I hate Saturdays
It seems like ever since I got here, I absolutely hate Saturdays; I always wake up in a crappy mood, but I know why and I still can't help it. I always hope that a friend will just call out of the blue; it seems like unless I make the call, I don't ever get one. Personally, I'm tired of it and I really don't feel like calling anyone anymore, because the way I see it... if *certain people don't feel like calling, then why bother keeping in touch. So that's why I dread saturdays, and the weekend as a whole; at least the week keeps me busy from thinking about/hoping/wishing I'd get that "hey, just wanted to say hi" call- even if it were just 5 mins. I've already lost my best friend, it hurt, but I live with it... because friendships are a 2-way relationship. ::Shrug:: maybe I expect too much, maybe I think about/worry about it too much- it just hurts when it's those people I'm really close with, and I can't even get a call in a month. I almost want to be a complete asshole and cut communication with everyone, just to see how long it takes for someone to pick up the phone, or write a letter; family included. I want to do it out of curiousity... because I wonder... if they don't keep in touch with me now... why would they keep in touch with me in Korea when I CAN'T make calls to everyone, and I CAN'T write letters and send them as often/easily. Yea, I'm strongly considering going there- I volunteer and I'm gone as of next December or January; not to mention, I could get deployed this Sept.
Maybe it's wrong to feel this way, but then again, how would anyone (besides Lindsy) know how it feels being so far from home, far from family and friends. I don't know... I'm just angry at people, angry at myself sometimes... feel like maybe it's me who doesn't do enough, and sometimes I feel like I'm doing all I can. I think sometimes it'd be best to only keep in touch with family, so I wouldn't have to deal with the emotions and pain every week... you don't know how hard it is wanting to be a part of someone's life, but you aren't and you can't be, because you're so far away; you may be the one that is always there, willing to listen, trying as hard as you can to help- but you won't ever be the one they go to, simply becase you are that far away. I hate that feeling and sometimes I think it'd be easier to just forget and deal with the pain one last time than hang on a limb every week, wondering, worrying, hoping; I can't do it anymore, it's killing me inside. Knowing a friend is really down, or that something is wrong; but they don't tell you, or share what's going on with you... giving up is easy, and I hate to do it, but sometimes it's for the best... I'm sorry if I offend any of you, and this isn't directed at any one person, but that's how I feel and I don't expect, don't see how anyone could understand.
Maybe it's wrong to feel this way, but then again, how would anyone (besides Lindsy) know how it feels being so far from home, far from family and friends. I don't know... I'm just angry at people, angry at myself sometimes... feel like maybe it's me who doesn't do enough, and sometimes I feel like I'm doing all I can. I think sometimes it'd be best to only keep in touch with family, so I wouldn't have to deal with the emotions and pain every week... you don't know how hard it is wanting to be a part of someone's life, but you aren't and you can't be, because you're so far away; you may be the one that is always there, willing to listen, trying as hard as you can to help- but you won't ever be the one they go to, simply becase you are that far away. I hate that feeling and sometimes I think it'd be easier to just forget and deal with the pain one last time than hang on a limb every week, wondering, worrying, hoping; I can't do it anymore, it's killing me inside. Knowing a friend is really down, or that something is wrong; but they don't tell you, or share what's going on with you... giving up is easy, and I hate to do it, but sometimes it's for the best... I'm sorry if I offend any of you, and this isn't directed at any one person, but that's how I feel and I don't expect, don't see how anyone could understand.