Hand in the Dark [RP for aces_are_rare]

[timewill_tell]

It was nearing dusk as the Doctor and and Ace walked away from the small village, home to the Trelek people. It was a small planet, harboring only that small village, and a diverse variety of flora and fauna, but as planets went, it was one of the more unremarkable ones the Doctor had encountered. In fact, he was certain he'd never even been there

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[timewill_tell]

The hours he'd spent resting had rejuvenated him somewhat, so that when he opened his eyes this time, they were only clouded with fever, not lethargy. He couldn't quite be certain why, either, but while he'd slept, he'd felt...comfort. Not bothering to move from his position, he reached for the mug. He didn't protest when Ace helped guide it to his mouth, and took a few healthy sips of the warm liquid. It had a cathartic effect on him, even in small doses, which was something he'd always appreciated about tea.

Suddenly, he remembered fleeting glimpses. Ace had been holding him again, trying to help him breathe better.

He couldn't remember this now, but last week, when they'd kissed, he hadn't actually said he loved her. He had showed it, been receptive to her declaration, but hadn't reciprocated. Perhaps that was why the admittance came so easily to him now, because the fever gave him liberties he wouldn't previously have had.

"Wonderful...beautiful," his shaky hand reached out to cover Ace's. He couldn't say as much, didn't have the strength to, but what he meant when he said beautiful was that she wasn't only physically appealing, but her very soul was the essence of goodness and meaning. He hoped, despite the fogginess of his eyes, that the sincerity and truth behind his words shone through. "My Ace...I love you..."

He smiled softly, leaning wearily against the pillows again. He had said it, and could be content, knowing this might be the first and last time he'd be able to say the words. His hand stayed on hers, not wanting to forget the feel of her skin.

[aces_are_rare]

Hearing the words, knowing he meant them, set her heart to racing. Although he had shown her how he felt a million times, and she'd understood, this past week, how he felt, it was still a thrill to hear the words spoken. They didn't come any easier for him then they did for her, and for that reason they meant even more to her. There was something, though, a tone in his voice that sounded a little too much like goodbye. She refused to listen to that part, to let it matter.

"I love you too; always and forever." It was the same promise she had given him last week, when he had asked if he could keep her 'for a good long while.' She fully planned to hold him to his words. They had a million places to see still, adventures to have, arguments and jokes and conversations to share.

Ace leaned forward and pressed her lips to the back of his hands where they rested above hers. Touch, always so important to them, was often an easier way to communicate then words and she needed to be sure he knew how she felt.

"Now do you think you can take a bit more tea? We can't have you getting dehydrated."

[timewill_tell]

The Doctor smiled at the kiss, knowing the touch conveyed everything she couldn't say. Obligingly, he drank more of the tea, taking slow sips until he'd finished it all. When at last he had drank it all, the Doctor relaxed against the pillows once more. He moved his hand, indicating he wanted her to come closer. When her face was near hers, he pressed his lips tenderly to her forehead, lingering longer than he needed to. It would be the only time she'd ever feel such warmth from one of his kisses, he realized.

As his lips were pressed to her forehead, he remembered a line from poetry he'd always adored, which felt appropriate now, "I carry your heart...with me(I carry it...in my hearts)."

He smiled faintly, amending the line to suit his purposes. When he pulled away, his expression was slightly more serious. He was sitting up, so his breathing wasn't as bad as it had been, but he still couldn't talk as easily as he would have liked.

"Ace, the TARDIS...seems to think there...might be anti...dote. She's testing herbal comb...inations on samples of...my blood."

He sighed, with obvious frustration. It took so much effort just to manage a sentence or two, it was ridiculous. But he wanted Ace to know how bad things were, and that the TARDIS was trying to find a cure. She would need Ace's help, eventually, if she managed to come up with something that worked.

"You'll have to...make it...if there is one," he spoke again, trying to catch his breath.

He pressed on, though his lungs were protesting; he looked more serious now, staring right into Ace's eyes. "Ace...there's a great chance...I might not make it..."

He couldn't think of anything else to say after that, and didn't have the strength or breath to, anyway. The Doctor rested his head against the pillows, drawing much-needed oxygen through his deprived lungs. He'd been sleeping earlier, so hadn't heard the rattling in his chest himself, and it only made him frown more. He liked it when Ace held him, he remembered that much. But she had been doing so much to comfort him, perhaps he could try doing the same for her. So, weakly, he held out his arms to her, indicating she could lay against his chest while he held her there.

[aces_are_rare]

Might not make it. Ace's first reaction was to bolt, to run as fast and far as she could, until the words no longer echoed in her mind. Only the fact that her need to stay at his side was a stronger urge kept her where she was, but still she pulled away from his touch, moving as far as she could while still remaining on the bed.

"Don't say that," she snarled, her fingers digging into her legs as all of her muscles tightened. She needed, desperately, to believe that he would get better. It was the only possibility her mind, her heart, could allow for. Ace knew that she was strong and capable - if the worst happened she could make it on her own - but she wasn't sure she'd want to. He was her center point, her touchstone, and without him she'd either feel too much or too little. She knew, without question, that without him to balance her out she wouldn't be able to hold onto the control she'd learned over the past few years. The day would come when she'd get herself in too deep and it would all end. And she'd be relieved. "Don't you dare give up on me, on us."

When he held his arms open to her all the fight drained away and she fell limply against his chest. She curled in tightly against him and closed her eyes. "The TARDIS will figure something out and you'll tell me what I need to do. We'll kick this toxin's ass just like we do every other bastard we come across."

She wished she could yank the toxin out with her own hands and pummel it; she needed a good fight.

[timewill_tell]

He berated himself for a few seconds, for voicing such a possibility aloud. He should have kept it to himself, knowing Ace would react that way. Certainly, whenever she had been hurt or ill in any way, it was enough to worry about her on his own, without someone else reminding him that things could get worse. He still thought of that time she'd been shot, and he'd been made to wait in the hospital, thinking the worst. Unconsciously, his hold on her tightened as much as it could, and he turned his face to bury his mouth against her hair.

His skin was glistening with sweat; the TARDIS had, by now, turned off the hot showers, realizing too much heat for too long wouldn't do much for his fever. Instead, light mists, accompanied with very cool air, were now blowing against his fevered skin, and it felt divine to him. He worried about Ace's comfort, and pulled the blankets further up on the bed, hoping to keep her warm with the cool air now filling the room. The TARDIS was quiet in his mind right now, though he felt her presence, like a mother hen, petting his mind. He hadn't meant to sleep so long, but his authoritative ship remarked it was obvious he needed the rest, and more. For now, he was more than happy to take advantage of this break in the fog, feeling a bit more lucid than he had for a while. He wasn't certain how delusional he might get again, and wanted to savor the time now.

"I never give up...on anything this important," the Doctor assured her, kissing the crown of her head. He would fight, and she had to know that. "I've no desire...to leave you..."

He almost called her 'beloved'; he was old-fashioned about certain things, and it was an endearment he was far more fond of in this incarnation than he ever would have been in previous lives. He'd also never found the need to call anyone that, but it seemed to suit Ace's position in his life, his hearts. But he stopped himself from saying it, because he wasn't certain she would like hearing it.

[aces_are_rare]

Ace remembered the pain that had ripped through her when Manisha had died, and knew that it would be even worse if the Professor fell to this disease. She could tell him that, though. She refused to say anything that would make him worry about her, and he would worry if he understood what his dying would do to her. And it would be a death, no matter what he'd explained to her about regeneration. The Doctor would still exist but the Professor would be dead and that might be even harder to cope with.

"Won't leave me," she said, her voice muffled by her mouth's close proximity to his chest. "I won't let you."

She allowed herself one last moment of hiding from everything, of denying everything she couldn't face, before uncurling from her position and looking at him. Her fingers trembled slightly as she touched his cheek. "If it happens.. if we can't... we'll deal with it then, yeah? Until then can we..."

She didn't know how to finish the question. Could they pretend that everything was fine? Could they live moment by moment, breath by ragged breath? Could they bury the fear?

[timewill_tell]

The Doctor's smile was melancholic, full of understanding. Desperately, he thought of anything he could do to make their present situation better, to soothe both of them. He wished he could talk; he was good at talking about anything, rambling on for hours, and maybe Ace would like that now, just to hear his voice, but it was too hard for him to speak for any length of time. He wanted to read her poetry, to tell her all the things in his hearts right now, all the things he wanted to see and do with her, but he couldn't find breath enough. There had to be something. He wished he could show her things, communicate with her in a way that didn't involve speech, if they could link their minds...but it was an invasive thing, something he wasn't sure she would welcome or want, and something he wasn't even certain he had the strength to sustain. But it would be...wonderful. He'd never done that with a human, never had any desire to.

He would do anything for her, whatever she wanted. So the Doctor's hand came up to hold her hand against his cheek, stroking her fingers to ease the trembling.

"We can do...anything," he assured her, turning his head to kiss the palm of her hand. "What shall we do...in this moment? Talk? Hold...each other?"

He wanted to dance with her, walk with her in the TARDIS gardens, even...no, he couldn't allow himself to think of that now. If only she could sense his thoughts, understand what he hoped for and wanted, since he couldn't speak those things. He was looking to her for answers. If he could be in her mind somehow, it would be easier. If he could breathe, it would be easier. He was frustrated and weary. But while he could, he would touch her as often as possible. He could still do that, at least; he could touch her and kiss her and hold her.

[aces_are_rare]

Once upon a time Ace had been horrible with words. She'd shouted small eloquent phrases like 'toe rag' and 'bilge bag' and hidden inside anger and behind explosions. Over the years she'd learned how to work around her emotions, using words in a pale echo of the Professor's skill, talking and making plans and convincing people to do what she wanted on the merits of her speech alone. Now, though, she was falling backwards into old habits, her words lost inside her fear and anger.

Anything, he'd said, but she knew it wasn't true. They couldn't wander the hall aimlessly, opening doors at random and discovering what surprised the TARDIS held for them. They couldn't go to some little English pub and hide in a corner booth for hours, holding hands and telling stories. They couldn't watch a lightning storm dance across the sky, feeling the thunder reverberate under their feet. Those were things that existed, if they did at all, in their future.

"Can we lay here, just like this, for a little while? I need..." She hated to waste this moment of his lucidity, but other then the few moments in the chair she hadn't slept at all, and her eyes were so heavy. She tried to smother a yawn, with little success. "Just for a little while."

[timewill_tell]

Her answer was almost a relief to him; it was something he could do, simply lay there and hold her. There were so many things he wanted to do right now, but they seemed so intangible, so impossible. And he hated believing that anything was impossible. The Doctor had no idea how much time had passed since they'd first returned to the TARDIS, and now, but it had very likely been quite some time. And knowing Ace, she hadn't slept, which bothered him deeply. He had no thought for himself as he held her closer, only concerned with doing what he could to allow her some much-needed rest.

He would have hummed if he'd had the strength, but he thought of something nearly as good; carefully, the Doctor moved Ace's head so that it rested near his hearts, hoping that the sound would reassure her in some way, allow her to sleep while she knew he was all right. With one arm wrapped around her, he used his free hand to stroke her hair, his fingers caressing her forehead.

"This is...just what I need," he whispered hoarsely, smiling against her forehead. In truth, it felt wonderful to simply hold her, and he was determined to savor it as long as he could. He liked the idea of being able to watch over her for a bit, it made him feel empowered in some way. "Rest, beloved."

As soon as he said the word, he worried; but it had been said, and he couldn't take it back. In fact, it felt so natural to say it that he couldn't muster the energy to chide himself. Instead, he held her just as tightly, hoping his caresses against her head would put her to sleep.

[aces_are_rare]

Ace rested with her head against his hearts, their pulse a comforting rhythm. As long as they continued to beat everything - or at least the most important things - in her world were as they should be. Her eyes, already half closed, lowered completely and she snuggled closer to him. I little rest, just a bit of a kip, wouldn't be a bad idea. If his breathing worsened she would be the first to know.

Caught on the edge of sleep she heard the word beloved, but wasn't sure if it had been spoken aloud or was a random synapse firing in her brain. It made her frown, just a little; not because she didn't like the word, but becasue it seemed so ill suited to herself. She was all harsh edges and loud noises and beloved spoke of lace and softness and gentleness. It spoke of the Professor, though, and that was enough.

Ace fell deeper asleep, down a rabbit's hole, past clocks and blue boxes and water drops. She dreamed of warm fires and giant catapillars that changed into different coloured catapillars instead of butterflies. She danced with the Professor until Hex broke in, followed by Benny and Bev and the Brig and Liam, each person taking her farther from the Professor. They spun in a circle and she looked back, finding Manisha standing next to the TARDIT dressed all in white with a familiar looking fedora on her head. She couldn't see the Professor anywhere.

"Where are you?" She pulled herself from the dream, her eyes coming open at a speed that temporarily blinded her when the light flooded in. The duel beating of two hearts helped her to shake off the dream.

[timewill_tell]

The Doctor had remained awake while Ace slept, feeling it was the least he could do for her. And for this brief interim, he didn't feel quite as tired as he had been. His hand had continued stroking through her hair, down her back, and he felt her stiffen, her sleep becoming more troubled.

"I'm here, Ace," he assured her in a quiet voice, when she started awake. He soothed her brow with his thumb, trying to coax her back to sleep. "Not leaving you. Go...back to sleep."

He was quite worried about her lack of sleep, and briefly contemplated using his mind to induce sleep for her, if she tried to resist. He realized by doing that he might incur a great deal of anger from her, but it was a possibility nonetheless. His other thought was trying to stumble his way to the console and see if the TARDIS had any news for him. He was tired of being helpless, he had to do something for himself, and he didn't want to continue to rely on Ace so much. It wasn't fair to her, it was wearing her out.

"I'll be here...when you wake," he echoed the words she'd said to him so long ago.

[aces_are_rare]

"Naff catapillers," she muttered, already slipping back into sleep again. "Maybe I should dump milkshakes on their heads. Worked last time."

Her hand fell slightly, finding a resting place on his side, just at the bottom of his rib cage. Subconsciously, perhaps, she picked that as the best place to feel his lungs expand and contract, monitoring him even in her sleep. It might have been the slow stroking of her hair or the promise in his words but she was able to get a few hours of good sleep before the dreams seeped into her mind again.

For the first time in over a year she dreamt of a cold stone cell, of being alone and helpless. She saw a leering grin and felt the touch of hands making her dirty. Dark eyes glowed with promises to be kept, favours owed.

Ace struggled against the arm that had her pinned down, forgetting until she fell against the bed that it was the Professor holding her.

"Sorry," she apologised sheepishly.

[timewill_tell]

"Hmm?" He rumbled, starting to drift towards sleep once more himself. Nightmares, he realized, trying to open his eyes further. The Doctor turned his head to cough violently, trying to move the fluid in his lungs, to no avail. He drew a sharp, deep breath, regulating it somewhat, though it remained uneven, a harsher rattle beneath his ribs.

"I can...help you sleep," he murmured drowsily. "No bad dreams...only sleep. You...need it."

His fever had remained at a steady level for the last few hours, which he'd been grateful for. It was rising again, he could feel, and his thoughts were beginning to lose coherency. He almost didn't want Ace to be conscious for this anymore, as he continued to get worse. Maybe it would be better for her to sleep, so she didn't have to be witness to his spiking temperature, his gasps for breath. It was the only comfort he could give her now. His fingers stroked against her brow, already trying to induce sleep, to quiet her mind so the nightmares fled and she could slumber peacefully. He hoped she wouldn't resist.

[aces_are_rare]

She sat still, concentrating on the Professor's fingers, letting the dream fade away until it receded to the back of her mind where it crouched in the shadows. She knew it was there, that it would come back again, but not soon. She never had that particular nightmare very often, though it generally threw her off for days when she did. Now she had other things to worry about.

She leaned against him, drowsy once again. It was only when she noticed that his gentle touches were not confined to her brow that she pulled away. She could feel him in her mind, lulling her into sleep.

"Oi! Don't do that." Once she might have accused him of being manipulative, but now she understood that he was only trying to help. That didn't mean she had to like it.

"I'll sleep when I want to sleep, yeah?" She touched his nose gently so he knew that she wasn't angry and climbed down from the bed. She needed to stretch her legs a little - curled up on someone's lap wasn't the best way to sleep, even if she had needed it at the time - but more importantly she needed to use the loo.

Ace used the toilet and contemplated a quick shower but settled for washing her face with cold water. Thirsty, she filled up a cup with water and drained it in three long gulps before returning to the bedroom.

[timewill_tell]

By the time she'd returned, the Doctor had drifted further into the chaos of his mind, away from reality once more. He was more agitated and restless than he'd previously been, thinking he needed to get to the console room for some reason. Though he didn't have the strength to make it there, he still tried to sit up, almost tumbling out of the bed as he rolled sideways. He was mumbling nonsensically, his words occasionally cut off by lack of breath.

"Time...strange business...I'm sorry, Ace...Ace," he tried to sit up again, more fitful now, "forgive me...Ace...you're my--my...my girl..."

Though he was weak, the TARDIS was alarmed that his agitation might cause him to accidentally harm himself or Ace in some way. Through their symbiotic link, the TARDIS infiltrated the Doctor's mind, quieting his thoughts as he so often did for others. Forcefully, she began to lull him to sleep, as he'd tried to do with Ace. The TARDIS had finally managed to come up with an herbal concoction she thought was their best chance in helping to flush the toxin from the Doctor's system. But in order for Ace to make it, they both had to be sure that the Doctor could be left alone without trying to stumble out of bed and hurt himself. So she quieted him, humming a lullaby in his mind as she forced him into slumber. His resistance, though weak, made it slightly more difficult for her.

"No, no..." The Doctor tried to protest, feeling his ship pushing him towards unconsciousness. Ace was here, not there, and he wanted to be wherever Ace was. He reached for Ace's hand, as though hoping the touch would be enough to keep him awake. "I don't want...I want to...stay here..."

Finally, his eyes slid closed, his limp hand falling away from its grip on Ace's hand. The TARDIS hoped it hadn't alarmed Ace, but she was fairly certain the young woman was smart enough to realize what had happened. Now, the more difficult task at hand was trying to direct Ace to the console room.

[aces_are_rare]

"Professor, what the...." Ace raced to the bed, reaching for him as he struggled. She tired to hold onto his hand, frightened by his protest that something was trying to take hm away. She wouldn't let it.

"Don't..." Something suddenly felt familiar. Maybe it was the fact that he had just tried to do the same thing to her, but it felt as if he had been fighting sleep. He was asleep not, still breathing, resting easier then he had been. He no longer thrashed on the bed, coming close to falling.

"Was that you? Do you play those Jedi mind games too?" Though she knew the TARDIS was surrounding her she looked up the the ceiling. "I get it, if it was, but can you let me know for sure?"