Trying to improve.
I really don't like how I've turned out. I turn 24 in a month, and what do I have to show for it? I'm fat, bitter, and once again living at home and yet still going from paycheck to paycheck. I am not so pessimistic as to ignore the fact that things are slowly improving. I'll start on the improvements, before going into what I'd like to get done:
-I can save money now! I'm still excited about this.
-I'm slowly getting my debts organized and finished off. Once my tax refund comes in, maybe I can pay off Verizon (or make a decent-sized chunk, at least.)
-The cancer is clearing up very well, from what my last PET scan has showed me. Only a few more months of chemo.
-I'm getting a little more ironed out for my first book, I think. I'm not quite ready to start writing it, but I'm getting close. I'm jotting down notes here and there, although not as often as I'd like.
-Still haven't lost my hair, folks.
-Delphina made me an officer in our guild. I know, it's a trivial thing, but it's still something to feel good about.
Now, what I wish I could improve on:
-LOSE WEIGHT. I feel so fat these days, and it certainly doesn't help that all I can pretty much work up the effort to do anymore is go to work, and go to sleep. And eat. That's one of the main reasons I haven't even been updating anymore. I haven't even been playing WoW very much! I guess that's what happens when you're getting chemo, but it still sucks.
-Get more work done on my story, so I can at least get writing on it.
-Gather enough energy to, well, exersize. Beyond that, I want to actually get a website running. I'm good at writing, I really am, and that tablet Alyssa got me really shows me how good I actually am at drawing. I just need to do something with these talents.
-Keep saving money, ultimately to get a better car.
-Prepare for school. I'm entertaining the thought of getting an A+ Certification in hardware and/or software, getting a job involving that, and then moving onto a better education in the future as time/money permits. Just a thought.
-Stop being a grouch. This involves finding happiness, which is one of the hardest aspects of life for me to catch on to. I seriously don't know how to be happy. I find myself rarely satisfied with my current situations (although I'm getting better at it) and, well, I guess I just need to accept that God will point me in the right direction and to just try to be pleased with where I'm going. I still feel quite inadequate.
-See an endocrinologist. The root of most of my problems is lack of energy. I get nothing done because I just don't feel up to it. As a result, I feel miserable because I'm not doing anything, which depresses me, and causes me to want to do even less. My mother has done a lot of research on thyroid stuff, and if I truly have some sort of a thyroid problem, I should look into it and see if there's a chemical issue relating to all of this. To be honest, I find it a little hard to believe that I've been this unhappy and lethargic all these years for no reason. There's gotta be a reason, and maybe it's health-related.
-Eventually, move out. Possibly with Alyssa when she's ready to come back down here. I'll admit it, I'm scared. Things blew up in our faces in the past, and due to it being mutually both of our faults, I can't just say "Well, it'll go better this time because I'm a NEW MAN." First of all, I'm not a new man. I feel like an old man, actually. Second, what if all goes well for me, and then she moves back and still has her own problems? I shouldn't really worry, as from how she's been talking lately, it sounds like she's getting her own act together as well. I just don't want to make any wrong moves. Either way, I'd like us to perhaps live in Mesa. It's cheaper there, and we'd be near most of my friends. I also wouldn't be driving an hour to work both ways!
Seriously, I'm almost halfway to 30. That frightens me just thinking about that. Thirty. THIRTY. And what do I have to show for it? Almost nothing. In reality, I shouldn't sweat it. My attitude has always been based on the grass on the other side of the fence. OTHER people have this going for them. OTHER people have accomplished this in life at my age. OTHER people are happy with these aspects, and I'm not. Other people have found their own way at becoming happy.
So... I guess I'll start with step 1: Seeing if there's something wrong with my body. If there isn't, I'll go onto step 2. Uh, therapy, I guess.
-I can save money now! I'm still excited about this.
-I'm slowly getting my debts organized and finished off. Once my tax refund comes in, maybe I can pay off Verizon (or make a decent-sized chunk, at least.)
-The cancer is clearing up very well, from what my last PET scan has showed me. Only a few more months of chemo.
-I'm getting a little more ironed out for my first book, I think. I'm not quite ready to start writing it, but I'm getting close. I'm jotting down notes here and there, although not as often as I'd like.
-Still haven't lost my hair, folks.
-Delphina made me an officer in our guild. I know, it's a trivial thing, but it's still something to feel good about.
Now, what I wish I could improve on:
-LOSE WEIGHT. I feel so fat these days, and it certainly doesn't help that all I can pretty much work up the effort to do anymore is go to work, and go to sleep. And eat. That's one of the main reasons I haven't even been updating anymore. I haven't even been playing WoW very much! I guess that's what happens when you're getting chemo, but it still sucks.
-Get more work done on my story, so I can at least get writing on it.
-Gather enough energy to, well, exersize. Beyond that, I want to actually get a website running. I'm good at writing, I really am, and that tablet Alyssa got me really shows me how good I actually am at drawing. I just need to do something with these talents.
-Keep saving money, ultimately to get a better car.
-Prepare for school. I'm entertaining the thought of getting an A+ Certification in hardware and/or software, getting a job involving that, and then moving onto a better education in the future as time/money permits. Just a thought.
-Stop being a grouch. This involves finding happiness, which is one of the hardest aspects of life for me to catch on to. I seriously don't know how to be happy. I find myself rarely satisfied with my current situations (although I'm getting better at it) and, well, I guess I just need to accept that God will point me in the right direction and to just try to be pleased with where I'm going. I still feel quite inadequate.
-See an endocrinologist. The root of most of my problems is lack of energy. I get nothing done because I just don't feel up to it. As a result, I feel miserable because I'm not doing anything, which depresses me, and causes me to want to do even less. My mother has done a lot of research on thyroid stuff, and if I truly have some sort of a thyroid problem, I should look into it and see if there's a chemical issue relating to all of this. To be honest, I find it a little hard to believe that I've been this unhappy and lethargic all these years for no reason. There's gotta be a reason, and maybe it's health-related.
-Eventually, move out. Possibly with Alyssa when she's ready to come back down here. I'll admit it, I'm scared. Things blew up in our faces in the past, and due to it being mutually both of our faults, I can't just say "Well, it'll go better this time because I'm a NEW MAN." First of all, I'm not a new man. I feel like an old man, actually. Second, what if all goes well for me, and then she moves back and still has her own problems? I shouldn't really worry, as from how she's been talking lately, it sounds like she's getting her own act together as well. I just don't want to make any wrong moves. Either way, I'd like us to perhaps live in Mesa. It's cheaper there, and we'd be near most of my friends. I also wouldn't be driving an hour to work both ways!
Seriously, I'm almost halfway to 30. That frightens me just thinking about that. Thirty. THIRTY. And what do I have to show for it? Almost nothing. In reality, I shouldn't sweat it. My attitude has always been based on the grass on the other side of the fence. OTHER people have this going for them. OTHER people have accomplished this in life at my age. OTHER people are happy with these aspects, and I'm not. Other people have found their own way at becoming happy.
So... I guess I'll start with step 1: Seeing if there's something wrong with my body. If there isn't, I'll go onto step 2. Uh, therapy, I guess.