Pie
Pride was... liberating? I'm not sure if that's the word. Mainly, I wasn't exactly a part of the homoerotically charged bacchanalia as much as I was an awestruck bystander. I enjoyed marinating in the lively glow of the revelers, and until now, I was having difficulty placing why. Pride is the most cohesive celebratory movement of my generation. For four years I've shied away from pride festivities because although my sexual identity and orientation are matters I've long since agonized through, I'm only now beginning to really be able to understand and make sense of both in ways which I'm fully comfortable.
Perhaps I have done a good deal of growing this year. Just over halfway through my 22nd year and it's dawning on me and sticking that learning is an ongoing process. Zachary Quinto said something in a Star Trek interview that I liked. He is constantly exploring that notion of how to evolve in a responsible way and how to evolve in a respectful way. I think those are all things that we as a society, and certainly the world, could implement. Even if it is about Spock and his Vulcan and Human heritage, I think people who find themselves balancing dichotomy and trying to find their voice where the Venn diagram is supposed to meet often struggle in a way that could be best described as responsible evolution. Yes, it's applicable.
With Pride over I'm glad I'm safe. I drove drunk -- far, far, far too drunk -- and worried my best friend when I told her in jest because it was the easiest way for me to shrug it off. I'm glad she worries because it reminds me to worry about myself, also. Usually I'm the personification of poise and composure. Usually I am worried about everyone else. Where I picked that up is beyond me. Probably on loan from my stint as a customer service guru. I'm glad she worries because it reminds me that we're moving in together so we have to be all right not only for ourselves, but for each other. What I'm not worried about is that we'll be all right living together.
I had a minor freak out while showering earlier tonight. I noticed that I've been bumping into stationary objects. Is my spatial awareness deteriorating? Maybe I have a brain tumor. This wasn't a minor freak out. To be honest, I might have begun to cry if I hadn't been in my favorite place. I thought I might have a panic attack, but the stages of denial coursed through me with the aid of the shower's spray, and in a matter of 5 minutes I had come to terms with what actions I might have to take and what things I might have to say if I was told I was going to die. Celebrity deaths abound, the stale, heavy air's been creeping into everyone's thoughts. World events and the lingering string of catastrophes had already been creating a nasty film of discomfort, but, of course... if we can concentrate on something else... we will.
I did a little internet searching to self diagnose. Most of the people asking about bumping into things are between 20 and 25 years old, they don't get enough sleep, they drink a little too much, and I'm not letting any of those be reasons to not consult a real doctor.
Life has steadily been falling into place so I get paranoid. It kind of reminds me of classic tetris. I feel as if accomplishments and goal setting have been paying off or like I just got an l and I'm about to clear 4 rows of jeweled blocks when my screen gets jumbled.
I love working, but I am going to have to return to school at some point. Everything happens when it's supposed to, but as my plans stand I'm discovering that I'm interested in accessory design and information technology. Fame or security? Actually, no, I don't really want to be famous as an accessory designer. That would be great, but I mostly would love to create shoes that people love even if my following is small. As for information technology I'd want to become a librarian -- protector of free speech.
So here are things I want to do, some of them I have already set in motion, some I have just been thinking about, some I probably won't get around to for a few years:
- Study Accessory Design at FIT
- Study (or preferably take and online course in) Information Technology
- Start a lifestyle blog with weekly articles detailing Romanticism as a resurgent movement of 20xx/the 21st century.
- Save money to take a vacation.
- Become a responsible credit card user to build credit.
- Start a book club.
- Write a book with all the scraps of story ideas I have written down.
- Or maybe just write a book of short stories.
- Develop professionally.
- Develop an intimate sexual relationship with a stable adult.
- Figure out a way to exercise on my own terms whether that is jogging or yoga or whatever.
- Learn French.
- Be more environmentally conscious.
- Keep learning and growing and loving.
- Eat in and not out unless it's with good friends, who are going to bring their appetites and good conversation.
Basically, I am 35 years old. Also, I cut off a lot of my hair for a job I decided I didn't want, but I like my hair and a job I do want is hopefully about to be mine. Digits and all body parts crossed. Here's a badly cropped, shitty quality iPhone picture in my bathroom:
