Pulling the support right now.
Hi, not many people read this and it's fine, I kinda wanna share this insight with whoever is interested in reading it. It's kinda personal tho, so if you don't wanna read it i suggest turning away from your screen, and then pull the power cable from your computer and don't worry it will all be over!!!
Here is my insight, brought on of course, by someone else's insight, duh a movie. First it's wierd how things intended to evoke certain emotions can evoke completely different ones, and bring insight into someones mind.
I was watching this movie and it had the most amazing music, and it reminded me of being in grade 12 and Really discovering the music I loved that just made me feel, reminded me of falling in love for the first time, And reminded me of who I was then, vs who I've become now.
3 Years ago if I were to predict where I would be today it would be much different. I would be graduated acting school, I would be Trying to get work in edmonton and hopefully living somewhere with the person I love.
Unfortunately none of that really happened. I would have never guessed I would have been here. I would have never thought in my life that I would have had the balls and the stupidity in me to attempt to kill myself. It's stupid. I knew that then, and I know that now. I hate being that guy, SO fucking much, I don't want to be this person people feel sorry for, or hate for making the biggest mistake of my life.
Me Trying to kill myself was the greatest mistake I have ever made in my life, and I don't think some people can ever Forgive me for it. Or can look at me the same way.
I've spent over a YEAR trying to get back to be the person I was and at every turn, judgment, pain, regret and sadness. It's been an extremely hard long road that has seemed very much like trying to climb out of the pits of hell.
When alex left me a part of me died. and Another part of me couldn't accept it at all. I didn't believe that this could actually be happening. Besides my parents getting divorced it was the most painful thing to have ever happened to me in my life. And I didn't know how to deal. To that point my life was near perfect. I was living with my friends who I loved, we would hang out and play video games, I was excelling at school Acting and Singing doing what I loved, and throughout it, I had the love of a beautiful girl, who I loved more than she may ever really know.
I'm not saying I'm perfect. I wasn't perfect to her, and I was very much lost in me at this time. My life was centered around myself, I was too busy, I was too tired, I was Succeding, I was happy.
It's a feeling now which seems almost fleeting, like I can never imagine having ever felt so good. When I don't feel like this life I live now is a nightmare, I feel like that was a dream.
I was probably the luckiest person in the world. And I didn't truly appreciate all the love and blessings I had in my life.
I miss alex for a lot of reasons. Most of all I miss the way that when we talked I felt more myself with her than I ever did with anyone else. I don't know how but she truly brought out who I am when I was alone with just her, and I felt so comfortable there feeling like I could lie beside her forever.
See and now when I type this, it feels more like a dream than a reality which I used to have.
When that all ended a part of me collapsed from the inside. It's like a Foundation of a building was pulled out from beneath it, and the walls came crumbling down on it. And I had to work long and hard to build myself back up from that, with no blue prints, and now I feel like a completely different building.
if you get my metaphor/analogy.
I fell apart long before I ever hurt myself, I just didn't know how to build myself back up, I was hoping for someone else to do it for me. and when that never happened, i just stayed low, until eventually I did the stupidest thing of my life.
And all the people around me who I had built up with love and affection and care, all of the people I held most dear to me the ones who were affected by it, a piece of their buildings fell down then too. Maybe not the whole thing, but The floor labeled "How I think/feel about Tim" Sure did.
Some people like me more, some people care more about me. Other people like my old Musical director from westwood hate me. and others think i'm selfish and stupid.
I was all those things, very selfish and very stupid.
It was the dumbest most fucked up stupid selfish thing I've done in my life, and I don't know a god-damned way to make it better.
I love music. I keep hearing new songs and I want to share them. With someone who will hear them the way I hear them. Or even hate my music, but not want to hurt my feelings by saying it...
I have a lot of love in my heart,
I've made gigantic huge mistakes
Mistakes I can't take back.
I've hurt people I can't unhurt.
But I love you all, in more ways than 1.
And I pray for you to open your hearts to me again and for your forgivenes.
I love you all in more ways than 1.
You are the people that make me want to be the best Tim I can be.
especially better than that tim allen fag
Here is my insight, brought on of course, by someone else's insight, duh a movie. First it's wierd how things intended to evoke certain emotions can evoke completely different ones, and bring insight into someones mind.
I was watching this movie and it had the most amazing music, and it reminded me of being in grade 12 and Really discovering the music I loved that just made me feel, reminded me of falling in love for the first time, And reminded me of who I was then, vs who I've become now.
3 Years ago if I were to predict where I would be today it would be much different. I would be graduated acting school, I would be Trying to get work in edmonton and hopefully living somewhere with the person I love.
Unfortunately none of that really happened. I would have never guessed I would have been here. I would have never thought in my life that I would have had the balls and the stupidity in me to attempt to kill myself. It's stupid. I knew that then, and I know that now. I hate being that guy, SO fucking much, I don't want to be this person people feel sorry for, or hate for making the biggest mistake of my life.
Me Trying to kill myself was the greatest mistake I have ever made in my life, and I don't think some people can ever Forgive me for it. Or can look at me the same way.
I've spent over a YEAR trying to get back to be the person I was and at every turn, judgment, pain, regret and sadness. It's been an extremely hard long road that has seemed very much like trying to climb out of the pits of hell.
When alex left me a part of me died. and Another part of me couldn't accept it at all. I didn't believe that this could actually be happening. Besides my parents getting divorced it was the most painful thing to have ever happened to me in my life. And I didn't know how to deal. To that point my life was near perfect. I was living with my friends who I loved, we would hang out and play video games, I was excelling at school Acting and Singing doing what I loved, and throughout it, I had the love of a beautiful girl, who I loved more than she may ever really know.
I'm not saying I'm perfect. I wasn't perfect to her, and I was very much lost in me at this time. My life was centered around myself, I was too busy, I was too tired, I was Succeding, I was happy.
It's a feeling now which seems almost fleeting, like I can never imagine having ever felt so good. When I don't feel like this life I live now is a nightmare, I feel like that was a dream.
I was probably the luckiest person in the world. And I didn't truly appreciate all the love and blessings I had in my life.
I miss alex for a lot of reasons. Most of all I miss the way that when we talked I felt more myself with her than I ever did with anyone else. I don't know how but she truly brought out who I am when I was alone with just her, and I felt so comfortable there feeling like I could lie beside her forever.
See and now when I type this, it feels more like a dream than a reality which I used to have.
When that all ended a part of me collapsed from the inside. It's like a Foundation of a building was pulled out from beneath it, and the walls came crumbling down on it. And I had to work long and hard to build myself back up from that, with no blue prints, and now I feel like a completely different building.
if you get my metaphor/analogy.
I fell apart long before I ever hurt myself, I just didn't know how to build myself back up, I was hoping for someone else to do it for me. and when that never happened, i just stayed low, until eventually I did the stupidest thing of my life.
And all the people around me who I had built up with love and affection and care, all of the people I held most dear to me the ones who were affected by it, a piece of their buildings fell down then too. Maybe not the whole thing, but The floor labeled "How I think/feel about Tim" Sure did.
Some people like me more, some people care more about me. Other people like my old Musical director from westwood hate me. and others think i'm selfish and stupid.
I was all those things, very selfish and very stupid.
It was the dumbest most fucked up stupid selfish thing I've done in my life, and I don't know a god-damned way to make it better.
I love music. I keep hearing new songs and I want to share them. With someone who will hear them the way I hear them. Or even hate my music, but not want to hurt my feelings by saying it...
I have a lot of love in my heart,
I've made gigantic huge mistakes
Mistakes I can't take back.
I've hurt people I can't unhurt.
But I love you all, in more ways than 1.
And I pray for you to open your hearts to me again and for your forgivenes.
I love you all in more ways than 1.
You are the people that make me want to be the best Tim I can be.
especially better than that tim allen fag