Damn, look at the mess I made
It's finally friday. I didn't think it would make it here. The past seven days have all but driven me crazy. Due to a few things outside of my control that were caused by things i was in control of, the money situation came up real short last payday. I haven't been this broke since April 2004. Needless to say, i've stepped up the work game and clocked out today with 58 hours for 5 days of work, which isn't bad at all. but i feel it...my nights have been comprised of getting off work, drinking a 32, passing out, waking up at 430 to do it again. (yeah yeah, i know, if i'm broke, i probably shouldn't be buying booze, but damn....)
I'm wore out. My mental game is shot. anxious. angry. and in the slump of the year. I figure it will wear off by payday, but right now I don't know what to do with myself. I need company, but i can't go out. I have to save every ounce of gas to get me to work and back next week, so lazy drives to put the mind at ease are out of the question. I should be writing songs, as i figure my mood would be a catalyst for inspired lyrics...but I work all day and the last thing i feel like doing right now is thinking. It would be a nice evening for a jog if it wasn't cold and raining out. So I opted for the budweiser earl left me and reek last night and ill sleep my night away again.
I'm a little angry with myself for getting too comfortable in a situation. I'm pretty decent, I would say, at evaluating odds for and against anything I decide to put my time into. If the odds don't add up, I usually don't fuck with it. Unless it's something sport or music-wise...I added up the odds on plenty of handrails that didn't add up, but did it anyway. I can take bodily pain or constructive criticism to make my odds better, but i'm so emotionally exhausted from life it's hard for me to put ME out there to lose. It doesn't make it better that usually for me to slip up and do such a thing is because i'm lacking something i need on more than a superficial level, tempting me to make decisions at the worst possible time - when i'm vulnerable. I take a retroactive, objective glance at the crescendo and decrescendo of the past few months and feel foolish. It's like an addiction for me at this point...i feel as though it's unhealthy to continue, but find it hard to stop. I'm always looking for the quick fix. But it's not like it was. Things that once were frequent are becoming scarce. I think about it all day, glance at the phone more than the clock, and the pressure lifts when it rings. To satiate the weight in my chest, even if it's just a matter of hours, I sink myself deeper into a seemingly new downward spiral instead of recognizing life is about the long term...that if I back off now, it will save me this everyday distraction of infatuation eventually instead of prolonging it over a period of weeks and months. I don't know who i'm kidding more at this point, my brain or my heart. As with everything, it's taught me even more about myself, so it's not for nothing.
One of the most important things I've realized in the past few years is that learning about yourself comes with a hefty tuition. You have to sacrifice things, people you care for, relationships you hold dear in order to acheive any sort of new self-cognizance. So anything that hurts you today will make you stronger and better prepared for tomorrow.
I tell myself that in the mirror everyday. It's hard to look at it like that until you have had the time to become stronger. Until then, right now....
.....fuck i'm losing sleep.
I wish the summer was here.
I'm wore out. My mental game is shot. anxious. angry. and in the slump of the year. I figure it will wear off by payday, but right now I don't know what to do with myself. I need company, but i can't go out. I have to save every ounce of gas to get me to work and back next week, so lazy drives to put the mind at ease are out of the question. I should be writing songs, as i figure my mood would be a catalyst for inspired lyrics...but I work all day and the last thing i feel like doing right now is thinking. It would be a nice evening for a jog if it wasn't cold and raining out. So I opted for the budweiser earl left me and reek last night and ill sleep my night away again.
I'm a little angry with myself for getting too comfortable in a situation. I'm pretty decent, I would say, at evaluating odds for and against anything I decide to put my time into. If the odds don't add up, I usually don't fuck with it. Unless it's something sport or music-wise...I added up the odds on plenty of handrails that didn't add up, but did it anyway. I can take bodily pain or constructive criticism to make my odds better, but i'm so emotionally exhausted from life it's hard for me to put ME out there to lose. It doesn't make it better that usually for me to slip up and do such a thing is because i'm lacking something i need on more than a superficial level, tempting me to make decisions at the worst possible time - when i'm vulnerable. I take a retroactive, objective glance at the crescendo and decrescendo of the past few months and feel foolish. It's like an addiction for me at this point...i feel as though it's unhealthy to continue, but find it hard to stop. I'm always looking for the quick fix. But it's not like it was. Things that once were frequent are becoming scarce. I think about it all day, glance at the phone more than the clock, and the pressure lifts when it rings. To satiate the weight in my chest, even if it's just a matter of hours, I sink myself deeper into a seemingly new downward spiral instead of recognizing life is about the long term...that if I back off now, it will save me this everyday distraction of infatuation eventually instead of prolonging it over a period of weeks and months. I don't know who i'm kidding more at this point, my brain or my heart. As with everything, it's taught me even more about myself, so it's not for nothing.
One of the most important things I've realized in the past few years is that learning about yourself comes with a hefty tuition. You have to sacrifice things, people you care for, relationships you hold dear in order to acheive any sort of new self-cognizance. So anything that hurts you today will make you stronger and better prepared for tomorrow.
I tell myself that in the mirror everyday. It's hard to look at it like that until you have had the time to become stronger. Until then, right now....
.....fuck i'm losing sleep.
I wish the summer was here.