Fic: ...Have A Drink?
Title: …Have A Drink?
Author: timeywimeyball
Fandom: Torchwood, Firefly
Genre/s: Comedy
Characters/Pairing: Torchwood Three circa season two, and the crew of the Serenity
Rating: Rated L for LOL
Spoilers: None really…
Summary: For reasons best left unexplored (but are probably Jack’s fault), the entire Torchwood team have found themselves in the ship Serenity, where they are soon found by the crew. Hilarity ensues. (Hopefully.)
Disclaimer: If I owned these characters, would I write fanfic of them? Well, only if there was some really bad executive meddling and the studio stole my characters from me…fortunately enough for us all, this is not the case,
A/N: I wrote this a few days back, as a short of challenge with a friend. The rules were ‘One hour, crossover comedy, at about 500-1000 words’. I wrote 1012 in forty minutes, which might explain the sloppy and haphazard nature of the tale you are (possibly foolishly) about to read…
“Oh, you are going to get it when we come back.”
As ‘words spoken by intruders’ go, it was one of the odder ones, Malcolm Reynolds reflected. Well, at least they were somewhat noisy intruders- made it easier for them to be ambushed, which he was not going to argue.
Walking onto the gangwalk with practiced silence- Zoe had beaten that much into him, after all- he got a good look at them. They were a small group, and he could see three of them. Probably some more elsewhere, but not many.
They were dressed oddly. But, hell, maybe that was the bandit outfit to go of whatever moon- what moon WERE they on, anyway?- for whatever reason it was.
One of the three was a woman, who was arguing- or lecturing, really- a man in a longcoat. Looked uniform-ish. Not an Alliance uniform, so that was one worry out the way.
“And that’s how you will suffer for this, Jack!” The woman said, concluding a truly impressive rant at the man, who simply smiled.
“Oh, you do know how to tease me something fierce. What do you say, Ianto? Want to take lessons from-?”
“No thank you, Jack.” This voice was unseen. But at least Mal knew for sure there were more of them.
“Tosh? Any luck?” The man- Jack- asked the third visible intruder, another woman.
“No. I’m not even sure where we are.”
“Mm. Maybe we could ask the locals.” Jack said, looking up at Mal- who was shocked to be detected so easily, but not shocked enough to show it- and smiled. “How about it, then?”
--
An explanation followed.
This led to much griping by Jayne Cobb, gunman extraordinaire, and Owen Harper, medical doctor and professional complainer.
River liked the new people, which set Simon clucking over her.
Zoe glared at everyone, and steadfastly ignored her husband’s attempts to lighten the mood.
Everyone ignored the impossibility of the time travel, deciding that they were confused enough as it was without adding further complications.
Then Kaylee passed out the Engineer’s Special Brew, and everyone got happy.
--
Owen insisted on looking around Simon’s medical facilities. He complained the entire time about it’s poor condition, it’s lack of corpses to dissect, and of fun drugs to use on oneself and others.
That, and Simon Tam was just so infuriatingly pleasant, it got on his nerves.
--
“…and that’s how we escaped from the planet!”
Tosh “ooh”’d appreciatively, quite impressed with the Serenity’s chief and only engineer.
Then she felt an ear rest against her head, and a voice ask, “Brains?”
“Gah!”
“Oh, don’t worry none, that’s just River.”
“I wasn’t…I was just, ah…startled.”
“She does that.” Kaylee said understandingly. “Why, only the other day she was…now River honey, stop feeling the nice woman’s head.”
“But…her brain!”
“Come on, sit down with us, and you can talk to her. That’ll be nice, yeah?”
River contemplated this for a moment, before nodding and sitting down opposite Tosh, looking intently at her.
“I would like to get to know your brains.”
Oh my, thought Tosh. Oh my, oh my!
--
Jayne glared at Ianto.
Ianto sighed theatrically.
“I once electrocuted a man in his face.”
“…huh. I once shot a man at five hundred metres. Headshot.”
“I captured a pterodactyl.”
“On your own?”
“Well, I had help.”
It was a very odd game of one upmanship.
--
“And that’s why I’m going to kick his arse when I get back home.”
Gwen was still upset. After all, she and Rhys had been having a very good and inventive week. And then Jack decides to muck around with some alien gizmo, and…
“It’s a tricky one, I’ll admit.”
Shepard Book wasn’t quite used to dealing with time travellers, but he would manage- even if he suspected it would try his faith just a little bit.
--
In the morning, Malcom ‘I’m a captain because I have my own ship, ha!’ Reynolds was feeling a bit hung over, which was somewhat like saying that he disliked the Alliance a little bit.
Upon pulling himself up and off of whatever that was, and stumbling into a corridor, he wondered aloud,
“Where in the rutting hell are my crew?”
He found Jayne and the man from Torchwood called Ianto passed out. It seemed they had been engaged in a series of competitions.
No answers there.
So he went to the mess hall, where he found River sleeping on the table, and Kaylee and Toshiko Sato sitting at the table, like normal folks.
“Where is…everyone?”
“Sleeping, most of ‘em cap’n.” Kaylee said, sounding mighty chipper.
“The Doc?” Mal asked, amending, “Doctors?”
“I think they…went somewhere else.” Toshiko said and Mal told himself she wasn’t blushing then because no way would-
“Argh. Ow.”
“Ah, the sound of the gently awakening Jayne. What a pleasant surprise.”
Jayne scowled, and ignored his captain, went to retrieve something from the cupboards. Presumably food.
About the time he turned around, Zoe and Wash entered…with Jack ‘I’m a captain because I can survive getting shot at a lot’ Harkness in tow.
“…I’ll-” Jayne began, to be interrupted by the seemingly sleeping River, in a sing song voice,
“Be in your bunk.”
“Who says you have to be alone?” Jack asked, grinning that insufferable grin of his.
This was all a bit much for Mal.
“What the hell happened on my boat? Did everyone forget basic hygiene or something?”
“No, we used your quaint protection.” Jack said.
“You said you were from the past.”
“Well, that’s where I live and work most of the time, yeah.”
“I didn’t get laid.” Jayne said helpfully.
“My offer still stands…or you could try Ianto for that. Not sure if you should, though- I mean, you’d have me to live up to…”
“Right. That does it!” Mal said, standing up dramatically. “I…am going to call Inara, and ask for her help!”
And with that, he strode off in a dramatic fashion to the cockpit.
No one heard the sound of him dashing his shin against the doorframe. Nobody.
Author: timeywimeyball
Fandom: Torchwood, Firefly
Genre/s: Comedy
Characters/Pairing: Torchwood Three circa season two, and the crew of the Serenity
Rating: Rated L for LOL
Spoilers: None really…
Summary: For reasons best left unexplored (but are probably Jack’s fault), the entire Torchwood team have found themselves in the ship Serenity, where they are soon found by the crew. Hilarity ensues. (Hopefully.)
Disclaimer: If I owned these characters, would I write fanfic of them? Well, only if there was some really bad executive meddling and the studio stole my characters from me…fortunately enough for us all, this is not the case,
A/N: I wrote this a few days back, as a short of challenge with a friend. The rules were ‘One hour, crossover comedy, at about 500-1000 words’. I wrote 1012 in forty minutes, which might explain the sloppy and haphazard nature of the tale you are (possibly foolishly) about to read…
“Oh, you are going to get it when we come back.”
As ‘words spoken by intruders’ go, it was one of the odder ones, Malcolm Reynolds reflected. Well, at least they were somewhat noisy intruders- made it easier for them to be ambushed, which he was not going to argue.
Walking onto the gangwalk with practiced silence- Zoe had beaten that much into him, after all- he got a good look at them. They were a small group, and he could see three of them. Probably some more elsewhere, but not many.
They were dressed oddly. But, hell, maybe that was the bandit outfit to go of whatever moon- what moon WERE they on, anyway?- for whatever reason it was.
One of the three was a woman, who was arguing- or lecturing, really- a man in a longcoat. Looked uniform-ish. Not an Alliance uniform, so that was one worry out the way.
“And that’s how you will suffer for this, Jack!” The woman said, concluding a truly impressive rant at the man, who simply smiled.
“Oh, you do know how to tease me something fierce. What do you say, Ianto? Want to take lessons from-?”
“No thank you, Jack.” This voice was unseen. But at least Mal knew for sure there were more of them.
“Tosh? Any luck?” The man- Jack- asked the third visible intruder, another woman.
“No. I’m not even sure where we are.”
“Mm. Maybe we could ask the locals.” Jack said, looking up at Mal- who was shocked to be detected so easily, but not shocked enough to show it- and smiled. “How about it, then?”
--
An explanation followed.
This led to much griping by Jayne Cobb, gunman extraordinaire, and Owen Harper, medical doctor and professional complainer.
River liked the new people, which set Simon clucking over her.
Zoe glared at everyone, and steadfastly ignored her husband’s attempts to lighten the mood.
Everyone ignored the impossibility of the time travel, deciding that they were confused enough as it was without adding further complications.
Then Kaylee passed out the Engineer’s Special Brew, and everyone got happy.
--
Owen insisted on looking around Simon’s medical facilities. He complained the entire time about it’s poor condition, it’s lack of corpses to dissect, and of fun drugs to use on oneself and others.
That, and Simon Tam was just so infuriatingly pleasant, it got on his nerves.
--
“…and that’s how we escaped from the planet!”
Tosh “ooh”’d appreciatively, quite impressed with the Serenity’s chief and only engineer.
Then she felt an ear rest against her head, and a voice ask, “Brains?”
“Gah!”
“Oh, don’t worry none, that’s just River.”
“I wasn’t…I was just, ah…startled.”
“She does that.” Kaylee said understandingly. “Why, only the other day she was…now River honey, stop feeling the nice woman’s head.”
“But…her brain!”
“Come on, sit down with us, and you can talk to her. That’ll be nice, yeah?”
River contemplated this for a moment, before nodding and sitting down opposite Tosh, looking intently at her.
“I would like to get to know your brains.”
Oh my, thought Tosh. Oh my, oh my!
--
Jayne glared at Ianto.
Ianto sighed theatrically.
“I once electrocuted a man in his face.”
“…huh. I once shot a man at five hundred metres. Headshot.”
“I captured a pterodactyl.”
“On your own?”
“Well, I had help.”
It was a very odd game of one upmanship.
--
“And that’s why I’m going to kick his arse when I get back home.”
Gwen was still upset. After all, she and Rhys had been having a very good and inventive week. And then Jack decides to muck around with some alien gizmo, and…
“It’s a tricky one, I’ll admit.”
Shepard Book wasn’t quite used to dealing with time travellers, but he would manage- even if he suspected it would try his faith just a little bit.
--
In the morning, Malcom ‘I’m a captain because I have my own ship, ha!’ Reynolds was feeling a bit hung over, which was somewhat like saying that he disliked the Alliance a little bit.
Upon pulling himself up and off of whatever that was, and stumbling into a corridor, he wondered aloud,
“Where in the rutting hell are my crew?”
He found Jayne and the man from Torchwood called Ianto passed out. It seemed they had been engaged in a series of competitions.
No answers there.
So he went to the mess hall, where he found River sleeping on the table, and Kaylee and Toshiko Sato sitting at the table, like normal folks.
“Where is…everyone?”
“Sleeping, most of ‘em cap’n.” Kaylee said, sounding mighty chipper.
“The Doc?” Mal asked, amending, “Doctors?”
“I think they…went somewhere else.” Toshiko said and Mal told himself she wasn’t blushing then because no way would-
“Argh. Ow.”
“Ah, the sound of the gently awakening Jayne. What a pleasant surprise.”
Jayne scowled, and ignored his captain, went to retrieve something from the cupboards. Presumably food.
About the time he turned around, Zoe and Wash entered…with Jack ‘I’m a captain because I can survive getting shot at a lot’ Harkness in tow.
“…I’ll-” Jayne began, to be interrupted by the seemingly sleeping River, in a sing song voice,
“Be in your bunk.”
“Who says you have to be alone?” Jack asked, grinning that insufferable grin of his.
This was all a bit much for Mal.
“What the hell happened on my boat? Did everyone forget basic hygiene or something?”
“No, we used your quaint protection.” Jack said.
“You said you were from the past.”
“Well, that’s where I live and work most of the time, yeah.”
“I didn’t get laid.” Jayne said helpfully.
“My offer still stands…or you could try Ianto for that. Not sure if you should, though- I mean, you’d have me to live up to…”
“Right. That does it!” Mal said, standing up dramatically. “I…am going to call Inara, and ask for her help!”
And with that, he strode off in a dramatic fashion to the cockpit.
No one heard the sound of him dashing his shin against the doorframe. Nobody.