(no subject)
I am, frankly, attracted to guys who are submissive. It's the fascination I have with people who are shy, introverted, quiet, gentle, a bit terrified of life. Guys who have immensely active inner lives, but who stare wide-eyed and fearful of life outside themselves.
The first guy I was utterly in love with, in high school, was like that. Very quiet, very inward-turning. But in private (in bed), he was expansive and sweet and wonderful. I knew men like this in college, too: The shy, slightly giggly guy who turned out to be into kinky sex and who liked to spend his nights secretly exploring as many transgressive kinks as he could. The very quiet bookworm with mustache who turned out to have a 9-inch monster between his legs and a body like a porn star -- all of which he kept hidden under bulky, ill-fitting clothes. (He also suffered from priapism, a very painful condition he kept totally hidden from everyone. He would be in "Ugly" -- Odegaard Undergraduate Library -- studying, see some guy he liked, and...oh no, priapism! He'd be in intolerable pain for hours on end, but just quietly keep studying and trying to ignore the huge, throbbing erection between his legs.) Or the ultra-geeky, ultra-nerdy guy with stiff black hair and horn-rim glasses and skinny body and extremely obnoxious personality...but who had a wild, dense bush (his otherwise hairless body fooled you into thinking otherwise) and an 8.5-inch-long, 8-inch-in-diameter cut cock. He took out his frustrations on the world by fucking like a tiger in bed, trying to hurt his bottoms as he had been hurt and humiliated by jocks, pretty-boys, and aduls throughout his life. Sex with him was like having sex with a tornado and a sewer snake at the same time, an anime nightmare in which a powerful machine violates you horribly and brutally and yet brings your body to sexual heights you never dreamed possible.
It's why I like the porn star Ronny Silver (aka Adrian Komar, Jan Slavik, Jiri, Toby Garret, and Milan Vokoun). He rarely tops, but he is so amazing. He's quiet, he's shy, he's gentle, he's inhibited....unless you get him naked, and then he's probably the best bottom I've seen since Joey Stefano. He absolutely adores huge cock up his ass (he's the sole person I've seen capable of taking Cameron Jackson without pain; indeed, he urges Cameron to give it to him harder, deeper, rougher, more powerfully), is athletic (duh), and has a smile that lights up the sky. His cock is huge and uncut, he cums like a busted fire hose, and he has legs like a dancer. He also doesn't fool around with his body hair or pubes, preferring to be naturally male rather than pretend he's a pre-pubescent boy.
Why am I so attracted to bottoms with huge dicks? I wish I wasn't. I loved Johnny Rahm, the über-bottom with the wickedly curved 9-inch cock and slight body. I love Ronny Silver, with his huge Czech cock and muscular body and eyes and smile and furry, muscular legs. I love Kurt Wild, with his slim body and monster dick and ability to take even Barrett Long and not scream in pain but instead beg for more. I love Devin Moss, and his down-to-his-knee cock. But all these men are bottoms! Not interested in me, another size-queen bottom.
I often think about whether I am secretly being unfair to bottoms. I once believed that being a bottom meant you were automatically feminine, submissive, passive, stupid, lazy. I like submission; I get off on the idea that someone is enjoying doing something that they otherwise hate. It's the juxtaposition of someone being turned on by being forced to do something they loathe -- of a bottom with a huge cock being forced to fuck like the world's best top, and secretly liking it. Of a total top being bound, viciously whipped, and violated anally by a dildo, the pleasure of submission overcoming his disgust, distaste, and dread of being anally taken.
But am I unfair? Am I unconsciously reimposing my discriminatory stereotype of what it "means" to be a bottom on other bottoms? Or am I seeking control of someone, because my own sex life is so uncontrolled, so unfulfilling, so empty?
I hope not. Sometimes, though, I just don't know.
* * * * * * *
Take the photo above.
Three men are having sex on a couch. One is a top. The one in the middle is seemingly versatile, about to penetrate a bottom while about to also be penetrated by the top. One is a bottom.
Most people I've shown this image to think the two "tops" are the ones who are most attractive. They are the ones who smile, they are the ones who are "most masculine," they are the ones who are tops (frankly).
Me?
I am wildly attracted to the bottom. His crewcut, his eyes, his nose, his mouth, his face, his pecs, his legs, his cock, his tummy, his happy trail, his pubes, his balls, his legs, his nipples. Most of all his big penis, and his short height.
*sigh*
And he's a bottom, and short, and would be utterly uninterested me -- a size-queen bottom and a tall one to boot.
*sigh*
