please don't worry lover, it's really bursting at the seams
tomorrow i have my first interview w/ sam from the california culinary academy (aka le cordon bleu). he called me on my second to last day in las vegas and did a little mini-interview, and the entire time i felt like i was going to throw up. he was so nice, said he was really excited about talking to me again, and then went on to say they can only accept a handful of people from the thousands that apply and so if i miss that phone call i've basically missed the bus for good...you get the point. no pressure or anything.
i feel like screaming. this is, hands-down, the most important thing i will have done so far in my life and i am DETERMINED to make it happen. i will. i've finally found something i'm really good at, something i have a natural talent for that i am also passionate about. i've had a completely fucked up relationship with food my whole life and i'm being given an opportunity to turn that into something productive, creative, fulfilling, satisfying. i've spent the last four years fucking off and having fun; i was also able to gain some confidence in my abilities, appearance, value, you name it. i can't pinpoint when, exactly, i stopped believing in my own intelligence or ability to succeed but do remember perfectly what it felt like to be young and just know i was gonna do great things. i remember how determined and driven i used to feel to succeed, get the best grades, read the biggest books, learn the biggest words. i still have that in me; i never stopped being good at things or driven to succeed. things lately have been harder for me emotionally, financially and physically than they ever have been but i'm still here...i'm still getting things done and i'm the same old alison, no weaker, no more broken than anyone else.
i can do this. i can.
i'm not going to worry about how much it's going to cost to attend the academy (because it is going to cost a small fortune), i'm just going to start applying for student loans and grants anywhere i can. i will ask whoever i need to ask for money, i will work whatever jobs i have to work to pay for it all. this isn't something i expect to come easily. i want to be able to look any stranger in the eye and say i worked my ass off every step of the way, i wanted it more than anyone else and was willing to do what it took to get there. i need to prove to myself that i can do anything at all, that my grandfather wasn't lying to me when he said i was born with everything i'd ever need. i want more than anything to start feeling like he would be proud of me, of what i've become and what i've done.
i feel like screaming. this is, hands-down, the most important thing i will have done so far in my life and i am DETERMINED to make it happen. i will. i've finally found something i'm really good at, something i have a natural talent for that i am also passionate about. i've had a completely fucked up relationship with food my whole life and i'm being given an opportunity to turn that into something productive, creative, fulfilling, satisfying. i've spent the last four years fucking off and having fun; i was also able to gain some confidence in my abilities, appearance, value, you name it. i can't pinpoint when, exactly, i stopped believing in my own intelligence or ability to succeed but do remember perfectly what it felt like to be young and just know i was gonna do great things. i remember how determined and driven i used to feel to succeed, get the best grades, read the biggest books, learn the biggest words. i still have that in me; i never stopped being good at things or driven to succeed. things lately have been harder for me emotionally, financially and physically than they ever have been but i'm still here...i'm still getting things done and i'm the same old alison, no weaker, no more broken than anyone else.
i can do this. i can.
i'm not going to worry about how much it's going to cost to attend the academy (because it is going to cost a small fortune), i'm just going to start applying for student loans and grants anywhere i can. i will ask whoever i need to ask for money, i will work whatever jobs i have to work to pay for it all. this isn't something i expect to come easily. i want to be able to look any stranger in the eye and say i worked my ass off every step of the way, i wanted it more than anyone else and was willing to do what it took to get there. i need to prove to myself that i can do anything at all, that my grandfather wasn't lying to me when he said i was born with everything i'd ever need. i want more than anything to start feeling like he would be proud of me, of what i've become and what i've done.