I asked for crack, so I give you crack...
Right, I wrote this for
sizzleleg in which she asked for a Pirates of the Caribbean/House crossover fic....
Rating: Gen
Word Count: 695
AN: It's crack, not to be taken seriously.
However, just for prosterity's sake, I'd like to note that it wasn't unusual to have two surgeons on a ship.
Um...Can't think of a title yet.
“Oi! I wanna word with you!” Captain Jack Sparrow stormed into the hull to confront the ship’s surgeon, Peg Leg Greg, who didn’t even look up as he replied, “What’s wrong? Got cursed again?”
“Yeah!” Sparrow strode to the table, leaning over to look Peg Leg straight in the face, “Cursed by a sneaky, lying, cheating trickster for a surgeon. That’s what I’m cursed by.”
The guilty party didn’t even look guilty, he just leant back and put his wooden leg up on the desk. It landed with a hollow thump and it was Sparrow who glanced away.
Peg Leg took the opportunity to take a quick sip from a bottle, but not quick enough as Jack snarled in anger, “You!” he pointed vaguely, “You told me I was allergic to rum.” His lip quivered slightly.
The surgeon merely shrugged, “So? You are.”
Sparrow jumped up and down, with his arms wrapped around his head. “NO. I. AM. NOT.” He spat out in between each jump.
He took a deep breath, “Rob the Cabin Boy just told me that you painted that rash on my face after I’d…erm, fallen asleep after a gruelling day’s Captaining.”
Peg Leg threw his arms in the air, “That lousy snitch,” he mumbled under his breath, before speaking to the Captain, “You drank rum. You fell asleep. You awoke with a pox on your face. Ergo, you should not drink rum.”
“Oh and you should? “ Sparrow snatched the bottle off the table. He took a swig then shivered, winced and eventually smiled. “That’s better.” he said as he sat on the barrel on his side of the table. “Now, I’m gonna tell you what we’re gonna do. Or to be more precise, what you…“ he jabbed another finger towards the surgeon’s face, narrowly missing his eye as the ship surged over a large wave.
“Oops, sorry ‘bout that. Anyway! What we’re going to do is turn the Pearl around, go back to Port au Prince where YOU are not only going to get me more rum, talking of which…” he took another swig from the bottle before continuing, “And after you ‘obtain’ the rum, you’re gonna persuade your friend Crabman Jim, to leave the Golden Shark and join us here on the Black Pearl.”
Peg Leg Greg slammed his peg leg on the floor and stood up, “You can’t replace me. You owe me your life.”
Sparrow just took another slug of rum and vaguely waved his free arm around, “And you owe me yours.”
“You cut off my leg!” Peg Leg ranted, eyes blazing!
Sparrow blinked and looked crestfallen, before quickly replying, “I saved your life! Here drink that.” He offered the bottle over to the surgeon who drank greedily as Sparrow continued speaking, “I’m not replacing you - no one else would put up with you. How many ships have you been chucked off?”
Peg Leg looked down, “Five.” He quietly said.
Sparrow laughed, “And how many were you chucked off whilst you were in the middle of the ocean?”
Taking another gulp, Peg Leg just grumbled “Five.”
Jack Sparrow stood up and waited a few seconds to accommodate himself to the rocking of the boat. Eventually he took the few steps to stand next to the surgeon. He put a comforting hand on his shoulder, “Of course I’m keeping you aboard. If we go somewhere with an ‘orrible contagious disease, like that time in Bermuda, I’ll need two surgeons to rub the lard salve on the men. With you and Crabman Jim on the Black Pearl, we’ll have the fittest crew this side of the Lonely Isles!”
He gave the surgeon’s shoulder a hearty squeeze before picking up the bottle and staggering out.
Making sure Sparrow had gone, Peg Leg Greg waited a while before sitting down, putting his leg back up on the table and reaching down into his Surgeon’s Chest where he kept his secret supply of the Captain’s Rum.
He had his grog, his best mate would soon be on board, and he had the Captain of best boat in the Caribbean wrapped around his little finger.
A pirates life was definitely for him!