(no subject)

[timmay10]

So, I know it's really early to be saying this, but I think I've hit the point where I'm no longer tired. Weekends this year are really wierd. I feel like I haven't had a 'real' experience in a while, a dance-in-the-rain experience. You can always tell when it just seems like you don't know how you got to where you are, and the day, weekend, month, year just went by and you can't remember what brought you to the moment you're in. I've realised, although at times this is an amazign feeling, that I'm utterly and completely obsessed with a sport they call soccer. It's the only thing keeping me on my toes at the moment, just imagining how perfect this season has to be. I know in the end I'm gonna let myself down because I'll build it up so much that it can't be accomplished and i'll miss all the fun I could be having along the way. But i can't help it. I never missed a practice if i could help it, even shadows, it was above everything, school, family, friends (most of which would be there anyway), tv, other sporting events, everything. And now that I don't have it all i can do is tell myself senior year soccer season is gonna be the best thing that ever happened, it has to be, all these years playing this sport have built up to senior year season... from age 4 we wanted to play on this team, at this school, with these soccer buddies, and a perfect season. Last year proved that senior year isn't always what you expect, and at the rate im going i could be pretty devistated. I'd give it all away just to play right now, just to let all this crap outa my head and put it on the field. It's all i really want and it's silly really, me thinking this year soccer will solve all my problems. Its when my knee will be better, it's when i hear form west point, it's when we say good-bye to a lifetime of friends, it's when we leave this miniature world of clarkston, no more memories, no more silent tears, no more gazing across the wasted years, its just a perfect... goodbye.
i don't understand myself sometimes, i just don't understand... everything is fine, everything is really good actually, i just can't seem to grasp that life doesn't have to be bad all the time to appreciate the good. "try to forgive me, teach me to live, give me the strength to try. help me say goodbye" I'll snap out of it soon. Just go dream and it'll be better in the morning.