Grghrghlrhglhglrhlr
I know things aren't as bad as I feel like they are right now, but tonight they feel bad enough.
Again, I'm tired of bearing witness to how everybody else is progressing with the next stage of their lives and I'm stagnating over here. I hate that I had to wait until 11 PM tonight to FINALLY receive word on where I should go to meet some of my friends, because they were all busy with other aspects of their lives. I'm tired of Claudio, who I thought was a friend of mine, being a dick towards me every day at work and getting away with it, and then bragging about what a "pimp" he is and how he doesn't have to change for anybody. I'm real glad the last shitty relationship he was in has helped teach him that he can benefit in life by being an asshole, as he's now rewarded with a pretty decent relationship now. I'm also tired of living out in this pit far away from civilization, with my miserable family who thinks I need to continue living at home because apparently I haven't seen enough of them walking on eggshells for my bitchy brat of a sister. I'm tired of feeling angry and miserable, myself.
I'm also tired of how I continue to hope that my long-distance friends are actually friends of mine, and actually want to be there for me. I foolishly cling onto this belief that people I talk to on the internet are real friends of mine who consider me the same way. They especially have lives of their own and there's less and less room for me in them. Even the people who live around here don't have too much time.
I shouldn't have to throw tantrums like this anymore; I shouldn't be lashing out and pushing people away when I'm angry, so why am I still being like this? Why can't I just shrug when plans fall through, and say "Another time, perhaps," or just accept that the friends I've made online have busy, healthy lives that I too should focus on achieving? (And granted, I'm doing a lot better than I used to.) Why can't I just hold my head up high and convince myself that the asshole I work with is only acting this way because he himself secretly has a low self-esteem and only mistreats others because he hates himself and is clearly unhappy with his own life as well as his relationship? Why can't I just continue to focus on the positive and deal with what needs to be dealt with one day at a time?
Is it because I'm insecure myself? Definately, although I'm trying to address that. Is it because I have a chemical imbalance and need medication? That's also a possibility. Or is it just seriously that I've put up with enough shit in my life and it's really starting to weigh me down? I don't like to think of it like that because - let's be honest - other people have had it far worse than me.
At times like now, I just don't know what to do anymore. I feel lonely and upset... and above all else, angry. And every time I get into a fight with somebody, or just lash out at them due to fault of my own, I feel even more upset because I wonder if they're just going to cross me out of their lives rather than put up with my bullshit?
It could have to do with my own self-image. I don't see myself as much of a great person, and when nights like tonight happen, I don't think of myself as good enough of a person to be put up with. I don't know what I'm talking about right now, but I don't know what to do, anymore.
Again, I'm tired of bearing witness to how everybody else is progressing with the next stage of their lives and I'm stagnating over here. I hate that I had to wait until 11 PM tonight to FINALLY receive word on where I should go to meet some of my friends, because they were all busy with other aspects of their lives. I'm tired of Claudio, who I thought was a friend of mine, being a dick towards me every day at work and getting away with it, and then bragging about what a "pimp" he is and how he doesn't have to change for anybody. I'm real glad the last shitty relationship he was in has helped teach him that he can benefit in life by being an asshole, as he's now rewarded with a pretty decent relationship now. I'm also tired of living out in this pit far away from civilization, with my miserable family who thinks I need to continue living at home because apparently I haven't seen enough of them walking on eggshells for my bitchy brat of a sister. I'm tired of feeling angry and miserable, myself.
I'm also tired of how I continue to hope that my long-distance friends are actually friends of mine, and actually want to be there for me. I foolishly cling onto this belief that people I talk to on the internet are real friends of mine who consider me the same way. They especially have lives of their own and there's less and less room for me in them. Even the people who live around here don't have too much time.
I shouldn't have to throw tantrums like this anymore; I shouldn't be lashing out and pushing people away when I'm angry, so why am I still being like this? Why can't I just shrug when plans fall through, and say "Another time, perhaps," or just accept that the friends I've made online have busy, healthy lives that I too should focus on achieving? (And granted, I'm doing a lot better than I used to.) Why can't I just hold my head up high and convince myself that the asshole I work with is only acting this way because he himself secretly has a low self-esteem and only mistreats others because he hates himself and is clearly unhappy with his own life as well as his relationship? Why can't I just continue to focus on the positive and deal with what needs to be dealt with one day at a time?
Is it because I'm insecure myself? Definately, although I'm trying to address that. Is it because I have a chemical imbalance and need medication? That's also a possibility. Or is it just seriously that I've put up with enough shit in my life and it's really starting to weigh me down? I don't like to think of it like that because - let's be honest - other people have had it far worse than me.
At times like now, I just don't know what to do anymore. I feel lonely and upset... and above all else, angry. And every time I get into a fight with somebody, or just lash out at them due to fault of my own, I feel even more upset because I wonder if they're just going to cross me out of their lives rather than put up with my bullshit?
It could have to do with my own self-image. I don't see myself as much of a great person, and when nights like tonight happen, I don't think of myself as good enough of a person to be put up with. I don't know what I'm talking about right now, but I don't know what to do, anymore.