Can you hear me?

Mar 17, 2007 02:42

Ever have one of those days (or a few of them in a row) where you just want to scream in frustration? I'm feeling like that.

Ah, what's the point. I don't have anything really interesting to write on here. It's all the same regurgitated depression over and over. In fact, I don't even know why I'm continuing to write this this second. Maybe it's just to remind everybody that I'm still alive and because I feel guilty that I've been neglecting LJ. But realy, I just write the same thing over and over. I've been doing it for years.

Despite how frustrated I'm feeling, lots of things are becoming more apparent to me. I may not be making much progress right now (although I'm not longer cursing myself for ruining my last relationship, thanks to somebody helping me realize it wasn't me who ruined it) but things just seem clearer than they did before. I'm seeing more evidently than I used to how much of all of this is my fault, and that the only thing stopping me is me.

I'm at the point now where I'm depressed because I'm depressed. I'm letting go of the past, and I understand I won't be salvaging any of it in my future. I look at the present, too afraid to... ooh wait, I have a great analogy for this.

For those who aren't aware, I'm afraid of heights. If I go too close to a banister overlooking a somewhat far drop (as little as being on the second floor at the mall looking over) I start to tense up and I try my best not to stay in that situation for much longer. I don't know if this is normal to those who are afraid of high places, but when I'm in a fearful situation like that, I can't look up. My neck sits straight, my sholders become rigid, and if I start to look towards the sky or what have you, I tense up even more.

You see what I'm getting at? Of course you don't, because it was an obscure paragraph-long analogy that I could've just as easily skipped in favor of SAYING what I was going to say! Anyway, it's kind of a metaphor to my current state of living (as well as that of the past many years.) I'm uncomfortable and tense in my current affairs, but I'm too afraid to look beyond where I'm at because looking into the future is even scarier when seen from where I'm standing.

Okay, so the analogy sucked. But! The important thing is, I'm learning more and more about myself each day. Sometimes what I learn is the same (or very similar) to what I've learned in the past, but my mind wants to go over it again and again until it's used to it. I guess I'm just waiting for the right time to strike, and I feel it's coming up soon.

And speaking of going over the same thing again and again, any of you recall times when I've said that I need to be put on medication? Well yeah, I do, and that's another one of those things my mind is adjusting itself into accepting (since obviously I haven't done it yet.) A lot of what I've put myself through (or HAVE NOT put myself through, as case would have it) involves me containing myself within these imaginary boundaries of my design, and it feels IMPOSSIBLE to break out of! I've had myself convinced that I "can't" do something. I "can't" achieve a career in something I'd enjoy, I "can't" ever make the opposite sex find me attractive in my current physical state, I "can't" ever commit to a project and use it to gain recognition or even income. Why "can't" I? Other people can, right? So what's so special about me - what handicap do I have that prevents me from getting anything done? It's not so much that I'm being distracted by something, as I can't even commit to the video games I play or any other interest of mine. Even a recreational hobby of mine seems too hard to make any progress on. What's wrong with me?

Whatever is wrong with me, it's something that is apparently out of my control. Look at how many posts I've made like this, between here and Myspace. I have these up and down periods, the up when I post stuff like this, and the down where I just go on about how awful my life is. My life isn't that awful, it's just been pretty uneventful (you know, after the fiasco living arrangements in Fountain Hills and the cancer.) But it FEELS awful, and as much as I encourage myself, it's never enough to move myself. I've had a whole week off, and I haven't done shit. (Okay, I worked out a little!) I've been tired most of the time, and even when I have a good night's rest, I wake up feeling tired, sore and weak. There is something wrong with me and it needs to be treated. Even the thought of seeing a doctor troubles me too much to do something about it... but I can't go saying "Woah is me, I'm so worthless I can't even schedule a doctor's appointment. I guess I'll just GIVE UP on everything." People have had faith in me, in my abilities. I've been regarded as a good friend and a very entertaining person to be around. I'm not awful, the only time I'm awful is when I go through these horrible mood swings and snap at people. I can't embrace that. I won't.

Right now, I'm feeling pretty good that I've managed to take what was going to be a depressing entry and turn it into something a little more upbeat (if not still pretty tiring.) So I'm going to cut this short, and maybe crosspost it to Myspace for the faggots over there who refuse to come over here. C YA!
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