This past weekend saw the debut of the new House of Wax
film, much to this weekend's chagrin. The film starred Elisha
Cuthbert, some dude and Paris Hilton, and apparently was supposed to be
a remake of the 1953 horror classic of the same name. The reviews
of the film have been, to put it lightly, pretty goddamn
horrible. Currently, the film has a 24% approval rating at
rottentomatoes.com,
which is pretty abysmal as far as I'm concerned. Supposedly, the
film consisted of Paris Hilton trying to act sexy with one half closed
eye and Elisha Cuthbert looking hot while not even trying, and then the
villain is some waxy sonofabitch whose name is Vincent, which is the
only nod to the original film that doesn't take a dump on its
face. While this film is pretty much a bomb in every sense of the
word, but there's been rumors... ON THE INTERNETS... about an original
script that didn't suck so much. Well, strangely enough, I was
able to get my hands on this script, and boy, I'd say it's about, I
dunno, a MILLION
times better than the filmed version. I have no idea why they
didn't stick with this version, because as you'll see it is really
good, but hey, that's what happens when idiots start making
movies. I will bore you no longer with my intro, here is the
synopsis of the oh gee version of House of Wax: 2005!!
The Players
Elisha Cuthbert
Paris Hilton
Some Dude
First Act
The movie opens with three friends (Paris Hilton, Elisha Cuthbert and
some dude) driving around in a truck, listening to the new Limp Bizkit
CD and discussing Fred Durst's impact on popular culture. All of a
sudden, the radio on their truck commits suicide and explodes,
disabling the vehicle. This forces the three friends to camp out
on the side of the road, where their back stories are revealed by
incredible character development. Paris Hilton is a stoic goat
farmer, whose lands and ways of life were destroyed by the Union Army
under the command of President Andrew Jackson. Elisha Cuthbert is
a ninja assassin, meaning she is responsible for assassinating ninjas,
making her the most badass person on the planet. The dude is
revealed to have no history, since he is just some dude I could care
less about. Suddenly, an unruly gang of raccoons begins sniffing
around their makeshift camp; Paris demands they leave since raccoons
are a goat farmer's nature enemy and they flee into the wood.
They run for the next 37 minutes of the film, stopping only to reveal
more of their awesome character traits (Paris can order command goats
to do her bidding, and Elisha Cuthbert can fly). Finally, they
find a large foreboding house in the woods, which the dude suggests
they stay in, which successfully fulfills his duty in the film.
The Antagonist
Act Two
Once they enter the house, there is immediate tension amongst the
group. Paris notes that the house reminds her of when the Union
soldiers came to her farm and burned her goats to the ground.
Elisha asks how, and Paris farts in response. The dude laughs,
then cries because he knows he's going to die first. Suddenly, a
man with a mysteriously waxy face falls from the ceiling, breaking both
of his ankles from the fall. When the trio walks over to him to
see if he is alright, the waxy-faced man springs up and slaps the dude
in the face, showing that his ankles were not broken at all
(SWERVE!). He pulls out a hatchet and says "Fools! My
ankles are unbreakable, like Bruce Willis!" He strikes the dude
between the eyes with the hatchet and says "Hold this for me for a
while, will ya?! Haha, get it, because it's in your face?!"
The dude laughs at the joke, but then stops laughing because he's
dead. Elisha Cuthbert laughs too, but then sees that the
wax-faced man is all business and she prepares for a titanic battle of
titanic purportions. Paris inquires as to what the wax man's
"major malfunction" is, to which he responds "All my life, people have
made fun of me for having a wax face, and now I plan on collecting the
bodies of virgins to feed off their amazing virgin power. This
will then logically lead to world domination on my part!" Elisha
and Paris comment on how the dude was the only virgin of the group,
which the wax-faced man laughs at because being a virgin makes you
considerably less of a person. "No matter, the blood of a goat
farmer is purer than that of any virgins, you will solidly
suffice!" He pulls a samuri sword out of his pant leg, then runs
Paris through in dramatic fashion. In her dying breath, Paris
begs Elisha to say goodbye to her goats for her, but Elisha points out
that all her goats are dead. An audible "fuck" is heard from
Paris's mouth as she passes away.
The Suave
Vincent Price
Act Tres
Elisha starts to think that this wax dude is trouble, so she kicks him
in the nuts. The wax man just laughs and says "My balls are made
of wax and my penis is made of kryptonite! It is truly the
pinnacle of packages!" He laughs but Elisha starts shooting fire
balls out of her hands, smoking the wax man in the face over and over
until she thinks he's dead. Then the script throws in a
completely original twist by having the wax dude fake like he's dead so
Elisha walks over to his body so she can hump it Halo style, but then
snaps back up to life and snaps the Crippler Crossface on poor
Elisha. He violently shakes his head and grins his teeth to sell
the move as Elisha does her best not to look like a wimp and tap.
Elisha is able to inch her way close to the ropes in order to break the
hold, but just as salvation is near, the wax dude rolls her over to the
center of the room, miles away from the precious ropes she
desired. Elisha struggles on, but it looks as if the end is
near. Suddenly, the floor they are laying on explodes, sending
both combatants in different directions. Once the wax man regains
his composure, he looks up to see a completely CGI Vincent Price flying
above him, with his large angel wings silently flapping and eyes
flaring red. The wax dude is like "Dubya tee eff??" and Vincent
Price is like, "It is I, Vincent Price, and I have risen from your
basement to save these three--" (he spots the two dead bodies) "--this
one child from your evil doings. Prepare to be Vincinated!"
The wax dude responds with "Whoa, I have a basement?" Vincent
Price nods, then kicks the wax dude's face off like child's play.
He glides over to the severed head, picks it up and reveals to the
world the identity of the wax man: it was the first dude's older
brother. This part of the film puts every other film to shame due
to the surprise this surely would have caused the audience, and the
next 80 pages of the script are filled with the words "Pause for
effect" over and over, since it's understandable that the audience
would need quite a long time to let this revalation sink in.
After a presumably 56 minute period with no action or dialogue, Elisha
walks over to Vincent Price and thanks him for saving her. He
mumbles something about his angel wings molting, then says he needs to
go back to heaven to pay for his sins. Elisha understands and her
top suddenly falls off, ensuring that this film will gross more than
the new Star Wars movie. Vincent Price then ad libs a long
soliloquy, talking about the dangers of science and premarital
sex. He flies away into the sky, off to right the wrongs that
have been allowed to occur in his absense. Elisha puts her top
back on and collects the bodies of her fallen friends, intending on giving them the traditional Viking funerals they richly deserve. Once she
opens the door of the house, Elisha sees that a massive army of unruly
raccoons stands before her, forcing her to retreat back into the
house. Tears cascade down her face as we get a crane shot of the
action, backing away to see the wave of raccoons swarm the house.
Her top pops off one more time, then the credits rolls.
Wow, I can't believe they didn't make that script into a movie.
If any of you want an actual copy of the script, you can e-mail me and
I'll e-mail you a picture of Tubgirl back, because it's mine to
keep. Now go rent the original House of Wax from 1953, and then
realize that the film is the closet thing our society came to reaching
utopian status.