First Annual Birthday Spectacular!!!
Yes, in only two days, my wonderful birthday will come, and all the
Christians will celebrate. I don't know if any of you know this,
but I share a birthday with some pretty famous people, namely the
legendary Willie Nelson, the regal Carl Gustav XVI, the comely Kirsten
Dunst, and the black Isiah Thomas. If you didn't know that fact,
you probably don't know that every year, a few days before April 30th,
these four celebrities and myself get together for a little party, just
to catch up with each other. We always enjoy a meal of unpeeled
grapes and meatsticks while we discuss our lives, and afterwards we
watch a Godzilla movie of rotating person's choice. This year,
it's Isiah's turn, although I think he'll be hard pressed to top Carl
Gustav's choice of Godzilla vs. Gigan from last year. We've been
doing this for some time now, I think close to ten years, and this year
I've decided to let you all in the secret awesomeness. Behold, my
wonderful April 30th Celebrity Birthday Party!
(me): Mmm... mmm... boy, do I love eating grapes! There just is so many ways you can consume them, they're like a blank canvas that I express my eating creativity on! Mmm... mmm... (Here I eat a grape in an unintentionally sexual fashion, which is about the norm for everyone at the party)
: Yes, I agree, grapes kick ass. Almost as much ass as my performance in "Gone Fishing."
: Hell yeah, that movie kicked ass. Isiah, do you want any more grapes man? I know Willie and I are hogging them pretty h-core over here...
: Nah, nigga, I've been working on these meatsticks for some time now, they're keeping me full. So, Carl, how's your totalitarian rule over Sweden going? (Begins to bizarrely eat another meatstick)
: Well, the masses have been pretty much kept underfoot for some time now, but the UN is being a bitch about me not allowing elections anymore. Bush has been advising me on how to ignore them, though, so it's all good. Anyone want to go a few rounds against me in Soul Calibur II?
: Sure, I'll play you for the last meatstick.
: Hey! I was going to eat that!
: Hahaha, listen to him! He thinks he's people, isn't that cute? (Begins Soul Calibur match against Carl Gustav XVI)
: Bitch I won three NBA titles with the Pistons, I'm totally a people!
: Yeah, but you ran the CBA into the ground like a n00b. I got my money on Gustav, by the way.
: Come on... come on... HIT IT!!! HIT THAT FUCKING BITCH!!!... come on... OH MY GOD GET OUT OF THE CORNER, NECRID!!! GET OUT OF THE CORNER!!! (Watches as Necrid is defeated by Kirsten's Talim) Oh my God that's cheap! Talim's such a newbie character!!
: I let you chose first, idiot, you could have chose her. You gotta keep your distance from Talim with the slower characters, or else it'll be GGNOREKTNXBAI.
: Ha ha, you bet. Anyone want to buy some of my CDs?
: Willie, we already all own at least four copies of all your CDs. You can't possibly need any more money... Willie?
: Nah, I just wanted to see if you guys... wanted... more of my CDs...
: Willie, did you forget to pay your taxes again and now have to pay off the IRS fine?
: Well, maybe a little bit...
: Bill, how can you only forget to pay your taxes by a little bit? That seems like an all or nothing deal.
: Because it's sort of on purpose forgetting, so it's only forgetting in a partial sense.
: Willie, how many times are we going to have to bail you out of debt? I can only star in so many Spider-man movies, I won't be able to help you forever.
: I never pay taxes in Sweden, and nobody ever gives a hoot.
: That's because you're the king, idiot. You don't have to pay taxes, you just collect them and spend the money on cermatic song bird models.
: Yeah, that's right... I am the king, aren't I? (A broad smile creeps across the greasy Swede's face)
: Well, you certainly aren't the king of Soul Calibur II, or of this meatstick I'm eating right now. (Stuffs the last footlong meatstick in his mouth in a flash)
: You little bitch, that was my meatstick. I won that fair and square.
: You can have it in a few hours when I shit it out, sweetcheeks. (A piece of meatstick falls out of his mouth at the conclusion of his sentence)
: (Swoops down to capture the meatstick piece) Thievary! This'll catch quite a pretty penny on eBay... (Heads off to the computer room)
: Alright guys, calm down. It's time to hear Isiah's choice for this year's Godzilla film. Isiah, you have the floor.
: Thank you, Tim. Okay, this year, my choice of Godzilla film is "Godzilla vs. Spacegodzilla." I feel this is an appropriate choice for a film, since I think it sort of symbolizes this group's bond of friendship. In the film, Godzilla goes to great lengths to free his son from the clutches of Spacegodzilla's crystal prison, which I think is the extent of the friendship we all share with each other. This film reminds me of the times you guys donated money to the CBA in an effort to save it, which I still appreciate. Plus, the film seems to go on forever, which is how long I think our friendships will last.
: Fuck you, meatstick robber.
: Go date Bubble Boy, Dunst.
: That was a very nice speech, Isiah, I think your choice of Godzilla film is appropriate for the occasion. Just let me set it up here--(Hears a knock on the door) Who in the world is that? (Walks to the door to see who in the world it is) Oh my God, you have got to be kidding me...
: HAHA, IT IS I, AL LEWIS OF "THE MUNSTERS" FAME!!! I HAVE COME HERE TO CELEBRATE MY APRIL 30TH BIRTHDAY WITH ALL THE OTHER CELEBRITIES!!!
: Al, you know we kicked you out of the party years ago due to your tendency to get drunk and hit on Carl Gustav. Besides, you're 95 years old; you're almost dead. You're not welcome here.
: COME ON, JUST LET ME COME IN!!! I WANT TO SEE MY GOOD BUDDY CARL!!! I PROMISE TO BE NICE!!!
: Keep him the hell away from me, the King of Sweden doesn't swing that way. And if he did, it would be with a young strapping man like Tim, not an old crazy man like Al Lewis.
: Um... thanks I guess, Carl. You need to leave Al, before I call the police.
: AW PLEEEEZE LET ME IN!!! I'LL BE A LOT OF FUN, YOU'LL SEE!!! SEE, I EVEN BROUGHT MY GOOD FRIEND HITLER WITH ME TO SPICE UP THE PARTY!!!
: Nien!!
: No, Hitler is not welcome here either, on the grounds that his birthday is on April 20th, not April 30th. I'd rather have him here than you though, Al Lewis. Now get outta here. (Closes the door)
: HAHA, THEIR LOSS, RIGHT HITLER??? AT LEAST I'LL BE GETTING THAT MEATSTICK THAT WAS IN ISIAH THOMAS'S MOUTH IN A COUPLE OF WEEKS BY MAIL!!! THANKS EBAY!!!
: Mien Kampf! (Both leave)
: Sheesh, every year... alright guys, the movie's starting. (Everyone gathers around the TV)
: When am I going to get compensation for that meatstick you stole, Isiah?
: Hmm... probably never. Now shut up, the movie's starting.
Two and half hours later, the movie concludes and the guests start to head home...
: Another wonderful party, Tim. I wish birthdays came around more than once a year, so we could do this more often.
: Well, they wouldn't be birthdays then, would they?
: Huh? Yeah they would be, you'd just have more than one.
: I'm not going to get into this argument again with you, Willie. Just take your dimebag and leave before this party ends on a sour note.
: Alright, see you in hell, Tim! (Runs out the door making airplane noises)
: (Shaking my head) Marijuana is a powerful drug... powerful drug...
: Yes, another marvelous success, Tim. It was good fun catching up with you again, and thanks for not letting Al Lewis in. That dude wants my ass, and he wants it hard.
: You can say that again.
: That dude--
: And if you actually do say that again, I'm going to shoot you in the head.
: (Quickly closes his mouth) Um... bye. (Leaves)
: Isiah, that was a good choice of Godzilla movie this year. I think your explanation for the choice was top notch, well done.
: Hell yeah it was a good choice. That's the kind of choice you can only get from a 3 time NBA champion.
: And a dirty meatstick stealer.
: Actually, I think I left the meatstick in the toilet for you, Kirsten. It's there if you still want it.
: You mean you didn't flush? You dirty bastard, get out my house! If there's one thing I hate, it's people that don't flush! (Kicks wildly in Isiah's direction, causing the 3 time NBA champion to quickly exit the house)
: Thanks Tim, that was very brave of you...
: Not really, I took a kick at his nuts when he wasn't expecting it--(Kirsten plants a long, lustful kiss on my lips)
: (Waits expectantly for a reaction from me; I give her no response) What's wrong, Tim?
: You... you know I'll always be there for you, Kirsten. You know I'll always be your friend.
: (Tears well up in her eyes) Just a friend, Tim?
: As long as I write really long, shitty posts on the internet, that's all we can ever be. There's too many people out there that would want to hurt me because of the length and unfunniness of my posts, and I can't afford to have someone like you put in danger because people on the internet want to hurt me or anybody I love. I'm... I'm sorry, Kirsten.
: ?:( (Runs away crying)
: (I close the door behind her, walk over to the TV to clean up the grape vines and meatstick wrappers; a light bulb suddenly goes off in my head) Wait, what the fuck was I talking about? Goddammit, I'm so stupid. (I shake my head in disgust and continue to clean up the mess)
Fin.
Holy crap that took a long time. I will take comfort in knowing nobody will read this post I put so much work into thanks to its length. Send me presents for my birthday on April 30th!
(me): Mmm... mmm... boy, do I love eating grapes! There just is so many ways you can consume them, they're like a blank canvas that I express my eating creativity on! Mmm... mmm... (Here I eat a grape in an unintentionally sexual fashion, which is about the norm for everyone at the party)
: Yes, I agree, grapes kick ass. Almost as much ass as my performance in "Gone Fishing."
: Hell yeah, that movie kicked ass. Isiah, do you want any more grapes man? I know Willie and I are hogging them pretty h-core over here...
: Nah, nigga, I've been working on these meatsticks for some time now, they're keeping me full. So, Carl, how's your totalitarian rule over Sweden going? (Begins to bizarrely eat another meatstick)
: Well, the masses have been pretty much kept underfoot for some time now, but the UN is being a bitch about me not allowing elections anymore. Bush has been advising me on how to ignore them, though, so it's all good. Anyone want to go a few rounds against me in Soul Calibur II?
: Sure, I'll play you for the last meatstick.
: Hey! I was going to eat that!
: Hahaha, listen to him! He thinks he's people, isn't that cute? (Begins Soul Calibur match against Carl Gustav XVI)
: Bitch I won three NBA titles with the Pistons, I'm totally a people!
: Yeah, but you ran the CBA into the ground like a n00b. I got my money on Gustav, by the way.
: Come on... come on... HIT IT!!! HIT THAT FUCKING BITCH!!!... come on... OH MY GOD GET OUT OF THE CORNER, NECRID!!! GET OUT OF THE CORNER!!! (Watches as Necrid is defeated by Kirsten's Talim) Oh my God that's cheap! Talim's such a newbie character!!
: I let you chose first, idiot, you could have chose her. You gotta keep your distance from Talim with the slower characters, or else it'll be GGNOREKTNXBAI.
: Ha ha, you bet. Anyone want to buy some of my CDs?
: Willie, we already all own at least four copies of all your CDs. You can't possibly need any more money... Willie?
: Nah, I just wanted to see if you guys... wanted... more of my CDs...
: Willie, did you forget to pay your taxes again and now have to pay off the IRS fine?
: Well, maybe a little bit...
: Bill, how can you only forget to pay your taxes by a little bit? That seems like an all or nothing deal.
: Because it's sort of on purpose forgetting, so it's only forgetting in a partial sense.
: Willie, how many times are we going to have to bail you out of debt? I can only star in so many Spider-man movies, I won't be able to help you forever.
: I never pay taxes in Sweden, and nobody ever gives a hoot.
: That's because you're the king, idiot. You don't have to pay taxes, you just collect them and spend the money on cermatic song bird models.
: Yeah, that's right... I am the king, aren't I? (A broad smile creeps across the greasy Swede's face)
: Well, you certainly aren't the king of Soul Calibur II, or of this meatstick I'm eating right now. (Stuffs the last footlong meatstick in his mouth in a flash)
: You little bitch, that was my meatstick. I won that fair and square.
: You can have it in a few hours when I shit it out, sweetcheeks. (A piece of meatstick falls out of his mouth at the conclusion of his sentence)
: (Swoops down to capture the meatstick piece) Thievary! This'll catch quite a pretty penny on eBay... (Heads off to the computer room)
: Alright guys, calm down. It's time to hear Isiah's choice for this year's Godzilla film. Isiah, you have the floor.
: Thank you, Tim. Okay, this year, my choice of Godzilla film is "Godzilla vs. Spacegodzilla." I feel this is an appropriate choice for a film, since I think it sort of symbolizes this group's bond of friendship. In the film, Godzilla goes to great lengths to free his son from the clutches of Spacegodzilla's crystal prison, which I think is the extent of the friendship we all share with each other. This film reminds me of the times you guys donated money to the CBA in an effort to save it, which I still appreciate. Plus, the film seems to go on forever, which is how long I think our friendships will last.
: Fuck you, meatstick robber.
: Go date Bubble Boy, Dunst.
: That was a very nice speech, Isiah, I think your choice of Godzilla film is appropriate for the occasion. Just let me set it up here--(Hears a knock on the door) Who in the world is that? (Walks to the door to see who in the world it is) Oh my God, you have got to be kidding me...
: HAHA, IT IS I, AL LEWIS OF "THE MUNSTERS" FAME!!! I HAVE COME HERE TO CELEBRATE MY APRIL 30TH BIRTHDAY WITH ALL THE OTHER CELEBRITIES!!!
: Al, you know we kicked you out of the party years ago due to your tendency to get drunk and hit on Carl Gustav. Besides, you're 95 years old; you're almost dead. You're not welcome here.
: COME ON, JUST LET ME COME IN!!! I WANT TO SEE MY GOOD BUDDY CARL!!! I PROMISE TO BE NICE!!!
: Keep him the hell away from me, the King of Sweden doesn't swing that way. And if he did, it would be with a young strapping man like Tim, not an old crazy man like Al Lewis.
: Um... thanks I guess, Carl. You need to leave Al, before I call the police.
: AW PLEEEEZE LET ME IN!!! I'LL BE A LOT OF FUN, YOU'LL SEE!!! SEE, I EVEN BROUGHT MY GOOD FRIEND HITLER WITH ME TO SPICE UP THE PARTY!!!
: Nien!!
: No, Hitler is not welcome here either, on the grounds that his birthday is on April 20th, not April 30th. I'd rather have him here than you though, Al Lewis. Now get outta here. (Closes the door)
: HAHA, THEIR LOSS, RIGHT HITLER??? AT LEAST I'LL BE GETTING THAT MEATSTICK THAT WAS IN ISIAH THOMAS'S MOUTH IN A COUPLE OF WEEKS BY MAIL!!! THANKS EBAY!!!
: Mien Kampf! (Both leave)
: Sheesh, every year... alright guys, the movie's starting. (Everyone gathers around the TV)
: When am I going to get compensation for that meatstick you stole, Isiah?
: Hmm... probably never. Now shut up, the movie's starting.
Two and half hours later, the movie concludes and the guests start to head home...
: Another wonderful party, Tim. I wish birthdays came around more than once a year, so we could do this more often.
: Well, they wouldn't be birthdays then, would they?
: Huh? Yeah they would be, you'd just have more than one.
: I'm not going to get into this argument again with you, Willie. Just take your dimebag and leave before this party ends on a sour note.
: Alright, see you in hell, Tim! (Runs out the door making airplane noises)
: (Shaking my head) Marijuana is a powerful drug... powerful drug...
: Yes, another marvelous success, Tim. It was good fun catching up with you again, and thanks for not letting Al Lewis in. That dude wants my ass, and he wants it hard.
: You can say that again.
: That dude--
: And if you actually do say that again, I'm going to shoot you in the head.
: (Quickly closes his mouth) Um... bye. (Leaves)
: Isiah, that was a good choice of Godzilla movie this year. I think your explanation for the choice was top notch, well done.
: Hell yeah it was a good choice. That's the kind of choice you can only get from a 3 time NBA champion.
: And a dirty meatstick stealer.
: Actually, I think I left the meatstick in the toilet for you, Kirsten. It's there if you still want it.
: You mean you didn't flush? You dirty bastard, get out my house! If there's one thing I hate, it's people that don't flush! (Kicks wildly in Isiah's direction, causing the 3 time NBA champion to quickly exit the house)
: Thanks Tim, that was very brave of you...
: Not really, I took a kick at his nuts when he wasn't expecting it--(Kirsten plants a long, lustful kiss on my lips)
: (Waits expectantly for a reaction from me; I give her no response) What's wrong, Tim?
: You... you know I'll always be there for you, Kirsten. You know I'll always be your friend.
: (Tears well up in her eyes) Just a friend, Tim?
: As long as I write really long, shitty posts on the internet, that's all we can ever be. There's too many people out there that would want to hurt me because of the length and unfunniness of my posts, and I can't afford to have someone like you put in danger because people on the internet want to hurt me or anybody I love. I'm... I'm sorry, Kirsten.
: ?:( (Runs away crying)
: (I close the door behind her, walk over to the TV to clean up the grape vines and meatstick wrappers; a light bulb suddenly goes off in my head) Wait, what the fuck was I talking about? Goddammit, I'm so stupid. (I shake my head in disgust and continue to clean up the mess)
Fin.
Holy crap that took a long time. I will take comfort in knowing nobody will read this post I put so much work into thanks to its length. Send me presents for my birthday on April 30th!