Yes Im still alive
I just saw that "Post an Entry" button and it said last entry 5 wks ago. Wow thats sad! I went from someone who journaled 4-5 times a week to nothing in 6 months.
I wish I knew what to say, to do , to feel to make it all different but the truth is ...its not. I am living and breathing and getting on with life but its not really the life I want. I make changes and I hope that eventually I will have what I want but I know the life I want is a long hard struggle away and even if I accomplish everything that *I* can do, there are some things that are just beyond my control.
Being out of work scares me. Going back to school SCARES me. Ive really plummeted in the self esteem area lately. I can sit here and say.....well I feel ok, and I do get up every morning and take care of my life and my kids and do things but everything seems so lonely.
I hunger to have another adult be part of my life. There are only so many conversations you can have with 12 yr olds without having to explain the meaning of the words you are using. As for romance, Ive pretty much shelved that part of my life. Its there, but its nothing like I hade hoped it would be, nothing like I said I would have once I seperated. Its true, the grass isnt always greener on the other side. Im not saying that I would change my decision to leave my marriage in any way, I guess im just a little disappointed in whats out there now! There are lots of selfish jaded people who DONT want relationships and here I sit just wanted to be wanted.
I wish I knew what to say, to do , to feel to make it all different but the truth is ...its not. I am living and breathing and getting on with life but its not really the life I want. I make changes and I hope that eventually I will have what I want but I know the life I want is a long hard struggle away and even if I accomplish everything that *I* can do, there are some things that are just beyond my control.
Being out of work scares me. Going back to school SCARES me. Ive really plummeted in the self esteem area lately. I can sit here and say.....well I feel ok, and I do get up every morning and take care of my life and my kids and do things but everything seems so lonely.
I hunger to have another adult be part of my life. There are only so many conversations you can have with 12 yr olds without having to explain the meaning of the words you are using. As for romance, Ive pretty much shelved that part of my life. Its there, but its nothing like I hade hoped it would be, nothing like I said I would have once I seperated. Its true, the grass isnt always greener on the other side. Im not saying that I would change my decision to leave my marriage in any way, I guess im just a little disappointed in whats out there now! There are lots of selfish jaded people who DONT want relationships and here I sit just wanted to be wanted.