Theory.
Today made me think about an issue that's getting ever closer to the surface...
...and it all originates with her.
I know that I've almost got her, but there's been conflicts in morality.
It started yesterday around the time I went home from school. I opened the fridge, and that was when the question hit me:
"Could I really do better? Even me?"
I opened my can of Coke, thinking about that question. I mean, sure, Nicki says she still loves me, and she watches me during Drama practice (at least everyone in Pit can vouch for that), but when push comes to shove, I'm her sloppy second. Her silver medal. She'll stay with Bartos because he's the guy that can feel through her and cuddle with her at a moment's notice, and she'll sell herself to that. She says she's not pregnant, but periodically, others ask me if she is. Even I've noticed that her stomach wasn't this big before. I can't, and that's why I'll fall short every time. She says she loves both me and him for different reasons. I haven't heard any of them. At this point, I doubt I ever will.
I'm no girl's silver medal. I refuse. I've been operating under the idea that maybe somehow, through some miracle, she'll come back as she was before things really mutated into hell and changed her mind and body forever.
But if the evidence is pointing to the fact that I'm wasting my time again, and that I'm never gonna be good enough...what's to stop me from looking around again? I know what I look for in girls now, and it's Nicki. The Nicki I fell in love with over two years ago, not what she twisted herself into. I tried saving her, but when I think about the events that led to our relationship's demise, I was too late before it even began. Her path of life already forced her down, and there's no way you can turn back...just as my path took me where I am today.
Then again, this is Josh Crummer we're talking about here. He doesn't get girls often, or ever. He gets more rejections in the course of two months than most guys get in their lifetimes. There's certain qualities he looks for, and after Nicki's breakup, he's found only the barest glimmers in others, but they don't quite come close to the real thing. The real thing is gone as well, consumed by everything she holds most dear (even if it is poisonous). I've come to the conclusion that whomever it was that I fell in love with in her has left and entered someone else. I can make Nicki remember who she was, but I doubt I can make her live it again. No one can. That's probably what breaks my heart the most: that she's never coming back. If she does, it won't be in that body...or in this town. She sold her soul to him and to her activities, and the chains that bind her in place have only strengthened in my absence.
I've grown powerful ever since she tried to banish me from Freeland, but I'll never be powerful enough to break those shackles. She says that I'm just imagining all this. It's probably for her best interest that she doesn't know what she set herself up for. Lord knows I've tried to make it apparent. Her fat b/f won't know. He's too dumb to possibly comprehend all this.
She threw herself in a pool of oblivion, and I did nothing to initiate it. So why do I feel so broken up about still!? It's been a fucking year and three weeks!
...and it all originates with her.
I know that I've almost got her, but there's been conflicts in morality.
It started yesterday around the time I went home from school. I opened the fridge, and that was when the question hit me:
"Could I really do better? Even me?"
I opened my can of Coke, thinking about that question. I mean, sure, Nicki says she still loves me, and she watches me during Drama practice (at least everyone in Pit can vouch for that), but when push comes to shove, I'm her sloppy second. Her silver medal. She'll stay with Bartos because he's the guy that can feel through her and cuddle with her at a moment's notice, and she'll sell herself to that. She says she's not pregnant, but periodically, others ask me if she is. Even I've noticed that her stomach wasn't this big before. I can't, and that's why I'll fall short every time. She says she loves both me and him for different reasons. I haven't heard any of them. At this point, I doubt I ever will.
I'm no girl's silver medal. I refuse. I've been operating under the idea that maybe somehow, through some miracle, she'll come back as she was before things really mutated into hell and changed her mind and body forever.
But if the evidence is pointing to the fact that I'm wasting my time again, and that I'm never gonna be good enough...what's to stop me from looking around again? I know what I look for in girls now, and it's Nicki. The Nicki I fell in love with over two years ago, not what she twisted herself into. I tried saving her, but when I think about the events that led to our relationship's demise, I was too late before it even began. Her path of life already forced her down, and there's no way you can turn back...just as my path took me where I am today.
Then again, this is Josh Crummer we're talking about here. He doesn't get girls often, or ever. He gets more rejections in the course of two months than most guys get in their lifetimes. There's certain qualities he looks for, and after Nicki's breakup, he's found only the barest glimmers in others, but they don't quite come close to the real thing. The real thing is gone as well, consumed by everything she holds most dear (even if it is poisonous). I've come to the conclusion that whomever it was that I fell in love with in her has left and entered someone else. I can make Nicki remember who she was, but I doubt I can make her live it again. No one can. That's probably what breaks my heart the most: that she's never coming back. If she does, it won't be in that body...or in this town. She sold her soul to him and to her activities, and the chains that bind her in place have only strengthened in my absence.
I've grown powerful ever since she tried to banish me from Freeland, but I'll never be powerful enough to break those shackles. She says that I'm just imagining all this. It's probably for her best interest that she doesn't know what she set herself up for. Lord knows I've tried to make it apparent. Her fat b/f won't know. He's too dumb to possibly comprehend all this.
She threw herself in a pool of oblivion, and I did nothing to initiate it. So why do I feel so broken up about still!? It's been a fucking year and three weeks!