Farewell to Innocence 3/8?
Story: Farewell to Innocence
Author: WMR
Series: What Was Lost; follows Past Life and Cast a Cold Eye. Will not make a lot of sense if you haven't read those!
Characters: Nine, Rose, Jack
Spoilers: Up to The Doctor Dances
Rated: PG (for now)
Summary: Memory, such a fickle thing, but he wants it back. Final story in the What Was Lost trilogy.
With grateful thanks, as always, to my wonderful and invaluable BRs,
dark_aegis,
nnwest and
ponygirl72.
Chapter 1: Honour Defiled
Chapter 2: Dreams and Memories
Chapter 3: Folly
The fire that stirs about her, when she stirs,
Burns but more clearly. O she had not these ways
When all the wild Summer was in her gaze.’
Heart! O heart! if she’d but turn her head,
You’d know the folly of being comforted.
- William Butler Yeats: The Folly of Being Comforted
She stifled a grin as the Doctor’s footsteps faded away. It was working. He was definitely jealous. No way the look on his face had meant anything else.
The sound of a chair scraping across the floor made her turn to look at Jack. The smile on her face faded away as she saw his expression.
The laughter had vanished. In its place was disgust. And anger.
“I want to talk to you.”
His tone was oddly sharp. She shrugged. “What about?”
“Not here.” He strode to the door. “Come on.”
She followed him, puzzled at his mood and also irritated at his demand. The Doctor was probably in the console room now, and she wanted to be with him. She needed to work out whether he was really annoyed with her, or whether her tactics were working.
Jack led the way into the library, and closed the door behind him. “Okay, Rose,” he said, turning to her. “This stops now.”
“What?”
“Flirting with me. I didn’t mind when it was harmless - hell, you know flirting’s part of what I am - but you’re playing a dangerous game and I’m not going to be part of it.”
Shit. There was a sinking feeling in her stomach. She really hadn’t expected him to figure out what she was up to.
She made a quick choice. “I don’t know what you mean.” Frowning slightly, she gave him a confused look.
An impatient expression flashed across his face. “Don’t treat me like I’m an idiot, Rose. I’ve got far more experience than you have of this kinda thing. You’re an amateur when it comes to sex games.”
She flushed.
“You’re trying to make the Doctor jealous. And, apart from that being about the most stupid thing you could do with a guy like him, there’re so many ways that could backfire on you. And on me, if I was stupid enough to let you use me to bait him.”
His contempt was biting. If he hadn’t been leaning against the door, she’d have walked out. Who the hell did he think he was, talking to her like that? He’d only been on the TARDIS a little over a week. And he thought he knew the Doctor better than she did?
“Backfiring? What are you talking about?” As she spoke, she heard her voice and realised she sounded sulky. Damn. That wasn’t what she’d intended at all.
Jack shook his head, his expression impatient. “For starters, did you even think about the danger you could be putting me in? If I hadn’t seen through you and was actually idiotic enough to flirt back seriously, I mean.”
Danger? “What, you’re afraid he’d hit you? Big, strong bloke like you?”
Jack’s look scorched her. “Try dumping me on another slave planet. Or someplace with barely-breathable atmosphere. This is his ship. He gets to say if I stay or go. And I assume the same goes for you.”
The reminder that the Doctor could tell her to leave at any time stung. She wanted to protest that he wouldn’t. That he needed her here; that he wanted her around as much as she wanted to be around. The trouble was that, while she believed that most of the time, there were times when she admitted that the Doctor had been alone before and obviously survived. He could again.
And he’d told her himself how old he was, and that he’d travelled with others before her. The cold, hard truth was that she was as replaceable as anyone who’d come before her.
The rest of what Jack had said was true, too, and it stung even more because of what it said about her.
She chewed her lip. Her policy, when she’d done something wrong, was usually to admit it. Here, too, that was obviously the best approach. “I... You’re right. I wasn’t thinking. I don’t think he would do that to you, but he’s dumped someone before - Adam - because he didn’t measure up.”
Jack nodded. “Right.” He blew out a breath, then continued, his tone less condemning, but still not friendly. “You want to know how else it could backfire? The Doctor’s not the sort of guy to respond well to blackmail. He’s just as likely to do exactly the opposite to what you want.”
She didn’t answer that. She wasn’t really sure how she could. Because, again, Jack was right. She’d seen it herself too many times to ignore. The Doctor did not like having his hand forced, and whenever she’d seen someone try it she’d known he’d make them regret it. Stupid that she hadn’t thought of what she was trying to do in that same light. Stupid, stupid, stupid.
And even worse that Jack, still looking at her with barely-disguised contempt, had seen it.
“You do this a lot? Flirt with other guys in front of him?”
Did she? Well, there was Mickey, but Mickey was her boyfriend. Or had been. That was different. Adam? Did he count? She’d just been friendly to him, surely. Though the Doctor had made a couple of pointed remarks about him being her boyfriend.
Jack. She’d used Jack, all right, especially shortly after she’d met him. All that stuff about him being good-looking, and implying that he knew how to make a woman feel like a woman, while the Doctor didn’t.
And it had made the Doctor jealous. Trouble was, Jack was right. It hadn’t sent him into her arms, had it?
Not like Mickey. Or other blokes she’d known. That trick had always worked with them.
Shallow. Manipulative.
Her gaze shot to Jack. But he hadn’t said the words. They were obviously the criticisms of her own conscience.
“And there’s one more thing you should think about before you try using me again.” Jack had left his position by the door and was advancing towards her. “I’m not like the guys you left behind in your own time, Rose. I’m not like that guy Adam you picked up.”
He was getting closer, and something in the way he was moving, and the way he was looking at her, made her start to worry. Her heart was beating more rapidly suddenly. She glanced around, looking for escape.
“You’re an amateur, compared to me,” he said again, and his tone was cynical. “Remember dancing on top of my spaceship?”
She nodded. She couldn’t speak.
He was very close to her now. His hand came to rest on the side of her face. Suddenly, his expression had changed. There was something in his eyes that she recognised - an intensity that made her unable to take her gaze off him. Her breath caught.
His other arm came around her waist, and in a sudden movement he yanked her to him. She was pressed against him exactly as she had been back then. And now her heart was thumping even faster. Wide-eyed, she stared at him. What was he up to?
He lowered his head. His mouth was very close to hers. She waited, breathless. He was going to kiss her.
And his voice dropped in pitch as he spoke softly. “I could have had you then, Rose. We both know it. If I hadn’t been more interested in getting my money first, we’d have been in bed together - or doing it on top of my ship - before the end of the first dance. I swept you completely off your feet, and you didn’t even realise it. You were putty in my hands.”
He was right. She hadn’t known it herself until he’d started getting aggressive in his negotiations. Then she’d come to her senses and realised how close she’d come to being seduced by an expert. Strange how she’d forgotten that in her later dealings with Jack. But then he’d been such a nice guy over the past week. He’d become a friend, with no hint of the fast worker he’d been that night.
She blinked and stared at him. He was doing it again. Their bodies were pressed close together. His arm was tight around her waist. And she could feel his arousal hard against her stomach.
She swallowed. Was he going to...? And, if he did, could she stop him?
Did she even want to stop him?
Oh, god. She was behaving like a complete slut. In love with the Doctor, and letting Jack seduce her.
Abruptly, she was released. She almost lost her balance and, by the time she’d steadied herself, he was several feet away.
“See?” Now, he was smiling, and it was amusement at her expense. And no trace of arousal at all in his expression. And she was still all churned up inside from what he’d just done to her. “I’m not a toy you can play with, Rose. Play with me and you’ll get burned.”
She swallowed. Her face felt fiery-red. This was a side of Jack she’d never expected. And all she wanted to do was get away from him.
Glaring at him, she tried to make for the door. But he caught her arms as she tried to pass him.
“Calm down,” he said, irritatingly calm himself, as she tried to fight him. “I don’t want to fight with you, Rose. Believe it or not, I like you. If I didn’t, I wouldn’t have said any of this to you. I’d just have let you take the consequences of what you were doing.”
“What, and risk him dumping you somewhere?” Did he really think she’d believe that? Right now, she hated him.
He shrugged, releasing his hold on her. “I’ve survived before, and I’d do it again. I’m hardly helpless. And, no matter how pissed off he got, I can’t really see the Doctor abandoning me somewhere that’d kill me.”
He was right. The Doctor wouldn’t do that.
And he was right in the rest of what he’d said, too. She had been playing with fire. She’d been selfish and manipulative, and bloody immature, too. Playing one guy off against another might be the right kind of tactic for a silly teenager, but she should be beyond that by now. Was beyond it. It certainly wasn’t the way to persuade the Doctor that it wouldn’t be taking advantage of her if they became lovers.
Jack was right. Everything he’d said, everything he’d implied about her. And, god, she hated him for it. No matter how unfair that was.
“Anyway,” Jack continued, and his tone was friendlier now - she almost hated him for that, too; for his ability to switch moods so easily. “There are much better ways to get what you want when you’re dealing with a guy like the Doctor. And, if you’d thought about it for a moment, you might’ve realised that I could give you some suggestions.”
Yeah, he probably could, at that. She raised an eyebrow at him. “An’ why would you want to do that? Flexible bloke like you, why wouldn’t you be usin’ them yourself? Don’t think I don’t know you fancy ‘im.”
His head dipped at that, and he stared briefly at the floor. Then he raised his gaze again, meeting hers. “Yeah. I do. But then, as you said, I’m flexible. I fancy you, too, to use your expression. But you two are way too complicated for anyone to come between you. I’m not that stupid.”
He began to move away from the door, but then paused. “Rose, I’ve been hard on you, but I had to make you see why what you were doing won’t work. If I’ve made an enemy of you in the process, then that’s a shame - but, to use a phrase from your century, don’t cut off your nose to spite your face. I make a better friend than you might think right now.” And he actually smiled, one of those charming smiles she was so used to seeing from him, and that did funny things to her insides.
She looked away. Didn’t want to be charmed by Captain bloody Harkness right now.
“If you see the Doctor, tell him I’m in the library, taking a proper look at those books he showed me last night.” And then he opened the door and was gone.
*******
Almost finished. Just needed holoimages now for the fake IDs to be complete. But that meant requiring the presence of his companions here in the computer lab with him... and right now that was not a desirable option.
God. The way she’d looked at him... the way he’d laughed back at her... So much for Harkness’s promise last night that he wasn’t a threat! So much for Harkness actually recognising his feelings for Rose - he’d seen it in the other man’s head, in his memories of their encounter in 1916. When he’d been so protective of Rose, lying dead on that bed in Jack’s ship...
He punched at a key, harder than it either required or deserved. Right now, if he had the option, both of them would be out. Earth, Mars, Omega Centaur - who cared? Anywhere would do, just so long as he was shot of them...
...and then he’d be alone again.
Just what was it about him, his peculiar make-up, that no matter which body he was in he could never seem to survive on his own for long? The Time Lords had enjoyed baiting him about that. Couldn’t stand the company of his own race, but he had to pick up inferior species from all over the galaxy. Especially humans.
Course, the Time Lords weren’t around to pull that one on him any more. He could have anyone he wanted with him and no-one would care.
Well, except for those they left behind, of course. Jackie Tyler. Mickey Smith. Their accusing faces leapt into his mind.
“She’s my daughter! She’s only nineteen! Can you promise me she’ll be safe? What if she gets lost? What if something happens to you, Doctor, and she's left all alone standing on some moon a million light years away?”
“How can you say that, and then take her with you?”
But they didn’t understand, either. It was Rose’s choice - and his need.
Just as Jack was Rose’s choice.
He could throw Jack out, of course. But what would be the point? She’d either go with the Captain or resent him for getting rid of her boyfriend.
And anyway, it was all his own fault. He’d had her. All his. But, for the best of reasons, he’d backed away. Could he really object that she’d chosen someone else? Could he really have expected her to continue in this exclusive best-mates-who-love-each-other thing indefinitely? She was human. Young. And a very sensual, tactile person, what was more. She needed more than occasional hugs. She needed sex. Obviously, she wasn’t getting it from Mickey any more. And he hadn’t exactly offered. Though whether she’d even want it from him...
She’d wanted kisses from him.
Damnit. The image on the screen, which he’d spent many careful minutes constructing, disappeared into oblivion.
Stupid. Stupid. He should be concentrating on the job, and not...
“Doctor? There you are.”
Rose. He’d been hoping she wouldn’t find him. Hoping neither of them would.
Slowly, he turned, expecting to see the too-handsome figure of the Captain behind her. But she was alone.
“Got bored with your new friend, did you?”
Shit. Shit. Why did he have to go and say that?
Now she’d look all triumphant and accuse him of jealousy again. Ask him again if he wanted to change his mind.
But she didn’t. Instead, she seemed to flinch, but he had to have imagined that. Then she shrugged. “Jack said to tell you he’s gone to look at those books again.”
“Right.” Well, he hadn’t been wrong; they’d been together.
“What ya doing?” She came into the room and over to where he was working.
“Making identification for us for when we go to the archives,” he explained, tone curt.
“Oh.” She stopped, close to him but far enough away for the distance to be noticeable. And only a little over an hour ago she’d been leaning into his shoulder. He looked away from her again and to the screen, where he was trying to recreate the ID he’d just destroyed. Jack Wolsey. That would do for Harkness. Course, neither of them would even be aware of the joke. Naming Jack for a cat. A cat he’d once owned, of course, but he wasn’t going to go near that one.
“University of St Oscar’s.” Rose was leaning closer, still not touching him, and reading what was on his screen. “Planet: Dellah. Where’s that?”
“Long way from here.” He added the university’s insignia again. “Far enough that the officials at the archive might just have heard of it but they won’t know anything about the university.”
“Does St Oscar’s even exist?”
“Oh, yeah.” He gave a tight smile. “Been there.” A couple of times, in fact. He was tempted to tell her about the most recent time right now. Him and Benny, in his eighth life. Let her be the one to be jealous, for once.
But that would just be being childish. And he’d done enough of that lately as it was.
“Oh.”
That was a distinct lack of interest from Rose, who normally showed so much interest in everything. He glanced sharply at her. She was playing with the hem of her shirt. And there was something in her expression... as if she were unhappy about something but desperately trying to hide it.
“So, what’s up?” He hadn’t wanted to ask; really didn’t want to know. It was pretty obvious what the problem was. “Had a fight with the boyfriend?”
“He’s not my boyfriend.” The denial was instantaneous, and with more than a hint of anger.
No? Well, she’d been giving a damn good impression of it earlier! He gritted his teeth and turned back to his screen.
Rose just watched him in silence for a couple of minutes. And then, slowly, with evident nervousness - nervous? Of him? - she said, “Last time I did something really stupid, Doctor, I... said I was sorry. An’ you forgave me.”
Oh, how well he remembered that. Saving her dad. Almost ending the world. Of course he’d forgiven her. After all, it’d been as much his fault as hers. Probably more; after all, he was the Time Lord. He was the one who knew everything that could go wrong - everything that was likely to go wrong, knowing human nature, knowing Rose Tyler. She’d not had a clue. Of course he’d forgiven her.
He shot her a more lingering glance. She was chewing her lip. “Yeah,” he said, all sarcasm gone. “I remember.”
“If I... well, if I’d done something stupid again an’ I said I was sorry, would you forgive me again?”
He paused in the act of typing ‘Research assistant’ underneath Jack’s name. What had she done this time?
Oh, hell. She’d gone and got herself knocked up, hadn’t she? And now she wanted him to say it was all right. That he didn’t mind. Or that he’d make it all right for her.
No, that was stupid. Even if Harkness was the fast worker he seemed, she’d never know this soon...
He sighed. “What’ve you done?”
The anxious expression was still on her face. “Rose.” He stopped his work and turned to look at her. “Whatever it is, it can’t be that bad. Tell me.”
He heard her take a deep breath. “Was really stupid... This morning, in the kitchen. It didn’t mean anything, you know.”
Right. Now what was she trying to do? Play one of them off against the other or something?
“Didn’t look like nothing,” he said, looking away again.
“Was me bein’ stupid.” She turned away from him. “I did it deliberately. Flirted with him. I...” She broke off and chewed her lip again. “Was tryin’ to make you...”
Jealous. He could fill in the last word himself.
And it had worked, too. Though he wasn’t going to tell her that.
“Why are you telling me this now?” It didn’t make sense - giving up an advantage she so clearly had.
“Cause it was stupid, like I said. Wasn’t fair to use Jack like that, an’ it wasn’t fair to you. ‘Sides, you’ve made it clear you’re not interested.”
Yeah, like hell he wasn’t interested. Though he needed her to think so. Except that, as he looked at her again, he could see she was hurt. The least he could do was explain a little. “It’s more that it’s not a good idea, Rose.”
“Oh.”
The hurt in her voice registered, too. He studied her for a moment, then held out his arms. “C’mere.” She came, nestling against him as if she’d needed his comfort. And he needed hers - too much for his own sanity.
He remembered what she’d said. “If you want me to tell you you’re forgiven, then course you are. Just don’t do it again, okay?”
He felt a little shudder run through her. “I won’t.”
Stupid of him to feel glad. “I thought you liked Jack.”
“I did - do,” she protested, but without the enthusiasm he’d have expected. A thought occurred to him. Harkness wasn’t an idiot. Was it possible that he’d resented being used and had said so?
She was still his. Even if it was unfair of him to feel glad about it, and selfish of him to expect her to be faithful to a bloke who was determined never to give her what she wanted from him.
But that didn’t stop him from dropping a kiss on her forehead, nor from smiling warmly back at her when she raised her head and smiled tentatively at him.
*******
It was good to be in his arms again; to be his friend again, even if he persisted in ruling out more for them.
No matter how much it hurt to admit it, Jack was right. She’d been stupid, pursuing a strategy that had been destined to fail and to tear apart everything she loved in the process. He’d made her face it. And she was glad she’d found the courage to talk to the Doctor and tell him she was sorry. No secrets. No deception.
They were okay. And, if the Doctor was determined that this was all they could have, she’d just have to learn to live with it. To accept it and be happy with it and with him. Love came in many forms, after all, and one thing she had no doubt whatsoever about was that he loved her.
Course, she’d find it hard to be with Jack for a while. Things would be awkward. He hadn’t pulled his punches, and he’d said and done some things that made her feel... humiliated.
All in all, it was probably just as well that once they’d got his memories back he’d be leaving to get on with his life.
*******
tbc
x-posted to
better_with_3
Author: WMR
Series: What Was Lost; follows Past Life and Cast a Cold Eye. Will not make a lot of sense if you haven't read those!
Characters: Nine, Rose, Jack
Spoilers: Up to The Doctor Dances
Rated: PG (for now)
Summary: Memory, such a fickle thing, but he wants it back. Final story in the What Was Lost trilogy.
With grateful thanks, as always, to my wonderful and invaluable BRs,
dark_aegis,
nnwest and
ponygirl72.
Chapter 1: Honour Defiled
Chapter 2: Dreams and Memories
Chapter 3: Folly
The fire that stirs about her, when she stirs,
Burns but more clearly. O she had not these ways
When all the wild Summer was in her gaze.’
Heart! O heart! if she’d but turn her head,
You’d know the folly of being comforted.
- William Butler Yeats: The Folly of Being Comforted
She stifled a grin as the Doctor’s footsteps faded away. It was working. He was definitely jealous. No way the look on his face had meant anything else.
The sound of a chair scraping across the floor made her turn to look at Jack. The smile on her face faded away as she saw his expression.
The laughter had vanished. In its place was disgust. And anger.
“I want to talk to you.”
His tone was oddly sharp. She shrugged. “What about?”
“Not here.” He strode to the door. “Come on.”
She followed him, puzzled at his mood and also irritated at his demand. The Doctor was probably in the console room now, and she wanted to be with him. She needed to work out whether he was really annoyed with her, or whether her tactics were working.
Jack led the way into the library, and closed the door behind him. “Okay, Rose,” he said, turning to her. “This stops now.”
“What?”
“Flirting with me. I didn’t mind when it was harmless - hell, you know flirting’s part of what I am - but you’re playing a dangerous game and I’m not going to be part of it.”
Shit. There was a sinking feeling in her stomach. She really hadn’t expected him to figure out what she was up to.
She made a quick choice. “I don’t know what you mean.” Frowning slightly, she gave him a confused look.
An impatient expression flashed across his face. “Don’t treat me like I’m an idiot, Rose. I’ve got far more experience than you have of this kinda thing. You’re an amateur when it comes to sex games.”
She flushed.
“You’re trying to make the Doctor jealous. And, apart from that being about the most stupid thing you could do with a guy like him, there’re so many ways that could backfire on you. And on me, if I was stupid enough to let you use me to bait him.”
His contempt was biting. If he hadn’t been leaning against the door, she’d have walked out. Who the hell did he think he was, talking to her like that? He’d only been on the TARDIS a little over a week. And he thought he knew the Doctor better than she did?
“Backfiring? What are you talking about?” As she spoke, she heard her voice and realised she sounded sulky. Damn. That wasn’t what she’d intended at all.
Jack shook his head, his expression impatient. “For starters, did you even think about the danger you could be putting me in? If I hadn’t seen through you and was actually idiotic enough to flirt back seriously, I mean.”
Danger? “What, you’re afraid he’d hit you? Big, strong bloke like you?”
Jack’s look scorched her. “Try dumping me on another slave planet. Or someplace with barely-breathable atmosphere. This is his ship. He gets to say if I stay or go. And I assume the same goes for you.”
The reminder that the Doctor could tell her to leave at any time stung. She wanted to protest that he wouldn’t. That he needed her here; that he wanted her around as much as she wanted to be around. The trouble was that, while she believed that most of the time, there were times when she admitted that the Doctor had been alone before and obviously survived. He could again.
And he’d told her himself how old he was, and that he’d travelled with others before her. The cold, hard truth was that she was as replaceable as anyone who’d come before her.
The rest of what Jack had said was true, too, and it stung even more because of what it said about her.
She chewed her lip. Her policy, when she’d done something wrong, was usually to admit it. Here, too, that was obviously the best approach. “I... You’re right. I wasn’t thinking. I don’t think he would do that to you, but he’s dumped someone before - Adam - because he didn’t measure up.”
Jack nodded. “Right.” He blew out a breath, then continued, his tone less condemning, but still not friendly. “You want to know how else it could backfire? The Doctor’s not the sort of guy to respond well to blackmail. He’s just as likely to do exactly the opposite to what you want.”
She didn’t answer that. She wasn’t really sure how she could. Because, again, Jack was right. She’d seen it herself too many times to ignore. The Doctor did not like having his hand forced, and whenever she’d seen someone try it she’d known he’d make them regret it. Stupid that she hadn’t thought of what she was trying to do in that same light. Stupid, stupid, stupid.
And even worse that Jack, still looking at her with barely-disguised contempt, had seen it.
“You do this a lot? Flirt with other guys in front of him?”
Did she? Well, there was Mickey, but Mickey was her boyfriend. Or had been. That was different. Adam? Did he count? She’d just been friendly to him, surely. Though the Doctor had made a couple of pointed remarks about him being her boyfriend.
Jack. She’d used Jack, all right, especially shortly after she’d met him. All that stuff about him being good-looking, and implying that he knew how to make a woman feel like a woman, while the Doctor didn’t.
And it had made the Doctor jealous. Trouble was, Jack was right. It hadn’t sent him into her arms, had it?
Not like Mickey. Or other blokes she’d known. That trick had always worked with them.
Shallow. Manipulative.
Her gaze shot to Jack. But he hadn’t said the words. They were obviously the criticisms of her own conscience.
“And there’s one more thing you should think about before you try using me again.” Jack had left his position by the door and was advancing towards her. “I’m not like the guys you left behind in your own time, Rose. I’m not like that guy Adam you picked up.”
He was getting closer, and something in the way he was moving, and the way he was looking at her, made her start to worry. Her heart was beating more rapidly suddenly. She glanced around, looking for escape.
“You’re an amateur, compared to me,” he said again, and his tone was cynical. “Remember dancing on top of my spaceship?”
She nodded. She couldn’t speak.
He was very close to her now. His hand came to rest on the side of her face. Suddenly, his expression had changed. There was something in his eyes that she recognised - an intensity that made her unable to take her gaze off him. Her breath caught.
His other arm came around her waist, and in a sudden movement he yanked her to him. She was pressed against him exactly as she had been back then. And now her heart was thumping even faster. Wide-eyed, she stared at him. What was he up to?
He lowered his head. His mouth was very close to hers. She waited, breathless. He was going to kiss her.
And his voice dropped in pitch as he spoke softly. “I could have had you then, Rose. We both know it. If I hadn’t been more interested in getting my money first, we’d have been in bed together - or doing it on top of my ship - before the end of the first dance. I swept you completely off your feet, and you didn’t even realise it. You were putty in my hands.”
He was right. She hadn’t known it herself until he’d started getting aggressive in his negotiations. Then she’d come to her senses and realised how close she’d come to being seduced by an expert. Strange how she’d forgotten that in her later dealings with Jack. But then he’d been such a nice guy over the past week. He’d become a friend, with no hint of the fast worker he’d been that night.
She blinked and stared at him. He was doing it again. Their bodies were pressed close together. His arm was tight around her waist. And she could feel his arousal hard against her stomach.
She swallowed. Was he going to...? And, if he did, could she stop him?
Did she even want to stop him?
Oh, god. She was behaving like a complete slut. In love with the Doctor, and letting Jack seduce her.
Abruptly, she was released. She almost lost her balance and, by the time she’d steadied herself, he was several feet away.
“See?” Now, he was smiling, and it was amusement at her expense. And no trace of arousal at all in his expression. And she was still all churned up inside from what he’d just done to her. “I’m not a toy you can play with, Rose. Play with me and you’ll get burned.”
She swallowed. Her face felt fiery-red. This was a side of Jack she’d never expected. And all she wanted to do was get away from him.
Glaring at him, she tried to make for the door. But he caught her arms as she tried to pass him.
“Calm down,” he said, irritatingly calm himself, as she tried to fight him. “I don’t want to fight with you, Rose. Believe it or not, I like you. If I didn’t, I wouldn’t have said any of this to you. I’d just have let you take the consequences of what you were doing.”
“What, and risk him dumping you somewhere?” Did he really think she’d believe that? Right now, she hated him.
He shrugged, releasing his hold on her. “I’ve survived before, and I’d do it again. I’m hardly helpless. And, no matter how pissed off he got, I can’t really see the Doctor abandoning me somewhere that’d kill me.”
He was right. The Doctor wouldn’t do that.
And he was right in the rest of what he’d said, too. She had been playing with fire. She’d been selfish and manipulative, and bloody immature, too. Playing one guy off against another might be the right kind of tactic for a silly teenager, but she should be beyond that by now. Was beyond it. It certainly wasn’t the way to persuade the Doctor that it wouldn’t be taking advantage of her if they became lovers.
Jack was right. Everything he’d said, everything he’d implied about her. And, god, she hated him for it. No matter how unfair that was.
“Anyway,” Jack continued, and his tone was friendlier now - she almost hated him for that, too; for his ability to switch moods so easily. “There are much better ways to get what you want when you’re dealing with a guy like the Doctor. And, if you’d thought about it for a moment, you might’ve realised that I could give you some suggestions.”
Yeah, he probably could, at that. She raised an eyebrow at him. “An’ why would you want to do that? Flexible bloke like you, why wouldn’t you be usin’ them yourself? Don’t think I don’t know you fancy ‘im.”
His head dipped at that, and he stared briefly at the floor. Then he raised his gaze again, meeting hers. “Yeah. I do. But then, as you said, I’m flexible. I fancy you, too, to use your expression. But you two are way too complicated for anyone to come between you. I’m not that stupid.”
He began to move away from the door, but then paused. “Rose, I’ve been hard on you, but I had to make you see why what you were doing won’t work. If I’ve made an enemy of you in the process, then that’s a shame - but, to use a phrase from your century, don’t cut off your nose to spite your face. I make a better friend than you might think right now.” And he actually smiled, one of those charming smiles she was so used to seeing from him, and that did funny things to her insides.
She looked away. Didn’t want to be charmed by Captain bloody Harkness right now.
“If you see the Doctor, tell him I’m in the library, taking a proper look at those books he showed me last night.” And then he opened the door and was gone.
*******
Almost finished. Just needed holoimages now for the fake IDs to be complete. But that meant requiring the presence of his companions here in the computer lab with him... and right now that was not a desirable option.
God. The way she’d looked at him... the way he’d laughed back at her... So much for Harkness’s promise last night that he wasn’t a threat! So much for Harkness actually recognising his feelings for Rose - he’d seen it in the other man’s head, in his memories of their encounter in 1916. When he’d been so protective of Rose, lying dead on that bed in Jack’s ship...
He punched at a key, harder than it either required or deserved. Right now, if he had the option, both of them would be out. Earth, Mars, Omega Centaur - who cared? Anywhere would do, just so long as he was shot of them...
...and then he’d be alone again.
Just what was it about him, his peculiar make-up, that no matter which body he was in he could never seem to survive on his own for long? The Time Lords had enjoyed baiting him about that. Couldn’t stand the company of his own race, but he had to pick up inferior species from all over the galaxy. Especially humans.
Course, the Time Lords weren’t around to pull that one on him any more. He could have anyone he wanted with him and no-one would care.
Well, except for those they left behind, of course. Jackie Tyler. Mickey Smith. Their accusing faces leapt into his mind.
“She’s my daughter! She’s only nineteen! Can you promise me she’ll be safe? What if she gets lost? What if something happens to you, Doctor, and she's left all alone standing on some moon a million light years away?”
“How can you say that, and then take her with you?”
But they didn’t understand, either. It was Rose’s choice - and his need.
Just as Jack was Rose’s choice.
He could throw Jack out, of course. But what would be the point? She’d either go with the Captain or resent him for getting rid of her boyfriend.
And anyway, it was all his own fault. He’d had her. All his. But, for the best of reasons, he’d backed away. Could he really object that she’d chosen someone else? Could he really have expected her to continue in this exclusive best-mates-who-love-each-other thing indefinitely? She was human. Young. And a very sensual, tactile person, what was more. She needed more than occasional hugs. She needed sex. Obviously, she wasn’t getting it from Mickey any more. And he hadn’t exactly offered. Though whether she’d even want it from him...
She’d wanted kisses from him.
Damnit. The image on the screen, which he’d spent many careful minutes constructing, disappeared into oblivion.
Stupid. Stupid. He should be concentrating on the job, and not...
“Doctor? There you are.”
Rose. He’d been hoping she wouldn’t find him. Hoping neither of them would.
Slowly, he turned, expecting to see the too-handsome figure of the Captain behind her. But she was alone.
“Got bored with your new friend, did you?”
Shit. Shit. Why did he have to go and say that?
Now she’d look all triumphant and accuse him of jealousy again. Ask him again if he wanted to change his mind.
But she didn’t. Instead, she seemed to flinch, but he had to have imagined that. Then she shrugged. “Jack said to tell you he’s gone to look at those books again.”
“Right.” Well, he hadn’t been wrong; they’d been together.
“What ya doing?” She came into the room and over to where he was working.
“Making identification for us for when we go to the archives,” he explained, tone curt.
“Oh.” She stopped, close to him but far enough away for the distance to be noticeable. And only a little over an hour ago she’d been leaning into his shoulder. He looked away from her again and to the screen, where he was trying to recreate the ID he’d just destroyed. Jack Wolsey. That would do for Harkness. Course, neither of them would even be aware of the joke. Naming Jack for a cat. A cat he’d once owned, of course, but he wasn’t going to go near that one.
“University of St Oscar’s.” Rose was leaning closer, still not touching him, and reading what was on his screen. “Planet: Dellah. Where’s that?”
“Long way from here.” He added the university’s insignia again. “Far enough that the officials at the archive might just have heard of it but they won’t know anything about the university.”
“Does St Oscar’s even exist?”
“Oh, yeah.” He gave a tight smile. “Been there.” A couple of times, in fact. He was tempted to tell her about the most recent time right now. Him and Benny, in his eighth life. Let her be the one to be jealous, for once.
But that would just be being childish. And he’d done enough of that lately as it was.
“Oh.”
That was a distinct lack of interest from Rose, who normally showed so much interest in everything. He glanced sharply at her. She was playing with the hem of her shirt. And there was something in her expression... as if she were unhappy about something but desperately trying to hide it.
“So, what’s up?” He hadn’t wanted to ask; really didn’t want to know. It was pretty obvious what the problem was. “Had a fight with the boyfriend?”
“He’s not my boyfriend.” The denial was instantaneous, and with more than a hint of anger.
No? Well, she’d been giving a damn good impression of it earlier! He gritted his teeth and turned back to his screen.
Rose just watched him in silence for a couple of minutes. And then, slowly, with evident nervousness - nervous? Of him? - she said, “Last time I did something really stupid, Doctor, I... said I was sorry. An’ you forgave me.”
Oh, how well he remembered that. Saving her dad. Almost ending the world. Of course he’d forgiven her. After all, it’d been as much his fault as hers. Probably more; after all, he was the Time Lord. He was the one who knew everything that could go wrong - everything that was likely to go wrong, knowing human nature, knowing Rose Tyler. She’d not had a clue. Of course he’d forgiven her.
He shot her a more lingering glance. She was chewing her lip. “Yeah,” he said, all sarcasm gone. “I remember.”
“If I... well, if I’d done something stupid again an’ I said I was sorry, would you forgive me again?”
He paused in the act of typing ‘Research assistant’ underneath Jack’s name. What had she done this time?
Oh, hell. She’d gone and got herself knocked up, hadn’t she? And now she wanted him to say it was all right. That he didn’t mind. Or that he’d make it all right for her.
No, that was stupid. Even if Harkness was the fast worker he seemed, she’d never know this soon...
He sighed. “What’ve you done?”
The anxious expression was still on her face. “Rose.” He stopped his work and turned to look at her. “Whatever it is, it can’t be that bad. Tell me.”
He heard her take a deep breath. “Was really stupid... This morning, in the kitchen. It didn’t mean anything, you know.”
Right. Now what was she trying to do? Play one of them off against the other or something?
“Didn’t look like nothing,” he said, looking away again.
“Was me bein’ stupid.” She turned away from him. “I did it deliberately. Flirted with him. I...” She broke off and chewed her lip again. “Was tryin’ to make you...”
Jealous. He could fill in the last word himself.
And it had worked, too. Though he wasn’t going to tell her that.
“Why are you telling me this now?” It didn’t make sense - giving up an advantage she so clearly had.
“Cause it was stupid, like I said. Wasn’t fair to use Jack like that, an’ it wasn’t fair to you. ‘Sides, you’ve made it clear you’re not interested.”
Yeah, like hell he wasn’t interested. Though he needed her to think so. Except that, as he looked at her again, he could see she was hurt. The least he could do was explain a little. “It’s more that it’s not a good idea, Rose.”
“Oh.”
The hurt in her voice registered, too. He studied her for a moment, then held out his arms. “C’mere.” She came, nestling against him as if she’d needed his comfort. And he needed hers - too much for his own sanity.
He remembered what she’d said. “If you want me to tell you you’re forgiven, then course you are. Just don’t do it again, okay?”
He felt a little shudder run through her. “I won’t.”
Stupid of him to feel glad. “I thought you liked Jack.”
“I did - do,” she protested, but without the enthusiasm he’d have expected. A thought occurred to him. Harkness wasn’t an idiot. Was it possible that he’d resented being used and had said so?
She was still his. Even if it was unfair of him to feel glad about it, and selfish of him to expect her to be faithful to a bloke who was determined never to give her what she wanted from him.
But that didn’t stop him from dropping a kiss on her forehead, nor from smiling warmly back at her when she raised her head and smiled tentatively at him.
*******
It was good to be in his arms again; to be his friend again, even if he persisted in ruling out more for them.
No matter how much it hurt to admit it, Jack was right. She’d been stupid, pursuing a strategy that had been destined to fail and to tear apart everything she loved in the process. He’d made her face it. And she was glad she’d found the courage to talk to the Doctor and tell him she was sorry. No secrets. No deception.
They were okay. And, if the Doctor was determined that this was all they could have, she’d just have to learn to live with it. To accept it and be happy with it and with him. Love came in many forms, after all, and one thing she had no doubt whatsoever about was that he loved her.
Course, she’d find it hard to be with Jack for a while. Things would be awkward. He hadn’t pulled his punches, and he’d said and done some things that made her feel... humiliated.
All in all, it was probably just as well that once they’d got his memories back he’d be leaving to get on with his life.
*******
tbc
x-posted to
better_with_3