No Place Like Home, Part 2 (of 2)
Title: No Place Like Home, Part 2 (of 2)
Pairing: J2
Rating: R
Word Count: 15,416
Warnings: Spoilers up to 4.14, hurt!Jared, angst
Disclaimer: They own themselves. And my soul.
Synopsis: When Jared wakes up injured in an abandoned building, he has no memory of how he got there. Help shows up in the form of Sam and Dean Winchester. They help him find a way back home, where he's reunited with Jensen, only to find that nothing is as it seems.
Notes: This fic was bugging me, and I finally managed to finish it and make some sense of it. Now the first part doesn't seem so weird and random. It was going to contain some actual smut, but...somehow, that didn't work out.
Banner by ala_tariel
He didn't remember what happened. He remembered his name, the year, knew where he was, and remembered what couldn't have been real. Now that he'd woken up here, he knew that he had a fever, a concussion, and that he'd dislocated his shoulder, which was still giving him some pain. But he didn't remember how he'd really ended up here. He looked to Jensen, who nodded and assured the nurses that he'd fill Jared in. Jared felt weak and tired, pain medication coursing through his body, but he wanted to hear whatever Jensen had to tell him. He was so disoriented, everything that he'd been through with Sam and Dean still clear in his head, and he needed to ground himself in reality again.
Jensen sat down in the chair he'd been in when Jared had woken him up and leaned forward, rubbing a hand up and down Jared's arm. Jared looked up at him, and, despite his own fear and confusion, offered him a small smile. Jensen's smile was brief, and Jared desperately wanted to erase the worry and sadness in Jensen's eyes. It reminded him too much of Dean. He remembered wondering if Jensen was feeling any of what Dean had been feeling, and realized now that he must have been. He shifted, shrugging Jensen's hand away, only to reach up and grasp it in his own and squeeze. Jensen raised an eyebrow and smirked, but squeezed back.
"You scared the shit out of me, Jared," Jensen finally said, resting their clasped hands on the bed and idly reaching up and brushing hair out of Jared's eyes. He took a deep breath and looked away, his free hand passing over his face. "Christ, I almost thought I'd killed you."
"What?" Jared asked, his voice a little louder than he meant for it to be. He hadn’t expected Jensen to say that. Jensen flinched and pulled his hand free of Jared's.
"It was an accident, Jay," Jensen clarified quickly. "Just a stupid fucking accident. We had the fight scene..."
Jensen paused and looked to Jared, and Jared's eyes narrowed as he concentrated. Some things were coming back to him, but not everything. He wracked his brain, searching for the memory, a vague one creeping out from the shadows of Sam and Dean fighting because of some siren. Jared nodded, and Jensen continued.
“I was supposed to rush you, break the door down behind you. But something went wrong, and the door didn’t…It didn’t break away like it was supposed to. It did, but we ended up on an angle, and I…I forced you into the wall.”
Jensen paused, head lowered, and Jared reached for his hand again, bringing it back up on the bed. Jensen didn’t look up at him, just ran his other hand through his hair and swallowed thickly.
“Shit, Jay, I’m sorry,” he said quietly, green eyes dulled by guilt and remorse.
“You didn’t mean to,” Jared said, squeezing Jensen’s hand again. “Wasn’t your fault, Jensen.”
“No, I didn’t mean to,” Jensen agreed. “But you don’t know what that was like. I couldn’t stop, the momentum just…I fuckin’ slammed you into the wall, and then you just…fell. It was like there was this sound, you know? And then it was just quiet. I felt you hit, heard you hit, and then you were just…”
“Come on, man,” Jared said, pushing down his own emotions at the sight of Jensen’s and forcing a smile. “It would take a hell of a lot more than you to kill me.”
He laughed, but Jensen didn’t. Jensen just looked back at him, all pain, fear, and guilt, and Jared’s laughter died on his lips. He could see Jensen swallowing, fighting back tears that were threatening to spill.
“I’m so sorry, Jared,” Jensen whispered. “I’m so sorry. I put you in the fuckin’ hospital.”
Jared frowned, wanting to speak up and tell Jensen to stop, tell him again that it wasn’t his fault, and that if the props and the set hadn’t failed, Jensen wouldn’t have hurt him at all. But he could see that it was useless, and, when he thought about it, he knew how terrible he would feel if he were in Jensen’s shoes. He thought back to the summer, when Jensen was filming with Kerr, and managed to accidentally split Kerr’s eye open. Jensen still felt bad about that whenever he thought about it. And this was a lot worse.
“I saw you fall,” Jensen continued quietly. “You just slid down to the floor, in my arms, and I thought you were…I knew I’d felt something just…sort of…pop when you hit the wall.” Jared grimaced, feeling a slight pain in his shoulder at Jensen’s description. “Then you were unconscious, and all I could think about was, ‘What if he doesn’t wake up? What if I really hurt him? What am I gonna tell his family?’
“I’m alright now,” Jared assured him, even if he was weak, his brain still feeling fuzzy around the edges. “And they wouldn’t have blamed you. Nobody would. I don’t blame you.” Jensen didn’t answer, just kept his eyes on the floor. Jared fidgeted slightly in the bed. “Hey…what about the fever?”
“What?” Jensen looked up at him, confused. “Oh. Oh, yeah, you were already feeling a bit under the weather, and we were just trying to get the scene done.” He finally laughed, but it was bitter. “Man, I really know how to kick ‘em when they’re down, huh?”
“Stop it,” Jared groaned, unable to continue keeping his annoyance at bay any longer, and rolling his eyes. “Look, I know how terrible you must feel, but it wasn’t you, okay? You keep this up, I really will be pissed at you, just for not forgiving yourself.”
“Wouldn’t want that.” Jensen’s smile was genuine this time. He pulled his hand away from Jared’s and pressed a little fist bump into Jared’s arm. “I’m glad you’re okay, asshole.”
“Yeah, me too, you fuckin’ pussy,” Jared spat playfully. Jensen chuckled and settled back into his chair. Jared eyed the blanket draped over the back of it. “So…you stayed?”
“Yeah,” Jensen said, following Jared’s gaze to the blanket behind him and then shrugging, keeping his eyes averted. “Yeah, you know, just wanted to be here…” He trailed off, shrugging again, trying to play it off like it was no big deal, and Jared grinned.
“Big fuckin’ softy,” Jared teased, and Jensen stiffened and rolled his eyes.
“Shut up!”
“No, I appreciate it, man,” Jared said seriously, his grin subsiding. “I mean it. You’re the only family I have here. It’s nice to know…It’s nice,” he finished lamely.
“Don’t mention it.”
****
He wasn’t sure why he’d wanted to see it. But he’d snagged a copy of the dailies anyway, and sat back in his trailer and watched it. It was so strange, watching himself go through something he couldn’t remember, though the visual did bring back vague details. He watched Jensen rush him, watched the door break away on one side, tilting, any sense of direction or balance that either of them had thrown out the window as they both gasped in surprise and went careening sideways through the opening and into the wall, Jared’s body jarred between it and Jensen. He saw himself hit and collapse like a ton of bricks. He saw Jensen grimace and fall with him before panic and horror showed on Jensen’s face, Jensen’s arms circling around his lifeless body.
“No, no, no…Oh, God, no, Jared!”
He could hear Jensen’s voice rising above the voices of the crew; see people pushing Jensen away to get to him, Jensen shaking, his eyes wide and chest heaving.
“Is he…What happened? What did I do? Oh, God, I’m sorry, I’m so sorry, I didn’t mean to…”
It was disturbing watching it, seeing himself lying there unconscious and Jensen panicking, begging someone to tell him Jared would be okay. The main focus was on Jared, of course, but Jensen wasn’t alone. He had people there trying to comfort him, trying to tell him that everything would be okay, and that it wasn’t his fault. But Jensen’s terror was still palpable through the screen, and it twisted Jared up inside to see it.
He paused the video, fidgeting in his seat. He was shaken after watching it, but there was something else about it, something he couldn’t quite put his finger on. He rewound it, back to before the accident happened, and watched closely. And there it was.
There was something off between him and Jensen. Granted, they were filming a tense scene between Sam and Dean, and they had to keep the mood going. But this wasn’t like them, even in that situation. He could see himself avoiding Jensen, keeping out of reach and refusing eye contact until the scene began, his body tense. He could see Jensen’s shoulders slumping, dejected body language, a combination of sadness and anger in his eyes whenever he looked at Jared.
Jared jumped at the knock on his door, Jensen opening it and walking in a few seconds later.
“Hey, man, we…” Jensen trailed off, his eyes catching on the screen, some of the color leaving his face as the video continued to play through the accident. He tensed, a guarded look in his eyes as he stalked over and grabbed the remote out of Jared’s hands to turn the video off. “Why were you watching that?” he hissed, tossing the remote back down next to Jared on the couch, still facing the TV.
“I don’t know,” Jared said, eyeing the back of his friend’s head. “It felt weird not remembering it, I guess.”
“Don’t see why you’d want to remember it,” Jensen grumbled, turning around without looking Jared in the eye, arms crossed over his chest. Jared waited a bit before speaking again, the nervous question fluttering around in his brain.
“Jensen?” Jensen grunted roughly in response. “Before this happened, what…Did we have a fight?”
“No,” Jensen answered, a little too quickly, his eyes momentarily betraying the truth as his body tensed even more where he stood. Jared stood up in front of Jensen, and Jensen still avoided his gaze.
“You’re lying,” Jared said quietly, surprise in his voice. “You’re lying to me. Jensen…” He stepped back, trying to collect his thoughts. The novelty of the situation was wearing off, and anger was rising inside of him. He pushed it down for the moment, trying and failing to make eye contact with Jensen. “Tell me what happened.”
“Nothing happened Jare-”
“You’re lying to me!” Jared shouted, the outburst surprising even him, and Jensen flinched. “For fuck’s sake, Jensen!” He took a deep breath, and ran his hands through his hair, calming himself. He looked at Jensen, who stood stubbornly expressionless, remembered the look on Jensen’s face in the video, and suddenly felt regret for something he wasn’t sure he did. “Did I do something?” Jensen stood frozen, not answering. “Look, man, if I fucked something up, just please, tell me.”
“You didn’t fuck up,” Jensen said quietly, his eyes flicking to Jared’s. “I did. Okay? I fucked up.”
“What?” Jared’s relief was short-lived, replaced with simmering anger again. “What, so you fuck things up between us, and since I can’t remember it, you just keep it to yourself? What kind of shit is that? Jesus Christ, Jensen! These are my fucking memories we’re talking about! You have no right to keep this from me!”
“Please,” Jensen spoke up, his arms unfolding to hold his hands out in front of him in a pleading gesture, emotion finally showing on his face. “Please, Jared, it was just one stupid thing I shouldn’t have told you, alright? I just don’t want to go there again. I don’t want us to fight anymore.”
“Well, too fucking bad, asshole!” Jared batted Jensen’s hands away. “Forget whatever you didn’t tell me. You think I’m gonna forgive you for this? You act like you’re all upset, like you fucking care that I’m hurt and shit, and then you fucking take advantage of what I can’t remember?? What else aren’t you telling me? Are you sure what happened was just a fucking accident?”
Jared regretted those last words almost as soon as they left his mouth. He was pissed, and he had every right to be. He knew that. But, deep down, he knew he couldn’t accuse Jensen of harming him intentionally. Jensen’s fear over what had happened was something nobody could fake. Neither was the hurt in Jensen’s eyes at that moment.
“Jared…I would never hurt you.”
Jared turned away at that, resting his head in his hands for a moment. Jensen’s voice hadn’t wavered, but he’d still sounded so wrecked. Jared could hear the misery in Jensen’s tone, the thought that he’d gone too far with Jared, that their friendship was ending, and that his heart was breaking over it. It made the same emotions take hold in Jared, and Jared hated it, wanted to make it all better, but didn’t know how. He was so confused. He’d woken up so relieved to see Jensen that he’d been in tears, and now he felt so betrayed.
“I’m sorry,” Jensen said to his back. Jared didn’t turn around. “I was afraid that I’d ruined our friendship, and I didn’t want to do it again. It was wrong, and I was a coward, and I shouldn’t have used what happened against you like that.”
“What did you tell me?” Jared slowly turned to look at him, swearing he could almost see the tension between them. “What could’ve been so bad, huh? Did we argue? Did you hurt my feelings a little with some stupid little insult, and think that we couldn’t get over that?” He watched Jensen hesitate, hands shaking, then realize he had nothing to lose.
“I told you that…” Jensen looked down at his trembling fingers. “I told you that I loved you.”
The words were unexpected, taking a moment to sink in before Jared felt the air whoosh out of him. That was the last thing he’d expected Jensen to say. Jensen’s apologetic gaze met his, and he squeezed his eyes shut, vague memories coming back to him that were more like the ghosts of feelings: disbelief, denial, anger.
“What did I say?” he asked, keeping his eyes closed. He already felt like an asshole, already knew that his reaction had been negative, and that Jensen must have felt like shit after coming clean about something that was obviously so hard for him to admit.
“You didn’t say much of anything,” Jensen answered, shrugging and doing his best to appear calm. “You just…sort of…pushed me away and then told me that I should start looking for a new place.”
“Oh, fuck.” Jared dropped his head in his hands. He was shocked and confused by Jensen’s confession, as he must’ve been the first time, but that didn’t justify him tossing his best friend to the curb for admitting his feelings.
“It’s okay.” Jensen’s quiet voice drifted towards him. “I never should have said anything, Jared. I wasn’t even sure if you were…” Jensen hesitated, and Jared let his hands drop back to their sides, “I wasn’t sure if you’d feel the same way, or if it would even amount to anything. I should’ve just kept my mouth shut instead of fucking with our friendship.”
“No. No, Jensen. It’s not okay.” Jared shook his head, dismayed by the fact that Jensen would actually accept the way Jared had treated him. “It’s not okay. I never should have done that to you.”
“It doesn’t matter, okay?” Jensen replied, shrugging. Jared gaped at him.
“Of course it matters, Jensen! I’m your friend, and these are your feelings! You can’t just hide them away and pretend they don’t exist.”
“I can,” Jensen said, boldly looking Jared in the eye. “I can if it means that this will happen. I can if it means I’ll lose my best friend.” Jensen heaved a heavy sigh, suddenly looking exhausted. “Please, I know I dropped this bomb, but we can we please just forget about it? Can we just forget that it even happened? I just want us to go back to what we were before. If I lose that, then…”
“You’d really want that?” Jared asked, staring at Jensen in disbelief. “You’d really want to still go back to being best friends, even after I treated you the way I did? You should be pissed at me, Jensen.” Jensen shook his head, stepping closer, troubled green eyes staring up at him.
“I thought you were dead, Jared. It was only a split second, but I thought you were dead. I know you said that all of this matters, but it really doesn’t. Mistakes, arguments, they don’t matter. Life is too short.”
“And you think that telling me how you felt was a mistake?” Jared asked, hating himself for making Jensen feel that way. Jensen didn’t answer, his eyes lowering, and Jared took a deep breath. “Okay. I want you to listen to me, alright?’ Jensen looked up again and nodded. “I’m going to say what I should have said when you first told me. I just need some time and some space to think about this, okay? Just…let me sort things out in my head. But don’t ever think that you can’t tell me anything, even if it’s something like this.”
Jensen nodded again, looking completely and utterly defeated; as if that was the last thing he wanted to come out of this. He’d wanted it to be forgotten, and felt that any time spent thinking about it or discussing it would make Jared reject him again. And Jared really couldn’t blame him for that.
****
“Beat that, asshole!”
“Oh, I will!” Jensen said, smiling at him fondly.
They’d already been playing for hours, opting for a lazy day, both of them crashed on the couch in pajama pants, Wii remotes in their hands and beers on the table in front of them. They were content, happy. Jensen was happy. He glanced over at Jared again in the middle of the game, still smiling. His tone was a bit more serious when he spoke, but not enough to interrupt the game. They did that often, having serious conversations during game play, because that made it easier. They were guys, after all.
“Hey, Jay?” Jared grunted, eyes fixed on the screen. “There’s something I have to tell you.”
“Me too,” Jared answered, smirking. Jensen looked at him curiously.
“Yeah?”
“Yeah.” Jared reached over and grabbed Jensen’s wrist, shaking it wildly, Jensen crying out in protest, and Jared laughing maniacally. “Your car just crashed!”
Jensen lunged for him, managing to get Jared’s Wii remote out of his hands and tossing it out of Jared’s reach, effectively sabotaging Jared’s own car. A wrestling match ensued, the game long forgotten as the two of them grappled, landing on the floor, laughing and fighting for the upper hand. Jared suddenly found himself pinned, nothing he couldn’t get out of. But they were both panting and flushed, and that was when he felt Jensen’s erection pressing into his thigh. His eyebrows drew together in confusion, breath caught in his throat, and he was prepared to either ignore it or laugh it off until he saw Jensen’s face. Jensen hovered above him, eyes darkened but flitting back and forth nervously, licking his lips. Jared could feel him shaking.
“Jared, I love you.”
Jared froze at the quiet confession, his eyes wide, hard warmth insistent on his thigh. A storm boiled up inside of him, and he snapped out of his trance, catching Jensen off guard and pushing him away with force, Jensen landing with a groan on the floor. Jared hurriedly scrambled to his feet, breathing heavily. He stared down at Jensen, angry words running through his head, Jensen looking up at him, confused, vulnerable, hurt, and pissed all at once. Jared left him there, on the floor, not a word passing between them, and fled up the stairs to his room.
****
It wasn’t fair. None of it was. He’d spent so long fighting for a relationship that had failed. He’d spent so much time denying what the fans squealed about on the internet, so much time convincing everyone that he was in love, and that it was real. When it came down to it, no one had believed him, not even her. It still hurt, burning fresh inside of him, no matter how long it had been. It had been a longer relationship. He was still dealing, still coming down from that, and he wanted nothing more than to have his best friend around, a constant distraction from unhappy thoughts. Until Jensen dumped this on him. It wasn’t fair.
Jensen was the mature one. That much was obvious, even to Jared. There was silence between them until the next morning. Where Jared’s silence was shifty and brooding, Jensen’s was open and patient. Jensen was the adult here. And Jared resented him even more for it.
Jensen didn’t speak up until Jared came into the kitchen after his run, downing a glass of water, Jensen standing and leaning against the counter, cup of coffee in his hands, glasses perched on his nose.
“Are we gonna talk about this?” Jensen asked, voice smooth and calm. “Because I don’t think we should go to work like this.”
Jared tensed, chest still heaving slightly from his workout, slick with sweat. He lowered the glass slowly, glaring at Jensen. Damn him for doing this, for ruining what Jared had thought was so peaceful and easy. It was simple. Jensen changed that. And damn him for being so level-headed about it, as if it was no big deal, and they could just talk about it like it was any other regular old conversation. It wasn’t. It would never be. It was a huge change, a big step that Jared had fought against for so long. He was too stubborn to flake on that now. He set his glass down in the sink and walked away, back to Jensen, stopping in the entryway.
“I think you should find a new place to live,” he said, his voice so cold he barely even recognized it himself.
He didn’t turn to see the look on Jensen’s face, and Jensen didn’t stop him when he continued to walk away.
****
It had come back to him. Somehow or another, it had all came back to him, like a twisted flashback of a version of himself that he couldn’t identify. It all made sense to him, now. What he’d seen when he was knocked out was just his subconscious trying to reach out to him, show him what he was throwing away. He’d dismissed Jensen so easily in his waking life for childish reasons that were much less than fair. They weren’t Jensen’s fault, and it wasn’t right to project his own jumbled emotions onto Jensen, when Jensen had never been anything but kind and supportive.
After what he’d been through, he knew the truth behind the saying, “You don’t know what you’ve got till it’s gone.” He’d lived without Jensen, without that strength and friendship backing him up, without that light in his life. The only thing he’d had to replace it with was Dean, a shell of the person he used to be, and the embodiment of the guilt, rejection, fear, and sadness that Jared had left Jensen with in real life. And seeing that had been something akin to torture. Dean had been wary and afraid of both Jared and Sam. And Sam? Sam was dark and angry, as Jared had been before he’d been knocked unconscious. Moreover, Sam was angry at him, for the way he’d made Dean feel. It was like the two sides of Jared warring against each other, until they’d finally made peace, and Sam had helped Jared find his way back home, with Dean’s approval.
Dean’s approval. Jensen had been so worried, had stayed with him at the hospital, his only hope that Jared would be okay. He’d stayed, even though Jared had forcefully rejected him and refused him the comforts of his home, which he’d been so happy and willing to give when he’d asked Jensen to move in with him.
Jared walked into his dining room to find Jensen sitting at the table, glasses on and a mug of coffee in front of him, one hand holding a newspaper and the other scratching Sadie behind the ears. Sadie whined when Jared walked into the room, as if even she disapproved of the way Jared had treated Jensen, and Jared felt his self-esteem plummet even lower. Jensen looked up at him, the paper in his hand lowered to the table. Jared could see him tense; see the apprehension in his eyes.
“So…” Jared started, smiling weakly and trying to lighten the mood. “I guess you’re gay, then, huh?” Jensen smirked a little, his eyes still trained on him warily.
“I guess so.”
Jared sighed, hanging his head, the smile leaving his face, and he walked over to where Jensen sat, Sadie grumbling and moving out of his way. He paused when his eyes caught on the paper on the table in front of Jensen. His heart sank. Jensen was looking at apartments.
“Come here,” Jared said, his voice barely above a whisper.
“What?”
“Get up.” Jensen hesitated but stood, and Jared wrapped his arms around him, gathering him up in a tight hug. It took a moment, but Jensen eventually responded, returning the hug. “I’m sorry.”
“That I’m gay?” Jensen joked, dry humor in his voice.
“What?” Jared laughed, pulling back and looking at Jensen, happy to see the playful spark in Jensen’s eye. “No! Fuck no, of course not. I’m sorry for the way I treated you.”
“Jared…”
“No,” Jared said, cutting him off. “No, I remember it, now. I remember it all.” Jensen flushed and looked away. “Jensen, it wasn’t your fault. You didn’t do anything wrong. I had my own issues going on, and I took them out on you. I blamed you for things that were out of your control. I was angry for all the wrong reasons.”
“I lied to you,” Jensen replied, shaking his head. “I took advantage of you. Maybe I was innocent then, but I’m not innocent now.”
“Okay,” Jared agreed, hands held up in front of him, making Jensen pause. “Okay. So we both screwed up. We both made mistakes. We can call it even. This was all just a big mistake. Just…” His eyes flicked down to the paper still lying flat on the table, and then looked back at Jensen with pleading eyes. “Just don’t leave. Please. Don’t leave.”
“You…You’d be okay with…” Jensen gestured vaguely at himself. “It won’t make you feel weird?”
“No,” Jared said honestly. He gulped then, unsure of the feelings stirring in his chest. “I mean, I…I don’t know if I…I don’t know. But I want you here. I want you to be this much of a part of my life. And I want you to be able to tell me anything, even if it has to do with me.” Jensen started to smile, and Jared felt a little lighter. “I do love you, Jensen. I’m not sure if it’s the same way that you love me. But you’re my best friend. You’re family. And I need that. I need you.” Jensen smiled, a full grin this time, and hugged Jared again.
“So, what changed your mind?”
Jared pulled away, smiling shyly and rubbing the back of his neck.
“I think I got some sense knocked into me.”
****
Jared had to be careful. He had to make sure his feelings were his true feelings, and not pity, settling, rebounding, or anything equally as bad. Jensen’s situation did make him feel bad. His best friend was in love with him, and he wasn’t sure yet how to deal with that. And it both hurt and helped him to know that Jensen was so willing to suffer through it and just be his friend. Jensen was willing to deny his feelings, just to keep Jared in his life. It hurt to think of what Jensen must have been feeling inside, but, at the same time, having someone love him that much was just…indescribable. It was this amazing unconditional love that he hadn’t thought possible. It made him look at Jensen in a different way, respect him more.
But he couldn’t fall in love with that. He couldn’t just fall in love with an idea. He’d done that before. It had to be deeper than that. Looking back now, he realized that all that time he’d spent trying to convince everyone that his relationship was real, he’d most likely been trying to convince himself, too. It wasn’t that he hadn’t loved her. He had. But maybe not as much as he should have. But Jared was like that. He was loyal to a fault, and more insecure than most people thought. Once he was attached, he wouldn’t let go. He’d been so surprised, felt so lucky, to have ended up with her to begin with. He knew he could be a big kid sometimes, didn’t think anybody else would enjoy that the way she did, and so he didn’t want to lose her. He’d been in love with an idea. And now he had to move on, take things for what they really were.
He couldn’t deny that he could see why just about everyone thought he and Jensen were an item. The friendship he and Jensen had was…different, especially for two guys. It was special. And when he thought about it now, it was the relationship he’d always focused on most, the one he really couldn’t stand to live without. He’d call his girlfriend because it was the right thing to do, because he was supposed to, because he was a good boyfriend and wanted to keep that title. He’d treated it like a job, like it was work. But the person he’d really wanted to call, to talk to about every little thing going on his life, was Jensen. But didn’t that happen with close friends? Didn’t friends want to only spend time with each other and no one else? Didn’t friends want to live together, so that they’d have that constant feeling of security? Didn’t friends long for each other when they were away, so much so that it brought them to tears when they were reunited? Didn’t friends beg each other not to leave, so that they wouldn’t have to wake up in the morning without the other one there?
At that thought, Jared almost laughed at himself. He was being ridiculous. Of course friends didn’t do those things. Sure, friendships could run deep, but he and Jensen were another story. He’d denied it for so long, trying to keep his struggling idea alive, loyal to a fault. But Jensen was different. Jensen was special.
****
They sat on the couch playing video games, drinks and snacks on the table, a slight tension in the air, as they both remembered what had started the whole mess between them. They’d agreed to leave it behind, knew that they could deal with it, but it was still there. Jared noticed Jensen sitting farther away from him than usual, the space between them larger than he’d ever seen. He looked over at Jensen, at the dogs on the floor, and saw now that this was what he’d really always wanted. It wasn’t just an idea. It was real.
He did his best to stealthily scoot closer to Jensen, the other man’s eyes fixed on the screen, as they had been the whole time, as if he was afraid of initiating another argument just by looking at Jared. He knew the moment Jensen noticed him, felt him pressed up against his side, because Jensen’s breathing changed. It was a sharp intake of breath, and then a forced calm, breaths too measured out and timed too perfectly. Jared reached over and grabbed Jensen’s wrist, stilling the Wii remote in his hand.
“Trying to sabotage me again?” Jensen laughed nervously, still keeping his eyes averted.
“No.” Jared shook his head, gently pulling the remote from Jensen’s hand, Jensen’s fingers opening up easily for him. He tossed it on the floor, along with his own, and Jensen finally turned to him, eyes widening at how close Jared actually was.
“What are you…”
Jared leaned in, closing the distance between them, closing his eyes and pressing his lips against Jensen’s slightly parted ones, hot erratic little puffs of breath fanning out over them. He shivered, lifting a shaky hand to cup Jensen’s jaw, the other one sliding down to his hip, holding him there.
“Don’t,” Jensen choked out, and Jared knew what Jensen was feeling just from the sound of his voice. But Jensen was wrong. This wasn’t just pity, and Jared wasn’t just fucking with him, with his emotions. This was real.
“It’s okay,” Jared breathed, moving closer, lips brushing Jensen’s again. “It’s okay.”
Jensen shuddered, resisting and confused, before finally cupping Jared’s face with both hands and pulling him in, opening him up for a kiss. Jared’s breath hitched in surprise, not just at Jensen’s insistence, firm lips clashing with his, tongue parting them eagerly. He was surprised at the effect it had on him, the chill that ran down his spine chased by a smoldering heat. He wanted this, probably for much longer than he’d realized.
Jensen was aggressive and firm, groaning as he brushed his tongue against Jared’s, pulling Jared’s tongue in and sucking on it. He tasted strange, yet familiar, like beer and nachos and the gum he constantly chewed, Jared recognizing it on his tongue. He couldn’t get enough of it, chasing the flavor of Jensen’s mouth, relishing it, and not even realizing that he needed oxygen until Jensen pulled away, air hurriedly filling his lungs.
“Fuck Jared,” Jensen breathed, chest heaving, eyes darkened with arousal. “I swear to God, if you’re fuckin’ with me…”
“No.” Jared shook his head, reaching for Jensen’s hand and guiding it to his crotch, feeling the ache there. “I want this. I want you.” Jensen squeezed and rubbed, Jared bucking and hissing, but Jensen still eyed him with a combination of lust and uncertainty.
“Are you sure? Because I know we’ve been through a lot lately, and you might be confu-”
“I’m not confused,” Jared said, cutting him off and grunting when Jensen removed his hand. He closed his eyes and collected himself before staring back at Jensen. “I’ve thought about this. I’ve thought about this a lot.” Jensen sighed, sitting back against the couch, palming himself a little to take the edge off, and Jared could see that he was reluctantly deciding to talk about this.
“I guess I just don’t get it,” Jensen admitted, looking curiously at Jared. “I don’t get how this accident just made you do a complete 180 on this.”
Jared wasn’t sure how to answer that. Telling Jensen exactly what he’d gone through would just make him sound insane. And he’d have to tell him the whole story if he was going to convince Jensen that it’d felt like he’d been fighting for his life. In reality, things weren’t that serious. He’d had a pretty bad concussion, but nothing that he wouldn’t recover from. There were times when he wondered about his own sanity, because he’d swear that it’d all felt real, and that the whole thing wasn’t just some concussion-induced dream, his subconscious giving him a swift kick in the ass.
“I don’t think I can make you understand,” Jared said slowly, and Jensen raised an eyebrow. “Not unless you believe in alternate realities.” Jensen rolled his eyes and Jared smiled.
“What the hell are you talking about, Jared?”
“Something happened while I was unconscious.” Jared cleared his throat and fidgeted, wondering how far he could go with this. “I…I saw things.”
“You mean like a dream?” Jensen asked, giving him a concerned look. “Because, you know, you were unconscious. Those things happen.”
“Maybe,” Jared hedged. “I mean, yeah, it was something like that. Look, all I know is, it felt like I was never going to wake up.” At that, Jensen paled, eyes looking as pained as the day the accident had happened. “I know it wasn’t really that bad, but that was what it felt like to me. I had to fight for it. And when I did…I fought for you. I mean, I thought about other things, and my family, and home, but you were the first thing on my mind. I wanted to wake up for you.”
There was a long pause, the only sounds the two of them breathing, and the long forgotten video game playing on the screen.
“So, I guess you’re gay, then, huh?” Jensen asked, all serious, until he couldn’t contain the grin he was holding back. Jared laughed his first real laugh since he’d woken up.
“Yeah, I guess so.”
Pairing: J2
Rating: R
Word Count: 15,416
Warnings: Spoilers up to 4.14, hurt!Jared, angst
Disclaimer: They own themselves. And my soul.
Synopsis: When Jared wakes up injured in an abandoned building, he has no memory of how he got there. Help shows up in the form of Sam and Dean Winchester. They help him find a way back home, where he's reunited with Jensen, only to find that nothing is as it seems.
Notes: This fic was bugging me, and I finally managed to finish it and make some sense of it. Now the first part doesn't seem so weird and random. It was going to contain some actual smut, but...somehow, that didn't work out.
Banner by ala_tariel
He didn't remember what happened. He remembered his name, the year, knew where he was, and remembered what couldn't have been real. Now that he'd woken up here, he knew that he had a fever, a concussion, and that he'd dislocated his shoulder, which was still giving him some pain. But he didn't remember how he'd really ended up here. He looked to Jensen, who nodded and assured the nurses that he'd fill Jared in. Jared felt weak and tired, pain medication coursing through his body, but he wanted to hear whatever Jensen had to tell him. He was so disoriented, everything that he'd been through with Sam and Dean still clear in his head, and he needed to ground himself in reality again.
Jensen sat down in the chair he'd been in when Jared had woken him up and leaned forward, rubbing a hand up and down Jared's arm. Jared looked up at him, and, despite his own fear and confusion, offered him a small smile. Jensen's smile was brief, and Jared desperately wanted to erase the worry and sadness in Jensen's eyes. It reminded him too much of Dean. He remembered wondering if Jensen was feeling any of what Dean had been feeling, and realized now that he must have been. He shifted, shrugging Jensen's hand away, only to reach up and grasp it in his own and squeeze. Jensen raised an eyebrow and smirked, but squeezed back.
"You scared the shit out of me, Jared," Jensen finally said, resting their clasped hands on the bed and idly reaching up and brushing hair out of Jared's eyes. He took a deep breath and looked away, his free hand passing over his face. "Christ, I almost thought I'd killed you."
"What?" Jared asked, his voice a little louder than he meant for it to be. He hadn’t expected Jensen to say that. Jensen flinched and pulled his hand free of Jared's.
"It was an accident, Jay," Jensen clarified quickly. "Just a stupid fucking accident. We had the fight scene..."
Jensen paused and looked to Jared, and Jared's eyes narrowed as he concentrated. Some things were coming back to him, but not everything. He wracked his brain, searching for the memory, a vague one creeping out from the shadows of Sam and Dean fighting because of some siren. Jared nodded, and Jensen continued.
“I was supposed to rush you, break the door down behind you. But something went wrong, and the door didn’t…It didn’t break away like it was supposed to. It did, but we ended up on an angle, and I…I forced you into the wall.”
Jensen paused, head lowered, and Jared reached for his hand again, bringing it back up on the bed. Jensen didn’t look up at him, just ran his other hand through his hair and swallowed thickly.
“Shit, Jay, I’m sorry,” he said quietly, green eyes dulled by guilt and remorse.
“You didn’t mean to,” Jared said, squeezing Jensen’s hand again. “Wasn’t your fault, Jensen.”
“No, I didn’t mean to,” Jensen agreed. “But you don’t know what that was like. I couldn’t stop, the momentum just…I fuckin’ slammed you into the wall, and then you just…fell. It was like there was this sound, you know? And then it was just quiet. I felt you hit, heard you hit, and then you were just…”
“Come on, man,” Jared said, pushing down his own emotions at the sight of Jensen’s and forcing a smile. “It would take a hell of a lot more than you to kill me.”
He laughed, but Jensen didn’t. Jensen just looked back at him, all pain, fear, and guilt, and Jared’s laughter died on his lips. He could see Jensen swallowing, fighting back tears that were threatening to spill.
“I’m so sorry, Jared,” Jensen whispered. “I’m so sorry. I put you in the fuckin’ hospital.”
Jared frowned, wanting to speak up and tell Jensen to stop, tell him again that it wasn’t his fault, and that if the props and the set hadn’t failed, Jensen wouldn’t have hurt him at all. But he could see that it was useless, and, when he thought about it, he knew how terrible he would feel if he were in Jensen’s shoes. He thought back to the summer, when Jensen was filming with Kerr, and managed to accidentally split Kerr’s eye open. Jensen still felt bad about that whenever he thought about it. And this was a lot worse.
“I saw you fall,” Jensen continued quietly. “You just slid down to the floor, in my arms, and I thought you were…I knew I’d felt something just…sort of…pop when you hit the wall.” Jared grimaced, feeling a slight pain in his shoulder at Jensen’s description. “Then you were unconscious, and all I could think about was, ‘What if he doesn’t wake up? What if I really hurt him? What am I gonna tell his family?’
“I’m alright now,” Jared assured him, even if he was weak, his brain still feeling fuzzy around the edges. “And they wouldn’t have blamed you. Nobody would. I don’t blame you.” Jensen didn’t answer, just kept his eyes on the floor. Jared fidgeted slightly in the bed. “Hey…what about the fever?”
“What?” Jensen looked up at him, confused. “Oh. Oh, yeah, you were already feeling a bit under the weather, and we were just trying to get the scene done.” He finally laughed, but it was bitter. “Man, I really know how to kick ‘em when they’re down, huh?”
“Stop it,” Jared groaned, unable to continue keeping his annoyance at bay any longer, and rolling his eyes. “Look, I know how terrible you must feel, but it wasn’t you, okay? You keep this up, I really will be pissed at you, just for not forgiving yourself.”
“Wouldn’t want that.” Jensen’s smile was genuine this time. He pulled his hand away from Jared’s and pressed a little fist bump into Jared’s arm. “I’m glad you’re okay, asshole.”
“Yeah, me too, you fuckin’ pussy,” Jared spat playfully. Jensen chuckled and settled back into his chair. Jared eyed the blanket draped over the back of it. “So…you stayed?”
“Yeah,” Jensen said, following Jared’s gaze to the blanket behind him and then shrugging, keeping his eyes averted. “Yeah, you know, just wanted to be here…” He trailed off, shrugging again, trying to play it off like it was no big deal, and Jared grinned.
“Big fuckin’ softy,” Jared teased, and Jensen stiffened and rolled his eyes.
“Shut up!”
“No, I appreciate it, man,” Jared said seriously, his grin subsiding. “I mean it. You’re the only family I have here. It’s nice to know…It’s nice,” he finished lamely.
“Don’t mention it.”
****
He wasn’t sure why he’d wanted to see it. But he’d snagged a copy of the dailies anyway, and sat back in his trailer and watched it. It was so strange, watching himself go through something he couldn’t remember, though the visual did bring back vague details. He watched Jensen rush him, watched the door break away on one side, tilting, any sense of direction or balance that either of them had thrown out the window as they both gasped in surprise and went careening sideways through the opening and into the wall, Jared’s body jarred between it and Jensen. He saw himself hit and collapse like a ton of bricks. He saw Jensen grimace and fall with him before panic and horror showed on Jensen’s face, Jensen’s arms circling around his lifeless body.
“No, no, no…Oh, God, no, Jared!”
He could hear Jensen’s voice rising above the voices of the crew; see people pushing Jensen away to get to him, Jensen shaking, his eyes wide and chest heaving.
“Is he…What happened? What did I do? Oh, God, I’m sorry, I’m so sorry, I didn’t mean to…”
It was disturbing watching it, seeing himself lying there unconscious and Jensen panicking, begging someone to tell him Jared would be okay. The main focus was on Jared, of course, but Jensen wasn’t alone. He had people there trying to comfort him, trying to tell him that everything would be okay, and that it wasn’t his fault. But Jensen’s terror was still palpable through the screen, and it twisted Jared up inside to see it.
He paused the video, fidgeting in his seat. He was shaken after watching it, but there was something else about it, something he couldn’t quite put his finger on. He rewound it, back to before the accident happened, and watched closely. And there it was.
There was something off between him and Jensen. Granted, they were filming a tense scene between Sam and Dean, and they had to keep the mood going. But this wasn’t like them, even in that situation. He could see himself avoiding Jensen, keeping out of reach and refusing eye contact until the scene began, his body tense. He could see Jensen’s shoulders slumping, dejected body language, a combination of sadness and anger in his eyes whenever he looked at Jared.
Jared jumped at the knock on his door, Jensen opening it and walking in a few seconds later.
“Hey, man, we…” Jensen trailed off, his eyes catching on the screen, some of the color leaving his face as the video continued to play through the accident. He tensed, a guarded look in his eyes as he stalked over and grabbed the remote out of Jared’s hands to turn the video off. “Why were you watching that?” he hissed, tossing the remote back down next to Jared on the couch, still facing the TV.
“I don’t know,” Jared said, eyeing the back of his friend’s head. “It felt weird not remembering it, I guess.”
“Don’t see why you’d want to remember it,” Jensen grumbled, turning around without looking Jared in the eye, arms crossed over his chest. Jared waited a bit before speaking again, the nervous question fluttering around in his brain.
“Jensen?” Jensen grunted roughly in response. “Before this happened, what…Did we have a fight?”
“No,” Jensen answered, a little too quickly, his eyes momentarily betraying the truth as his body tensed even more where he stood. Jared stood up in front of Jensen, and Jensen still avoided his gaze.
“You’re lying,” Jared said quietly, surprise in his voice. “You’re lying to me. Jensen…” He stepped back, trying to collect his thoughts. The novelty of the situation was wearing off, and anger was rising inside of him. He pushed it down for the moment, trying and failing to make eye contact with Jensen. “Tell me what happened.”
“Nothing happened Jare-”
“You’re lying to me!” Jared shouted, the outburst surprising even him, and Jensen flinched. “For fuck’s sake, Jensen!” He took a deep breath, and ran his hands through his hair, calming himself. He looked at Jensen, who stood stubbornly expressionless, remembered the look on Jensen’s face in the video, and suddenly felt regret for something he wasn’t sure he did. “Did I do something?” Jensen stood frozen, not answering. “Look, man, if I fucked something up, just please, tell me.”
“You didn’t fuck up,” Jensen said quietly, his eyes flicking to Jared’s. “I did. Okay? I fucked up.”
“What?” Jared’s relief was short-lived, replaced with simmering anger again. “What, so you fuck things up between us, and since I can’t remember it, you just keep it to yourself? What kind of shit is that? Jesus Christ, Jensen! These are my fucking memories we’re talking about! You have no right to keep this from me!”
“Please,” Jensen spoke up, his arms unfolding to hold his hands out in front of him in a pleading gesture, emotion finally showing on his face. “Please, Jared, it was just one stupid thing I shouldn’t have told you, alright? I just don’t want to go there again. I don’t want us to fight anymore.”
“Well, too fucking bad, asshole!” Jared batted Jensen’s hands away. “Forget whatever you didn’t tell me. You think I’m gonna forgive you for this? You act like you’re all upset, like you fucking care that I’m hurt and shit, and then you fucking take advantage of what I can’t remember?? What else aren’t you telling me? Are you sure what happened was just a fucking accident?”
Jared regretted those last words almost as soon as they left his mouth. He was pissed, and he had every right to be. He knew that. But, deep down, he knew he couldn’t accuse Jensen of harming him intentionally. Jensen’s fear over what had happened was something nobody could fake. Neither was the hurt in Jensen’s eyes at that moment.
“Jared…I would never hurt you.”
Jared turned away at that, resting his head in his hands for a moment. Jensen’s voice hadn’t wavered, but he’d still sounded so wrecked. Jared could hear the misery in Jensen’s tone, the thought that he’d gone too far with Jared, that their friendship was ending, and that his heart was breaking over it. It made the same emotions take hold in Jared, and Jared hated it, wanted to make it all better, but didn’t know how. He was so confused. He’d woken up so relieved to see Jensen that he’d been in tears, and now he felt so betrayed.
“I’m sorry,” Jensen said to his back. Jared didn’t turn around. “I was afraid that I’d ruined our friendship, and I didn’t want to do it again. It was wrong, and I was a coward, and I shouldn’t have used what happened against you like that.”
“What did you tell me?” Jared slowly turned to look at him, swearing he could almost see the tension between them. “What could’ve been so bad, huh? Did we argue? Did you hurt my feelings a little with some stupid little insult, and think that we couldn’t get over that?” He watched Jensen hesitate, hands shaking, then realize he had nothing to lose.
“I told you that…” Jensen looked down at his trembling fingers. “I told you that I loved you.”
The words were unexpected, taking a moment to sink in before Jared felt the air whoosh out of him. That was the last thing he’d expected Jensen to say. Jensen’s apologetic gaze met his, and he squeezed his eyes shut, vague memories coming back to him that were more like the ghosts of feelings: disbelief, denial, anger.
“What did I say?” he asked, keeping his eyes closed. He already felt like an asshole, already knew that his reaction had been negative, and that Jensen must have felt like shit after coming clean about something that was obviously so hard for him to admit.
“You didn’t say much of anything,” Jensen answered, shrugging and doing his best to appear calm. “You just…sort of…pushed me away and then told me that I should start looking for a new place.”
“Oh, fuck.” Jared dropped his head in his hands. He was shocked and confused by Jensen’s confession, as he must’ve been the first time, but that didn’t justify him tossing his best friend to the curb for admitting his feelings.
“It’s okay.” Jensen’s quiet voice drifted towards him. “I never should have said anything, Jared. I wasn’t even sure if you were…” Jensen hesitated, and Jared let his hands drop back to their sides, “I wasn’t sure if you’d feel the same way, or if it would even amount to anything. I should’ve just kept my mouth shut instead of fucking with our friendship.”
“No. No, Jensen. It’s not okay.” Jared shook his head, dismayed by the fact that Jensen would actually accept the way Jared had treated him. “It’s not okay. I never should have done that to you.”
“It doesn’t matter, okay?” Jensen replied, shrugging. Jared gaped at him.
“Of course it matters, Jensen! I’m your friend, and these are your feelings! You can’t just hide them away and pretend they don’t exist.”
“I can,” Jensen said, boldly looking Jared in the eye. “I can if it means that this will happen. I can if it means I’ll lose my best friend.” Jensen heaved a heavy sigh, suddenly looking exhausted. “Please, I know I dropped this bomb, but we can we please just forget about it? Can we just forget that it even happened? I just want us to go back to what we were before. If I lose that, then…”
“You’d really want that?” Jared asked, staring at Jensen in disbelief. “You’d really want to still go back to being best friends, even after I treated you the way I did? You should be pissed at me, Jensen.” Jensen shook his head, stepping closer, troubled green eyes staring up at him.
“I thought you were dead, Jared. It was only a split second, but I thought you were dead. I know you said that all of this matters, but it really doesn’t. Mistakes, arguments, they don’t matter. Life is too short.”
“And you think that telling me how you felt was a mistake?” Jared asked, hating himself for making Jensen feel that way. Jensen didn’t answer, his eyes lowering, and Jared took a deep breath. “Okay. I want you to listen to me, alright?’ Jensen looked up again and nodded. “I’m going to say what I should have said when you first told me. I just need some time and some space to think about this, okay? Just…let me sort things out in my head. But don’t ever think that you can’t tell me anything, even if it’s something like this.”
Jensen nodded again, looking completely and utterly defeated; as if that was the last thing he wanted to come out of this. He’d wanted it to be forgotten, and felt that any time spent thinking about it or discussing it would make Jared reject him again. And Jared really couldn’t blame him for that.
****
“Beat that, asshole!”
“Oh, I will!” Jensen said, smiling at him fondly.
They’d already been playing for hours, opting for a lazy day, both of them crashed on the couch in pajama pants, Wii remotes in their hands and beers on the table in front of them. They were content, happy. Jensen was happy. He glanced over at Jared again in the middle of the game, still smiling. His tone was a bit more serious when he spoke, but not enough to interrupt the game. They did that often, having serious conversations during game play, because that made it easier. They were guys, after all.
“Hey, Jay?” Jared grunted, eyes fixed on the screen. “There’s something I have to tell you.”
“Me too,” Jared answered, smirking. Jensen looked at him curiously.
“Yeah?”
“Yeah.” Jared reached over and grabbed Jensen’s wrist, shaking it wildly, Jensen crying out in protest, and Jared laughing maniacally. “Your car just crashed!”
Jensen lunged for him, managing to get Jared’s Wii remote out of his hands and tossing it out of Jared’s reach, effectively sabotaging Jared’s own car. A wrestling match ensued, the game long forgotten as the two of them grappled, landing on the floor, laughing and fighting for the upper hand. Jared suddenly found himself pinned, nothing he couldn’t get out of. But they were both panting and flushed, and that was when he felt Jensen’s erection pressing into his thigh. His eyebrows drew together in confusion, breath caught in his throat, and he was prepared to either ignore it or laugh it off until he saw Jensen’s face. Jensen hovered above him, eyes darkened but flitting back and forth nervously, licking his lips. Jared could feel him shaking.
“Jared, I love you.”
Jared froze at the quiet confession, his eyes wide, hard warmth insistent on his thigh. A storm boiled up inside of him, and he snapped out of his trance, catching Jensen off guard and pushing him away with force, Jensen landing with a groan on the floor. Jared hurriedly scrambled to his feet, breathing heavily. He stared down at Jensen, angry words running through his head, Jensen looking up at him, confused, vulnerable, hurt, and pissed all at once. Jared left him there, on the floor, not a word passing between them, and fled up the stairs to his room.
****
It wasn’t fair. None of it was. He’d spent so long fighting for a relationship that had failed. He’d spent so much time denying what the fans squealed about on the internet, so much time convincing everyone that he was in love, and that it was real. When it came down to it, no one had believed him, not even her. It still hurt, burning fresh inside of him, no matter how long it had been. It had been a longer relationship. He was still dealing, still coming down from that, and he wanted nothing more than to have his best friend around, a constant distraction from unhappy thoughts. Until Jensen dumped this on him. It wasn’t fair.
Jensen was the mature one. That much was obvious, even to Jared. There was silence between them until the next morning. Where Jared’s silence was shifty and brooding, Jensen’s was open and patient. Jensen was the adult here. And Jared resented him even more for it.
Jensen didn’t speak up until Jared came into the kitchen after his run, downing a glass of water, Jensen standing and leaning against the counter, cup of coffee in his hands, glasses perched on his nose.
“Are we gonna talk about this?” Jensen asked, voice smooth and calm. “Because I don’t think we should go to work like this.”
Jared tensed, chest still heaving slightly from his workout, slick with sweat. He lowered the glass slowly, glaring at Jensen. Damn him for doing this, for ruining what Jared had thought was so peaceful and easy. It was simple. Jensen changed that. And damn him for being so level-headed about it, as if it was no big deal, and they could just talk about it like it was any other regular old conversation. It wasn’t. It would never be. It was a huge change, a big step that Jared had fought against for so long. He was too stubborn to flake on that now. He set his glass down in the sink and walked away, back to Jensen, stopping in the entryway.
“I think you should find a new place to live,” he said, his voice so cold he barely even recognized it himself.
He didn’t turn to see the look on Jensen’s face, and Jensen didn’t stop him when he continued to walk away.
****
It had come back to him. Somehow or another, it had all came back to him, like a twisted flashback of a version of himself that he couldn’t identify. It all made sense to him, now. What he’d seen when he was knocked out was just his subconscious trying to reach out to him, show him what he was throwing away. He’d dismissed Jensen so easily in his waking life for childish reasons that were much less than fair. They weren’t Jensen’s fault, and it wasn’t right to project his own jumbled emotions onto Jensen, when Jensen had never been anything but kind and supportive.
After what he’d been through, he knew the truth behind the saying, “You don’t know what you’ve got till it’s gone.” He’d lived without Jensen, without that strength and friendship backing him up, without that light in his life. The only thing he’d had to replace it with was Dean, a shell of the person he used to be, and the embodiment of the guilt, rejection, fear, and sadness that Jared had left Jensen with in real life. And seeing that had been something akin to torture. Dean had been wary and afraid of both Jared and Sam. And Sam? Sam was dark and angry, as Jared had been before he’d been knocked unconscious. Moreover, Sam was angry at him, for the way he’d made Dean feel. It was like the two sides of Jared warring against each other, until they’d finally made peace, and Sam had helped Jared find his way back home, with Dean’s approval.
Dean’s approval. Jensen had been so worried, had stayed with him at the hospital, his only hope that Jared would be okay. He’d stayed, even though Jared had forcefully rejected him and refused him the comforts of his home, which he’d been so happy and willing to give when he’d asked Jensen to move in with him.
Jared walked into his dining room to find Jensen sitting at the table, glasses on and a mug of coffee in front of him, one hand holding a newspaper and the other scratching Sadie behind the ears. Sadie whined when Jared walked into the room, as if even she disapproved of the way Jared had treated Jensen, and Jared felt his self-esteem plummet even lower. Jensen looked up at him, the paper in his hand lowered to the table. Jared could see him tense; see the apprehension in his eyes.
“So…” Jared started, smiling weakly and trying to lighten the mood. “I guess you’re gay, then, huh?” Jensen smirked a little, his eyes still trained on him warily.
“I guess so.”
Jared sighed, hanging his head, the smile leaving his face, and he walked over to where Jensen sat, Sadie grumbling and moving out of his way. He paused when his eyes caught on the paper on the table in front of Jensen. His heart sank. Jensen was looking at apartments.
“Come here,” Jared said, his voice barely above a whisper.
“What?”
“Get up.” Jensen hesitated but stood, and Jared wrapped his arms around him, gathering him up in a tight hug. It took a moment, but Jensen eventually responded, returning the hug. “I’m sorry.”
“That I’m gay?” Jensen joked, dry humor in his voice.
“What?” Jared laughed, pulling back and looking at Jensen, happy to see the playful spark in Jensen’s eye. “No! Fuck no, of course not. I’m sorry for the way I treated you.”
“Jared…”
“No,” Jared said, cutting him off. “No, I remember it, now. I remember it all.” Jensen flushed and looked away. “Jensen, it wasn’t your fault. You didn’t do anything wrong. I had my own issues going on, and I took them out on you. I blamed you for things that were out of your control. I was angry for all the wrong reasons.”
“I lied to you,” Jensen replied, shaking his head. “I took advantage of you. Maybe I was innocent then, but I’m not innocent now.”
“Okay,” Jared agreed, hands held up in front of him, making Jensen pause. “Okay. So we both screwed up. We both made mistakes. We can call it even. This was all just a big mistake. Just…” His eyes flicked down to the paper still lying flat on the table, and then looked back at Jensen with pleading eyes. “Just don’t leave. Please. Don’t leave.”
“You…You’d be okay with…” Jensen gestured vaguely at himself. “It won’t make you feel weird?”
“No,” Jared said honestly. He gulped then, unsure of the feelings stirring in his chest. “I mean, I…I don’t know if I…I don’t know. But I want you here. I want you to be this much of a part of my life. And I want you to be able to tell me anything, even if it has to do with me.” Jensen started to smile, and Jared felt a little lighter. “I do love you, Jensen. I’m not sure if it’s the same way that you love me. But you’re my best friend. You’re family. And I need that. I need you.” Jensen smiled, a full grin this time, and hugged Jared again.
“So, what changed your mind?”
Jared pulled away, smiling shyly and rubbing the back of his neck.
“I think I got some sense knocked into me.”
****
Jared had to be careful. He had to make sure his feelings were his true feelings, and not pity, settling, rebounding, or anything equally as bad. Jensen’s situation did make him feel bad. His best friend was in love with him, and he wasn’t sure yet how to deal with that. And it both hurt and helped him to know that Jensen was so willing to suffer through it and just be his friend. Jensen was willing to deny his feelings, just to keep Jared in his life. It hurt to think of what Jensen must have been feeling inside, but, at the same time, having someone love him that much was just…indescribable. It was this amazing unconditional love that he hadn’t thought possible. It made him look at Jensen in a different way, respect him more.
But he couldn’t fall in love with that. He couldn’t just fall in love with an idea. He’d done that before. It had to be deeper than that. Looking back now, he realized that all that time he’d spent trying to convince everyone that his relationship was real, he’d most likely been trying to convince himself, too. It wasn’t that he hadn’t loved her. He had. But maybe not as much as he should have. But Jared was like that. He was loyal to a fault, and more insecure than most people thought. Once he was attached, he wouldn’t let go. He’d been so surprised, felt so lucky, to have ended up with her to begin with. He knew he could be a big kid sometimes, didn’t think anybody else would enjoy that the way she did, and so he didn’t want to lose her. He’d been in love with an idea. And now he had to move on, take things for what they really were.
He couldn’t deny that he could see why just about everyone thought he and Jensen were an item. The friendship he and Jensen had was…different, especially for two guys. It was special. And when he thought about it now, it was the relationship he’d always focused on most, the one he really couldn’t stand to live without. He’d call his girlfriend because it was the right thing to do, because he was supposed to, because he was a good boyfriend and wanted to keep that title. He’d treated it like a job, like it was work. But the person he’d really wanted to call, to talk to about every little thing going on his life, was Jensen. But didn’t that happen with close friends? Didn’t friends want to only spend time with each other and no one else? Didn’t friends want to live together, so that they’d have that constant feeling of security? Didn’t friends long for each other when they were away, so much so that it brought them to tears when they were reunited? Didn’t friends beg each other not to leave, so that they wouldn’t have to wake up in the morning without the other one there?
At that thought, Jared almost laughed at himself. He was being ridiculous. Of course friends didn’t do those things. Sure, friendships could run deep, but he and Jensen were another story. He’d denied it for so long, trying to keep his struggling idea alive, loyal to a fault. But Jensen was different. Jensen was special.
****
They sat on the couch playing video games, drinks and snacks on the table, a slight tension in the air, as they both remembered what had started the whole mess between them. They’d agreed to leave it behind, knew that they could deal with it, but it was still there. Jared noticed Jensen sitting farther away from him than usual, the space between them larger than he’d ever seen. He looked over at Jensen, at the dogs on the floor, and saw now that this was what he’d really always wanted. It wasn’t just an idea. It was real.
He did his best to stealthily scoot closer to Jensen, the other man’s eyes fixed on the screen, as they had been the whole time, as if he was afraid of initiating another argument just by looking at Jared. He knew the moment Jensen noticed him, felt him pressed up against his side, because Jensen’s breathing changed. It was a sharp intake of breath, and then a forced calm, breaths too measured out and timed too perfectly. Jared reached over and grabbed Jensen’s wrist, stilling the Wii remote in his hand.
“Trying to sabotage me again?” Jensen laughed nervously, still keeping his eyes averted.
“No.” Jared shook his head, gently pulling the remote from Jensen’s hand, Jensen’s fingers opening up easily for him. He tossed it on the floor, along with his own, and Jensen finally turned to him, eyes widening at how close Jared actually was.
“What are you…”
Jared leaned in, closing the distance between them, closing his eyes and pressing his lips against Jensen’s slightly parted ones, hot erratic little puffs of breath fanning out over them. He shivered, lifting a shaky hand to cup Jensen’s jaw, the other one sliding down to his hip, holding him there.
“Don’t,” Jensen choked out, and Jared knew what Jensen was feeling just from the sound of his voice. But Jensen was wrong. This wasn’t just pity, and Jared wasn’t just fucking with him, with his emotions. This was real.
“It’s okay,” Jared breathed, moving closer, lips brushing Jensen’s again. “It’s okay.”
Jensen shuddered, resisting and confused, before finally cupping Jared’s face with both hands and pulling him in, opening him up for a kiss. Jared’s breath hitched in surprise, not just at Jensen’s insistence, firm lips clashing with his, tongue parting them eagerly. He was surprised at the effect it had on him, the chill that ran down his spine chased by a smoldering heat. He wanted this, probably for much longer than he’d realized.
Jensen was aggressive and firm, groaning as he brushed his tongue against Jared’s, pulling Jared’s tongue in and sucking on it. He tasted strange, yet familiar, like beer and nachos and the gum he constantly chewed, Jared recognizing it on his tongue. He couldn’t get enough of it, chasing the flavor of Jensen’s mouth, relishing it, and not even realizing that he needed oxygen until Jensen pulled away, air hurriedly filling his lungs.
“Fuck Jared,” Jensen breathed, chest heaving, eyes darkened with arousal. “I swear to God, if you’re fuckin’ with me…”
“No.” Jared shook his head, reaching for Jensen’s hand and guiding it to his crotch, feeling the ache there. “I want this. I want you.” Jensen squeezed and rubbed, Jared bucking and hissing, but Jensen still eyed him with a combination of lust and uncertainty.
“Are you sure? Because I know we’ve been through a lot lately, and you might be confu-”
“I’m not confused,” Jared said, cutting him off and grunting when Jensen removed his hand. He closed his eyes and collected himself before staring back at Jensen. “I’ve thought about this. I’ve thought about this a lot.” Jensen sighed, sitting back against the couch, palming himself a little to take the edge off, and Jared could see that he was reluctantly deciding to talk about this.
“I guess I just don’t get it,” Jensen admitted, looking curiously at Jared. “I don’t get how this accident just made you do a complete 180 on this.”
Jared wasn’t sure how to answer that. Telling Jensen exactly what he’d gone through would just make him sound insane. And he’d have to tell him the whole story if he was going to convince Jensen that it’d felt like he’d been fighting for his life. In reality, things weren’t that serious. He’d had a pretty bad concussion, but nothing that he wouldn’t recover from. There were times when he wondered about his own sanity, because he’d swear that it’d all felt real, and that the whole thing wasn’t just some concussion-induced dream, his subconscious giving him a swift kick in the ass.
“I don’t think I can make you understand,” Jared said slowly, and Jensen raised an eyebrow. “Not unless you believe in alternate realities.” Jensen rolled his eyes and Jared smiled.
“What the hell are you talking about, Jared?”
“Something happened while I was unconscious.” Jared cleared his throat and fidgeted, wondering how far he could go with this. “I…I saw things.”
“You mean like a dream?” Jensen asked, giving him a concerned look. “Because, you know, you were unconscious. Those things happen.”
“Maybe,” Jared hedged. “I mean, yeah, it was something like that. Look, all I know is, it felt like I was never going to wake up.” At that, Jensen paled, eyes looking as pained as the day the accident had happened. “I know it wasn’t really that bad, but that was what it felt like to me. I had to fight for it. And when I did…I fought for you. I mean, I thought about other things, and my family, and home, but you were the first thing on my mind. I wanted to wake up for you.”
There was a long pause, the only sounds the two of them breathing, and the long forgotten video game playing on the screen.
“So, I guess you’re gay, then, huh?” Jensen asked, all serious, until he couldn’t contain the grin he was holding back. Jared laughed his first real laugh since he’d woken up.
“Yeah, I guess so.”