feeling like a failure
I haven't posted in a couple of days and that is because I've slipped and have been too ashamed to actually own up to it. I had this feeling that if I didn't write it down than it hadn't really happened and i could pretend everything was okay. Then I realized that this is exactly the thing that gets me into trouble and helps me jump full force into my ed. It started a couple days ago. I haven't been feeling to well lately, my stomach is a mess, bloated,achey, you know the deal. I've been having a hard time thinking about anything else. No matter how much I eat I feel completely full and disgustingly fat. Well, it's the same feeling I get when I've binged and I need to purge, except this time there was no binge and I still had that feeling. It was bothering me for days until I got to the point where I couln't control this urge to just want to binge and purge just to finally get rid of
the feeling.I knew it was something that I shouldn't do and I didn't really want to but I couln't get rid of that nagging feeling. I manged to force myself to not act on this all day. I even ended up in my bathroom crying my eyes out in the middle of the night because I just couln't stand it anymore. I was able to finally get myself to sleep and I hoped that would be the end of it, but when I woke up in the morning the urge to binge and purge was still there as strong as it was the day before. I'm ashamed to admit that I gave into the urge, not just once but twice that day. This hasn't happened to me in so long. I've had a slip up here or there but never twice in the same day or even in the same week for that matter. I felt like such a loser. The worst part of it is that it didn't even make the feeling of being bloated and stuffed go away, it is still there. I've been so depressed about this and am not sure right now what is going to happen next. I keep telling myself to move past this for there is nothing I can do about what has already been done. I'm having a hard time actually listening to my own advice at this time though. I feel as if I want to crawl in a hole and not come out until I'm sure I can get control again and there won't be any more slip-ups. Why is this happening now after all this time of working on recovery and being sure that I was making great strides in finally becoming well? It has shot my confidence to hell and I'm afraid that being well is something that I may never actually reach. The depression that has set in after the episode doesn't seem to be getting any better either and I know if I don't pull myself out of it it'll be that much harder for me to put an end to my whole ed way of thinking. I seriously don't know what is going to happen next. A week ago I would have said that it was just a little set back and I would have been able to switch things around and get back on the path of the straight and narrow but today I don't know if I'm feeling strong enough to do this. I hope the next time I post on here I'll be in a better frame of mind and have been able to find a little piece of hope again.
the feeling.I knew it was something that I shouldn't do and I didn't really want to but I couln't get rid of that nagging feeling. I manged to force myself to not act on this all day. I even ended up in my bathroom crying my eyes out in the middle of the night because I just couln't stand it anymore. I was able to finally get myself to sleep and I hoped that would be the end of it, but when I woke up in the morning the urge to binge and purge was still there as strong as it was the day before. I'm ashamed to admit that I gave into the urge, not just once but twice that day. This hasn't happened to me in so long. I've had a slip up here or there but never twice in the same day or even in the same week for that matter. I felt like such a loser. The worst part of it is that it didn't even make the feeling of being bloated and stuffed go away, it is still there. I've been so depressed about this and am not sure right now what is going to happen next. I keep telling myself to move past this for there is nothing I can do about what has already been done. I'm having a hard time actually listening to my own advice at this time though. I feel as if I want to crawl in a hole and not come out until I'm sure I can get control again and there won't be any more slip-ups. Why is this happening now after all this time of working on recovery and being sure that I was making great strides in finally becoming well? It has shot my confidence to hell and I'm afraid that being well is something that I may never actually reach. The depression that has set in after the episode doesn't seem to be getting any better either and I know if I don't pull myself out of it it'll be that much harder for me to put an end to my whole ed way of thinking. I seriously don't know what is going to happen next. A week ago I would have said that it was just a little set back and I would have been able to switch things around and get back on the path of the straight and narrow but today I don't know if I'm feeling strong enough to do this. I hope the next time I post on here I'll be in a better frame of mind and have been able to find a little piece of hope again.