Major Change.
"ughhhhhhhhhhh."
I moan to myself as I struggle to keep my drooping eyes, just on the brink of surrender, focused on the merciless diff eq/mae/physics problem lauging at my confusion.
"Damn problem.... I... won't... let... you...... win....."
I stare stupidly a little longer, but my brain has already shut off and I realize that there's no way I'll figure this problem out... let alone the four more I haven't even looked at yet.....
...fuck this sucks.....
and that pretty much sums up my past few weeks.
As much as I abosolute HATE the idea of dropping a class, it dawned on me that it was probably a must if I wanted to keep my sanity. But because of my perfectionism and the thought of letting this "suicide" aerospace major get the best of me, I stuck with it and tortured myself some more.
This weekend, when I finally got a moment to think of something other then secondary ordinary differential equations, electric fields and fluxes and oh so many vectors, I realized I was torturing myself for all the wrong reasons.
I'm not gonna lie, I love airplanes and I think they're freaking awesome and would like to fully grasp how they fly some day, but what I want to do most with them, is fly, no strings attached, just... fly. And I realized, I really don't think I'm meant to be an Aerospace Engineer.
After High School I didn't really know what I wanted to do. Engineering made sense, I liked Airplanes and my brother did it so I thought, what the hell Aero Engineering sounds good. Plus, I also liked the idea of going into a really hard major, a major that people always seemed to be impressed with whenever I told them I was studying it; I guess it made me feel more important, elite even. Like I was taking on a beast only few could conquer. My pride and my perfectionism took over, "pfft, Aerospace Engineering, I got this!"
Mind you, it. is. tough. Never have I faced anything quite like this. My perseverence has never failed me before, but as I take a peek at my handy dandy google calendar and plan out the hours and hours... and hours of homework I have lined up for me, not to mention other responsibilites for PASA I have to attend to, I feel disheartened--beaten. My drive, my pride, my unwillingness to accept defeat is the only thing pushing me forward... I realize now that there are battles that we're not meant to win. I realize that I was fighting on simply to make myself me feel better about myself. I realized I was to taking the hard route for the sake of saying that I took the hard route. I just liked the idea of calling myself an Engineer, an Aerospace Engineer, but I realized I wasn't meant to be one.
I like math. I like science. I think they're facinating. But neither allow for much creativity. Both are very technical fields that I just simply need to understand. All of my classes revolve around drilling all these profound concepts into my head. I feel imprisoned, contained, like I have no room to breate or have fun. I felt smothered and even if I dropped a class to lighten my load, I don't think I would have felt fulfilled. Again, I don't think Aerospace and me are meant to be...
So I'm thinking of changing my Major.
I want to be an Architect. Not because it's a difficult, respectable major, nor because my brother did it( or didn't do it, rather), but because I want to do it. So instead of doing my homework today I researched what Architectures do exactly. I really like the freedom of it, how it lets me indulge in my creative side while still giving me the power to create. I've always wanted to do something with some artistic component to it and, I don't know, architecture seems to fit me. It reminds me of engineering, but a lot less technical. From what I hear it's supposed to be a really hard major too, but when things get tough, as I'm sure they will, I feel that my motivation and will to fight on will be for the right reasons this time: because I WANT to continue and not just because I'm a psycho perfectionist that likes to make his life harder that it has to be for the sake living a hard life. =P
I'm planning to talk to the advisors of the College of Design on Monday to get more information and make sure this is really what I want to do. But I feel good. For once I'm not indecisive about this one. Wow, that is actually REALLY weird, but I guess that's a good thing!
Anyways, I figured this was news worth posting. We'll see what Monday brings. =D
I moan to myself as I struggle to keep my drooping eyes, just on the brink of surrender, focused on the merciless diff eq/mae/physics problem lauging at my confusion.
"Damn problem.... I... won't... let... you...... win....."
I stare stupidly a little longer, but my brain has already shut off and I realize that there's no way I'll figure this problem out... let alone the four more I haven't even looked at yet.....
...fuck this sucks.....
and that pretty much sums up my past few weeks.
As much as I abosolute HATE the idea of dropping a class, it dawned on me that it was probably a must if I wanted to keep my sanity. But because of my perfectionism and the thought of letting this "suicide" aerospace major get the best of me, I stuck with it and tortured myself some more.
This weekend, when I finally got a moment to think of something other then secondary ordinary differential equations, electric fields and fluxes and oh so many vectors, I realized I was torturing myself for all the wrong reasons.
I'm not gonna lie, I love airplanes and I think they're freaking awesome and would like to fully grasp how they fly some day, but what I want to do most with them, is fly, no strings attached, just... fly. And I realized, I really don't think I'm meant to be an Aerospace Engineer.
After High School I didn't really know what I wanted to do. Engineering made sense, I liked Airplanes and my brother did it so I thought, what the hell Aero Engineering sounds good. Plus, I also liked the idea of going into a really hard major, a major that people always seemed to be impressed with whenever I told them I was studying it; I guess it made me feel more important, elite even. Like I was taking on a beast only few could conquer. My pride and my perfectionism took over, "pfft, Aerospace Engineering, I got this!"
Mind you, it. is. tough. Never have I faced anything quite like this. My perseverence has never failed me before, but as I take a peek at my handy dandy google calendar and plan out the hours and hours... and hours of homework I have lined up for me, not to mention other responsibilites for PASA I have to attend to, I feel disheartened--beaten. My drive, my pride, my unwillingness to accept defeat is the only thing pushing me forward... I realize now that there are battles that we're not meant to win. I realize that I was fighting on simply to make myself me feel better about myself. I realized I was to taking the hard route for the sake of saying that I took the hard route. I just liked the idea of calling myself an Engineer, an Aerospace Engineer, but I realized I wasn't meant to be one.
I like math. I like science. I think they're facinating. But neither allow for much creativity. Both are very technical fields that I just simply need to understand. All of my classes revolve around drilling all these profound concepts into my head. I feel imprisoned, contained, like I have no room to breate or have fun. I felt smothered and even if I dropped a class to lighten my load, I don't think I would have felt fulfilled. Again, I don't think Aerospace and me are meant to be...
So I'm thinking of changing my Major.
I want to be an Architect. Not because it's a difficult, respectable major, nor because my brother did it( or didn't do it, rather), but because I want to do it. So instead of doing my homework today I researched what Architectures do exactly. I really like the freedom of it, how it lets me indulge in my creative side while still giving me the power to create. I've always wanted to do something with some artistic component to it and, I don't know, architecture seems to fit me. It reminds me of engineering, but a lot less technical. From what I hear it's supposed to be a really hard major too, but when things get tough, as I'm sure they will, I feel that my motivation and will to fight on will be for the right reasons this time: because I WANT to continue and not just because I'm a psycho perfectionist that likes to make his life harder that it has to be for the sake living a hard life. =P
I'm planning to talk to the advisors of the College of Design on Monday to get more information and make sure this is really what I want to do. But I feel good. For once I'm not indecisive about this one. Wow, that is actually REALLY weird, but I guess that's a good thing!
Anyways, I figured this was news worth posting. We'll see what Monday brings. =D