(no subject)
okay kids time for some major fucking changes... and some major fucking heartbreak! I've been feeling very off for about well... two years at least. I'm beginning to think I may be mentally ill. I keep going throught these major bouts of insomnia and I can't take it. This is the third night running thaty I have been unable to sleep. It's killing me. And it's from stress, but I have no reason to stress. Yet still I am so unbeleivably stressed out. I'm anxious. But I'm also depressed. I feel like I need to get out and run around. But I feel ill and have no real drive.
Everyone I've come to know as my friends over the last four years is moving on. They're all doing what at the beggining of this year I too had planned on doing. Infact untill the beggining of 2nd semester I still had plans to go to humber. Unfortunatly sometime between now and then I gave up. I don't know why it just happened. I wish it didn't, I didn't plan on it, it just happened. Now I'm stuck without anything to look forward to. For the first time in my life, I am no longer looking forward to tommorow. I don't care anymore. Or do I care too much. Am I so hell bent on finding some new change, that I've turned it into this unreachable thing that I fear. Am I afraid to go after what a few months ago seemed so simple. and was so simple. What could be more simple, I just go to the website, apply to school, go to the audition then go to college. after that I start my life. But for somereason, somehow it was all brought to a screaching hault. I can't even put my finger on it. I've been trying to figure it out for so long. But the more I think about it, the more it makes me wanna cry. I just get depressed. The worst part is that unlike past bouts of depression, I am no longer looking at getting out of here and starting a new life. Now I have nothing to look at and go wow. I have a gleeming light of hope. Thatr hope kept me alive through many a lonely time. I'm not saying I'm feeling suicidle, but it's a really lonely place.
I need to get rid of all this stress. first off, claire and justin I'm sorry but I don't want to be in the band anymore. Metal never really was my thing. I love you guys, but I'm in a new band now and I feel more at home there then I ever have before. I hope this doesn't ruin our friendship, because i still really love you guys and want to continue our friendship. I know you'll be able to find a bassist some who's more metal inept than me. Talk to yamzz I'm sure he'll know a few.
Second I need a new job. There's too much drama involved in my current job as a timmy hoe. Although I love everyone I work with, I can't deal with all the fighting and bullshit anymore.
My body... I'v quit smoking ... mostly, but I still need to get back in shape. I was happiest when I was skinny, but I didn't realize I was skinny till I was aft again. Membership at trhe gym tommorrow and I'll work from there. Plus the endorphines will do me good.
Alanah we need to talk about us. Tonight ran me through so many emotions I don't know where to start, but I ended up in the same place so I know this is right.
My friends. There'sa so many people who I haven't talked to in so long, and I need to get back with them. Espeacially thoughs I was friends with in grade eight. Dave, Kurt and Joe have been out of my life too long and that's something I regret more than anything. Thankfully Matt is still a good friend and for this I will be forever greatfull.
My surroundings. I need to move or go on vacation or something. I think I'll visit all of my siblings this summer to just expirience different things and to get my mind off of this town and these people.
School. I have to get ready for Humber. If I don't get in I don't know what I'll do. There's nothing else.
I need a hug.
Everyone I've come to know as my friends over the last four years is moving on. They're all doing what at the beggining of this year I too had planned on doing. Infact untill the beggining of 2nd semester I still had plans to go to humber. Unfortunatly sometime between now and then I gave up. I don't know why it just happened. I wish it didn't, I didn't plan on it, it just happened. Now I'm stuck without anything to look forward to. For the first time in my life, I am no longer looking forward to tommorow. I don't care anymore. Or do I care too much. Am I so hell bent on finding some new change, that I've turned it into this unreachable thing that I fear. Am I afraid to go after what a few months ago seemed so simple. and was so simple. What could be more simple, I just go to the website, apply to school, go to the audition then go to college. after that I start my life. But for somereason, somehow it was all brought to a screaching hault. I can't even put my finger on it. I've been trying to figure it out for so long. But the more I think about it, the more it makes me wanna cry. I just get depressed. The worst part is that unlike past bouts of depression, I am no longer looking at getting out of here and starting a new life. Now I have nothing to look at and go wow. I have a gleeming light of hope. Thatr hope kept me alive through many a lonely time. I'm not saying I'm feeling suicidle, but it's a really lonely place.
I need to get rid of all this stress. first off, claire and justin I'm sorry but I don't want to be in the band anymore. Metal never really was my thing. I love you guys, but I'm in a new band now and I feel more at home there then I ever have before. I hope this doesn't ruin our friendship, because i still really love you guys and want to continue our friendship. I know you'll be able to find a bassist some who's more metal inept than me. Talk to yamzz I'm sure he'll know a few.
Second I need a new job. There's too much drama involved in my current job as a timmy hoe. Although I love everyone I work with, I can't deal with all the fighting and bullshit anymore.
My body... I'v quit smoking ... mostly, but I still need to get back in shape. I was happiest when I was skinny, but I didn't realize I was skinny till I was aft again. Membership at trhe gym tommorrow and I'll work from there. Plus the endorphines will do me good.
Alanah we need to talk about us. Tonight ran me through so many emotions I don't know where to start, but I ended up in the same place so I know this is right.
My friends. There'sa so many people who I haven't talked to in so long, and I need to get back with them. Espeacially thoughs I was friends with in grade eight. Dave, Kurt and Joe have been out of my life too long and that's something I regret more than anything. Thankfully Matt is still a good friend and for this I will be forever greatfull.
My surroundings. I need to move or go on vacation or something. I think I'll visit all of my siblings this summer to just expirience different things and to get my mind off of this town and these people.
School. I have to get ready for Humber. If I don't get in I don't know what I'll do. There's nothing else.
I need a hug.