I dont have words
So this is my first real blog in forever...but its for a reason, I only put up actual blogs when I need to vent and wrighting about it publicly is the only way I have.... Ok.
So the last few weeks have been really tough on me, my car died tuesday the 7th. This was expected and I thought I was prepared but sadly, no. In fact I was about a week late in my actions. Since I have paid for the new engine and transmission for my car, the friday before it died, I have had little or no word on where it is. Come to find out the shipping compan, Central Transport, lost the crate the new go fast bits were in and only got them back on track yesterday. So a week off scheduel and even more weeks out of any real pay, things get worse.
This week had been hell. I have had access to a car on some days which is good because I can work in the office and make some dough, but bad because now everything wrong with my moms car is suddenly my fault, and I mean everything, problems that have been arouns since we bought the fucking car are all of a sudden my fault. Also all these days out of work and at home what has happened to the prep work for my car? Nothing! Not a single fucking thing has gone and been done! My fault you say? Well not entirely no. My father is the one who give the go ahead on any work I do in the garage because after all its "his" garage, not that he pays the bills or anything but thats another paragraph. Now I could have just gone and done things on my own but then of course I would have done it all wrong and would have to hear another week of bullshit from my father. I could have gotten a little done and almost did, I told my mom that it was a good idea to have my car all cleaned up and stripped out when the new engine/trans gets her. That way instalation would go quick and the car would be back on the road before out trip to maine next thursday. Of course my mom seeing the logic in that, her being the parent of superior intelect, motivation, and realistic planning, relayed that to my father so he would be inclined to let me get to work. Well the one afternoon he said I could work on my car, after I finished rolling it into the garage and getting jack stands out, he then decided he needs to rotate my moms tires and check the wheel bearings that are going bad. So I have to then help him for 3 hours and once we are done I can go to work. But, oh wait, that was also the one night I had to be somewhere hmm I wonder how I could work on my car if I'm not home...
So basically my car has sat in the yard since that tuesday.
Parts have been another thing for my car that has caused alot of drama. Now my dad knows alot about cars. He has been working on motors for over 40 years(mind you hez only 50 in november), he knows his shit. But when it comes to my car, I do know alot more than he does, because I have access to the worlds largest shop maual, the internet, and I also know how to use it. And since I have been reasurching Subarus , my car in specific, for the last 3 years I happen to know a thing or two he doesnt. Well alot of stuff has gone smoothly, all the basic shit I got without much heat from him. But! Shit like the engine well I wanted to build the engine, put a stronger block and better flowing heads and advanced cams together into a engine that would make 200+hp and still be reliable as factory. Now I had it all lined up and set but then between the shit that happend and the heat from him I started to downsize. So we went with a newly-rebuilt engine and a low miles trans. Fine. Then onto the radiator, fucking hell when I say its a better part than stock its a better part than stock. Something that will help a car live longer like a better cooling radiator are good things to have, as are engine and transmission oil coolers. When I say they will extend the life of the engine about 50-70k miles they will, especially when i have proof from people who build cars for a living everyday. But of course everything I sid was wrong and I had to fight him the whole way....All the while missin that is my car, my money, and what I say is going to happen, is going to happen!
Now my mom went on a buisness trip this week from thurday till today. I've had the car and have driven to work so I could work in the office. Well one day the power went out and it messed up my alarm clock so that I've been up late 2 days in a row. Now I get all sorts of shit over not being able to get up and being irresponcible... Well I'm sorry I have only had the time to figure out the issue with the clock tonight. Because you see two of the members of this family have to go to work every day.....mom leaves at 6:30am I leave at 9am, hmm I wonder which one of us is left to be the one who doesnt have a real job???????? Well anyway. So last night he was drinking and I got on him about that because he was home all day nothing inside was done(dishes, vaccuming, laundry, dinner, ect ect ect), and so after busting my ass 8 hours, I had to bust it some more. Well this morning was the icing on the cake of my I'm so pissed off and really really ingeneral upset. I wake up to my phone ringing it was 8:40am... I get up and hes on the phone(with whome I find out later was my mom) and also mixing a alkaseltzer. Well my cell gets no service here and after trying 3 times to call me they stop calling. Finally after 10 minutes of me telling him that work just called 3 times somethings wrong I need to call in let me use the phone he hangs up.. Then starts screaming at me that it was mom and bla bla bla, well she told me that if he told her what was up she would have hung up so I could call in. Any way I call in and Bob T. is saying I needed to be in at 8:30. Of course I'm supposed to be in at 10 Sara was supposed to be dropped off at 830 or 9 so Bob could get going and make his runs. So I fly to get my shit together and get out the door. No coffee, no food, no shower. Anyway I get into the car and the wheel lock wont disengage, I freak out thinking something is wrong then I realize I had the wrong keys I run back in grab the right keys and my dad corners me and start reaming me out. Yelling at me very loudly aout how I cant get up in the morning, how I stay up to late, how I dont do anything, how I dont pay attention to life, how I dont work hard enough, and on and on and on. I pull away in tears. I came the closest I've ever come to hitting my dad and meaning to really hurt him. Now I've hit him before in jest and sorta seriously but I think it I did today I would have either killed him or he would seriously hurt me. We may not look it but when my dad and I get going we go nuts and one of us would have definately been going to the hospital. I pulled out the driveway, and was seriously crying hard, and thinking things I shouldn't.
Work was fine but once I got home it all started again, and we have been at each others throats the whole nite.
Now I love my mom but I wont put her through this. So its going to come down to it tonight either my father and I work out our issues with each other, or I'm going to leave as soon as I get the chance. Fuck it all.
If your still reading I'm sure you are thinking wow emo much or wtf is ur issue this isnt that bad. Well than you really have no idea who I am, I'll tell you that right now. If you knew me you would know that I wouldn't wright anything unless it needed to be written. That goes for people both on LJ and myspace..
So the last few weeks have been really tough on me, my car died tuesday the 7th. This was expected and I thought I was prepared but sadly, no. In fact I was about a week late in my actions. Since I have paid for the new engine and transmission for my car, the friday before it died, I have had little or no word on where it is. Come to find out the shipping compan, Central Transport, lost the crate the new go fast bits were in and only got them back on track yesterday. So a week off scheduel and even more weeks out of any real pay, things get worse.
This week had been hell. I have had access to a car on some days which is good because I can work in the office and make some dough, but bad because now everything wrong with my moms car is suddenly my fault, and I mean everything, problems that have been arouns since we bought the fucking car are all of a sudden my fault. Also all these days out of work and at home what has happened to the prep work for my car? Nothing! Not a single fucking thing has gone and been done! My fault you say? Well not entirely no. My father is the one who give the go ahead on any work I do in the garage because after all its "his" garage, not that he pays the bills or anything but thats another paragraph. Now I could have just gone and done things on my own but then of course I would have done it all wrong and would have to hear another week of bullshit from my father. I could have gotten a little done and almost did, I told my mom that it was a good idea to have my car all cleaned up and stripped out when the new engine/trans gets her. That way instalation would go quick and the car would be back on the road before out trip to maine next thursday. Of course my mom seeing the logic in that, her being the parent of superior intelect, motivation, and realistic planning, relayed that to my father so he would be inclined to let me get to work. Well the one afternoon he said I could work on my car, after I finished rolling it into the garage and getting jack stands out, he then decided he needs to rotate my moms tires and check the wheel bearings that are going bad. So I have to then help him for 3 hours and once we are done I can go to work. But, oh wait, that was also the one night I had to be somewhere hmm I wonder how I could work on my car if I'm not home...
So basically my car has sat in the yard since that tuesday.
Parts have been another thing for my car that has caused alot of drama. Now my dad knows alot about cars. He has been working on motors for over 40 years(mind you hez only 50 in november), he knows his shit. But when it comes to my car, I do know alot more than he does, because I have access to the worlds largest shop maual, the internet, and I also know how to use it. And since I have been reasurching Subarus , my car in specific, for the last 3 years I happen to know a thing or two he doesnt. Well alot of stuff has gone smoothly, all the basic shit I got without much heat from him. But! Shit like the engine well I wanted to build the engine, put a stronger block and better flowing heads and advanced cams together into a engine that would make 200+hp and still be reliable as factory. Now I had it all lined up and set but then between the shit that happend and the heat from him I started to downsize. So we went with a newly-rebuilt engine and a low miles trans. Fine. Then onto the radiator, fucking hell when I say its a better part than stock its a better part than stock. Something that will help a car live longer like a better cooling radiator are good things to have, as are engine and transmission oil coolers. When I say they will extend the life of the engine about 50-70k miles they will, especially when i have proof from people who build cars for a living everyday. But of course everything I sid was wrong and I had to fight him the whole way....All the while missin that is my car, my money, and what I say is going to happen, is going to happen!
Now my mom went on a buisness trip this week from thurday till today. I've had the car and have driven to work so I could work in the office. Well one day the power went out and it messed up my alarm clock so that I've been up late 2 days in a row. Now I get all sorts of shit over not being able to get up and being irresponcible... Well I'm sorry I have only had the time to figure out the issue with the clock tonight. Because you see two of the members of this family have to go to work every day.....mom leaves at 6:30am I leave at 9am, hmm I wonder which one of us is left to be the one who doesnt have a real job???????? Well anyway. So last night he was drinking and I got on him about that because he was home all day nothing inside was done(dishes, vaccuming, laundry, dinner, ect ect ect), and so after busting my ass 8 hours, I had to bust it some more. Well this morning was the icing on the cake of my I'm so pissed off and really really ingeneral upset. I wake up to my phone ringing it was 8:40am... I get up and hes on the phone(with whome I find out later was my mom) and also mixing a alkaseltzer. Well my cell gets no service here and after trying 3 times to call me they stop calling. Finally after 10 minutes of me telling him that work just called 3 times somethings wrong I need to call in let me use the phone he hangs up.. Then starts screaming at me that it was mom and bla bla bla, well she told me that if he told her what was up she would have hung up so I could call in. Any way I call in and Bob T. is saying I needed to be in at 8:30. Of course I'm supposed to be in at 10 Sara was supposed to be dropped off at 830 or 9 so Bob could get going and make his runs. So I fly to get my shit together and get out the door. No coffee, no food, no shower. Anyway I get into the car and the wheel lock wont disengage, I freak out thinking something is wrong then I realize I had the wrong keys I run back in grab the right keys and my dad corners me and start reaming me out. Yelling at me very loudly aout how I cant get up in the morning, how I stay up to late, how I dont do anything, how I dont pay attention to life, how I dont work hard enough, and on and on and on. I pull away in tears. I came the closest I've ever come to hitting my dad and meaning to really hurt him. Now I've hit him before in jest and sorta seriously but I think it I did today I would have either killed him or he would seriously hurt me. We may not look it but when my dad and I get going we go nuts and one of us would have definately been going to the hospital. I pulled out the driveway, and was seriously crying hard, and thinking things I shouldn't.
Work was fine but once I got home it all started again, and we have been at each others throats the whole nite.
Now I love my mom but I wont put her through this. So its going to come down to it tonight either my father and I work out our issues with each other, or I'm going to leave as soon as I get the chance. Fuck it all.
If your still reading I'm sure you are thinking wow emo much or wtf is ur issue this isnt that bad. Well than you really have no idea who I am, I'll tell you that right now. If you knew me you would know that I wouldn't wright anything unless it needed to be written. That goes for people both on LJ and myspace..