(no subject)
Well Sunday i went to Bruce's memorial, It was horrible. I cried soo much. It wasnt just that it was sad, but because Sven flat out refused to go, but he said he would clean my room, Then the person that was supposed to drive me got to drunk, but i caught a ride with someone else in her Spyder Eclipse which was nice. Lacey and Sean was there which i was greatful for...but they had each other tehre. And the rest of the people I hang with were already packed in their pew so it was me Sean, Lacey, Svetta, and me sitting there. I didnt know here that well i have only met her like 3 times before that and we never actually talked. So i was sitting there by myself watching all the heartfelt speeches, 2 of my Starbucks friends went up and spoke, and I was sitting there just watching crying and I had no one to cling to. Sean and Lacey reached over and rubbed my arm a few times which i was greatful fo, but other then that I had no one there for me and It was a horrible feeling. When i got home though it got worse, I was so exhausted with grief and when i got home Sven cleaned absolutely nothing of my room like he said he would. and I was suppose to clean my room that day or I was going to get in trouble. So i had to speed clean, I smoked like 6 cigs chain before I started. Sven came out and hugged me and I just put my head in his chest and cried and told him how much it hurt that he wasnt there for me when i needed him there, and he got mad at me for being accusatory, when i was just telling him how i felt. It made me feel worse So while I was cleaning I was bawling my eyes out the whole time, until Kasy came over and explained to me that In europe people deal alone they dont want people there with them. I felt okay after that and said sorry for the way I acted although i still think i acted rightfully being pissed at him for not being there for me. My best Friends that I have made in Texas are Dan, Kaitlan, and Sven. They are all gone. Sven lives with me, but after last night I felt he wasnt really there. I pissed me off for how I acted and how he acted. Then we talked about it and I was in a better mood or faked a better mood for the sake of our friendship. God, I almost cried today at lunch talking to Sean about how i felt last night. Its soo hard. Not only that when i got home Mandy was online and flat out yelling at me on AIM, because a few days back i was being funny and asking about her xs penis size out of just fun and joking, And last night she yelled at me because she thinks I was asking for my friends benefit and called me a liar when I said I was asking for fun. But you all know me enough that I ask that sort of stuff randomly for fun. Then My other friend came online asking me to be hook up messenger, which i wasnt in the mood for either. Then today when i got home from school, Dad had his fit that he has when he feels that we havent fought for a while so he calls the school to dig up stuff to get mad at me for. Of course he found my grades and when i got home Dad took my cell phone on a permanent basis, emailed my Mom to tell her she cant send me anymore money or cards. Then I am grounded for two weeks. So last night I cut again and it was really deep and I didnt feel it when i did it and then i looked down and saw how much blood was coming out of my wrist and I took care of it. Everything is just really really really really really really hard right now and I dont knwo how to deal or what to do. I am gonna be a fucking chain smoker more then I already am so hopefully I will die at 32. I am so freaking Alone and I dunno i need someone here for me that understands. Sean understands, but I only get to talk to him about this stuff during A lunch when no one else is around. I just want some kind of help or revelation or something. someone help me.