Don't pay attention, it's just me bitching again....more to myself than anyone else
You know what i just realized? I'm not as amazing as i thought i was. Ya, it's true...i am a fucking self-absorbed kid with a ginormous ego who only cares about himself. To think i wasn't was just pure folly. No one in the long run will remember me, no one who doesn't know me now cares, nor should they, and just cuz i look at myself and think i look hot doesn't mean others will, so i should just stop trying to make people's heads turn, since it doesn't seem to work anyway. The only way i make others do a double take is when i wear something that is odd, strange, queer. I'm a fucking fag and i act like one, or at least the stereotypical ones who are so self-centered that they don't see what is going on around them. Maybe i should just become a wallflower again. Although they weren't the happiest, at least i could look at everyone and myself without looking stupid and whorrish. Cuz that's what i've become: a whore, slut, cunt, prostitute, whatever. The one thing i didn't want to be when i WAS a wallflower...the ditz in the corner who totally ignored everyone. That's what i'm doing now....i see that much, at least. I walk around people with an air of "you can't touch this" Ha. Ha. who the fuck am i kidding? most wouldn't care to and those who would are put off by my stupid airs. I try to be cool, sometimes i succeed....but it's all just an act. I look, sometimes, like i have no cares, have myself figured out pretty well, when all i am is a confused, ugly, soggy, puppy with a broken smile that when you look at you wanna cry because it looks so mutilated. speaking of mutilating:
mom: are you depressed?
me: no, but if i was, do you think i would tell you?
mom: well, i don't know, would you?
me: i don't know
That seems to be the answer i give to everything now...i don't know. But how does that little conversation have to do with mutilation? well, it deals with suicide, which i think is a form of mutilation...but who cares what i think. My mom just asked me if i was one of those kids who would commit suicide and she would have to regret for the rest of her life that she hadn't pryed further into my life. Maybe i should do that just to answer he question.
My request to not make physical contact infront of my parents was presented because i just told my mom i didn't want her to make physical contact with me anymore. Cuz i made me feel uncomfortable...i don't know why, it just does....she's jealous of all of you, you know, because you know her son better than she does, you get to touch her son when she doesn't. But why should i care if she sees us hugging or something? hell, hug me, i'm only thinking of myself anyway...after all, i asked you not to cuz i didn't want her to bitch again.
She's threatening to send me back to McQ if i don't become more cheerful, get all my work done, and make sure that this schedule and pressure is ok for me within this month. I don't want to go back to mcq, where the largest majority are immature. Although, i would be just like them, since we all only care about ourselves.
They say when life gives you lemons, make lemonade....i say, when life throws a lemon at you, don't bother trying to catch it, cuz you'll still get the juice all over you. Pucker up, bitches, it only gets better....
*sigh* i wish i wasn't living in this house anymore, i wish i had a husband/boyfriend living with me, i wish my boyfriend could see me more often, i wish i had a perfect body, i wish my boyfriend could show up at my house when i wasn't feeling good with a bunch of flowers and sit and cry with me until all my tears were gone, i wish i had more money, a job, a car, a life, I wish wishes came true like you are led to believe when you're little, I wish this list of wishes wasn't so damn self centered.
I wish i could throw this life away, and start all over again....sorta a living reincarnation, i guess. I would do it if i wasn't so afraid of losing somethings, certain friends, objects......i wish, oh how i wish....but if wishes were horses, then beggars would ride....
I'm too scared to kill myself, i'm too brave not to...so i'm stuck back at where i am....in a rut called life, where everyone who is my age is also lodged. I shake hands with thee.
I also found out today that everything i do is Satanic...or so says mother....
I think i will take a vacation...somewhere far away, away from everyone, and just sit there and figure myself out....somewhere where there are no distractions, nothing, just me....i'm going to my white room, my padded room, my cell....that is, after i build it.
mom: are you depressed?
me: no, but if i was, do you think i would tell you?
mom: well, i don't know, would you?
me: i don't know
That seems to be the answer i give to everything now...i don't know. But how does that little conversation have to do with mutilation? well, it deals with suicide, which i think is a form of mutilation...but who cares what i think. My mom just asked me if i was one of those kids who would commit suicide and she would have to regret for the rest of her life that she hadn't pryed further into my life. Maybe i should do that just to answer he question.
My request to not make physical contact infront of my parents was presented because i just told my mom i didn't want her to make physical contact with me anymore. Cuz i made me feel uncomfortable...i don't know why, it just does....she's jealous of all of you, you know, because you know her son better than she does, you get to touch her son when she doesn't. But why should i care if she sees us hugging or something? hell, hug me, i'm only thinking of myself anyway...after all, i asked you not to cuz i didn't want her to bitch again.
She's threatening to send me back to McQ if i don't become more cheerful, get all my work done, and make sure that this schedule and pressure is ok for me within this month. I don't want to go back to mcq, where the largest majority are immature. Although, i would be just like them, since we all only care about ourselves.
They say when life gives you lemons, make lemonade....i say, when life throws a lemon at you, don't bother trying to catch it, cuz you'll still get the juice all over you. Pucker up, bitches, it only gets better....
*sigh* i wish i wasn't living in this house anymore, i wish i had a husband/boyfriend living with me, i wish my boyfriend could see me more often, i wish i had a perfect body, i wish my boyfriend could show up at my house when i wasn't feeling good with a bunch of flowers and sit and cry with me until all my tears were gone, i wish i had more money, a job, a car, a life, I wish wishes came true like you are led to believe when you're little, I wish this list of wishes wasn't so damn self centered.
I wish i could throw this life away, and start all over again....sorta a living reincarnation, i guess. I would do it if i wasn't so afraid of losing somethings, certain friends, objects......i wish, oh how i wish....but if wishes were horses, then beggars would ride....
I'm too scared to kill myself, i'm too brave not to...so i'm stuck back at where i am....in a rut called life, where everyone who is my age is also lodged. I shake hands with thee.
I also found out today that everything i do is Satanic...or so says mother....
I think i will take a vacation...somewhere far away, away from everyone, and just sit there and figure myself out....somewhere where there are no distractions, nothing, just me....i'm going to my white room, my padded room, my cell....that is, after i build it.