therapy
Tonight, I'm telling myself I will try my best to do the same things this summer break, but come out of it different.
Two years of law school down pat, and above all I think I wish I won't just graduate having non-law passion and non-law interests squeeeezed out of me. And hopefully I would have developed some passion in some area of law. Going into practice as a mediocre and disgruntled lawyer is truly a scary thought.
Sometimes I don't know if I'm even entitled to such fears because really, I picked law! I picked the practical option, so why am I making a big fuss out of the run-of-the-mill professional life? And no, I can't even use the "oh law school made me disillusioned" excuse because I didn't go into law bright-eyed bushy-tailed. I liked how it would be a fresh slate, and I liked the idea of learning up a professional skill.
Okay before I sound like I detest school, I don't. I've met friends I'm crazily grateful for, friends I can struggle through each semester with, who help me unconditionally, who don't judge me even though the last thing you expect in law school is a non-judgmental person, friends whom I can have our own sedentary brand of fun with. But the whole environment is just incredibly stifling, and it's sad how no matter how interesting something we're learning is, in the end it boils down to who's exam-smart. I think I've become too end-orientated, and it's really becoming tough to (try and) love the law. I REALLY WANT TO BE ABLE TO LOVE THE LAW I REALLY DO.
I really really hope after this summer break I'd have figured something out.
*
I think a few years back, I thought i was a crossroads of sorts. Now, I feel like hugging the old me and telling her that life never stops throwing you choices that you've to make.
I think I've made more than a few poor choices, but I think I've improved from a few years back. And if I apply the litmus test (oh my gosh this is starting to sound like an answer to a hypothetical) - yes I think I would have done everything the same way again. That makes me feel more at peace with my decisions, though I recognise that SOMETHING HAS TO CHANGE so that I can break out of this cycle / not just encircling a bigger circumference around the same centre. I really hope the choices I make the next time will be good, enduring ones.
It's funny because everytime I make a 'big' decision, I honestly think I'd have given it enough thought, done enough weighing. Spontaneously I think what's been missing in the equation really are patience and prayer. I ask but don't listen, fret but not wait. REALLY NEED TO CHANGE THIS.
*
I shall record my thoughts more often because my numbskull needs reminders and I think a part of me will only listen to what I have to say to myself
Two years of law school down pat, and above all I think I wish I won't just graduate having non-law passion and non-law interests squeeeezed out of me. And hopefully I would have developed some passion in some area of law. Going into practice as a mediocre and disgruntled lawyer is truly a scary thought.
Sometimes I don't know if I'm even entitled to such fears because really, I picked law! I picked the practical option, so why am I making a big fuss out of the run-of-the-mill professional life? And no, I can't even use the "oh law school made me disillusioned" excuse because I didn't go into law bright-eyed bushy-tailed. I liked how it would be a fresh slate, and I liked the idea of learning up a professional skill.
Okay before I sound like I detest school, I don't. I've met friends I'm crazily grateful for, friends I can struggle through each semester with, who help me unconditionally, who don't judge me even though the last thing you expect in law school is a non-judgmental person, friends whom I can have our own sedentary brand of fun with. But the whole environment is just incredibly stifling, and it's sad how no matter how interesting something we're learning is, in the end it boils down to who's exam-smart. I think I've become too end-orientated, and it's really becoming tough to (try and) love the law. I REALLY WANT TO BE ABLE TO LOVE THE LAW I REALLY DO.
I really really hope after this summer break I'd have figured something out.
*
I think a few years back, I thought i was a crossroads of sorts. Now, I feel like hugging the old me and telling her that life never stops throwing you choices that you've to make.
I think I've made more than a few poor choices, but I think I've improved from a few years back. And if I apply the litmus test (oh my gosh this is starting to sound like an answer to a hypothetical) - yes I think I would have done everything the same way again. That makes me feel more at peace with my decisions, though I recognise that SOMETHING HAS TO CHANGE so that I can break out of this cycle / not just encircling a bigger circumference around the same centre. I really hope the choices I make the next time will be good, enduring ones.
It's funny because everytime I make a 'big' decision, I honestly think I'd have given it enough thought, done enough weighing. Spontaneously I think what's been missing in the equation really are patience and prayer. I ask but don't listen, fret but not wait. REALLY NEED TO CHANGE THIS.
*
I shall record my thoughts more often because my numbskull needs reminders and I think a part of me will only listen to what I have to say to myself