The silence is deafening

[tiltedhalo619]

I never realized how deafening silence could be. I did this to myself. I cut myself off from the world for a guy...I'm so ashamed. I was raised to not take crap from anyone and here I was doing just that for 3.5 years. How did I let a man reduce me to this? When did I become such a loser? I used to have a lot of fun, hang out with friends, and just bascially enjoy life, but over the past couple of years I've been reduced to a wimpering lonely loser. The only good thing about this whole situation is that it may not be too late for me. I didn't manage to lose all of my friends...somehow...and I've said it before, but I'll say it again, thank God. I don't know what I would do right now if I didn't have them by my side. The sad part is that in a few weeks some of them will be scattering throughout the country and I may never see some of them again. But then again, that's pretty damn typical of me apparently, to lose touch with people. I guess this is my oppurtunity though to maybe not let that happen. There are at least two people who I couldn't stand to be away from forever, they know who they are. I've really appreciated their advice over the years, although, they made a conscious effort to let me make my own decisions and just supported me in whatever I did. I know they're glad now, in a way, for what has happened. El has never really made a good impression on my friends and for that matter he's never really made an effort to like any of my friends. Everyone has always said the same thing, "he's kinda disrespectufl towards you." He's a complete hypocrit. He comments on their faults, but then has friends just like them. He calls them dorks, losers, users, and makes no effort to try to see them for who they are. I guess that's how he treated me too. He has never really known me, not in the way that some of my friends have. He never understood my idiosycracies, the little things that make me tick. He always said I was beautiful, but according to a friend of mine, that's not what makes me cool (thanks Jim by the way). There are things in my life that have helped mold the person I am today. There are reasons for my sarcasm, my pessimism which arises from time to time, and then there is my humor and my ability to care. I have a strong sense of pride, and a humility at the same time. I realize I'm a complicated person, but some people have been able to figure me out, some too quickly if you ask me, so why couldn't he??

Oh well, time to see a friend...looks like burger nite tonite

Time to blow off some steam with alcohol...mmm beer