(no subject)
This morning about 5am I was jolted awake. I dont know if it was because of a noise or a dream. It really didnt matter why I just knew now it the quiet of the impending morning I was awake. For me that means rarely falling back asleep as I have not been able to do that in years.
As I lay in bed in the morning with a fresh rested brain I tend to think about life and become reflective of my attitude, actions and consequences of those actions.
The one thing that came to mind was my journaling here. I have always had a journal. I was an old school journaler still using a pen and paper. My thoughts were often scattered and my sentences were never grammatically correct but it was me ....the real me, thoughts tumbling onto the paper never really having any meaning except to me. It was a way for me to clear my brain, and remove the poison in some of my thoughts.
It has helped me deal with a great many feelings over the years.
In December, I decided to take a new approach and do online journaling so I googled (gotta love Google!) and the first thing that came up was LJ. I decided to join. I came here apprehensive. I think mostly I wondered would I make my journal public or not. I decided to go out on a limb and do that. Not so much because I wanted others to know my life. Trust me its not that great! But because in some weird way I thought it might give me a feeling like I could better rid myself of things in my life that seem to hold me back. I did find a great many supportive online friends thru the few groups I have joined. Ive also come "screen to screen" with people who for some reason have tried to spew negativity on me. Thanks but I ve got enough of my own!!!
This morning I realized one thing. My journal here is not the journal I want. In my effort to fit into the LJ world I changed the way I journal. I became more obsessed with having a story line. I worried what others would think of what I wrote. I tried sometimes to write as if I was writing a paper for school. I cant do that anymore....
So if my writing upsets you or seems negative some days or whatever I apologize but this journal needs to be about me and Im not always happy. IM not always on track and Im not going to worry about who I offend. This is my journal, my heart, my feelings, my life. I write because it frees me. I write to get over the hurt. I write when Im happy and when Im sad. I write about the loves in my life whether they are for one hour or for years. I write about my kids. I write about my friends. I write about wanting to be thin. If I didnt write all these thoughts would consume me and I would never be able to move. This is therapy for me. I dont expect anyone to respond but if you do I will surely acknowledge because in the end its all just words but those words good or bad have had such a powerful affect on me that CHOOSE to respond back.
As I lay in bed in the morning with a fresh rested brain I tend to think about life and become reflective of my attitude, actions and consequences of those actions.
The one thing that came to mind was my journaling here. I have always had a journal. I was an old school journaler still using a pen and paper. My thoughts were often scattered and my sentences were never grammatically correct but it was me ....the real me, thoughts tumbling onto the paper never really having any meaning except to me. It was a way for me to clear my brain, and remove the poison in some of my thoughts.
It has helped me deal with a great many feelings over the years.
In December, I decided to take a new approach and do online journaling so I googled (gotta love Google!) and the first thing that came up was LJ. I decided to join. I came here apprehensive. I think mostly I wondered would I make my journal public or not. I decided to go out on a limb and do that. Not so much because I wanted others to know my life. Trust me its not that great! But because in some weird way I thought it might give me a feeling like I could better rid myself of things in my life that seem to hold me back. I did find a great many supportive online friends thru the few groups I have joined. Ive also come "screen to screen" with people who for some reason have tried to spew negativity on me. Thanks but I ve got enough of my own!!!
This morning I realized one thing. My journal here is not the journal I want. In my effort to fit into the LJ world I changed the way I journal. I became more obsessed with having a story line. I worried what others would think of what I wrote. I tried sometimes to write as if I was writing a paper for school. I cant do that anymore....
So if my writing upsets you or seems negative some days or whatever I apologize but this journal needs to be about me and Im not always happy. IM not always on track and Im not going to worry about who I offend. This is my journal, my heart, my feelings, my life. I write because it frees me. I write to get over the hurt. I write when Im happy and when Im sad. I write about the loves in my life whether they are for one hour or for years. I write about my kids. I write about my friends. I write about wanting to be thin. If I didnt write all these thoughts would consume me and I would never be able to move. This is therapy for me. I dont expect anyone to respond but if you do I will surely acknowledge because in the end its all just words but those words good or bad have had such a powerful affect on me that CHOOSE to respond back.