Disconnect/Spiral
Many times I feel stuck in a single moment. I don't think that the past was real or that the future is coming. I don't want to sleep now and I don't want to wake up later. My memories seem like weird movies I watched or someone told me about. I feel less and less connected to much of anything as time goes on. I realize that even if things were to turn around for me instantly, if all the things I want to see happen in my life were made manifest, I'd still be bummed out that I hadn't had them before now. Even then, I'd still be disappointed because I would still not have lived the kind of life I'd have wanted to live.
More and more, I realize that the things I want in life are pipe dreams, ones that I don't have the drive to work toward or the constitution to maintain them even if I did. I've wanted to live in a place like New York, but I know that NY would chew me up and spit me out. I've been studying Political Science, but I know that anything politics or law would drive me off a cliff in anger: I just can't handle all the bullshit and doublespeak.
I know that my personality is pretty intense, and I'm not really sure how to chill it out without being almost totally withdrawn. In a way I think that's worse than just being outspoken in the first place: When I'm always up, you know that's just how I am, whereas if I'm quiet first and then worked up later I think the transition is more shocking. My almost complete lack of friends here should serve as evidence that I'm not really capable of making meaningful connections with people at this point in life.
The way I see it, I've gotten down from being single and lonely. Now that I'm down, I come off a certain way, which I can't really help. That drives people away more, which pisses me off more and brings me down further. This drives people away more, etc, forever.
I've almost completely given up on classes this term. I don't really know where to start or what to do. I still haven't gotten this paperwork obstacle sorted out to let me drop my class. I feel certain that when I do, they're going to tell me that I have waited too long and I won't be able to drop my history class, which will drag my GPA down, even though I tried to drop it like a month ago. I just wish I had someone to help me with this tedious shit.
I hate going out and feeling scared to talk to people. Since I haven't been drinking it's been even worse. When I was drinking, I would still get depressed, but about a quarter of the time I would feel confident and take a chance on people. Now I'm just always too nervous or whatever. I'm tired of alpha-types telling me that I just have to forget it and try anyway, because the fact is that for them it doesn't matter as much because they're more readily accepted. When I get told to fuck off so much it really does mean something different to me. Fuck.
More and more, I realize that the things I want in life are pipe dreams, ones that I don't have the drive to work toward or the constitution to maintain them even if I did. I've wanted to live in a place like New York, but I know that NY would chew me up and spit me out. I've been studying Political Science, but I know that anything politics or law would drive me off a cliff in anger: I just can't handle all the bullshit and doublespeak.
I know that my personality is pretty intense, and I'm not really sure how to chill it out without being almost totally withdrawn. In a way I think that's worse than just being outspoken in the first place: When I'm always up, you know that's just how I am, whereas if I'm quiet first and then worked up later I think the transition is more shocking. My almost complete lack of friends here should serve as evidence that I'm not really capable of making meaningful connections with people at this point in life.
The way I see it, I've gotten down from being single and lonely. Now that I'm down, I come off a certain way, which I can't really help. That drives people away more, which pisses me off more and brings me down further. This drives people away more, etc, forever.
I've almost completely given up on classes this term. I don't really know where to start or what to do. I still haven't gotten this paperwork obstacle sorted out to let me drop my class. I feel certain that when I do, they're going to tell me that I have waited too long and I won't be able to drop my history class, which will drag my GPA down, even though I tried to drop it like a month ago. I just wish I had someone to help me with this tedious shit.
I hate going out and feeling scared to talk to people. Since I haven't been drinking it's been even worse. When I was drinking, I would still get depressed, but about a quarter of the time I would feel confident and take a chance on people. Now I'm just always too nervous or whatever. I'm tired of alpha-types telling me that I just have to forget it and try anyway, because the fact is that for them it doesn't matter as much because they're more readily accepted. When I get told to fuck off so much it really does mean something different to me. Fuck.