Restless
I have a very sudden urge to move.
It's compulsive. I can't help but feel trapped sometimes.
I didn't have this problem when I was married, because even though we couldn't move at least I was getting something in return for that. In this situation I'm stuck here getting much less back.
If I had a car, there is a 90% chance that I would quit my job and move at the end of the month. I'd pack up all my shit and see where I could end up. I know that no matter where I go I can make it. I can find a job, and a place to live and survive. Asheville. Raleigh. Alexandria. Harrisburg.
People find this odd, and that truly baffles me. I find absolutely nothing odd about it. The world is a huge and amazing place, and I can't wrap my mind around the concept of spending your whole life living in one place. After 2 years in one area (if I even make it that long) I am BORED to a state of lethargy.
I know that if I wait till November then moving will by exponentially easier for me. I'll be able to keep my job and go to another location. That's only 7 months, what's the big deal, right? Waiting 7 months to do something you've already been waiting well over a year to do is unbearable.
And then there is Keegan. The last time I saw Keegan he got upset and ran away and didn't want to see me. Heidi told me last night that she has been trying to get him to come see me since then, but he says he doesn't want to, that he is scared of me. Which makes me distraught and very upset.
I love that kid so much.
When she first moved out, I thought it would be best if we just made a clean break of everything. But now, I don't if it's selfishness, or what, but I don't want to give up on that relationship. I suppose I also feel strengthened by the fact that Heidi really supports it too. I can tell that she isn't just paying lip service to it, but that she actually would like me to be involved in his life.
Which is why i feel so conflicted now, I want to move...but I don't. I hate this place, but I love him. I can't wait to get out of here, but I'm all set.
It's compulsive. I can't help but feel trapped sometimes.
I didn't have this problem when I was married, because even though we couldn't move at least I was getting something in return for that. In this situation I'm stuck here getting much less back.
If I had a car, there is a 90% chance that I would quit my job and move at the end of the month. I'd pack up all my shit and see where I could end up. I know that no matter where I go I can make it. I can find a job, and a place to live and survive. Asheville. Raleigh. Alexandria. Harrisburg.
People find this odd, and that truly baffles me. I find absolutely nothing odd about it. The world is a huge and amazing place, and I can't wrap my mind around the concept of spending your whole life living in one place. After 2 years in one area (if I even make it that long) I am BORED to a state of lethargy.
I know that if I wait till November then moving will by exponentially easier for me. I'll be able to keep my job and go to another location. That's only 7 months, what's the big deal, right? Waiting 7 months to do something you've already been waiting well over a year to do is unbearable.
And then there is Keegan. The last time I saw Keegan he got upset and ran away and didn't want to see me. Heidi told me last night that she has been trying to get him to come see me since then, but he says he doesn't want to, that he is scared of me. Which makes me distraught and very upset.
I love that kid so much.
When she first moved out, I thought it would be best if we just made a clean break of everything. But now, I don't if it's selfishness, or what, but I don't want to give up on that relationship. I suppose I also feel strengthened by the fact that Heidi really supports it too. I can tell that she isn't just paying lip service to it, but that she actually would like me to be involved in his life.
Which is why i feel so conflicted now, I want to move...but I don't. I hate this place, but I love him. I can't wait to get out of here, but I'm all set.