The World Mourns the Loss of Some Lady
I don't know if anybody knows about this, but apparently Terri Schaivo
died yesterday. There has been little coverage of this in the media, so
I think I should probably give some background to the readers out
there; about 15 years ago, Mrs. Schaivo was experimenting with bulimia
(as any good Christian would) and lost control of its amazing weight
loss powers. She lost the usage of everything on her body except
for her eyes and haunting smile, but was still somehow alive. Her
doctors, family, and husband were momentarily saddened by this
development, but then realized that this could be the start of an
amazing scientific revolution. They figured if they could keep
her alive until modern technology became advanced enough, they could
turn Terri Schaivo into a mechanical super soldier (they had something
like Robocop in mind perferably). Fifteen years later, a.k.a.
today, her husband realized they were tampering in God's domain and
ordered the feeding tube that fed her the life energy of sacrificed
virgins be removed. The doctors and the courts agreed, saying the
MechaTerri Project was not cost efficient, citing the slow advancement
of technology. Her family, though, thought that they had invested
too much money in the project and pulling the plug now would cause them
to lose millions in potential dollars from the funding the military
would have given them, and refused to have the virgin tube
removed. The Republicans viewed her as potentially invincible
soldier of Christ, the leader of their party, so they tried to pass
legislation or some shit to get the tube back in her tummy. Then
the courts in the Florida overruled the legislation and were like,
"BITCH DON'T BRING THAT WEAK SHIT 'ROUND HERE!!!" Terri finally
passed away on March 31, 2005, 9:05 a.m. EST, after two weeks without
her life force. Yeah, that's how it went, don't even check to see
if I'm right. You can trust me.
Anyway, this is tragic for the entire world because she's white and now we're all in mourning. People all around the world have poured their sympathy toward Terri's family, including some powerful public figures. Below are some are their testimonials and condolences they are sending to Terri and her family:
The Undertaker: Now... after 15 years... Terri Schaivo can finally... Rest... In... PEACE...
Stephen Hawking: There can be only one!!
George W. Bush: Of course it was tragic!... what was the question again?
Osama bin Laden: Yeah, remember me, bitches? That's right, it's me, Osama! And you guessed right, I pulled the feeding tube from Terri Schaivo! Didn't see that coming, did ya?!
Corey Taylor: Although the passing of Terri Schaivo, or any life for that matter, is a horrible loss, I am relieved by her crossing over. To see her puppeted around by her family and the politicians as some sort of martyr for the religious right disgusted me to no end. The Republicans in Congress and the President tried to pull on the nation's heartstrings so they could overturn the courts' decisions, which is a breach of the Jeffersonian Democracy's idea of checks and balances, which is not only sickening to see, but also very frightening to think about. If the executive or legislative branch can all of a sudden not have to answer to the judicial branch, we will be one step closer to an Orwellian regime running our country. I pray for Mrs. Schaivo's soul, but I also pray for the future of our democracy in this great nation we live in.
Christopher Lambert: There can be only--wait, that's already taken? Shit, um...
Christopher Lambert: You will participate in Mortal Kombat, to stop the armies of Shao Kahn from entering our realm... or something... fuck, whatever. RIP, Mitch Hedberg.
There you have it, an outpouring of emotion from our nation's most powerful people. I hope all of you are properly saddened by her passing, or Congress will pass legislation against YOU.
Anyway, this is tragic for the entire world because she's white and now we're all in mourning. People all around the world have poured their sympathy toward Terri's family, including some powerful public figures. Below are some are their testimonials and condolences they are sending to Terri and her family:
The Undertaker: Now... after 15 years... Terri Schaivo can finally... Rest... In... PEACE...
Stephen Hawking: There can be only one!!
George W. Bush: Of course it was tragic!... what was the question again?
Osama bin Laden: Yeah, remember me, bitches? That's right, it's me, Osama! And you guessed right, I pulled the feeding tube from Terri Schaivo! Didn't see that coming, did ya?!
Corey Taylor: Although the passing of Terri Schaivo, or any life for that matter, is a horrible loss, I am relieved by her crossing over. To see her puppeted around by her family and the politicians as some sort of martyr for the religious right disgusted me to no end. The Republicans in Congress and the President tried to pull on the nation's heartstrings so they could overturn the courts' decisions, which is a breach of the Jeffersonian Democracy's idea of checks and balances, which is not only sickening to see, but also very frightening to think about. If the executive or legislative branch can all of a sudden not have to answer to the judicial branch, we will be one step closer to an Orwellian regime running our country. I pray for Mrs. Schaivo's soul, but I also pray for the future of our democracy in this great nation we live in.
Christopher Lambert: There can be only--wait, that's already taken? Shit, um...
Christopher Lambert: You will participate in Mortal Kombat, to stop the armies of Shao Kahn from entering our realm... or something... fuck, whatever. RIP, Mitch Hedberg.
There you have it, an outpouring of emotion from our nation's most powerful people. I hope all of you are properly saddened by her passing, or Congress will pass legislation against YOU.