening at the coffeehouse, and then I'll be heading down to Louisville for razzle's birthday fondue extravaganza (yum!). Which reminds me, better check the weather to see how prepared I'll need to be (in other words, can I leave the ice scraper at home?).
Still feeling lots of mixed emotions, and an overall feeling of sadness at the thought of leaving this place and these people that have really started to grow on me. But I'll sally forth anyhow. I'm short, but I'm scrappy, after all. :)
Less than three weeks till I come home for the holidays!!
I cannot believe I actually made it through this week in... (*quickly double-checks*) one piece.
I mean, I had to have so many unpleasant conversations this week that I lost track. But you know what? I also got to have so many wonderfully supportive and uplifting conversations with my friends and family that it more than made up for those horridly unpleasant ones. Lord, I have got the most amazing network of people in my life. It makes me more thankful than words can say. But here's an attempt anyway:
THANK YOU, ONE AND ALL!
So things are really moving along here. I put in my offical application for the job in Baltimore (which, for those of you who don't know, is at CTY, natch). I've now let both my major professor and my department head know that there is a very good chance I will be leaving soon and found out what I need to do to go on an official leave of absence and put my fellowship on hold for a year. I've been investigating apartments and such in Baltimore, and have a meeting next week with my leasing office here to find out what the penalty will be for breaking my lease four months early (let's hope it's not too ridiculous). I took on a second job tutoring at the local community college (math, if you can believe it) to help save up a bit of money for the move and just in case it takes a little while for the CTY job to get started. I've also started breaking the news to some other folks like my sister, my guru (Ella), and other friends back home.
So I guess this is really happening. Had appointments with both my counselor and a lady she recommended I meet with at the career center on campus, and they both seem to truly think that this is a completely normal and healthy thing to do, which helps. Ella also said as much to me, along with reassuring me that almsot every academic has had the kinds of doubts I'm having right now and managed to survive it. Plus she reminded me, as she's said very many times before, that there is more than one path to a Ph.D., and if I choose not to pursue it in this way (which on paper seems like the easiest and fastest one), that doesn't for a minute mean that I won't get there someday.
Two interesting points to ponder, courtesy the same ladies I mentioned in the above paragraph:
* Do you know how many American women have been accepted into a Ph.D. program? 0.4% That's less than one half of one percent. Makes me feel like I've already accomplished something just by being here, you know?
* Also, the career counselor told me that whenever she gets a student who wants to leave school for one reason or another, it's only the kids from a blue-collar background who have fears of not returning. She said the white-collar kids never seem to doubt that they will come back and finish their degree. Food for thought, no? At least I already have the experience behind me of dropping out (well, flunking out, really) of school and then going back and eventually finishing, albeit it at a different college.
Well, I am gonna put my feet up tonight and treat myself to pizza and a fun movie. Tomorrow I'll be opening at the coffeehouse, and then I'll be heading down to Louisville for razzle's birthday fondue extravaganza (yum!). Which reminds me, better check the weather to see how prepared I'll need to be (in other words, can I leave the ice scraper at home?).
Still feeling lots of mixed emotions, and an overall feeling of sadness at the thought of leaving this place and these people that have really started to grow on me. But I'll sally forth anyhow. I'm short, but I'm scrappy, after all. :)
Less than three weeks till I come home for the holidays!!