Pets, life and love
I took my 12-year old pet rabbit Snickers in to the vet's office this morning to have him put to sleep. He still had a strong appetite and was otherwise healthy, but his legs had stopped working properly. This was a problem that had begun to manifest about 2 weeks ago and had become progressively worse. He could no longer move around or hold himself up without falling over.
His girlfriend, Madeline, was put to sleep in March 2013. I had taken her in to the vet's office thinking that maybe she had some sort of digestion problem and would get some simple meds to fix her up. It turned out that she suddenly lost her ability to see, possibly due to tumors on her brain. She had gone completely blind. There was no fix. The doctor recommended that I put her down. It was sudden and traumatic. The event stirred a demon of fear within me.
A few weeks later, thriftyshirt told me a story about how he had a pet dog from the time he was a very young child up until he was a teenager, and the dog had suddenly been struck by a car. Aaron's family pulled him from a basketball practice to go to the vet's office so that they could be with the dog before it was put to sleep. He told me that in that moment, he was so upset that he couldn't stand to see the dog. His family went in the room to be with his pet while he waited outside.
Of course, he later regretted that he was unable to be there for his beloved pet in its last moments.
I understand this feeling of being overwhelmed, paralyzed by sadness. When Madeline needed to be suddenly put down, I was an emotional mess. The doctor basically kicked me out and told me that he would handle it, and that it would be best if I wasn't there.
Aaron went on to describe the life and death cycle of a pet as all being "part of the deal", and how when you make the decision to adopt an animal, you commit to handling its eventual death. He explained the difference: when an animal dies in the wild, it's often scary, alone, and the ending usually comes violently. When you care for a pet for its entire life, and its time is finally up, you can show it love by giving it a kind and merciful release in a safe, warm, and organized way.
Hearing Aaron explain things helped me to deal with Madeline's passing at the time, but it also helped me to mentally and emotionally prepare myself, as best I can, for the eventual day when Snickers' time would come.
I saw the state that he was in yesterday morning and I knew that the merciful decision to schedule his departure from this life was the right one. It was not an easy decision. A decision like that is never easy when you're making it for someone you love. I have felt a profound sense of loss, heartbreak, and finally a great relief that this pet that I love with all my heart will no longer have to suffer. In his 12 years on this earth, Snickers brought so much joy into my life. Now he can finally rest.
Last night, greylantern came over with Jude to say goodbye, and Andi helped me and portablepassion give Snickers a bath. Snickers' inability to pick himself up also meant that he could no longer groom himself. Despite his initial protest at getting wet, he was much more clean and comfortable after we fixed him up. I spent a lot of time last night just sitting with him, feeding him by hand, cuddling with him, and basically saying my goodbyes.
Tara drove me to the vet's around noon today and we stayed with him and laid our hands on him as he passed. It was sad, peaceful, merciful, kind. I'm glad I could be there to tuck him in. I will miss him every day.
I want to thank Tara so much for everything that she's done to help me out through this whole process. She has given me so much comfort and lifted my spirits when I did not think such a thing were possible. Her love goes beyond my ability to describe with mere words and I am grateful for her every single day.
I also want to thank Andi for being the bunny mom for all those years, and for adopting Snickers with me back in 2006. I also want to thank her for coming by last night to say goodbye.
Also, thank you to everyone for your kind words and thoughts. They mean so much to me.