And I miss you,even here, taking it all in.
Lets look back to winters filled with long walks to school, car rides that ended with kisses, stupid tv shows. I know it was all a pause in what the big picture was. I never wanted to resign my position from you. I gotta say I never wanted to fall in love with you. As I look back I wasn't quite sure as to what I wanted to feel about you. I always sat sideways facing you always wondering but always knowing you thought I was cute. Kangaroo shoes and corderoy pants were in my style (still are). I decided I wanted you. As always I got what I wanted. you. I now know that things weren't as perfect as I thought they were. I probably shouldn't have been as happy as I was. That was then. This is now. You can't see past him. But yet, our nights feel like fairy tales. Lines that come out of movies scripts turn into movie kisses. I gotta say I don't mind a bit. I used to hurt but somehow I overcame that. Now it feels more of I'm going through the motions. More of, I fall back in love with you for one night with some pieces left over for the morning after. I see you do the sweetest things. I walk through your house unscaved, alone and your arms wrap around me as if I'm the only thing left to grab before falling off the earth. It feels good. I sit in your kitchen and you give me the impression your calling your voicemail for a much awaited message from "him",bummed, you come back and later I find out it was you calling my voicemail and leaving a message for "me" saying "I miss you". It feels good cause this was completely unprovoked. Why though? I know I get the "you might not believe it, but I do actually care about you", this may be true but is it actually that much? My Thursday nights consist of me waiting for your arrival as we have made it a routine for you to stop by. My chest is your pillow and my sheets are our sea for an hour. It feels good. But why? You don't want to get over him. You can't. It's not hard to see. Trust me, its been hard to stop thinking about you, but I have. I really don't know if you care about me to continue showing what you feel. I really don't know if I need to continue my recluse waiting behavior. Its taken a toll in the past but it feels normal now. To be honest, being with you is questionable. Knowing I'm second best isn't the best of feelings. Then again, I comprimise quite a bit with my feelings. After all, I did tell you that I was going to stop talking to you. You were always so pure and when I'm not with you it feels like I don't want what's not been mine in between.