(no subject)
So I lost my shit to the new pro-lifer Charlie at the clinic this morning.
One of the main bits of value that roller derby has force-fed me into learning is confrontation. And I don't mean combatative, antagonistic, snarky, pointless or indiscriminate confrontation. I mean that pure precious jewel of being able to confront someone frankly about any particular load of bullshit that they're slinging at you.
LOBs (loads of bullshit) can take many forms. It can include someone having willingly taken on a hefty bundle of significant tasks for which they've agreed to take responsibility then going AWOL and leaving all the tasks to just hang undone. It can be some pro-lifer shouting at patients coming in the clinic or other types of nonsense tactics they use to harass patients.
As Midwesterners (I know lots of you here in LJ didn't get saddled with Midwesterndom - lucky lucky you), we're at a congenital disadvantage for effectively and healthily dealing with LOBs, as well as the people throwing them. We're too polite, too passive, too restrained. We fantasize about how we could just "tell that son of the bitch what a low-life manipulating bastard he is!" or that we're THIS CLOSE to letting so-and-so know that "that's it! You've dropped the ball repeated on this for the last time and you're done".
And so we stew. And commiserate with anyone or everyone who ISN'T the LOB-thrower about how terrible it all is. And we decry the LOBs that keep getting thrown, and gnash our teeth (really - what the fuck IS "gnashing" one's teeth anyway???) that no one steps up to do anything about it, and "how do they keep getting away with it?!"
Sometimes we come THIS close to just opening our mouths and saying something already, but then we don't - because that would Change Everything. It would be Rude and Impolite, and it would make things Awkward, and someone might end up feeling Sad and Mad.
Heh - this morning at the clinic was evidence of tin lizzy having progressed admirably in throwing her midwesternism under the bus for good. And really - I have roller derby (primarily serving on the board of governors, aka "the BOG") to thank for it. And actually at root I have Ang to thank for it - she was the initial catalyst for helping me to find my spine and start confronting things already. And then there's shwiggitude who's also hugely contributed to my continued growth in the area of confrontation - oh yes, yes you have ;).
But seriously my experience with rollerderby and on the BOG has been so chock full of a constant and never-ceasing stream of LOBs getting thrown at me that my only means for sanity and for ever getting anything done or resolved has been to confront LOBs and LOB throwers. Yes, sometimes I'm still a little slow and/or dripping in diplomacy in doing so, but it's really really helped shove me over the edge in losing my last shreds of fear at confronting people and their LOBs.
Could be a MasterCard commercial for derby girls:
Monthly roller derby dues: $35
Time spent each week on both legit BOG business as well as drama and issues generated by 80 roller girls: 30+
Learning the skill of fearlessly calling people out on their shit: priceless
Oh but wait, I digress, this wasn't supposed to be about roller derby. This was supposed to be about how I lost my shit to Charlie the prolifer outside the women's clinic this morning.
If you've read past posts about my escorting at the clinic, you've heard about Ann. Ann has been replaced by [Crazy] Charlie. Charlie is much less combative, cut-throat, abrasive, screechy, or psychologically manipulative than Ann is. He's much more mild-mannered and humble, but he's irritating and grating in some different ways.
Anyway - one thing he does is shout (loud enough for people clear down the block to hear him) after patients once they've they enter the building, ostensibly with the intent that his Very Important Information about alternatives to abortion might carry through the set of double-doors separating his charges from him.
So this morning after a patient and her friend went into the building, and after Charlie was satisfied with the amount of shouting he did after them, he walked over to the giant wall-windows (the foyer windows of which we're able to keep blinds closed on) of an office in the building thru which he could see the patients waiting for the elevator. He then stood looking dolefully in through the windows, pleading with looks and gestures for the patients to "Please please just come out and let us tell you why you having this baby will be the best decision you've ever made in your life".
It was the pleading through the windows that made me snap. I don't ever interact with the prolifers at the clinic. I don't engage them, I don't talk to them, I don't give them dirty looks or say mean things about them to patients, I don't make small talk, I don't politely smile at them. I simply ignore them, except for what I need to do to stay between them and the patients when walking patients into the clinic.
So completely against character, I lost my shit to Charlie. "Stop DOING that! What's wrong with you - just leave them alone! They don't want to talk to you, they're already feeling nervious and uncomfortable, and they're already in the building already! Just leave them alone!" Charlie just gawped at me, taken aback that I said anything, let alone that I was telling him off, then started to say something along the lines of "But I just want them to know-", before I cut him off and let out a whole slew of how horrible/mean/awful/disrespectful he was for being so threatening and harassing and that what in world makes him think that God is particularly impressed with him saying such guilt-inducing and un-proveable or flat-out untrue things (eg. "No relationship survives abortion!", "No woman has ever regretted KEEPING here baby!").
There was a whole long bunch of things that I just kept barraging at him, undammed at last with all the irritation and frustration that's built up over escorting there the last couple years, particularly having chosen to just maintain radio silence no matter the examples of awful or harasssing behavior. And then he would try to respond with "but I mean to be supportive not threatening" or "i'm only shouting because they can't hear me once inside" and I just kept hitting him with my disputations of how he and other prolifers who harass patients come across regardless of his so-called intention, and asking him how he couldn't conceive that a whole bus full of protesters lining the sidewalk (as happens on saturday mornings) is horribly threatening and intimidating for patients to have to walk through/past.
It turned into a half hour or 45 min interaction that felt both validating and positive, in a way it couldn't have been with Ann. Charlie, for all his crazy wierdness, actually has some humility and agreed when I bored thru some bit or faulty logic he was trying to throw up in his defense of some action. And he wasn't argumentative, just very humble and reflective, and respectful to not pursue areas of discussion that I cut off and refused to engage in (eg. the status of the fetus as living or not).
So all in all it was good for me - I needed to vent some piss and vinegar at him/them, in a way that was heard and acknowedlged by them, and cut through their I-have-an-answer-for-everything BS. I wasn't looking to win some argument with him either, and told him explicitly that I have neither any stake in changing anyone's mind on the fetus-vs-baby debate, nor forcing anyone to come into the clinic for an abortion who doesn't willingly choose to be there. I simply needed to vent my own passion at feeling protective of the women who come into the clinic and my reasons for being there, and my own perception that the prolifers methods, regardless of intention, come across as manipulative, guilt-inducing, threatening, disrespectful and plain mean.
So woo. And hurray for confrontation and getting things off yer chest :)
One of the main bits of value that roller derby has force-fed me into learning is confrontation. And I don't mean combatative, antagonistic, snarky, pointless or indiscriminate confrontation. I mean that pure precious jewel of being able to confront someone frankly about any particular load of bullshit that they're slinging at you.
LOBs (loads of bullshit) can take many forms. It can include someone having willingly taken on a hefty bundle of significant tasks for which they've agreed to take responsibility then going AWOL and leaving all the tasks to just hang undone. It can be some pro-lifer shouting at patients coming in the clinic or other types of nonsense tactics they use to harass patients.
As Midwesterners (I know lots of you here in LJ didn't get saddled with Midwesterndom - lucky lucky you), we're at a congenital disadvantage for effectively and healthily dealing with LOBs, as well as the people throwing them. We're too polite, too passive, too restrained. We fantasize about how we could just "tell that son of the bitch what a low-life manipulating bastard he is!" or that we're THIS CLOSE to letting so-and-so know that "that's it! You've dropped the ball repeated on this for the last time and you're done".
And so we stew. And commiserate with anyone or everyone who ISN'T the LOB-thrower about how terrible it all is. And we decry the LOBs that keep getting thrown, and gnash our teeth (really - what the fuck IS "gnashing" one's teeth anyway???) that no one steps up to do anything about it, and "how do they keep getting away with it?!"
Sometimes we come THIS close to just opening our mouths and saying something already, but then we don't - because that would Change Everything. It would be Rude and Impolite, and it would make things Awkward, and someone might end up feeling Sad and Mad.
Heh - this morning at the clinic was evidence of tin lizzy having progressed admirably in throwing her midwesternism under the bus for good. And really - I have roller derby (primarily serving on the board of governors, aka "the BOG") to thank for it. And actually at root I have Ang to thank for it - she was the initial catalyst for helping me to find my spine and start confronting things already. And then there's shwiggitude who's also hugely contributed to my continued growth in the area of confrontation - oh yes, yes you have ;).
But seriously my experience with rollerderby and on the BOG has been so chock full of a constant and never-ceasing stream of LOBs getting thrown at me that my only means for sanity and for ever getting anything done or resolved has been to confront LOBs and LOB throwers. Yes, sometimes I'm still a little slow and/or dripping in diplomacy in doing so, but it's really really helped shove me over the edge in losing my last shreds of fear at confronting people and their LOBs.
Could be a MasterCard commercial for derby girls:
Monthly roller derby dues: $35
Time spent each week on both legit BOG business as well as drama and issues generated by 80 roller girls: 30+
Learning the skill of fearlessly calling people out on their shit: priceless
Oh but wait, I digress, this wasn't supposed to be about roller derby. This was supposed to be about how I lost my shit to Charlie the prolifer outside the women's clinic this morning.
If you've read past posts about my escorting at the clinic, you've heard about Ann. Ann has been replaced by [Crazy] Charlie. Charlie is much less combative, cut-throat, abrasive, screechy, or psychologically manipulative than Ann is. He's much more mild-mannered and humble, but he's irritating and grating in some different ways.
Anyway - one thing he does is shout (loud enough for people clear down the block to hear him) after patients once they've they enter the building, ostensibly with the intent that his Very Important Information about alternatives to abortion might carry through the set of double-doors separating his charges from him.
So this morning after a patient and her friend went into the building, and after Charlie was satisfied with the amount of shouting he did after them, he walked over to the giant wall-windows (the foyer windows of which we're able to keep blinds closed on) of an office in the building thru which he could see the patients waiting for the elevator. He then stood looking dolefully in through the windows, pleading with looks and gestures for the patients to "Please please just come out and let us tell you why you having this baby will be the best decision you've ever made in your life".
It was the pleading through the windows that made me snap. I don't ever interact with the prolifers at the clinic. I don't engage them, I don't talk to them, I don't give them dirty looks or say mean things about them to patients, I don't make small talk, I don't politely smile at them. I simply ignore them, except for what I need to do to stay between them and the patients when walking patients into the clinic.
So completely against character, I lost my shit to Charlie. "Stop DOING that! What's wrong with you - just leave them alone! They don't want to talk to you, they're already feeling nervious and uncomfortable, and they're already in the building already! Just leave them alone!" Charlie just gawped at me, taken aback that I said anything, let alone that I was telling him off, then started to say something along the lines of "But I just want them to know-", before I cut him off and let out a whole slew of how horrible/mean/awful/disrespectful he was for being so threatening and harassing and that what in world makes him think that God is particularly impressed with him saying such guilt-inducing and un-proveable or flat-out untrue things (eg. "No relationship survives abortion!", "No woman has ever regretted KEEPING here baby!").
There was a whole long bunch of things that I just kept barraging at him, undammed at last with all the irritation and frustration that's built up over escorting there the last couple years, particularly having chosen to just maintain radio silence no matter the examples of awful or harasssing behavior. And then he would try to respond with "but I mean to be supportive not threatening" or "i'm only shouting because they can't hear me once inside" and I just kept hitting him with my disputations of how he and other prolifers who harass patients come across regardless of his so-called intention, and asking him how he couldn't conceive that a whole bus full of protesters lining the sidewalk (as happens on saturday mornings) is horribly threatening and intimidating for patients to have to walk through/past.
It turned into a half hour or 45 min interaction that felt both validating and positive, in a way it couldn't have been with Ann. Charlie, for all his crazy wierdness, actually has some humility and agreed when I bored thru some bit or faulty logic he was trying to throw up in his defense of some action. And he wasn't argumentative, just very humble and reflective, and respectful to not pursue areas of discussion that I cut off and refused to engage in (eg. the status of the fetus as living or not).
So all in all it was good for me - I needed to vent some piss and vinegar at him/them, in a way that was heard and acknowedlged by them, and cut through their I-have-an-answer-for-everything BS. I wasn't looking to win some argument with him either, and told him explicitly that I have neither any stake in changing anyone's mind on the fetus-vs-baby debate, nor forcing anyone to come into the clinic for an abortion who doesn't willingly choose to be there. I simply needed to vent my own passion at feeling protective of the women who come into the clinic and my reasons for being there, and my own perception that the prolifers methods, regardless of intention, come across as manipulative, guilt-inducing, threatening, disrespectful and plain mean.
So woo. And hurray for confrontation and getting things off yer chest :)