thinkage...a dangerous thing
Well...it's been a couple of hours since I last updated and yet again I'm left with nothing better to do as always.
So have you ever felt unwanted? I mean, like you know when you're with a group of people and you feel like they don't want you there but they're too polite to say anything or they're afraid they'll hurt your feelings, or maybe they don't say anything b/c they feel they have to hang out with you? No, no one?! Ok, well I've felt that a lot lately. Not with just one particular person, but with a few. And you know, it's obvious they don't want you around and you realize it, but you can't just get up and leave, so instead I try and think of some excuse of why I have to go. I mean, I don't want to make them feel uncomfortable or anything right?! Right...but I figure I'd rather feel uncomfortable then make someone else feel that way, and it's a lot easier too b/c they feel a sense of relief when you give them that lame ass excuse of why you have to get up and go b/c they didn't have to come up with their own excuse of why they're "busy" and don't have time or whatever. Yeah, I guess this is one of those subject matters that no one really cares about, so we'll move on.
I'm guessing the only people that will even attempt to read this journal are my friends, so I'm guessing it's safe to assume most of you know some bit of my life to know my mom can be a bit irrational sometimes. I know my brother is going to read this and think I'm talking bad about my mom, but I'm not. I'm just being honest here. Here's a major example. Well, I have to pay for my own college which is fine I guess b/c it teaches me responsiblility and to grow up b/c when I'm an adult I'm not going to have anyone there to help me out, so yeah. Well, I already have loans out in just my name, so until I establish more credit (which would be by like, buying a house, which will be in about 10 years) I can't get anymore out in just my name, therefore I need a co-signer. So my mom was my cosigner that took care of the rest of my tuition payment for this semester. I gave her the stuff to send in back at the end of November, blah blah blah. Well, I check my bursar bill a couple days ago and see it hasn't gone through. So obviously, I call my mom and asked her if she merely forgot to send it in or whatnot. Her reply was, "I realized you're the biggest ass to me, so I cancelled it." Ok, that's fine. I mean, whatever right. The thing is is that I should have been prepared for it considering she's done this every semester, i mean usually I have longer than a week to get another loan figured out or something though...b/ yeah. My mom doesn't want to be my cosigner anymore and ok, that's fine, but couldn't she have decided this or told me when she cancelled it a month ago? Or couldn't she have decided to stop cosigning for next year and just let me have this semester? It's not like the loans are in her name. I know I'm not the most perfect kid and according to my family I'm the most self-centered, arrogant, conceited, stuck-up bitch, asshole, and I think I'm better than everyone else and the world revolves around me, and that's fine that they think that, that's their opinion. And hey, maybe it's true, all I can say is that I'm not trying to be like that, so I'm sorry.
Anyways...I also just found out that one of my best friends grandma's just passed away and it's so sad. Her grandparents used to come into big Perkins and I also got to meet them by hanging around her family and they were great people. Her grandma was such an amazing person, she was funny and caring. And the worst part is, is how her grandpa is right now. I mean, they've been married for like 70 years and they never spent time apart except for when he was at the war. She was all he was living for. He was living each day, in hope to just merely be around her and talk to her. Just to see her smile and be happy. Now what? I just can't even imagine having the person you've been living your whole life for all of a sudden just dissappear from your life.
So supposedly according to a close friend of mine, I'm always in a bad mood no matter what. And I guess my response to that is I'm sorry, but try living my life for just one day and be Marsha Brady 24/7, then get back to me. I would like to think that most of my friends from highschool know that I handled most of my "issues" pretty well and I was always in a good mood back then. I remember getting made fun of by teachers for actually being too happy and smiling too much. But then again, back in those days I had pollo nugget martes (chicken nugget tuesdays, for those who don't speak spanish) and candy necklace fridays to look forward to. I don't wish to ever go back to highschool b/c I love being independent too much. But I do miss the chicken nuggets and spitting llamas.
I guess I'm also just sad b/c I realize, that even though they're are billions of people in this world, I'm all alone. Yes, I know I have friends and family that "cares" about me. But my whole life I've always kept emotioins and stuff inside b/c i feel it's weak to show them and they're unnecessary. And I've always been ok for the last 20 years facing my problems by myself. I mean, there are incidents that have happened to me that my family doesn't even know about, and they're pretty important things. I realized the other day though, as I was standing in the front of the cruise ship I was on, all by myself with nothing around me but the ocean, that I was alone then just as I always was. And even though I had been fine with in the past, I realized I was tired of fighting all these "battles" alone. And then I sensed the presence of someone else standing next to me (to clearify, there was no one really there, it was just the feeling of the presence of someone). And I hoped it was a certain person and believed it was, but now I think it may not have been the person I thought, the person I thought was standing next me to me was just the person I had hoped it was. Do you understand? Probably not, b/c I don't ever make sense. Anyways...today I was thinking though that maybe I will be alone the rest of my life to face my stuff and thats fine I guess. I need to accept it as a part of my life. Or maybe this "presence" really is there and I don't know it, or maybe I still have to meet that "presence." Whatever, ok, yeah.
I'm going to go do something just as pointless as I'm sure this is, b/c honestly, none of you care what I think, so it's ok.
So have you ever felt unwanted? I mean, like you know when you're with a group of people and you feel like they don't want you there but they're too polite to say anything or they're afraid they'll hurt your feelings, or maybe they don't say anything b/c they feel they have to hang out with you? No, no one?! Ok, well I've felt that a lot lately. Not with just one particular person, but with a few. And you know, it's obvious they don't want you around and you realize it, but you can't just get up and leave, so instead I try and think of some excuse of why I have to go. I mean, I don't want to make them feel uncomfortable or anything right?! Right...but I figure I'd rather feel uncomfortable then make someone else feel that way, and it's a lot easier too b/c they feel a sense of relief when you give them that lame ass excuse of why you have to get up and go b/c they didn't have to come up with their own excuse of why they're "busy" and don't have time or whatever. Yeah, I guess this is one of those subject matters that no one really cares about, so we'll move on.
I'm guessing the only people that will even attempt to read this journal are my friends, so I'm guessing it's safe to assume most of you know some bit of my life to know my mom can be a bit irrational sometimes. I know my brother is going to read this and think I'm talking bad about my mom, but I'm not. I'm just being honest here. Here's a major example. Well, I have to pay for my own college which is fine I guess b/c it teaches me responsiblility and to grow up b/c when I'm an adult I'm not going to have anyone there to help me out, so yeah. Well, I already have loans out in just my name, so until I establish more credit (which would be by like, buying a house, which will be in about 10 years) I can't get anymore out in just my name, therefore I need a co-signer. So my mom was my cosigner that took care of the rest of my tuition payment for this semester. I gave her the stuff to send in back at the end of November, blah blah blah. Well, I check my bursar bill a couple days ago and see it hasn't gone through. So obviously, I call my mom and asked her if she merely forgot to send it in or whatnot. Her reply was, "I realized you're the biggest ass to me, so I cancelled it." Ok, that's fine. I mean, whatever right. The thing is is that I should have been prepared for it considering she's done this every semester, i mean usually I have longer than a week to get another loan figured out or something though...b/ yeah. My mom doesn't want to be my cosigner anymore and ok, that's fine, but couldn't she have decided this or told me when she cancelled it a month ago? Or couldn't she have decided to stop cosigning for next year and just let me have this semester? It's not like the loans are in her name. I know I'm not the most perfect kid and according to my family I'm the most self-centered, arrogant, conceited, stuck-up bitch, asshole, and I think I'm better than everyone else and the world revolves around me, and that's fine that they think that, that's their opinion. And hey, maybe it's true, all I can say is that I'm not trying to be like that, so I'm sorry.
Anyways...I also just found out that one of my best friends grandma's just passed away and it's so sad. Her grandparents used to come into big Perkins and I also got to meet them by hanging around her family and they were great people. Her grandma was such an amazing person, she was funny and caring. And the worst part is, is how her grandpa is right now. I mean, they've been married for like 70 years and they never spent time apart except for when he was at the war. She was all he was living for. He was living each day, in hope to just merely be around her and talk to her. Just to see her smile and be happy. Now what? I just can't even imagine having the person you've been living your whole life for all of a sudden just dissappear from your life.
So supposedly according to a close friend of mine, I'm always in a bad mood no matter what. And I guess my response to that is I'm sorry, but try living my life for just one day and be Marsha Brady 24/7, then get back to me. I would like to think that most of my friends from highschool know that I handled most of my "issues" pretty well and I was always in a good mood back then. I remember getting made fun of by teachers for actually being too happy and smiling too much. But then again, back in those days I had pollo nugget martes (chicken nugget tuesdays, for those who don't speak spanish) and candy necklace fridays to look forward to. I don't wish to ever go back to highschool b/c I love being independent too much. But I do miss the chicken nuggets and spitting llamas.
I guess I'm also just sad b/c I realize, that even though they're are billions of people in this world, I'm all alone. Yes, I know I have friends and family that "cares" about me. But my whole life I've always kept emotioins and stuff inside b/c i feel it's weak to show them and they're unnecessary. And I've always been ok for the last 20 years facing my problems by myself. I mean, there are incidents that have happened to me that my family doesn't even know about, and they're pretty important things. I realized the other day though, as I was standing in the front of the cruise ship I was on, all by myself with nothing around me but the ocean, that I was alone then just as I always was. And even though I had been fine with in the past, I realized I was tired of fighting all these "battles" alone. And then I sensed the presence of someone else standing next to me (to clearify, there was no one really there, it was just the feeling of the presence of someone). And I hoped it was a certain person and believed it was, but now I think it may not have been the person I thought, the person I thought was standing next me to me was just the person I had hoped it was. Do you understand? Probably not, b/c I don't ever make sense. Anyways...today I was thinking though that maybe I will be alone the rest of my life to face my stuff and thats fine I guess. I need to accept it as a part of my life. Or maybe this "presence" really is there and I don't know it, or maybe I still have to meet that "presence." Whatever, ok, yeah.
I'm going to go do something just as pointless as I'm sure this is, b/c honestly, none of you care what I think, so it's ok.