Try, Part 3
Part 2
Jared sat lost in his own thoughts at the breakfast table the next morning. He was still a little shocked by what Jensen had told him, almost numb. He wondered if it was an impression of how Jensen had felt when he’d talked about his parents. He couldn’t get over the sound of Jensen’s voice, could still hear it in his head.
“Hey, guys?” There had been a conversation going on around him, but Jared hadn’t heard a word of it. All he knew was that there was silence now as his friends waited for him to continue speaking. He turned and looked at them, nervous about what he was going to ask but wanting to do it anyway. “How would you feel about me inviting Jensen to hang out with us here in the mornings?”
“So you can use him some more?” Genevieve asked, though she didn’t seem particularly mad at him at the moment. She shrugged and looked at the others. “I wouldn’t mind it.”
“Why?” Riley asked, and Jared looked at him, his mind racing for an answer. He hadn’t expected to be questioned about it. He thought he’d eliminated questioning already. “I mean, I get that you wanna pretend to be his friend and all, but do we really have to, too?”
Chad snorted. “You might want to, dude. The guy takes awesome notes. Jared and I probably would’ve failed the last pre-calc quiz if we didn’t have Jensen around.”
“What?” Riley’s nose scrunched up in scorn and confusion. “I thought the guy was borderline retarded?”
“He’s not.” The words had come out a bit harsher than Jared had intended, teeth gritting together. All eyes were on him again, and he tried to relax and not look so tense. Danneel laughed.
“Look at you, defending his honor, for once!” She gave him a thumbs up. “Good for you! I mean it, Jay, that’s an improvement.”
“His mom died,” Jared spat, unable to stop himself. He froze then. He hadn’t meant to let that slip, even if Danneel was mocking him. Her smile faded, and a silence settled over the table that was a lot like the silence between him and Jensen in the car the day before. Jared’s eyes swept over the lot of them. Sandy wouldn’t look at him, or at anyone else, and Jared felt a pang in his heart; she’d lost her parents as a child. “That’s why he was held back,” he said, clearing his throat. He’d already spilled the beans, so he decided to clarify. “He was the one who took care of her.”
“Shit,” Chad cursed, glancing down at his hands. “When did he tell you this?”
“In his car, on the way to my…house.” Jared couldn’t hide the awkwardness then, and it was obvious he’d divulged a secret. He couldn’t help the slight sting he felt in his cheeks.
“He has a car?” Gen asked, leaning forward. “But no one’s ever seen him drive to school.”
Jared sighed and rolled his eyes, at the situation and at himself. “He doesn’t park it around here, okay? He doesn’t want people to know.”
Riley scoffed. “Doesn’t want people to know? Who the hell is this kid? What a fuckin’ frea-”
“Leave him alone, Riley.” It was the first time Sandy had spoken up, and her voice was cold. She glared at Riley, unspoken emotion in her eyes ever since Jared had mentioned Jensen’s mother. “I swear to God, you say something else about him, and I’ll kill you. You don’t even know him. Back off.”
The questions and arguing stopped there. Jared’s friends approved of his idea. He warned them not to say anything to Jensen or anyone else about what he’d told them. He moved on to pre-calc with Chad, happy to see Jensen greet him with a smile again. So far, so good.
Jensen came to the breakfast table the next day. Jared could tell that Jensen was hesitant, and he understood why. But he was happy that Jensen went through with it. He was even happier when everyone put aside their differences and welcomed Jensen into the group. In that moment, it didn’t matter if they were welcoming Jensen in for the wrong reasons. It only mattered that everyone was getting along, and Jared didn’t have to hide anything anymore. Nobody here would betray him. It was easy. With everyone able to be in one place, Jared felt more relaxed, and Jensen seemed a little more at ease, too. Their smiles were a little wider at the end of the day, the connection between them a little more solid.
“Thanks for today,” Jensen said on the way to the car, nudging at Jared with his shoulder. “It was nice.”
Jared grinned, nudging him back. “No problem.” He got in the car and turned the radio on for the short ride to his house. Jensen turned it down a little and started singing with him, glancing at Jared and smiling, and Jared smiled back, trying to match his voice to Jensen’s. It was rough, but the song itself wasn’t too difficult. When they parked and turned the car off, Jensen kept singing at a slower pace. It was encouragement to follow him, to try to improve, and Jared took it. They finished the song together, and laughed at the sudden silence, feeling ridiculous for serenading each other in the car.
“That wasn’t bad!” Jensen cuffed him on the arm playfully and got out of the car, Jared following. “It’s better than what I’ve heard from you before. Little shaky at first, but you worked up to it.”
Jared rolled his eyes, even if he couldn’t stop smiling. “Come on,” he groaned. “I know what I sound like. I mean, I tried to listen better that time, and-”
“That’s just it,” Jensen said, bouncing up onto the sidewalk. “You listened more. You tried harder. We’ll have you in that spring musical in no time.”
They walked into the house together and dumped their schoolbags by the door. Jared jumped at the sudden greeting they received, forgetting that his mom had taken the day off.
“Boys!” Jared’s eyes widened at the sight of his mother making her way over to them with her arms opened wide. She wrapped Jared up in a quick hug and then moved on to Jensen. “Well, here he is.” She stood back and looked at him, then nodded appreciatively and looked back at Jared. “I like him! It’s about time you made a friend out of him, and it’s about time I met him.”
“Mom,” Jared complained, shooting her a look. Jensen looked a little bit like a deer caught in headlights.
She turned back to Jared with an admonishing look on her face, hands on her hips. “Don’t ‘Mom’ me! It’s the truth!”
Jensen looked helplessly at Jared, and then collected himself, standing up a little straighter. “It’s nice to meet you, Mrs. Padalecki.”
“Oh.” Jared rolled his eyes when she put a hand to her chest and looked adoringly at Jensen. “You’re just a sweetheart!” She hugged Jensen before he could move, and Jensen went along with it, wrapping his arms around her.
Jared watched Jensen’s face over her shoulder and suddenly saw a change in it. One that Jensen immediately tried to cover up. Jared realized then that he was standing there annoyed with his mother when Jensen had lost his. It hit him swiftly and suddenly, and he understood the emotion that had flickered over Jensen’s features. His mother hadn’t been home the other days that Jensen had come over, and Jared wondered briefly what it would be like if she never was. What if they never walked through that front door to an enthusiastic greeting and arms spread wide? He looked away from the scene, blinking, a sudden lump in his throat that he quickly swallowed down.
“Jensen, right?” Jared looked back to see his mother pulling away, her hands on Jensen’s shoulders, Jensen nodding in answer to her question. “Well, welcome to Waterville!”
“Thank you, Mrs. Padalecki.” Jensen’s voice was quieter and weaker than it was just moments ago, before they’d entered the house.
“Come on into the kitchen!” She turned and led the way, Jensen following meekly behind her. Jared wanted to hang back, wanted to ask Jensen if he was okay, but he didn’t. They came to the kitchen table and saw a plate of sandwiches in the middle of it. Jared smelled the scent of his mother’s chocolate pie in the oven. “Sit!” Jared did when Jensen did, glancing over at him repeatedly. Jensen’s eyes were fixed on the sandwiches. “Thought you boys might be hungry.” His mother sat down at the table with them, between Jared and Jensen. “You know, if you stay long enough today, this’ll be just perfect!”
Jensen looked up at her slowly, blinking. “What?”
“Well, hasn’t Jared told you?” She spared an annoyed glance at Jared and continued speaking to Jensen. “I’m one of the drama boosters for the school!” She grinned, proud of the title. “We help out every year, trying to raise money during the shows, and I’ll be making your costumes this year.” She gestured to a pile of materials on a chair in the corner, her sewing kit on the floor next to it. “With you here, I can get your measurements, no problem!”
Jared’s eyes never left Jensen, and Jensen’s eyes never left that pile in the corner of the kitchen. He saw Jensen’s troubled swallow, saw the tears welling up in Jensen’s eyes. And then Jensen was blinking and pushing his chair back, standing up.
“I have to go,” he said quickly, turning away. “I’m sorry.” His voice was tight, and Jared watched him pick up his schoolbag and walk out the door without so much as a glance over his shoulder.
Jared’s mother stood, and he rose with her. “What’s the matter with your friend?” she asked, still watching the door in concern, as if she expected Jensen to pop back in.
“His mom died,” Jared answered softly. He knew that it was the reason that Jensen had left so quickly, knew the things that had gotten to Jensen now that his mother was gone. It was why Jared didn’t chase after him. He knew that Jensen wouldn’t want him to. He thought about how long Jensen must have dealt with this on his own, and it made something ache inside of him. His mother made a small sound of surprise, her hand coming up to cover her mouth. “She had cancer. He was the one who took care of her. It’s why he didn’t graduate last year.” She turned away, to the oven, turning it off and taking the pie out, even as tears filled her eyes, her features tightening with the effort of emotion. “Mom.” Jared walked over to her and helped her shaking hands set the pie on the stove to cool.
“That poor boy,” she whispered, her hand covering her mouth again, and then coming up to rest on her forehead. “Oh, I feel so awful.”
“It’s not your fault,” he said, chiding gently, even if he felt the same way. He hadn’t remembered that she was home, and even if he did, he didn’t think he’d realize just how much it would affect Jensen. “You didn’t know.”
“I know, just…” Her hand dropped, and she took a breath, tears rolling down her cheeks when she spoke again, hoarse. “He took care of her?”
Jared nodded, having trouble talking about it himself. Looking at his own mother now, he couldn’t imagine handling the responsibility and pain that came with caring for her as she was dying. “He said his dad couldn’t handle it, and…” He trailed off, shaking his head and fighting the sudden blurriness in his eyes. He was wrapped up in his mother’s arms before he knew it, and he squeezed her back, leaning down to rest his chin on her shoulder.
“I love you, Jared.”
He squeezed his eyes shut and held her a little tighter, his voice wavering when he answered her. “I love you, too, Mom.”
Jensen drove to his usual parking spot the next day, surprised to see Jared standing on the sidewalk, waiting for him. He thought about the day before and felt a little ashamed, running out like that without an explanation. But it’d been too difficult, it had hit him too hard, and he had to get out. He had to leave and calm himself. He couldn’t let himself go down that road. He was afraid of what might happen if he did. He grabbed his schoolbag and got out of the car. Jared smiled at him, one hand on the strap of his backpack, the other holding a container out to Jensen.
“M-Mom wanted you to have this.” Jensen took the container, noticing how Jared struggled with the word “mom” in front of him. “It’s some of her chocolate pie. She asked me to bring it to you. I thought it’d be better if I gave it to you here instead of at the breakfast table, so you wouldn’t have to…explain…”
“Thank you.” He nodded at Jared, understanding. He knew what Jared meant, and it didn’t have to be awkward. In fact, Jensen appreciated the gesture. “I guess I should come back and thank your mom in person. I’m sorry I just left like that, it was rude.”
“No, hey, don’t worry about it.” Jared clapped Jensen on the shoulder, squeezing for a moment before letting his hand drop back down to his side. “As long as you’re okay.”
Jensen smiled and hefted his schoolbag onto his shoulder with one hand, the container of pie in the other. “I’m okay.”
He went to Jared’s house after school again, this time staying until Jared’s mother came home from work complaining that Jared’s father had picked up an extra shift and wouldn’t be home until much later. She stopped when she saw Jensen standing there in the living room, her expression going soft.
“Hi, Jensen.” She offered him a smile and stepped closer. Jensen felt a small twinge of pain deep down, but it was down far enough for him to ignore it this time. This time, he was prepared. “It’s nice to see you again. How are you?”
“I’m okay,” he said, aware of Jared watching him out of the corner of his eye. He cleared his throat. “Mrs. Padalecki, I’m sorry for the way I left yesterday, I didn’t mean to-”
“Oh, no, no, please!” She hugged him again, and he returned the gesture, grateful for it, but numb to its effects this time. “You don’t have to apologize.”
He smiled when she pulled back. “Thank you for the pie. It was amazing.”
She smiled back at him, her eyes glistening, hand cupping his cheek. “You’re welcome, sweetheart.”
Jared was surprised at just how quickly senior year was going. It was a little sad, to already be at the curtain call for the fall play. It was suddenly hitting him that it was November already, and that this was his last fall play at Waterville. It would be his last everything here. It made his goals and the points he needed that much more important. He faced those goals with a bit of trepidation, knowing he’d have to work harder than he ever did before, because of Jensen.
And yet, it made him happy just watching Jensen throughout the show and after; the way Jensen had acted, the way he’d embraced the character for the final performance, and the way he looked and felt at ease with Jared’s mother backstage. Being a drama booster, she was always there during shows, helping everyone with their costumes, props, anything they needed. She was always there after the show to hug Jared and tell him how proud she was, even if it embarrassed him. It didn’t embarrass him this year, and it warmed him to see her doing the same for Jensen. It warmed him to see Jensen’s smile afterward.
He frowned at the fact that Jensen’s dad wasn’t there, even though he was the one pushing Jensen to follow this path. But he knew better than to question Jensen’s father aloud. He knew that it would only upset Jensen, maybe even anger him, and the last thing he wanted was to make an enemy out of Jensen. He felt a twinge of guilt at that thought, knowing that his other friends still thought of Jensen as his enemy, and that it was all because he’d allowed them to think it. But senior year was moving along fast enough already. Surely it wouldn’t be too hard to just push through until graduation? No one would ever have to know.
His mother was delighted with how often Jensen came around. She didn’t even question the nearly nonexistent visits of Chad and the others to the house. Jared didn’t, either. He knew that he was moving further and further away from his friends outside of school, but he felt like he didn’t mind it. He thought maybe he was just scared, and that was probably a good explanation. Spending less time with them meant they had fewer opportunities to ask him to explain himself, even if he thought that they never would, anyway. It was easier this way, especially with Jensen coming to the breakfast table now. The only real time he had with his friends was at lunch, and since that was the only time he had with them, they talked about other things, like school, prom, college. He got the occasional odd glance from them, but nobody opened their mouths about it.
They made it through the holidays, Jared’s mother still in the Christmas spirit, but concerned about Jensen. Jared couldn’t blame her after Jensen had politely refused her invitation to dine with them on Christmas day. He sat at Christmas dinner wondering what Jensen was doing right at that moment, if Jensen’s dad even made the effort to celebrate Christmas this way, or if they were both sitting in their big house on the hill in silence, wishing they were somewhere else.
“It’s only right,” Jared’s mother sighed, even if her expression made it obvious that she was feeling the opposite. “He should be with his own family today. Even if it is just his father. I’m sure they need the time to spend together.”
They didn’t talk about the holidays. Jensen had sent Jared a card wishing him and his family well. But when they met up again afterwards, neither of them spoke about things kids their age usually did, like Christmas dinner, presents they’d opened, and ones that they’d given. Jared thought Jensen probably preferred it that way. He was just glad that Jensen was still the same person. He’d been afraid Jensen would be changed somehow after not seeing him for so long, but it lifted his spirits to still be able to ride in Jensen’s car and make him laugh. He’d already known it for some time now, but it was then that he realized that he actually cared about Jensen. He cared more than he’d ever thought he would.
When it came time to audition for the one-act play competition, Jensen drew Jared aside and wished him luck. Jared said the same, and Jensen gave him a small, sad smile, as if he regretted auditioning himself, because he knew he was in Jared’s way. It affected Jared more now than it had months ago, when Jensen had stopped him after the auditions for the fall play and told him that he was talented. Things had a new meaning now that they were friends.
“Hey,” Jared called when Jensen turned away. Jensen stopped and looked back at him. Jared smiled and nodded his encouragement, really wishing Jensen well and muting the part of him that begged for the lead. “Knock ‘em dead.” Jensen’s grin meant more to him than any role he could ever achieve.
Kripke had put together a one-act play version of The Tell-Tale Heart, and Jensen had stolen the show auditioning as the narrator driven to murder by his own madness. Jared didn’t feel angry. He felt a small sense of dread that he’d never accomplish what he’d set out to do this year. But he wasn’t angry. And he wasn’t left out. He was set to play one of the policemen in the play, as was Riley. Gabe, another of their classmates, was standing in as the old man murdered by the narrator.
“I can’t believe this,” Riley hissed, and Jared tensed. Riley was next to him, eyeing Jensen, and Jared could see the hatred that Riley still harbored for Jensen. To Riley, Jensen was still an enemy.
“It’s alright, man,” Jared said, shrugging it off. “I mean, we’ll get two points for this, even though they’re small parts, because we made it.” It was true. The one-act play was on a much smaller scale than the fall play or the spring musical, so the few students chosen to be in it received an extra point for doing so. “After this, I’ll just need to get at least a supporting part in the musical. If I can get that, it’ll be another two points, and I’m set.”
“Right.” Riley snorted. “Think you can get that with Ackles standing in your way?”
Jared sighed. He’d been trying to ignore how hopeless the spring musical seemed, even if his voice had greatly improved with Jensen’s coaching. He could always try to get into one of the student-directed plays at the end of the year, but it would be too late, then. The Thespian Society’s banquet was in April, and anyone to be inducted would need enough points by then.
“I’ll do what I can,” he said shortly, walking away from Riley and heading for Jensen.
Jensen looked up at Jared from where he sat in the first row of the auditorium, looking far too glum for someone who had just scored his second lead in one school year. “I’m sorry,” he said, as soon as Jared was close enough. Jared’s heart sank. “I really thought you pulled that one out. You did a really great job.”
“So did you.” Jared sat down next to him, partly hoping that Riley hadn’t hung around to watch him and partly too concerned with Jensen to care. “Jensen, come on.” He smiled a little and nudged Jensen with his elbow. “You did great. You deserve this, even if Kripke does only have eyes for you. You got the lead. You should be happy.”
Jensen looked at him, still a bit shamed and hesitant. “You’re not mad?”
Jared stood up and tugged at Jensen’s arm, making him stand, too. “I’m happy for you, asshole,” he laughed, punching Jensen lightly in the shoulder. Before he could think about it, he wrapped his arms around Jensen, pulling him into a hug. It took a moment for Jensen to respond, but he did, and Jared realized how odd this was. They’d never hugged before, not even as close as they’d gotten. It felt…good. He pulled back, and Jensen looked more relaxed, the hint of a smile on his lips. “You’re gonna take us to the States!”
Waterville was set to host the One-Act Play Regionals that year, in the first week of February, with the States to take place during the third week, in Minnesota. Jensen took Waterville to the States, Jared had to give him credit for that. Jared’d been in the one-act play competition twice, last year as the lead, and he’d never been to the States.
“Looks like your boy’s good for something,” Riley commented at lunch one day. “At least we get to go on a trip.”
“Yeah, and skip a week of classes!” Danneel shoved at Riley’s shoulder, pouting. “Leave all the rest of us here to study and take notes.”
“Yeah, how is that fair?” Chad asked, leaning back in his chair. He shook his head. “I knew I should’ve taken drama.”
Sandy snorted. “Except for the fact that you can’t act.”
Chad spread his arms, his eyes wide. “They could teach me!”
“Well, congratulations, anyway,” Genevieve sighed, feigning annoyance. “Even if you assholes are getting much better treatment than the rest of us.”
Jared laughed. “We are still supposed to do homework while we’re there, you know. And we’ll have separate assignments to turn in to our other classes when we get back. It’s not exactly a vacation.”
“Yeah, but you’re still going on a trip,” Sandy complained.
Jared grinned, looking over at Riley and high-fiving him. “Yeah, we are!”
“So, we’re rooming together, right?” Riley asked, and Jared felt his stomach drop. He tried not to let it show in his face. “Kripke gets his own room, and then us four students split into twos.”
“Um.” Jared took a moment and settled back into his seat. “Actually, Jensen already asked me.” He was lying, but he didn’t care. He had to lie. He wanted to room with Jensen, and it would be best if the reason he gave was his inability to say no when asked.
“What?” Riley’s eyes narrowed, and he leaned on his arms on the table. “So what? What the fuck is this, Jared? We’re friends! We’ve been friends since freshman year! I didn’t think you’d really have to think about who you’d room with. I didn’t know I’d have to fucking ask you.”
Jared leaned forward, aware of the looks his friends were giving him and doing his best to keep calm as Riley stared him down. “Look, I’m sorry, man, it’s just…he asked me, and what was I gonna say?”
“I don’t believe this!” Riley was fuming, and Jared looked away, his eyes down on the table. “This guy has ruined everything for you! He’s practically killing your chances of getting into the Thespian Society, and now you’re letting him come between you and your friends?”
“Jensen didn’t ruin everything,” Sandy said, defending him, her eyes on Riley. “This isn’t his fault.”
“I don’t know why you’re still such a dick to him, even after you got to know him,” Danneel cut in, glaring. “He’s been here in the mornings, and you know what he’s like. There’s nothing wrong with Jensen, and he hasn’t meant to hurt anybody. You’re just an asshole.”
“Oh, really?” Riley turned to her, his arms crossed over his chest, nostrils flared. “See if I take you to the prom.”
Danneel laughed meanly and rolled her eyes. “Don’t flatter yourself. Who ever said I’d go with you, anyway?” There was a hush over the table then, Riley’s mouth hanging open dumbly. Danneel and Riley had been off and on throughout high school, but they’d always managed to get together for the big events, the dances and proms. They were it. “I can find someone else,” she said, shrugging, as if it were no big deal. “And I will. I’ve already been looking.”
“Hey.” Chad’s voice broke the second awkward silence at the table, and everyone turned to him. He looked at Jared apologetically. “Look, I’d hate to say it, but…Riley’s right. At least about one thing.” He shrugged, looking unsure about what he was about to say. “Jensen’s cool and all, but Jared, you…you really haven’t been around much since you started treating Jensen like a friend. You kinda ditched us. I mean, I thought we were closer than that.”
Jared sat, stunned. He didn’t know what to say. He hadn’t thought this would come up, but he’d forgotten about how the trip would affect the group. Hell, the trip wasn’t even a given. Jensen had earned them that. This…This was unexpected.
“Come on, we’re close,” Jared said finally, his tone dismissing any problems between them. He could feel his pulse pounding, and he prayed for understanding, prayed for a miracle. “Things have just been a little different, that’s all.”
The bell rang, and Jared nearly looked up to the ceiling to give thanks. But he didn’t miss the way Chad looked at him and said, “Not in a good way.”
For Jensen, the trip to St. Paul, Minnesota, may as well have been a vacation. He knew he was there for school, and that he still had work to do for his classes, but he’d never been happier or had more fun. He’d felt an odd sense of contentment on the plane when he’d been jostled awake by some turbulence only to find that Jared had fallen asleep on him, Jared’s head on his shoulder. He’d smiled and felt a little warmer on the cold plane, glad to have Jared sitting there next to him.
Kripke carted them around to various attractions in St. Paul while they were there, as the school seemed to require. They were supposed to write a paper either about the trip, or about one of the places they’d gone to, Jensen didn’t even know. He didn’t much care. He just knew that he loved visiting the science museum with Jared, the two of them laughing at how lame it was, because it was filled with obnoxious little kids on class trips. He loved visiting the zoo, Jared doing ridiculous impressions of the animals and nearly spitting out his soda when Jensen joined in. He loved visiting the Cathedral of St. Paul, the two of them barely making it through the tour without laughing too loudly at obscene jokes that shouldn’t be made in such a spiritual place.
He knew that they were there with two other students and Kripke, but it felt like it was just the two of them, having their pictures taken in front of the state capitol, pretending to learn something at the Minnesota History Center. This was what his senior year was supposed to be, fun and celebratory, with his best friend. It made him think of what could have been last year, but then it mostly made him happy that he’d gotten this, this second chance. Last year had been so terrible, and this…this was like a gift.
“Did you see the look on Kripke’s face?” Jared was laughing hysterically as they stumbled into their hotel room when they got back from the cathedral.
Jensen collapsed back on the door, closing it and laughing. “I thought for sure we were gonna get kicked out, and he was gonna kill us!”
“Would’ve been all your fault,” Jared said, shaking his head and tsking.
“Mine?” Jensen laughed, feeling light and dizzy with happiness. “You started it!” He stumbled forward and shoved at Jared, losing his own balance in the process, the two of them toppling over onto Jensen’s bed, laughing.
He landed on top of Jared, Jared’s breath puffing out over his neck, his own laughter dying as heat suddenly flashed through his body. He looked down at Jared, their eyes meeting and smiles slowly fading, so close to each other. Jensen’s heart started pounding, and he froze, afraid to move. He was afraid, period, feelings suddenly bubbling to the surface that he hadn’t actually realized or come to terms with yet. He saw Jared’s eyes widen with the same fear, and felt oddly comforted in that moment. At least they were both experiencing the same thing, even as neither of them moved.
It was frightening, suddenly realizing just how you cared for someone, realizing you were attracted to them, and knowing that being attracted to that particular person made you different. He knew that it wasn’t wrong, but different, and he knew what that meant for him, for them. He knew all of this in a matter of seconds, and it was a shock to his system.
Jensen moved first, breaking eye contact and lowering his head. But then Jared’s hands were framing his face, hesitant. When Jensen looked back up at Jared, the hands dropped, and they stared again, still silent and wide-eyed. And then Jensen thought of everything that had happened that year so far, how drastically Jared had changed things for him, how he’d felt when he’d woken up to find Jared sleeping on his shoulder, and for the rest of the trip so far. He lowered his eyes and then found them closing as he dropped his head, his lips gently brushing over Jared’s. He felt Jared’s gasp, and he paused, freezing again until Jared’s lips pressed up against his.
For all his fear, Jensen wanted to sob with relief, warmth spreading throughout his body as their lips pressed together more firmly. His hands were shaking, but he moved them up to cup Jared’s face and hold him there, his lips slowly opening against Jared’s. He felt Jared’s hesitation, heard it in the hitch of Jared’s breath, and then Jared was opening up with him, their mouths slotting together as Jensen angled his head better. The first touch of their tongues created a spark that traveled down Jensen’s spine, and he sucked in a breath, and then moaned quietly into Jared’s mouth.
It was when Jensen shifted and his erection brushed against Jared’s thigh that he broke the kiss, pulling his head back suddenly. He looked down at Jared, and Jared licked his lips and opened his eyes, still afraid to speak. Jensen decided to break the silence for them, even if his voice did waver.
“Jared…I…um.” He cleared his throat and licked his own lips, tasting Jared there. “Is this okay?” He asked the question with a weight settling in his stomach, preparing himself to hear a negative response. But Jared’s hand slowly made its way up his arm, eventually settling on his shoulder, holding him there.
“Yeah,” Jared whispered, nodding with a jerk of his head. “Yeah, it is.” Jensen smiled softly and leaned down to kiss him again. “Wait.” Jared’s hand held Jensen back, and for a moment he thought that Jared was changing his mind, that weight dropping hard in his stomach again. But Jared’s expression hadn’t changed. “Just…wait.” Jared shifted beneath Jensen and got his elbows under him, moving back on the bed, and Jensen understood then. He hadn’t realized just how uncomfortable they’d been, their legs still dangling off the edge of the bed with the way they’d fallen. Jensen moved, too, lifting off of Jared to give him a little more room and mimicking Jared’s move of kicking his shoes off. Jared looked at him from his spot further up the bed, leaning back against the pillows. He still looked a little unsure of himself, but not of what he felt between them. “Okay.”
Jensen took a breath and crawled up to meet Jared. He leaned over, watching Jared’s eyes close with his own as they kissed again, gradually opening to each other, tongues a little more forceful now. Jared fell back more, and Jensen rolled back on top of him, the kiss growing more heated. Jared broke it once, reminding Jensen that they needed to come up for air once in a while, and then their lips crashed together again, Jensen’s hands skimming up Jared’s sides, his hips thrusting down instinctively when he fell between Jared’s legs. Jared’s breath hitched on a surprised moan, his own hips bucking up to meet Jensen’s, their clothed erections rubbing together. Jensen moved then, his mouth leaving Jared’s and sliding down to Jared’s jaw, his neck. Jared’s hands were on his back, moving lower and then sliding up under his shirt, over his bare skin. Jensen thrust down harder, licking and biting at the sweaty skin of Jared’s neck, and Jared moaned a little louder this time, both of them breathing heavily.
Jensen found a rhythm, his pulse pounding throughout his body, head swimming with a drunken feeling of lust. He found Jared’s lips again, kissing them as he continued thrusting, the friction between them driving him on. His hands moved beneath the hem of Jared’s shirt, up as far as they could go, his thumb passing over one of Jared’s nipples, and Jared gasped against his lips and arched. Jensen started moving harder, faster, unable to stop himself. He could already feel wetness inside his boxers, and he kept going, his body spiraling quickly out of control.
He swept his tongue inside Jared’s mouth, Jared responding in kind. He yanked his head back when Jared suddenly bit down on his bottom lip, and then he heard the change in Jared’s rushed breathing, saw the way Jared threw his head back on the pillows and watched the column of Jared’s neck where moans pushed their way through to escape his open lips. Jared was tense and tight, jerking against Jensen, his fingers pressing bruises into Jensen’s back. Jensen felt his jaw go slack at the sight, at the knowledge of what was happening, his eyes going unfocused. He shoved his hips down hard twice more, and then his spine snapped straight, muscles tense and shaking, wet heat spreading in the crotch of his pants. He was aware of a small cry leaving his throat, and then there was only heavy breathing between them as their bodies relaxed, Jensen conscious of his weight on top of Jared.
Jensen closed his eyes and rolled off of Jared, feeling dizzy, his brain slow and buzzing with what just happened. His chest still heaved, but at a slower rate, and he could feel sweat drying on his body. He squirmed, knowing he had to get rid of the mess in his boxers. He could still feel the imprints of Jared’s fingers on his back, the sharp sting of Jared’s teeth on his bottom lip.
“Are you okay?”
Jensen found the strength to sluggishly turn his head towards Jared, suddenly feeling heavy and tired. “I’m okay,” he said, taking in Jared’s tired glance only briefly before his own eyes fell closed. “Are you?”
“Yeah.”
Jensen wasn’t sure how long he’d slept when he woke up again. He remembered what happened almost immediately, the memory occurring before he even registered the uncomfortable feeling in his boxers. He turned towards Jared and saw him still lying there, sleeping, his shirt rucked up over his chest. Jensen looked at the clock to check the time, suddenly realizing that Kripke would be knocking on their door soon to bring them out for dinner. He sat up and then leaned over Jared, gently shaking Jared’s shoulder.
“Jared? Hey, man, wake up, we gotta get cleaned up and ready to go.” Jared whined but slowly obeyed, his eyes opening one at a time.
They showered quickly, changing their clothes. When Jensen was finished with his shower, he came out of the bathroom to find Jared sitting on the edge of the bed they’d just shared, watching TV. Jared smiled at him, and Jensen smiled back.
It was their last night in Minnesota, the competition already over. Waterville hadn’t won, but it didn’t matter. They’d had fun, more fun than Jared could ever remember having before. He raced Jensen to the vending machines at the hotel late that night, a set at each end of the hall. They ran for the one on the right, laughing and shoving at each other, the touches like little sparks between them. Jared had been caught up in this new little world with Jensen since they’d gotten here, but once they’d kissed, he was a goner. He was happy with Jensen, and he took a chance as they ran down the hall, grabbing at Jensen’s shirt and kissing him before running past him.
“Not fair!” Jensen called after him, and Jared just laughed, skidding to a stop at the vending machines and picking out the soda and candy bar he wanted. Jensen ran right into him, almost tackling him, and pushed him up against the vending machine. “You play dirty,” he huffed, kissing Jared again. Then he pushed Jared out of the way and got his own soda.
They walked back down the hall, arms brushing together. Jared shoved Jensen once as they got closer to the room, and Jensen laughed and pushed Jared up against their room door. Jared laughed and kissed him, the two of them touching and flirting, and that was when Jensen got bold in the empty hallway and grinned, his hand cupping Jared’s crotch.
“Am I interrupting something?”
Jared’s face fell, his eyes watching Jensen’s do the same thing. He felt Jensen’s hand move away, felt his heart pick up speed, because he knew the voice all too well. When he looked up, he saw Riley, a drink and snacks in his own hands, heading back from the vending machines at the other end of the hall. Riley was staring, his jaw set tight, eyes shocked but accusatory. Jared dropped his gaze, saw how red Jensen’s face was, and how Jensen wouldn’t turn to look at Riley. He cleared his throat, his own face burning, and ignored Riley’s question, pulling the room key from his pocket and turning to open the door.
He let Jensen enter first and then walked inside, closing the door behind him. He stood, numb, watching Jensen sink onto the edge of his bed out of the corner of his eye. Jared chewed at his bottom lip. He’d never live this down. Riley would never let this go. Part of him irrationally thought that maybe Riley wouldn’t say anything, but Jared knew better. Judging by the look on Jensen’s face, Jensen did, too.
“I’m sorry,” Jensen said quietly, his voice odd in the silence. “I didn’t mean to get us caught.”
“It’s not your fault,” Jared answered, slowly walking over and sitting down next to Jensen. “Nothing’s your fault.”
“What do we do?”
“I don’t know,” Jared said honestly, dread causing a nasty taste to build up in the back of his throat. “I guess we just prepare ourselves for when we get back.”
“I don’t want this to end,” Jensen said suddenly, a hint of panic in his voice. Jared looked at him and saw the fear and sadness there. “I don’t wanna go home.”
Jared turned to face forward, staring at the blank TV screen. “Me neither.”
Jensen parked his car and was slow to get out of it, hefting his schoolbag up onto his shoulder. He started walking, trying not to think about it, but he had to. He couldn’t push it away while heading for Waterville High and the breakfast table. He liked to think of it as where he’d meet Jared, but Jared’s friends would be there, too, including Riley. The walk took him longer than usual, and he took a deep breath before walking through the double doors on the side of the school, around the way from the main entrance. He stood on the landing inside, facing the staircases, two going up and two going down. He started to head for the down staircase that led to the cafeteria when he heard voices. They didn’t fully register at first, but then he recognized them. It was Jared…Jared and Chad. He paused when he heard his own name mentioned in hushed, harsh whispers, the two of them speaking privately at the bottom of the staircase.
“What the fuck are you thinking, Jared?”
“Nothing!”
“Damn straight! I mean, Jesus, man. I understood it at first. I understood hating him, I understood him being in your way, and I understood being nice to him to try to get around that. But then you ditch the rest of us for him? And now…Christ, Jared, don’t you think you’ve gone too far? I know it was harsh for Gen to say you were using him, but fuck, you were! And now it’s even down to letting him get you off?”
“Look, Chad, you don’t understand-”
“Oh, what, next are you gonna tell me that you’re gay, and you’re in love with him? That you have feelings for him?”
“No! No, of course not…”
Jensen backed away slowly, moving back on the landing, towards the double doors. Jared and Chad were still arguing, still whispering, but he didn’t have to hear anymore. He didn’t want to. His mind was reeling, praying that this wasn’t real, that it was just a dream, and he hadn’t really woken up to come to school yet. He suddenly felt nauseous, felt like his chest had sunken in, a lump beginning to form in his throat. He couldn’t breathe, and he backed up until he hit the bar on the door and it swung open, the noise echoing in the stairwell.
And then he turned around and ran, ignoring the sound of Jared exiting the doors behind him and calling his name. He ran halfway to his car and then stopped, collapsing against the side of a house and gasping for breath, running a trembling hand through his hair and over his face. He wasn’t going to cry. He couldn’t cry, not now, not when he’d fought it for so long. He couldn’t break. He couldn’t let that happen, couldn’t let them or Jared break him. Just the thought of Jared’s name had him fighting back tears. He closed his eyes and breathed deeply through his nose, fighting valiantly.
It was a long time before the feeling passed, and he imagined the first period bell ringing, everyone in pre-calc pulling out their books and taking notes, Jared staring at the empty seat in front of him. And all Jensen could do was blame himself. He never should have talked to Jared that day after the auditions for the fall play. He never should have taken the chance, and now he didn’t know why he did. Because he’d fallen for someone who obviously hated him? Because he’d actually allow himself to trust someone like that? He knew better. He should’ve known better.
It hurt. All of it hurt. But the worst part was to think of the week they’d just spent in Minnesota, how happy he’d been there, and how it all had to do with Jared being there with him. It was what they’d done, that extra step, and how Jared had denied feeling anything at all for it.
Jensen sat alongside the house for a little while longer and then he hauled himself up to his feet and dragged himself the rest of the way to his car. He wasn’t going to Waterville High today. He couldn’t face it.
Part 4
Jared sat lost in his own thoughts at the breakfast table the next morning. He was still a little shocked by what Jensen had told him, almost numb. He wondered if it was an impression of how Jensen had felt when he’d talked about his parents. He couldn’t get over the sound of Jensen’s voice, could still hear it in his head.
“Hey, guys?” There had been a conversation going on around him, but Jared hadn’t heard a word of it. All he knew was that there was silence now as his friends waited for him to continue speaking. He turned and looked at them, nervous about what he was going to ask but wanting to do it anyway. “How would you feel about me inviting Jensen to hang out with us here in the mornings?”
“So you can use him some more?” Genevieve asked, though she didn’t seem particularly mad at him at the moment. She shrugged and looked at the others. “I wouldn’t mind it.”
“Why?” Riley asked, and Jared looked at him, his mind racing for an answer. He hadn’t expected to be questioned about it. He thought he’d eliminated questioning already. “I mean, I get that you wanna pretend to be his friend and all, but do we really have to, too?”
Chad snorted. “You might want to, dude. The guy takes awesome notes. Jared and I probably would’ve failed the last pre-calc quiz if we didn’t have Jensen around.”
“What?” Riley’s nose scrunched up in scorn and confusion. “I thought the guy was borderline retarded?”
“He’s not.” The words had come out a bit harsher than Jared had intended, teeth gritting together. All eyes were on him again, and he tried to relax and not look so tense. Danneel laughed.
“Look at you, defending his honor, for once!” She gave him a thumbs up. “Good for you! I mean it, Jay, that’s an improvement.”
“His mom died,” Jared spat, unable to stop himself. He froze then. He hadn’t meant to let that slip, even if Danneel was mocking him. Her smile faded, and a silence settled over the table that was a lot like the silence between him and Jensen in the car the day before. Jared’s eyes swept over the lot of them. Sandy wouldn’t look at him, or at anyone else, and Jared felt a pang in his heart; she’d lost her parents as a child. “That’s why he was held back,” he said, clearing his throat. He’d already spilled the beans, so he decided to clarify. “He was the one who took care of her.”
“Shit,” Chad cursed, glancing down at his hands. “When did he tell you this?”
“In his car, on the way to my…house.” Jared couldn’t hide the awkwardness then, and it was obvious he’d divulged a secret. He couldn’t help the slight sting he felt in his cheeks.
“He has a car?” Gen asked, leaning forward. “But no one’s ever seen him drive to school.”
Jared sighed and rolled his eyes, at the situation and at himself. “He doesn’t park it around here, okay? He doesn’t want people to know.”
Riley scoffed. “Doesn’t want people to know? Who the hell is this kid? What a fuckin’ frea-”
“Leave him alone, Riley.” It was the first time Sandy had spoken up, and her voice was cold. She glared at Riley, unspoken emotion in her eyes ever since Jared had mentioned Jensen’s mother. “I swear to God, you say something else about him, and I’ll kill you. You don’t even know him. Back off.”
The questions and arguing stopped there. Jared’s friends approved of his idea. He warned them not to say anything to Jensen or anyone else about what he’d told them. He moved on to pre-calc with Chad, happy to see Jensen greet him with a smile again. So far, so good.
Jensen came to the breakfast table the next day. Jared could tell that Jensen was hesitant, and he understood why. But he was happy that Jensen went through with it. He was even happier when everyone put aside their differences and welcomed Jensen into the group. In that moment, it didn’t matter if they were welcoming Jensen in for the wrong reasons. It only mattered that everyone was getting along, and Jared didn’t have to hide anything anymore. Nobody here would betray him. It was easy. With everyone able to be in one place, Jared felt more relaxed, and Jensen seemed a little more at ease, too. Their smiles were a little wider at the end of the day, the connection between them a little more solid.
“Thanks for today,” Jensen said on the way to the car, nudging at Jared with his shoulder. “It was nice.”
Jared grinned, nudging him back. “No problem.” He got in the car and turned the radio on for the short ride to his house. Jensen turned it down a little and started singing with him, glancing at Jared and smiling, and Jared smiled back, trying to match his voice to Jensen’s. It was rough, but the song itself wasn’t too difficult. When they parked and turned the car off, Jensen kept singing at a slower pace. It was encouragement to follow him, to try to improve, and Jared took it. They finished the song together, and laughed at the sudden silence, feeling ridiculous for serenading each other in the car.
“That wasn’t bad!” Jensen cuffed him on the arm playfully and got out of the car, Jared following. “It’s better than what I’ve heard from you before. Little shaky at first, but you worked up to it.”
Jared rolled his eyes, even if he couldn’t stop smiling. “Come on,” he groaned. “I know what I sound like. I mean, I tried to listen better that time, and-”
“That’s just it,” Jensen said, bouncing up onto the sidewalk. “You listened more. You tried harder. We’ll have you in that spring musical in no time.”
They walked into the house together and dumped their schoolbags by the door. Jared jumped at the sudden greeting they received, forgetting that his mom had taken the day off.
“Boys!” Jared’s eyes widened at the sight of his mother making her way over to them with her arms opened wide. She wrapped Jared up in a quick hug and then moved on to Jensen. “Well, here he is.” She stood back and looked at him, then nodded appreciatively and looked back at Jared. “I like him! It’s about time you made a friend out of him, and it’s about time I met him.”
“Mom,” Jared complained, shooting her a look. Jensen looked a little bit like a deer caught in headlights.
She turned back to Jared with an admonishing look on her face, hands on her hips. “Don’t ‘Mom’ me! It’s the truth!”
Jensen looked helplessly at Jared, and then collected himself, standing up a little straighter. “It’s nice to meet you, Mrs. Padalecki.”
“Oh.” Jared rolled his eyes when she put a hand to her chest and looked adoringly at Jensen. “You’re just a sweetheart!” She hugged Jensen before he could move, and Jensen went along with it, wrapping his arms around her.
Jared watched Jensen’s face over her shoulder and suddenly saw a change in it. One that Jensen immediately tried to cover up. Jared realized then that he was standing there annoyed with his mother when Jensen had lost his. It hit him swiftly and suddenly, and he understood the emotion that had flickered over Jensen’s features. His mother hadn’t been home the other days that Jensen had come over, and Jared wondered briefly what it would be like if she never was. What if they never walked through that front door to an enthusiastic greeting and arms spread wide? He looked away from the scene, blinking, a sudden lump in his throat that he quickly swallowed down.
“Jensen, right?” Jared looked back to see his mother pulling away, her hands on Jensen’s shoulders, Jensen nodding in answer to her question. “Well, welcome to Waterville!”
“Thank you, Mrs. Padalecki.” Jensen’s voice was quieter and weaker than it was just moments ago, before they’d entered the house.
“Come on into the kitchen!” She turned and led the way, Jensen following meekly behind her. Jared wanted to hang back, wanted to ask Jensen if he was okay, but he didn’t. They came to the kitchen table and saw a plate of sandwiches in the middle of it. Jared smelled the scent of his mother’s chocolate pie in the oven. “Sit!” Jared did when Jensen did, glancing over at him repeatedly. Jensen’s eyes were fixed on the sandwiches. “Thought you boys might be hungry.” His mother sat down at the table with them, between Jared and Jensen. “You know, if you stay long enough today, this’ll be just perfect!”
Jensen looked up at her slowly, blinking. “What?”
“Well, hasn’t Jared told you?” She spared an annoyed glance at Jared and continued speaking to Jensen. “I’m one of the drama boosters for the school!” She grinned, proud of the title. “We help out every year, trying to raise money during the shows, and I’ll be making your costumes this year.” She gestured to a pile of materials on a chair in the corner, her sewing kit on the floor next to it. “With you here, I can get your measurements, no problem!”
Jared’s eyes never left Jensen, and Jensen’s eyes never left that pile in the corner of the kitchen. He saw Jensen’s troubled swallow, saw the tears welling up in Jensen’s eyes. And then Jensen was blinking and pushing his chair back, standing up.
“I have to go,” he said quickly, turning away. “I’m sorry.” His voice was tight, and Jared watched him pick up his schoolbag and walk out the door without so much as a glance over his shoulder.
Jared’s mother stood, and he rose with her. “What’s the matter with your friend?” she asked, still watching the door in concern, as if she expected Jensen to pop back in.
“His mom died,” Jared answered softly. He knew that it was the reason that Jensen had left so quickly, knew the things that had gotten to Jensen now that his mother was gone. It was why Jared didn’t chase after him. He knew that Jensen wouldn’t want him to. He thought about how long Jensen must have dealt with this on his own, and it made something ache inside of him. His mother made a small sound of surprise, her hand coming up to cover her mouth. “She had cancer. He was the one who took care of her. It’s why he didn’t graduate last year.” She turned away, to the oven, turning it off and taking the pie out, even as tears filled her eyes, her features tightening with the effort of emotion. “Mom.” Jared walked over to her and helped her shaking hands set the pie on the stove to cool.
“That poor boy,” she whispered, her hand covering her mouth again, and then coming up to rest on her forehead. “Oh, I feel so awful.”
“It’s not your fault,” he said, chiding gently, even if he felt the same way. He hadn’t remembered that she was home, and even if he did, he didn’t think he’d realize just how much it would affect Jensen. “You didn’t know.”
“I know, just…” Her hand dropped, and she took a breath, tears rolling down her cheeks when she spoke again, hoarse. “He took care of her?”
Jared nodded, having trouble talking about it himself. Looking at his own mother now, he couldn’t imagine handling the responsibility and pain that came with caring for her as she was dying. “He said his dad couldn’t handle it, and…” He trailed off, shaking his head and fighting the sudden blurriness in his eyes. He was wrapped up in his mother’s arms before he knew it, and he squeezed her back, leaning down to rest his chin on her shoulder.
“I love you, Jared.”
He squeezed his eyes shut and held her a little tighter, his voice wavering when he answered her. “I love you, too, Mom.”
Jensen drove to his usual parking spot the next day, surprised to see Jared standing on the sidewalk, waiting for him. He thought about the day before and felt a little ashamed, running out like that without an explanation. But it’d been too difficult, it had hit him too hard, and he had to get out. He had to leave and calm himself. He couldn’t let himself go down that road. He was afraid of what might happen if he did. He grabbed his schoolbag and got out of the car. Jared smiled at him, one hand on the strap of his backpack, the other holding a container out to Jensen.
“M-Mom wanted you to have this.” Jensen took the container, noticing how Jared struggled with the word “mom” in front of him. “It’s some of her chocolate pie. She asked me to bring it to you. I thought it’d be better if I gave it to you here instead of at the breakfast table, so you wouldn’t have to…explain…”
“Thank you.” He nodded at Jared, understanding. He knew what Jared meant, and it didn’t have to be awkward. In fact, Jensen appreciated the gesture. “I guess I should come back and thank your mom in person. I’m sorry I just left like that, it was rude.”
“No, hey, don’t worry about it.” Jared clapped Jensen on the shoulder, squeezing for a moment before letting his hand drop back down to his side. “As long as you’re okay.”
Jensen smiled and hefted his schoolbag onto his shoulder with one hand, the container of pie in the other. “I’m okay.”
He went to Jared’s house after school again, this time staying until Jared’s mother came home from work complaining that Jared’s father had picked up an extra shift and wouldn’t be home until much later. She stopped when she saw Jensen standing there in the living room, her expression going soft.
“Hi, Jensen.” She offered him a smile and stepped closer. Jensen felt a small twinge of pain deep down, but it was down far enough for him to ignore it this time. This time, he was prepared. “It’s nice to see you again. How are you?”
“I’m okay,” he said, aware of Jared watching him out of the corner of his eye. He cleared his throat. “Mrs. Padalecki, I’m sorry for the way I left yesterday, I didn’t mean to-”
“Oh, no, no, please!” She hugged him again, and he returned the gesture, grateful for it, but numb to its effects this time. “You don’t have to apologize.”
He smiled when she pulled back. “Thank you for the pie. It was amazing.”
She smiled back at him, her eyes glistening, hand cupping his cheek. “You’re welcome, sweetheart.”
Jared was surprised at just how quickly senior year was going. It was a little sad, to already be at the curtain call for the fall play. It was suddenly hitting him that it was November already, and that this was his last fall play at Waterville. It would be his last everything here. It made his goals and the points he needed that much more important. He faced those goals with a bit of trepidation, knowing he’d have to work harder than he ever did before, because of Jensen.
And yet, it made him happy just watching Jensen throughout the show and after; the way Jensen had acted, the way he’d embraced the character for the final performance, and the way he looked and felt at ease with Jared’s mother backstage. Being a drama booster, she was always there during shows, helping everyone with their costumes, props, anything they needed. She was always there after the show to hug Jared and tell him how proud she was, even if it embarrassed him. It didn’t embarrass him this year, and it warmed him to see her doing the same for Jensen. It warmed him to see Jensen’s smile afterward.
He frowned at the fact that Jensen’s dad wasn’t there, even though he was the one pushing Jensen to follow this path. But he knew better than to question Jensen’s father aloud. He knew that it would only upset Jensen, maybe even anger him, and the last thing he wanted was to make an enemy out of Jensen. He felt a twinge of guilt at that thought, knowing that his other friends still thought of Jensen as his enemy, and that it was all because he’d allowed them to think it. But senior year was moving along fast enough already. Surely it wouldn’t be too hard to just push through until graduation? No one would ever have to know.
His mother was delighted with how often Jensen came around. She didn’t even question the nearly nonexistent visits of Chad and the others to the house. Jared didn’t, either. He knew that he was moving further and further away from his friends outside of school, but he felt like he didn’t mind it. He thought maybe he was just scared, and that was probably a good explanation. Spending less time with them meant they had fewer opportunities to ask him to explain himself, even if he thought that they never would, anyway. It was easier this way, especially with Jensen coming to the breakfast table now. The only real time he had with his friends was at lunch, and since that was the only time he had with them, they talked about other things, like school, prom, college. He got the occasional odd glance from them, but nobody opened their mouths about it.
They made it through the holidays, Jared’s mother still in the Christmas spirit, but concerned about Jensen. Jared couldn’t blame her after Jensen had politely refused her invitation to dine with them on Christmas day. He sat at Christmas dinner wondering what Jensen was doing right at that moment, if Jensen’s dad even made the effort to celebrate Christmas this way, or if they were both sitting in their big house on the hill in silence, wishing they were somewhere else.
“It’s only right,” Jared’s mother sighed, even if her expression made it obvious that she was feeling the opposite. “He should be with his own family today. Even if it is just his father. I’m sure they need the time to spend together.”
They didn’t talk about the holidays. Jensen had sent Jared a card wishing him and his family well. But when they met up again afterwards, neither of them spoke about things kids their age usually did, like Christmas dinner, presents they’d opened, and ones that they’d given. Jared thought Jensen probably preferred it that way. He was just glad that Jensen was still the same person. He’d been afraid Jensen would be changed somehow after not seeing him for so long, but it lifted his spirits to still be able to ride in Jensen’s car and make him laugh. He’d already known it for some time now, but it was then that he realized that he actually cared about Jensen. He cared more than he’d ever thought he would.
When it came time to audition for the one-act play competition, Jensen drew Jared aside and wished him luck. Jared said the same, and Jensen gave him a small, sad smile, as if he regretted auditioning himself, because he knew he was in Jared’s way. It affected Jared more now than it had months ago, when Jensen had stopped him after the auditions for the fall play and told him that he was talented. Things had a new meaning now that they were friends.
“Hey,” Jared called when Jensen turned away. Jensen stopped and looked back at him. Jared smiled and nodded his encouragement, really wishing Jensen well and muting the part of him that begged for the lead. “Knock ‘em dead.” Jensen’s grin meant more to him than any role he could ever achieve.
Kripke had put together a one-act play version of The Tell-Tale Heart, and Jensen had stolen the show auditioning as the narrator driven to murder by his own madness. Jared didn’t feel angry. He felt a small sense of dread that he’d never accomplish what he’d set out to do this year. But he wasn’t angry. And he wasn’t left out. He was set to play one of the policemen in the play, as was Riley. Gabe, another of their classmates, was standing in as the old man murdered by the narrator.
“I can’t believe this,” Riley hissed, and Jared tensed. Riley was next to him, eyeing Jensen, and Jared could see the hatred that Riley still harbored for Jensen. To Riley, Jensen was still an enemy.
“It’s alright, man,” Jared said, shrugging it off. “I mean, we’ll get two points for this, even though they’re small parts, because we made it.” It was true. The one-act play was on a much smaller scale than the fall play or the spring musical, so the few students chosen to be in it received an extra point for doing so. “After this, I’ll just need to get at least a supporting part in the musical. If I can get that, it’ll be another two points, and I’m set.”
“Right.” Riley snorted. “Think you can get that with Ackles standing in your way?”
Jared sighed. He’d been trying to ignore how hopeless the spring musical seemed, even if his voice had greatly improved with Jensen’s coaching. He could always try to get into one of the student-directed plays at the end of the year, but it would be too late, then. The Thespian Society’s banquet was in April, and anyone to be inducted would need enough points by then.
“I’ll do what I can,” he said shortly, walking away from Riley and heading for Jensen.
Jensen looked up at Jared from where he sat in the first row of the auditorium, looking far too glum for someone who had just scored his second lead in one school year. “I’m sorry,” he said, as soon as Jared was close enough. Jared’s heart sank. “I really thought you pulled that one out. You did a really great job.”
“So did you.” Jared sat down next to him, partly hoping that Riley hadn’t hung around to watch him and partly too concerned with Jensen to care. “Jensen, come on.” He smiled a little and nudged Jensen with his elbow. “You did great. You deserve this, even if Kripke does only have eyes for you. You got the lead. You should be happy.”
Jensen looked at him, still a bit shamed and hesitant. “You’re not mad?”
Jared stood up and tugged at Jensen’s arm, making him stand, too. “I’m happy for you, asshole,” he laughed, punching Jensen lightly in the shoulder. Before he could think about it, he wrapped his arms around Jensen, pulling him into a hug. It took a moment for Jensen to respond, but he did, and Jared realized how odd this was. They’d never hugged before, not even as close as they’d gotten. It felt…good. He pulled back, and Jensen looked more relaxed, the hint of a smile on his lips. “You’re gonna take us to the States!”
Waterville was set to host the One-Act Play Regionals that year, in the first week of February, with the States to take place during the third week, in Minnesota. Jensen took Waterville to the States, Jared had to give him credit for that. Jared’d been in the one-act play competition twice, last year as the lead, and he’d never been to the States.
“Looks like your boy’s good for something,” Riley commented at lunch one day. “At least we get to go on a trip.”
“Yeah, and skip a week of classes!” Danneel shoved at Riley’s shoulder, pouting. “Leave all the rest of us here to study and take notes.”
“Yeah, how is that fair?” Chad asked, leaning back in his chair. He shook his head. “I knew I should’ve taken drama.”
Sandy snorted. “Except for the fact that you can’t act.”
Chad spread his arms, his eyes wide. “They could teach me!”
“Well, congratulations, anyway,” Genevieve sighed, feigning annoyance. “Even if you assholes are getting much better treatment than the rest of us.”
Jared laughed. “We are still supposed to do homework while we’re there, you know. And we’ll have separate assignments to turn in to our other classes when we get back. It’s not exactly a vacation.”
“Yeah, but you’re still going on a trip,” Sandy complained.
Jared grinned, looking over at Riley and high-fiving him. “Yeah, we are!”
“So, we’re rooming together, right?” Riley asked, and Jared felt his stomach drop. He tried not to let it show in his face. “Kripke gets his own room, and then us four students split into twos.”
“Um.” Jared took a moment and settled back into his seat. “Actually, Jensen already asked me.” He was lying, but he didn’t care. He had to lie. He wanted to room with Jensen, and it would be best if the reason he gave was his inability to say no when asked.
“What?” Riley’s eyes narrowed, and he leaned on his arms on the table. “So what? What the fuck is this, Jared? We’re friends! We’ve been friends since freshman year! I didn’t think you’d really have to think about who you’d room with. I didn’t know I’d have to fucking ask you.”
Jared leaned forward, aware of the looks his friends were giving him and doing his best to keep calm as Riley stared him down. “Look, I’m sorry, man, it’s just…he asked me, and what was I gonna say?”
“I don’t believe this!” Riley was fuming, and Jared looked away, his eyes down on the table. “This guy has ruined everything for you! He’s practically killing your chances of getting into the Thespian Society, and now you’re letting him come between you and your friends?”
“Jensen didn’t ruin everything,” Sandy said, defending him, her eyes on Riley. “This isn’t his fault.”
“I don’t know why you’re still such a dick to him, even after you got to know him,” Danneel cut in, glaring. “He’s been here in the mornings, and you know what he’s like. There’s nothing wrong with Jensen, and he hasn’t meant to hurt anybody. You’re just an asshole.”
“Oh, really?” Riley turned to her, his arms crossed over his chest, nostrils flared. “See if I take you to the prom.”
Danneel laughed meanly and rolled her eyes. “Don’t flatter yourself. Who ever said I’d go with you, anyway?” There was a hush over the table then, Riley’s mouth hanging open dumbly. Danneel and Riley had been off and on throughout high school, but they’d always managed to get together for the big events, the dances and proms. They were it. “I can find someone else,” she said, shrugging, as if it were no big deal. “And I will. I’ve already been looking.”
“Hey.” Chad’s voice broke the second awkward silence at the table, and everyone turned to him. He looked at Jared apologetically. “Look, I’d hate to say it, but…Riley’s right. At least about one thing.” He shrugged, looking unsure about what he was about to say. “Jensen’s cool and all, but Jared, you…you really haven’t been around much since you started treating Jensen like a friend. You kinda ditched us. I mean, I thought we were closer than that.”
Jared sat, stunned. He didn’t know what to say. He hadn’t thought this would come up, but he’d forgotten about how the trip would affect the group. Hell, the trip wasn’t even a given. Jensen had earned them that. This…This was unexpected.
“Come on, we’re close,” Jared said finally, his tone dismissing any problems between them. He could feel his pulse pounding, and he prayed for understanding, prayed for a miracle. “Things have just been a little different, that’s all.”
The bell rang, and Jared nearly looked up to the ceiling to give thanks. But he didn’t miss the way Chad looked at him and said, “Not in a good way.”
For Jensen, the trip to St. Paul, Minnesota, may as well have been a vacation. He knew he was there for school, and that he still had work to do for his classes, but he’d never been happier or had more fun. He’d felt an odd sense of contentment on the plane when he’d been jostled awake by some turbulence only to find that Jared had fallen asleep on him, Jared’s head on his shoulder. He’d smiled and felt a little warmer on the cold plane, glad to have Jared sitting there next to him.
Kripke carted them around to various attractions in St. Paul while they were there, as the school seemed to require. They were supposed to write a paper either about the trip, or about one of the places they’d gone to, Jensen didn’t even know. He didn’t much care. He just knew that he loved visiting the science museum with Jared, the two of them laughing at how lame it was, because it was filled with obnoxious little kids on class trips. He loved visiting the zoo, Jared doing ridiculous impressions of the animals and nearly spitting out his soda when Jensen joined in. He loved visiting the Cathedral of St. Paul, the two of them barely making it through the tour without laughing too loudly at obscene jokes that shouldn’t be made in such a spiritual place.
He knew that they were there with two other students and Kripke, but it felt like it was just the two of them, having their pictures taken in front of the state capitol, pretending to learn something at the Minnesota History Center. This was what his senior year was supposed to be, fun and celebratory, with his best friend. It made him think of what could have been last year, but then it mostly made him happy that he’d gotten this, this second chance. Last year had been so terrible, and this…this was like a gift.
“Did you see the look on Kripke’s face?” Jared was laughing hysterically as they stumbled into their hotel room when they got back from the cathedral.
Jensen collapsed back on the door, closing it and laughing. “I thought for sure we were gonna get kicked out, and he was gonna kill us!”
“Would’ve been all your fault,” Jared said, shaking his head and tsking.
“Mine?” Jensen laughed, feeling light and dizzy with happiness. “You started it!” He stumbled forward and shoved at Jared, losing his own balance in the process, the two of them toppling over onto Jensen’s bed, laughing.
He landed on top of Jared, Jared’s breath puffing out over his neck, his own laughter dying as heat suddenly flashed through his body. He looked down at Jared, their eyes meeting and smiles slowly fading, so close to each other. Jensen’s heart started pounding, and he froze, afraid to move. He was afraid, period, feelings suddenly bubbling to the surface that he hadn’t actually realized or come to terms with yet. He saw Jared’s eyes widen with the same fear, and felt oddly comforted in that moment. At least they were both experiencing the same thing, even as neither of them moved.
It was frightening, suddenly realizing just how you cared for someone, realizing you were attracted to them, and knowing that being attracted to that particular person made you different. He knew that it wasn’t wrong, but different, and he knew what that meant for him, for them. He knew all of this in a matter of seconds, and it was a shock to his system.
Jensen moved first, breaking eye contact and lowering his head. But then Jared’s hands were framing his face, hesitant. When Jensen looked back up at Jared, the hands dropped, and they stared again, still silent and wide-eyed. And then Jensen thought of everything that had happened that year so far, how drastically Jared had changed things for him, how he’d felt when he’d woken up to find Jared sleeping on his shoulder, and for the rest of the trip so far. He lowered his eyes and then found them closing as he dropped his head, his lips gently brushing over Jared’s. He felt Jared’s gasp, and he paused, freezing again until Jared’s lips pressed up against his.
For all his fear, Jensen wanted to sob with relief, warmth spreading throughout his body as their lips pressed together more firmly. His hands were shaking, but he moved them up to cup Jared’s face and hold him there, his lips slowly opening against Jared’s. He felt Jared’s hesitation, heard it in the hitch of Jared’s breath, and then Jared was opening up with him, their mouths slotting together as Jensen angled his head better. The first touch of their tongues created a spark that traveled down Jensen’s spine, and he sucked in a breath, and then moaned quietly into Jared’s mouth.
It was when Jensen shifted and his erection brushed against Jared’s thigh that he broke the kiss, pulling his head back suddenly. He looked down at Jared, and Jared licked his lips and opened his eyes, still afraid to speak. Jensen decided to break the silence for them, even if his voice did waver.
“Jared…I…um.” He cleared his throat and licked his own lips, tasting Jared there. “Is this okay?” He asked the question with a weight settling in his stomach, preparing himself to hear a negative response. But Jared’s hand slowly made its way up his arm, eventually settling on his shoulder, holding him there.
“Yeah,” Jared whispered, nodding with a jerk of his head. “Yeah, it is.” Jensen smiled softly and leaned down to kiss him again. “Wait.” Jared’s hand held Jensen back, and for a moment he thought that Jared was changing his mind, that weight dropping hard in his stomach again. But Jared’s expression hadn’t changed. “Just…wait.” Jared shifted beneath Jensen and got his elbows under him, moving back on the bed, and Jensen understood then. He hadn’t realized just how uncomfortable they’d been, their legs still dangling off the edge of the bed with the way they’d fallen. Jensen moved, too, lifting off of Jared to give him a little more room and mimicking Jared’s move of kicking his shoes off. Jared looked at him from his spot further up the bed, leaning back against the pillows. He still looked a little unsure of himself, but not of what he felt between them. “Okay.”
Jensen took a breath and crawled up to meet Jared. He leaned over, watching Jared’s eyes close with his own as they kissed again, gradually opening to each other, tongues a little more forceful now. Jared fell back more, and Jensen rolled back on top of him, the kiss growing more heated. Jared broke it once, reminding Jensen that they needed to come up for air once in a while, and then their lips crashed together again, Jensen’s hands skimming up Jared’s sides, his hips thrusting down instinctively when he fell between Jared’s legs. Jared’s breath hitched on a surprised moan, his own hips bucking up to meet Jensen’s, their clothed erections rubbing together. Jensen moved then, his mouth leaving Jared’s and sliding down to Jared’s jaw, his neck. Jared’s hands were on his back, moving lower and then sliding up under his shirt, over his bare skin. Jensen thrust down harder, licking and biting at the sweaty skin of Jared’s neck, and Jared moaned a little louder this time, both of them breathing heavily.
Jensen found a rhythm, his pulse pounding throughout his body, head swimming with a drunken feeling of lust. He found Jared’s lips again, kissing them as he continued thrusting, the friction between them driving him on. His hands moved beneath the hem of Jared’s shirt, up as far as they could go, his thumb passing over one of Jared’s nipples, and Jared gasped against his lips and arched. Jensen started moving harder, faster, unable to stop himself. He could already feel wetness inside his boxers, and he kept going, his body spiraling quickly out of control.
He swept his tongue inside Jared’s mouth, Jared responding in kind. He yanked his head back when Jared suddenly bit down on his bottom lip, and then he heard the change in Jared’s rushed breathing, saw the way Jared threw his head back on the pillows and watched the column of Jared’s neck where moans pushed their way through to escape his open lips. Jared was tense and tight, jerking against Jensen, his fingers pressing bruises into Jensen’s back. Jensen felt his jaw go slack at the sight, at the knowledge of what was happening, his eyes going unfocused. He shoved his hips down hard twice more, and then his spine snapped straight, muscles tense and shaking, wet heat spreading in the crotch of his pants. He was aware of a small cry leaving his throat, and then there was only heavy breathing between them as their bodies relaxed, Jensen conscious of his weight on top of Jared.
Jensen closed his eyes and rolled off of Jared, feeling dizzy, his brain slow and buzzing with what just happened. His chest still heaved, but at a slower rate, and he could feel sweat drying on his body. He squirmed, knowing he had to get rid of the mess in his boxers. He could still feel the imprints of Jared’s fingers on his back, the sharp sting of Jared’s teeth on his bottom lip.
“Are you okay?”
Jensen found the strength to sluggishly turn his head towards Jared, suddenly feeling heavy and tired. “I’m okay,” he said, taking in Jared’s tired glance only briefly before his own eyes fell closed. “Are you?”
“Yeah.”
Jensen wasn’t sure how long he’d slept when he woke up again. He remembered what happened almost immediately, the memory occurring before he even registered the uncomfortable feeling in his boxers. He turned towards Jared and saw him still lying there, sleeping, his shirt rucked up over his chest. Jensen looked at the clock to check the time, suddenly realizing that Kripke would be knocking on their door soon to bring them out for dinner. He sat up and then leaned over Jared, gently shaking Jared’s shoulder.
“Jared? Hey, man, wake up, we gotta get cleaned up and ready to go.” Jared whined but slowly obeyed, his eyes opening one at a time.
They showered quickly, changing their clothes. When Jensen was finished with his shower, he came out of the bathroom to find Jared sitting on the edge of the bed they’d just shared, watching TV. Jared smiled at him, and Jensen smiled back.
It was their last night in Minnesota, the competition already over. Waterville hadn’t won, but it didn’t matter. They’d had fun, more fun than Jared could ever remember having before. He raced Jensen to the vending machines at the hotel late that night, a set at each end of the hall. They ran for the one on the right, laughing and shoving at each other, the touches like little sparks between them. Jared had been caught up in this new little world with Jensen since they’d gotten here, but once they’d kissed, he was a goner. He was happy with Jensen, and he took a chance as they ran down the hall, grabbing at Jensen’s shirt and kissing him before running past him.
“Not fair!” Jensen called after him, and Jared just laughed, skidding to a stop at the vending machines and picking out the soda and candy bar he wanted. Jensen ran right into him, almost tackling him, and pushed him up against the vending machine. “You play dirty,” he huffed, kissing Jared again. Then he pushed Jared out of the way and got his own soda.
They walked back down the hall, arms brushing together. Jared shoved Jensen once as they got closer to the room, and Jensen laughed and pushed Jared up against their room door. Jared laughed and kissed him, the two of them touching and flirting, and that was when Jensen got bold in the empty hallway and grinned, his hand cupping Jared’s crotch.
“Am I interrupting something?”
Jared’s face fell, his eyes watching Jensen’s do the same thing. He felt Jensen’s hand move away, felt his heart pick up speed, because he knew the voice all too well. When he looked up, he saw Riley, a drink and snacks in his own hands, heading back from the vending machines at the other end of the hall. Riley was staring, his jaw set tight, eyes shocked but accusatory. Jared dropped his gaze, saw how red Jensen’s face was, and how Jensen wouldn’t turn to look at Riley. He cleared his throat, his own face burning, and ignored Riley’s question, pulling the room key from his pocket and turning to open the door.
He let Jensen enter first and then walked inside, closing the door behind him. He stood, numb, watching Jensen sink onto the edge of his bed out of the corner of his eye. Jared chewed at his bottom lip. He’d never live this down. Riley would never let this go. Part of him irrationally thought that maybe Riley wouldn’t say anything, but Jared knew better. Judging by the look on Jensen’s face, Jensen did, too.
“I’m sorry,” Jensen said quietly, his voice odd in the silence. “I didn’t mean to get us caught.”
“It’s not your fault,” Jared answered, slowly walking over and sitting down next to Jensen. “Nothing’s your fault.”
“What do we do?”
“I don’t know,” Jared said honestly, dread causing a nasty taste to build up in the back of his throat. “I guess we just prepare ourselves for when we get back.”
“I don’t want this to end,” Jensen said suddenly, a hint of panic in his voice. Jared looked at him and saw the fear and sadness there. “I don’t wanna go home.”
Jared turned to face forward, staring at the blank TV screen. “Me neither.”
Jensen parked his car and was slow to get out of it, hefting his schoolbag up onto his shoulder. He started walking, trying not to think about it, but he had to. He couldn’t push it away while heading for Waterville High and the breakfast table. He liked to think of it as where he’d meet Jared, but Jared’s friends would be there, too, including Riley. The walk took him longer than usual, and he took a deep breath before walking through the double doors on the side of the school, around the way from the main entrance. He stood on the landing inside, facing the staircases, two going up and two going down. He started to head for the down staircase that led to the cafeteria when he heard voices. They didn’t fully register at first, but then he recognized them. It was Jared…Jared and Chad. He paused when he heard his own name mentioned in hushed, harsh whispers, the two of them speaking privately at the bottom of the staircase.
“What the fuck are you thinking, Jared?”
“Nothing!”
“Damn straight! I mean, Jesus, man. I understood it at first. I understood hating him, I understood him being in your way, and I understood being nice to him to try to get around that. But then you ditch the rest of us for him? And now…Christ, Jared, don’t you think you’ve gone too far? I know it was harsh for Gen to say you were using him, but fuck, you were! And now it’s even down to letting him get you off?”
“Look, Chad, you don’t understand-”
“Oh, what, next are you gonna tell me that you’re gay, and you’re in love with him? That you have feelings for him?”
“No! No, of course not…”
Jensen backed away slowly, moving back on the landing, towards the double doors. Jared and Chad were still arguing, still whispering, but he didn’t have to hear anymore. He didn’t want to. His mind was reeling, praying that this wasn’t real, that it was just a dream, and he hadn’t really woken up to come to school yet. He suddenly felt nauseous, felt like his chest had sunken in, a lump beginning to form in his throat. He couldn’t breathe, and he backed up until he hit the bar on the door and it swung open, the noise echoing in the stairwell.
And then he turned around and ran, ignoring the sound of Jared exiting the doors behind him and calling his name. He ran halfway to his car and then stopped, collapsing against the side of a house and gasping for breath, running a trembling hand through his hair and over his face. He wasn’t going to cry. He couldn’t cry, not now, not when he’d fought it for so long. He couldn’t break. He couldn’t let that happen, couldn’t let them or Jared break him. Just the thought of Jared’s name had him fighting back tears. He closed his eyes and breathed deeply through his nose, fighting valiantly.
It was a long time before the feeling passed, and he imagined the first period bell ringing, everyone in pre-calc pulling out their books and taking notes, Jared staring at the empty seat in front of him. And all Jensen could do was blame himself. He never should have talked to Jared that day after the auditions for the fall play. He never should have taken the chance, and now he didn’t know why he did. Because he’d fallen for someone who obviously hated him? Because he’d actually allow himself to trust someone like that? He knew better. He should’ve known better.
It hurt. All of it hurt. But the worst part was to think of the week they’d just spent in Minnesota, how happy he’d been there, and how it all had to do with Jared being there with him. It was what they’d done, that extra step, and how Jared had denied feeling anything at all for it.
Jensen sat alongside the house for a little while longer and then he hauled himself up to his feet and dragged himself the rest of the way to his car. He wasn’t going to Waterville High today. He couldn’t face it.
Part 4