(no subject)
Title: Broken (8/9)
Spoilers: Post Age of Steel
Pairing: Ten/Rose
Rating: R/Mature
Summary: Talking finally commences
Disclaimer: Not mine, unfortunately. I just like to play in the BBC’s sandbox. It’s a lovely sandbox.
A/N: So, I had been thinking this chapter would be the last, but it was getting rather monstrously long so I decided to tempt the fandom gods and split it up into two chapters. No throwing things because of the cliffie at the end. Unless it’s chocolate, then by my guest!
Chapter 1: Revealing Goodbyes
Chapter 2: Disapprovals
Chapter 3: What Dreams May Come
Chapter 4: Back in the Saddle Again
Chapter 5: Epiphanies
Chapter 6: She Sings
Chapter 7: Awakenings
Déjà Vu
He smiled as he kissed her. Rose had quite a thing for his hair, always jamming her fingers into the mass and teasing it until it practically stood on end. Not that he was complaining, especially since she was soft and warm beneath him, moving her hips against his in a way that made him groan aloud. And her mouth. She tasted like warm tea with honey. Or maybe that was a bit too much like one of those awful novels with a brooding man wandering the moors with hounds at his heels, cape billowing out behind him.
Still, he couldn’t get enough of the taste of her and she seemed just as hungry for the taste of him. The little moaning sound she made deep in her throat drove him a bit insane and suddenly kissing and rubbing against her wasn’t nearly enough. Eyes closed and hands questing, he felt the bare skin of her waist and followed it down over the curve of her hip to her thigh and…
With the name of every known deity in all of civilization on his lips, he realized that Rose wasn’t wearing any knickers. Which was quickly followed by he understanding that the blankets between them had gone away at some point and he was firmly ensconced between her thighs, only the fabric of his trousers between himself and nirvana.
That’s what really woke him. He never woke up with dreams of naked-Rose-nirvana. He had enough of them when he was awake. So many in fact that he just let them run on a loop in the back of his brain. That way he could focus on other things. He’d found if he tried to ignore them completely, they took on a life of their own. This regeneration evidently was more in touch with it’s… sensuality. Yes, that was a good for it. Would explain his penchant for licking everything, too.
Alright, so thinking of licking wasn’t a deterrent in his present situation. Especially not when Rose was hooking a knee over his hip and he could feel the heat radiating from her through his trousers and all he wanted to do was taste every inch of her body before losing himself in her…
“Rose, wait,” he gasped, wrenching his mouth from hers and looking down at her while he panted like a galactic marathon runner. Her eyes slowly opened, soft and hazy with sleep and arousal. She smiled at him and it was all he could do not to chuck it all and let them finish what they’d so spectacularly started.
“I can’t-,” he started.
Rose smirked at him in a lazy, half-asleep way before she stretched and arched against him. “From what I’m feelin’, you can,” she retorted.
He groaned and closed his eyes for a moment, looking for some rationale as to why he shouldn’t just agree and spend the next half hour teasing her until she begged… Wow. Evidently he also had a few issues with dominance. Interesting, that. But still, he had a problem at hand that had to be dealt with. He needed to put some distance between he and Rose, but if he moved, she was going to be sprawled more or less naked and that was really not something he needed to see at the moment. Oh, and she might be hurt. Yes, that too. Didn’t want to hurt her. Done too much of that, but still…
With a strangled sound that was a sigh and a groan all mixed together, he dropped his head to her shoulder for a moment while he gathered the frayed strands of his sanity. “Can or can’t isn’t the issue,” he murmured, lifting his head and looking down at her. “You nearly died, Rose. Nothing’s going to jeopardize your recovery. Not even me,” he said firmly.
She caught her lower lip in her teeth and suddenly looked uncertain. “I… I’m sorry,” she sighed, her eyes sliding away from his. Bloody, buggering hell. That was exactly what he didn’t want.
“I didn’t mean for this to happen,” she added in a rush. “I just sort of woke up and… your hands and… well, I know I shouldn’t have kissed you and…”
He put a finger against her lips, his eyes dark and intense but his tone soft and gentle. “Stop and listen to what you’re saying, Rose. It’s not like you tied me up and molested me,” he said with a ghost of a smile. “I was obviously a willing participant. Instigator, even.”
Without thinking he leaned in and kissed the tip of her nose while she stared at him. He knew she was reeling that he hadn’t jumped up and run away, but he wasn’t ready to get into a heavy discussion of their evolving relationship. Assuming she even wanted… Now that was a rub. He wasn’t even sure if that’s what she wanted. Oh yes, the attraction wasn’t an issue. Obviously. But on an emotional level, did she still want him? Before she’d gotten sick, things were badly off-track, thanks to his own blundering about.
But what if she said no? He felt rather ill at the thought. There was only one way to tell. He had to talk to her. Something he’d never been good at. For some reason it had always seemed simpler to allow things to play out and apologize as needed after the fact. Regeneration, anyone? That wasn’t going to work this time, though. They had to talk about what was broken and if she was even willing to fix it.
He realized she was smiling tremulously and grinned at her in response. “That’s my girl. Now,” he cleared his throat as he carefully eased away, drawing the blanket up as he did and keeping his eyes firmly on Rose’s face, “what you need is some breakfast. And then maybe a shower,” he ignored the small smirk she directed at him, “of your own and we’ll see how you feel after that.”
Making it to the edge of the bed without further incident was a major accomplishment and he exhaled, the slight movement reflected in the mirror catching his attention. He grinned at himself. He didn’t look half bad all rumpled and…
Whatever else was going into the thought was forgotten as he watched Rose’s reflection shift and adjust the sheets, the swell of one breast nearly completely revealed. Obviously she hadn’t noticed the mirror and thought herself safe with his back turned. Bloody mirror. Why on earth had he put it there in the first place? Oh yes. He did rather like to look at himself in this regeneration. And then it occurred to him what other things he could look at in the mirror. Himself and Rose. Together, doing all sorts of…
“Alright!” he exclaimed, standing up suddenly and heading for the doorway. “Breakfast it is.” Right after he took the coldest shower he could imagine. On the other side of the ship. “Back in a tick.”
With an odd sense of déjà vu, he took off down the hall reciting the five thousand character Juntilaten alphabet. Backwards.
**********************************************************************
Rose watched the Doctor practically run for the door and sighed. If it wasn’t so bloody painful, it would almost be funny, watching him run like a scared rabbit when things got a little intense. Although to be fair, what had just happened had been a bit more than intense. Amazing was one word for it, but she couldn’t let herself dwell too much on that part. Not since it wasn’t likely to ever happen again.
She wondered if he realized how hot and cold he ran. It was frustrating and it hurt, but if she was honest, that was just the nature of the Doctor. He could be joking and acting like a buffoon one minute and become terrifying and dangerous the next. She’d seen him command control of a situation with that routine more times than she could count. The Oncoming Storm? Try The Great Manipulator, she thought with a soft snort.
With a frown, she wondered how often he manipulated her and she just sailed along, blissfully ignorant. It wasn’t a nice thought. Still, innocent until proven guilty, right? And there was something else. The day she’d spent taking care of Princess Alethia, before she got sick, she’d had a lot of time on her hands to think, but beyond that, while she was sick, it was as if some compartment of her brain came to some realizations about him and the two added up to some heavy understanding.
Rose frowned and absently lifted her hands to her temples and rubbed lightly. She knew things about the Doctor that she hadn’t before. No, that wasn’t right. Maybe it was that she somehow just understood those things better. Namely that it simply wasn’t possible to harness a force of nature. And that’s what the Doctor was. Force of nature, force of the universe… whatever. But trying to tie him to her, box up that essence, it was going to destroy them both. Her because she could never do it and him because he’d hurt her by denying her. When she wasn’t caught up in acting like a petulant child who wasn’t being given the toy she wanted, she knew the last thing she wanted was to hurt him. He’d had enough hurt; another thing she seemed to understand better, even if she wasn’t sure why.
So where did that leave her? Aside from nearly naked in his bed, of course. At least she assumed it was his bed. The sheets smelled like him and had even before she’d woken up to find his warm hands wandering and driving all coherent thought out of her mind. God, that had been one hell of a wake up call. Part of her still wanted to curse at him for not finishing what he started. And she might yet if he tried to play along as if nothing had happened. That little bit of nonsense was going to have to stop. When she thought about it, she realized the Doctor rarely was up for rehashing much of anything. Once people and events passed out of his viewpoint, it was almost as if they’d disappeared completely. What had happened on the Game Station. Jack. Reinette. Mickey… The list was longer, but those were the ones that really stood out, made her heart ache in a multitude of ways. If they were going to continue on, he was going to have to bend a little on that. Sometimes she needed to remember, to talk about people or to hash things out. She couldn’t help it. She was human.
In the end though, what it all came down to were Sarah Jane’s words of wisdom, even though they’d seemed rather hopeless at the time. Some things were worth getting your heart broken over. The Doctor was worth it, even if she knew her time with him was like a star that burned brilliantly, but burned itself out all the more swiftly because of its brightness. If he would allow her, she’d love him every way she knew how and if not, she would love him from afar and be his best friend; the companion he’d needed whether he knew it or not. Then when it was over, she’d grieve and seek out those that understood and over time learn to live without him. She was strong enough to do that even if she forgot sometimes. After all, he’d said it himself, hadn’t he?
She was the best.
*******************************************************************
When he returned rather guiltily with breakfast on a tray two hours later, Rose wasn’t where he left her. In fact, she wasn’t in the room at all. He set the tray down on the table and frowned. It’s not like he’d wandered off for the day. She should have been able to stay put for such a short time. He sighed. She was probably trying to make a point. Justifiably. He shouldn’t have left her so long, not after…
A noise in the doorway caught his attention and he whirled around. “You look like you lost somethin’” Rose smiled, leaning against the door frame.
He automatically smiled back. “I thought I did, but somehow it’s reappeared.” His eyes roamed over her. She’d showered and dried her hair all on her own, it appeared. Which was just as well since he wasn’t sure he had the fortitude to help her and remain clinical about it. It was bad enough that she’d put his shirt back on, firmly buttoned up this time and the tails hanging down to mid-thigh. And errant thought crossed his mind and he irritably shut down the speculation of whether or not she was wearing knickers. He was evidently de-evolving into a randy ape if the bent of his thoughts were any proof.
“Come sit down before you fall over,” he said more sharply than he’d meant to. Surprise, concern and a little hurt flickered over her face and he felt like a complete bastard. “I just don’t want you doing anything to risk your recovery. Not after I came so close to losing you,” he said fiercely. “So your choices are to behave yourself or bear the consequences.”
She smiled at that. “Aye, aye captain!” she saluted and made her way over the bed. He watched her closely enough that he didn’t miss the bit of unsteady sway in her step, a sure sign that she’d tired herself out bathing. But then she was climbing into bed and his shirt was riding up on her and yes… white knickers. White lace knickers. He never realized what a turn on white lace could be until that moment.
Rather feeling like he was losing his mind, he forced himself to turn and pick up the tray as she settled in. “Now eat,” he said, placing it on her lap and settling himself at the end of the bed, close but not too close. A smile curved his lips as he watched her study the unfamiliar food. “I promise it’s all wonderful. Selynternian’s’ve been sending baskets and baskets of treats. They feel a little guilty about nearly killing the woman who safeguarded their heir.” His eyes darkened for a moment. They hadn’t done anything though. It was his fault, as it usually was and the guilt still lay just below the surface.
He shoved it away with a brilliant grin. “Anyway, nothing like that Etharian food, which I still say was quite good if you gave it a chance.
Rose rolled her eyes at him. “Said by the man who licks walls. Should tell you somethin’.”
“I’ll have you know that even in you humans, the tongue is one of the most advanced sensory organs! The things it can do…” He stopped when he noticed that Rose was looking at him with a faintly amused look on her face, one brow cocked the way she tended to do when he’d said something with a particularly obvious potential for double-entendre.
Having nothing brilliant to say in response to that look, he just reached over and shoved a piece of fruit in her mouth. She chewed with laughter in her eyes, but as she continued to watch him, it faded to something shielded and enigmatic. He didn’t like it. He was the enigmatic one. She was supposed to be an open book.
“What happened?” she suddenly asked, pinning him with a look that was surprising in its intensity. That was it. ‘What’s happened?’. He looked at her, knowing that she meant more than how she got sick or what happened during that time. She sensed something was different. Huh. Maybe waking up to him nearly shagging her senseless had clued her in. He snorted at his own mental sarcasm.
Rose’s eyes flared wide at the noise and she looked at him almost warily. He’d dreaded this moment and in doing so, planned every word he would say. But now that the moment was upon him, he groped for someplace to begin. Well, there was the obvious. When all else failed…
“What happened? You almost died, Rose. And not in a blaze of glory, either. You were being tortured from the inside out by a mindless disease,” he ground out, his voice rough with emotion as the memory of the days and nights of her illness washed over him. “And there was nothing I could do to help you. Not a bloody thing.” He could feel her eyes on him as he looked away. But wasn’t that always the way? She gave him ablution for his sins, no matter how big or small. It was funny that he could be both humbled and feel resentment for such a thing. He was a Time Lord. He shouldn’t need ablution. But he had since the day Gallifrey burned and from the very beginning, Rose had been the one to give it to him.
Her warm fingers found his and drew him out of his mental meandering. “Well you obviously did somethin’, ‘cause I’m sitting here now,” she said evenly, a calm look in her eyes that was new somehow.
“No, I didn’t,” he denied, shaking his head before looking at her once more. “Do you remember anything at all after you started feeling ill?”
Rose frowned thoughtfully. “I… “ She couldn’t tell him about the pain. Pain like she’d never experienced before and never wanted to again. If he was already feeling guilty for what had happened, she wasn’t about to further it.
“I remember you going on and on at me, although most of the time I couldn’t make out what you were sayin’. I remember being scared when you stopped talkin’ though. Like I was lost and didn’t know where to go. And then…” she paused and he watched her focus turn internal. “There was… singing. Like…” She shook her head as if trying to dredge up a memory and for a moment he panicked, wondering if it would break free.
“I don’t know,” she continued. “But there was singing. I know I’ve heard it before, but I can’t say where. Anyway, it… it helped. I knew then that everything was going to be okay.” She paused and he felt his hearts thump in relief. Until she spoke again.
“That was right after you begged me to live.”
His head shot up. “I thought you said you couldn’t make anything out!”
Rose smiled at him sadly. “I said I couldn’t make out much. But you were so tired and worried…” She squeezed his fingers. “I’m sorry.”
“Rose, are you sure nothing else happened while you were sick that I should know about?” he asked slowly, his eyes searching her for some obvious change. Something about her was very different. It was just a glimmer so far, but there was less of the girl tossed about by her own feelings and more of a woman that accepted herself and others, shortcomings and all. If someone had asked him to explain how he came up with the idea, he couldn’t have, but he still knew it all the same.
She smiled at him and shook her head. “No. Nothing that I know of. But if you didn’t come up with some way to save me, what happened?’ Her eyes widened. “You didn’t go back, did you?”
“No,” he replied quickly, although the truth was that he had seriously considered it. “You know how it works once we’re part of a timeline.” He sighed and ran his hand through his hair. There was no help for it. He was going to have to tell her. “I think the TARDIS had a hand in things, so to speak.”
Rose blinked, her lips parted as she stared at him. “The TARDIS? But how? Why?”
“Not a clue,” he lied blithely. There was no way he was going to tell her she still had a bond with his ship, especially since she still had no clue that she’d ever bonded with the TARDIS to begin with. “I’ve told you before that there’s a lot about her that even I don’t know. Maybe she just did it for me. Wouldn’t be the first time she’d pulled my arse out of the fire,” he said, not paying attention to the words at first and then wincing as they reminded him of when the TARDIS had literally saved him from burning with all of Gallifrey.
“If that’s what happened, I’m glad she did,” Rose replied softly. “Not just for me, but because I wouldn’t ever want to leave you that way.”
“Rose…” he started then stopped not even sure what he was going to say, but she’d opened the door, however inadvertently. “I didn’t want to do this while you were still recovering, but I’m not sure there’s any way around it.” He braced himself for whatever was to come. “We need to talk.”
The flicker of worry in Rose’s eyes didn’t surprise him at all. Even with her apparent newfound peace, she was still his Rose. And had the tables been turned he would have felt a jolt of concern as well. He watched her swallow and struggle not to jump to conclusions.
“If you want me to leave, say it plainly,” she said without meeting his eyes, her chin lifting a notch the way it always did when she was bracing herself for hurt. It tugged at his heart.
“Do you want to leave?” he asked softly, needing to hear the answer from her own lips, not by his assumptions.
A tiny smile ghosted across her lips as she watched him. “Haven’t we had this discussion before, Doctor?”
Smart girl, his Rose. “We have,” he admitted, remembering standing outside the TARDIS the night the ashes the Sycorax ship sifted down on London, desperately afraid she wouldn’t want him after his regeneration. “But it’s different now. Things are different. We’re different.”
She studied him for a moment and nodded. “I know.” She paused then added, “Is this about what happened this morning or is there something else I’m missing?”
“Both,” he replied with a sigh and debated how much to tell her about… anything. “I suppose it started when we left Mickey back in the parallel universe. You were very upset,” he went on evenly. “I was half-convinced you were going to ask me to take you home for good.”
“I almost did,” she said softly, the admission freezing him to the core before she continued. “I couldn’t do it though. Didn’t really want to. But Doctor, if we’re gonna continue on, the two of us travelin’, being best friends, somethin’s gotta change.”
He blinked at her, curious as to where she was going. His mind threw out several options, but none of them really fit. Better not to assume anyway. “Go on,” he said simply, watching her every move.
She swallowed and he knew she was struggling to find the right words. “I know it’s different for you, ‘cause you’re… older and seen and experienced so much more than I can ever even imagine. And things’ve hurt you too,” she added, once again squeezing his fingers as if she knew it would keep him from turning away.
“Hurt you worse than I can ever really understand. So you walk away a lot an’ try to let things stay wherever you leave ‘em behind. But I can’t do that. I might be a stupid human, but most of us don’t work too well just walking away from things that hurt without ever mentionin’ them again. Too much builds up and I can’t keep doing it. I’m gonna explode eventually and I don’t think it’ll be pretty for either of us if it happens.” She took a deep breath and smiled at him a bit. “I know you’re set in your ways, but maybe you can try to give me the opening every once in a while? That’s what friends do, right? Give a little here and there to make it work?”
He watched her with something akin to awe. All she’d given to him and all he’d taken from her and the only thing she asked for was for him to talk. Open up a little bit. Hard, yes. But doable. Especially with Rose. She’d already seen more of the ‘real’ him than any other companion ever had. In a lot of ways it had been an effort not to talk to her.
“And that’s all you want?” he asked, leaving the door wide open for her to make declarations.
“Yeah,” she said with a wobbly smile. “I… care about you, Doctor. I don’t want you to feel like you’ve got to, well, protect yourself from me ‘cause I’ve got my head full of stupid ideas. You Time Lord, me human, big universe in between,” she added, reaching up to tuck a strand of hair behind her ear, enchanting him with a simple movement. “I get it. I really do.”
His hearts flip-flopped, momentarily out of sync. She’d handed him a golden opportunity to keep their relationship as it was and never have to apologize or regret it. And she wasn’t just paying lip service, either. He could tell by the intense, sincere look in her eyes that she was willing to put her feelings aside so they could continue on without anything hanging over them, making things awkward.
For one agonizing moment he considered it before tossing the idea aside like so much rubbish. How often had he told her that going backward often wasn’t worth the consequences? He’d made his decision in the dark of night at the side of her bed and Rose being alive didn’t change anything. Except that now, if he had the courage, he could take them forward. He knew he didn’t have the courage to kill, but did he have enough to live?
Taking a deep breath, he looked down at their entwined fingers before meeting her eyes again. “What if I want more?”
tbc
Spoilers: Post Age of Steel
Pairing: Ten/Rose
Rating: R/Mature
Summary: Talking finally commences
Disclaimer: Not mine, unfortunately. I just like to play in the BBC’s sandbox. It’s a lovely sandbox.
A/N: So, I had been thinking this chapter would be the last, but it was getting rather monstrously long so I decided to tempt the fandom gods and split it up into two chapters. No throwing things because of the cliffie at the end. Unless it’s chocolate, then by my guest!
Chapter 1: Revealing Goodbyes
Chapter 2: Disapprovals
Chapter 3: What Dreams May Come
Chapter 4: Back in the Saddle Again
Chapter 5: Epiphanies
Chapter 6: She Sings
Chapter 7: Awakenings
Déjà Vu
He smiled as he kissed her. Rose had quite a thing for his hair, always jamming her fingers into the mass and teasing it until it practically stood on end. Not that he was complaining, especially since she was soft and warm beneath him, moving her hips against his in a way that made him groan aloud. And her mouth. She tasted like warm tea with honey. Or maybe that was a bit too much like one of those awful novels with a brooding man wandering the moors with hounds at his heels, cape billowing out behind him.
Still, he couldn’t get enough of the taste of her and she seemed just as hungry for the taste of him. The little moaning sound she made deep in her throat drove him a bit insane and suddenly kissing and rubbing against her wasn’t nearly enough. Eyes closed and hands questing, he felt the bare skin of her waist and followed it down over the curve of her hip to her thigh and…
With the name of every known deity in all of civilization on his lips, he realized that Rose wasn’t wearing any knickers. Which was quickly followed by he understanding that the blankets between them had gone away at some point and he was firmly ensconced between her thighs, only the fabric of his trousers between himself and nirvana.
That’s what really woke him. He never woke up with dreams of naked-Rose-nirvana. He had enough of them when he was awake. So many in fact that he just let them run on a loop in the back of his brain. That way he could focus on other things. He’d found if he tried to ignore them completely, they took on a life of their own. This regeneration evidently was more in touch with it’s… sensuality. Yes, that was a good for it. Would explain his penchant for licking everything, too.
Alright, so thinking of licking wasn’t a deterrent in his present situation. Especially not when Rose was hooking a knee over his hip and he could feel the heat radiating from her through his trousers and all he wanted to do was taste every inch of her body before losing himself in her…
“Rose, wait,” he gasped, wrenching his mouth from hers and looking down at her while he panted like a galactic marathon runner. Her eyes slowly opened, soft and hazy with sleep and arousal. She smiled at him and it was all he could do not to chuck it all and let them finish what they’d so spectacularly started.
“I can’t-,” he started.
Rose smirked at him in a lazy, half-asleep way before she stretched and arched against him. “From what I’m feelin’, you can,” she retorted.
He groaned and closed his eyes for a moment, looking for some rationale as to why he shouldn’t just agree and spend the next half hour teasing her until she begged… Wow. Evidently he also had a few issues with dominance. Interesting, that. But still, he had a problem at hand that had to be dealt with. He needed to put some distance between he and Rose, but if he moved, she was going to be sprawled more or less naked and that was really not something he needed to see at the moment. Oh, and she might be hurt. Yes, that too. Didn’t want to hurt her. Done too much of that, but still…
With a strangled sound that was a sigh and a groan all mixed together, he dropped his head to her shoulder for a moment while he gathered the frayed strands of his sanity. “Can or can’t isn’t the issue,” he murmured, lifting his head and looking down at her. “You nearly died, Rose. Nothing’s going to jeopardize your recovery. Not even me,” he said firmly.
She caught her lower lip in her teeth and suddenly looked uncertain. “I… I’m sorry,” she sighed, her eyes sliding away from his. Bloody, buggering hell. That was exactly what he didn’t want.
“I didn’t mean for this to happen,” she added in a rush. “I just sort of woke up and… your hands and… well, I know I shouldn’t have kissed you and…”
He put a finger against her lips, his eyes dark and intense but his tone soft and gentle. “Stop and listen to what you’re saying, Rose. It’s not like you tied me up and molested me,” he said with a ghost of a smile. “I was obviously a willing participant. Instigator, even.”
Without thinking he leaned in and kissed the tip of her nose while she stared at him. He knew she was reeling that he hadn’t jumped up and run away, but he wasn’t ready to get into a heavy discussion of their evolving relationship. Assuming she even wanted… Now that was a rub. He wasn’t even sure if that’s what she wanted. Oh yes, the attraction wasn’t an issue. Obviously. But on an emotional level, did she still want him? Before she’d gotten sick, things were badly off-track, thanks to his own blundering about.
But what if she said no? He felt rather ill at the thought. There was only one way to tell. He had to talk to her. Something he’d never been good at. For some reason it had always seemed simpler to allow things to play out and apologize as needed after the fact. Regeneration, anyone? That wasn’t going to work this time, though. They had to talk about what was broken and if she was even willing to fix it.
He realized she was smiling tremulously and grinned at her in response. “That’s my girl. Now,” he cleared his throat as he carefully eased away, drawing the blanket up as he did and keeping his eyes firmly on Rose’s face, “what you need is some breakfast. And then maybe a shower,” he ignored the small smirk she directed at him, “of your own and we’ll see how you feel after that.”
Making it to the edge of the bed without further incident was a major accomplishment and he exhaled, the slight movement reflected in the mirror catching his attention. He grinned at himself. He didn’t look half bad all rumpled and…
Whatever else was going into the thought was forgotten as he watched Rose’s reflection shift and adjust the sheets, the swell of one breast nearly completely revealed. Obviously she hadn’t noticed the mirror and thought herself safe with his back turned. Bloody mirror. Why on earth had he put it there in the first place? Oh yes. He did rather like to look at himself in this regeneration. And then it occurred to him what other things he could look at in the mirror. Himself and Rose. Together, doing all sorts of…
“Alright!” he exclaimed, standing up suddenly and heading for the doorway. “Breakfast it is.” Right after he took the coldest shower he could imagine. On the other side of the ship. “Back in a tick.”
With an odd sense of déjà vu, he took off down the hall reciting the five thousand character Juntilaten alphabet. Backwards.
**********************************************************************
Rose watched the Doctor practically run for the door and sighed. If it wasn’t so bloody painful, it would almost be funny, watching him run like a scared rabbit when things got a little intense. Although to be fair, what had just happened had been a bit more than intense. Amazing was one word for it, but she couldn’t let herself dwell too much on that part. Not since it wasn’t likely to ever happen again.
She wondered if he realized how hot and cold he ran. It was frustrating and it hurt, but if she was honest, that was just the nature of the Doctor. He could be joking and acting like a buffoon one minute and become terrifying and dangerous the next. She’d seen him command control of a situation with that routine more times than she could count. The Oncoming Storm? Try The Great Manipulator, she thought with a soft snort.
With a frown, she wondered how often he manipulated her and she just sailed along, blissfully ignorant. It wasn’t a nice thought. Still, innocent until proven guilty, right? And there was something else. The day she’d spent taking care of Princess Alethia, before she got sick, she’d had a lot of time on her hands to think, but beyond that, while she was sick, it was as if some compartment of her brain came to some realizations about him and the two added up to some heavy understanding.
Rose frowned and absently lifted her hands to her temples and rubbed lightly. She knew things about the Doctor that she hadn’t before. No, that wasn’t right. Maybe it was that she somehow just understood those things better. Namely that it simply wasn’t possible to harness a force of nature. And that’s what the Doctor was. Force of nature, force of the universe… whatever. But trying to tie him to her, box up that essence, it was going to destroy them both. Her because she could never do it and him because he’d hurt her by denying her. When she wasn’t caught up in acting like a petulant child who wasn’t being given the toy she wanted, she knew the last thing she wanted was to hurt him. He’d had enough hurt; another thing she seemed to understand better, even if she wasn’t sure why.
So where did that leave her? Aside from nearly naked in his bed, of course. At least she assumed it was his bed. The sheets smelled like him and had even before she’d woken up to find his warm hands wandering and driving all coherent thought out of her mind. God, that had been one hell of a wake up call. Part of her still wanted to curse at him for not finishing what he started. And she might yet if he tried to play along as if nothing had happened. That little bit of nonsense was going to have to stop. When she thought about it, she realized the Doctor rarely was up for rehashing much of anything. Once people and events passed out of his viewpoint, it was almost as if they’d disappeared completely. What had happened on the Game Station. Jack. Reinette. Mickey… The list was longer, but those were the ones that really stood out, made her heart ache in a multitude of ways. If they were going to continue on, he was going to have to bend a little on that. Sometimes she needed to remember, to talk about people or to hash things out. She couldn’t help it. She was human.
In the end though, what it all came down to were Sarah Jane’s words of wisdom, even though they’d seemed rather hopeless at the time. Some things were worth getting your heart broken over. The Doctor was worth it, even if she knew her time with him was like a star that burned brilliantly, but burned itself out all the more swiftly because of its brightness. If he would allow her, she’d love him every way she knew how and if not, she would love him from afar and be his best friend; the companion he’d needed whether he knew it or not. Then when it was over, she’d grieve and seek out those that understood and over time learn to live without him. She was strong enough to do that even if she forgot sometimes. After all, he’d said it himself, hadn’t he?
She was the best.
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When he returned rather guiltily with breakfast on a tray two hours later, Rose wasn’t where he left her. In fact, she wasn’t in the room at all. He set the tray down on the table and frowned. It’s not like he’d wandered off for the day. She should have been able to stay put for such a short time. He sighed. She was probably trying to make a point. Justifiably. He shouldn’t have left her so long, not after…
A noise in the doorway caught his attention and he whirled around. “You look like you lost somethin’” Rose smiled, leaning against the door frame.
He automatically smiled back. “I thought I did, but somehow it’s reappeared.” His eyes roamed over her. She’d showered and dried her hair all on her own, it appeared. Which was just as well since he wasn’t sure he had the fortitude to help her and remain clinical about it. It was bad enough that she’d put his shirt back on, firmly buttoned up this time and the tails hanging down to mid-thigh. And errant thought crossed his mind and he irritably shut down the speculation of whether or not she was wearing knickers. He was evidently de-evolving into a randy ape if the bent of his thoughts were any proof.
“Come sit down before you fall over,” he said more sharply than he’d meant to. Surprise, concern and a little hurt flickered over her face and he felt like a complete bastard. “I just don’t want you doing anything to risk your recovery. Not after I came so close to losing you,” he said fiercely. “So your choices are to behave yourself or bear the consequences.”
She smiled at that. “Aye, aye captain!” she saluted and made her way over the bed. He watched her closely enough that he didn’t miss the bit of unsteady sway in her step, a sure sign that she’d tired herself out bathing. But then she was climbing into bed and his shirt was riding up on her and yes… white knickers. White lace knickers. He never realized what a turn on white lace could be until that moment.
Rather feeling like he was losing his mind, he forced himself to turn and pick up the tray as she settled in. “Now eat,” he said, placing it on her lap and settling himself at the end of the bed, close but not too close. A smile curved his lips as he watched her study the unfamiliar food. “I promise it’s all wonderful. Selynternian’s’ve been sending baskets and baskets of treats. They feel a little guilty about nearly killing the woman who safeguarded their heir.” His eyes darkened for a moment. They hadn’t done anything though. It was his fault, as it usually was and the guilt still lay just below the surface.
He shoved it away with a brilliant grin. “Anyway, nothing like that Etharian food, which I still say was quite good if you gave it a chance.
Rose rolled her eyes at him. “Said by the man who licks walls. Should tell you somethin’.”
“I’ll have you know that even in you humans, the tongue is one of the most advanced sensory organs! The things it can do…” He stopped when he noticed that Rose was looking at him with a faintly amused look on her face, one brow cocked the way she tended to do when he’d said something with a particularly obvious potential for double-entendre.
Having nothing brilliant to say in response to that look, he just reached over and shoved a piece of fruit in her mouth. She chewed with laughter in her eyes, but as she continued to watch him, it faded to something shielded and enigmatic. He didn’t like it. He was the enigmatic one. She was supposed to be an open book.
“What happened?” she suddenly asked, pinning him with a look that was surprising in its intensity. That was it. ‘What’s happened?’. He looked at her, knowing that she meant more than how she got sick or what happened during that time. She sensed something was different. Huh. Maybe waking up to him nearly shagging her senseless had clued her in. He snorted at his own mental sarcasm.
Rose’s eyes flared wide at the noise and she looked at him almost warily. He’d dreaded this moment and in doing so, planned every word he would say. But now that the moment was upon him, he groped for someplace to begin. Well, there was the obvious. When all else failed…
“What happened? You almost died, Rose. And not in a blaze of glory, either. You were being tortured from the inside out by a mindless disease,” he ground out, his voice rough with emotion as the memory of the days and nights of her illness washed over him. “And there was nothing I could do to help you. Not a bloody thing.” He could feel her eyes on him as he looked away. But wasn’t that always the way? She gave him ablution for his sins, no matter how big or small. It was funny that he could be both humbled and feel resentment for such a thing. He was a Time Lord. He shouldn’t need ablution. But he had since the day Gallifrey burned and from the very beginning, Rose had been the one to give it to him.
Her warm fingers found his and drew him out of his mental meandering. “Well you obviously did somethin’, ‘cause I’m sitting here now,” she said evenly, a calm look in her eyes that was new somehow.
“No, I didn’t,” he denied, shaking his head before looking at her once more. “Do you remember anything at all after you started feeling ill?”
Rose frowned thoughtfully. “I… “ She couldn’t tell him about the pain. Pain like she’d never experienced before and never wanted to again. If he was already feeling guilty for what had happened, she wasn’t about to further it.
“I remember you going on and on at me, although most of the time I couldn’t make out what you were sayin’. I remember being scared when you stopped talkin’ though. Like I was lost and didn’t know where to go. And then…” she paused and he watched her focus turn internal. “There was… singing. Like…” She shook her head as if trying to dredge up a memory and for a moment he panicked, wondering if it would break free.
“I don’t know,” she continued. “But there was singing. I know I’ve heard it before, but I can’t say where. Anyway, it… it helped. I knew then that everything was going to be okay.” She paused and he felt his hearts thump in relief. Until she spoke again.
“That was right after you begged me to live.”
His head shot up. “I thought you said you couldn’t make anything out!”
Rose smiled at him sadly. “I said I couldn’t make out much. But you were so tired and worried…” She squeezed his fingers. “I’m sorry.”
“Rose, are you sure nothing else happened while you were sick that I should know about?” he asked slowly, his eyes searching her for some obvious change. Something about her was very different. It was just a glimmer so far, but there was less of the girl tossed about by her own feelings and more of a woman that accepted herself and others, shortcomings and all. If someone had asked him to explain how he came up with the idea, he couldn’t have, but he still knew it all the same.
She smiled at him and shook her head. “No. Nothing that I know of. But if you didn’t come up with some way to save me, what happened?’ Her eyes widened. “You didn’t go back, did you?”
“No,” he replied quickly, although the truth was that he had seriously considered it. “You know how it works once we’re part of a timeline.” He sighed and ran his hand through his hair. There was no help for it. He was going to have to tell her. “I think the TARDIS had a hand in things, so to speak.”
Rose blinked, her lips parted as she stared at him. “The TARDIS? But how? Why?”
“Not a clue,” he lied blithely. There was no way he was going to tell her she still had a bond with his ship, especially since she still had no clue that she’d ever bonded with the TARDIS to begin with. “I’ve told you before that there’s a lot about her that even I don’t know. Maybe she just did it for me. Wouldn’t be the first time she’d pulled my arse out of the fire,” he said, not paying attention to the words at first and then wincing as they reminded him of when the TARDIS had literally saved him from burning with all of Gallifrey.
“If that’s what happened, I’m glad she did,” Rose replied softly. “Not just for me, but because I wouldn’t ever want to leave you that way.”
“Rose…” he started then stopped not even sure what he was going to say, but she’d opened the door, however inadvertently. “I didn’t want to do this while you were still recovering, but I’m not sure there’s any way around it.” He braced himself for whatever was to come. “We need to talk.”
The flicker of worry in Rose’s eyes didn’t surprise him at all. Even with her apparent newfound peace, she was still his Rose. And had the tables been turned he would have felt a jolt of concern as well. He watched her swallow and struggle not to jump to conclusions.
“If you want me to leave, say it plainly,” she said without meeting his eyes, her chin lifting a notch the way it always did when she was bracing herself for hurt. It tugged at his heart.
“Do you want to leave?” he asked softly, needing to hear the answer from her own lips, not by his assumptions.
A tiny smile ghosted across her lips as she watched him. “Haven’t we had this discussion before, Doctor?”
Smart girl, his Rose. “We have,” he admitted, remembering standing outside the TARDIS the night the ashes the Sycorax ship sifted down on London, desperately afraid she wouldn’t want him after his regeneration. “But it’s different now. Things are different. We’re different.”
She studied him for a moment and nodded. “I know.” She paused then added, “Is this about what happened this morning or is there something else I’m missing?”
“Both,” he replied with a sigh and debated how much to tell her about… anything. “I suppose it started when we left Mickey back in the parallel universe. You were very upset,” he went on evenly. “I was half-convinced you were going to ask me to take you home for good.”
“I almost did,” she said softly, the admission freezing him to the core before she continued. “I couldn’t do it though. Didn’t really want to. But Doctor, if we’re gonna continue on, the two of us travelin’, being best friends, somethin’s gotta change.”
He blinked at her, curious as to where she was going. His mind threw out several options, but none of them really fit. Better not to assume anyway. “Go on,” he said simply, watching her every move.
She swallowed and he knew she was struggling to find the right words. “I know it’s different for you, ‘cause you’re… older and seen and experienced so much more than I can ever even imagine. And things’ve hurt you too,” she added, once again squeezing his fingers as if she knew it would keep him from turning away.
“Hurt you worse than I can ever really understand. So you walk away a lot an’ try to let things stay wherever you leave ‘em behind. But I can’t do that. I might be a stupid human, but most of us don’t work too well just walking away from things that hurt without ever mentionin’ them again. Too much builds up and I can’t keep doing it. I’m gonna explode eventually and I don’t think it’ll be pretty for either of us if it happens.” She took a deep breath and smiled at him a bit. “I know you’re set in your ways, but maybe you can try to give me the opening every once in a while? That’s what friends do, right? Give a little here and there to make it work?”
He watched her with something akin to awe. All she’d given to him and all he’d taken from her and the only thing she asked for was for him to talk. Open up a little bit. Hard, yes. But doable. Especially with Rose. She’d already seen more of the ‘real’ him than any other companion ever had. In a lot of ways it had been an effort not to talk to her.
“And that’s all you want?” he asked, leaving the door wide open for her to make declarations.
“Yeah,” she said with a wobbly smile. “I… care about you, Doctor. I don’t want you to feel like you’ve got to, well, protect yourself from me ‘cause I’ve got my head full of stupid ideas. You Time Lord, me human, big universe in between,” she added, reaching up to tuck a strand of hair behind her ear, enchanting him with a simple movement. “I get it. I really do.”
His hearts flip-flopped, momentarily out of sync. She’d handed him a golden opportunity to keep their relationship as it was and never have to apologize or regret it. And she wasn’t just paying lip service, either. He could tell by the intense, sincere look in her eyes that she was willing to put her feelings aside so they could continue on without anything hanging over them, making things awkward.
For one agonizing moment he considered it before tossing the idea aside like so much rubbish. How often had he told her that going backward often wasn’t worth the consequences? He’d made his decision in the dark of night at the side of her bed and Rose being alive didn’t change anything. Except that now, if he had the courage, he could take them forward. He knew he didn’t have the courage to kill, but did he have enough to live?
Taking a deep breath, he looked down at their entwined fingers before meeting her eyes again. “What if I want more?”
tbc